4/4/16—Stepping Outside Our Story

Being objective—taking yourself out of the equation and seeing things through fair and balanced eyes—is, I think, one of the hardest things people learn on their spiritual path. 

There are two contexts I'll use to illustrate why. Of course this depends on peoples' beliefs, but I'd venture to say most people reading this will agree:

1. We are all here for a reason and we walk different paths based on that reason... and we all come here with different struggles to overcome and pains to heal. 
2. There is a higher power that is good and is the one true higher power.  

Now, while most people can agree on those points, many of us struggle to find our balance, fairness and impartiality on those points. Because when something happens that involves us, we often "complete the story" in our minds. Our brain likes answers and we give them to it. And those answers usually involve ourselves because we see the thing as happening TO ourselves, rather than something that someone did BECAUSE OF their own issues. Here's what I mean.

Let's pretend you have a "mean" and "immature" boss. Well if you believe we're all here for a reason, that boss is on a path just like you are, and they're just in a different place along that path. They may be ahead of you in, say, manifesting success and behind you in treating everyone like a beloved lamb of God, for example. And maybe you allow them that, because you understand that's their path. 

But let's say they make you take the blame for something they did at work. In that moment (and all moments afterward, probably) you might have a tendency to dehumanize them. They are no longer on a path and struggling just like you. They have been after you for years, stealing all your ideas. They are a monster, demented, abusive and something must be done about them. Bad monster! MEAN monster!!!! SICK MONSTER!!!!

OK, that example is a little dramatic, but admit it. You do that. You've done that. We all have.

Being objective in our beliefs requires us to move past that kind of "us and them" thinking. Having integrity in the belief that all humans are here on a spiritual path that is uniquely their own and not for us to judge, means allowing the "monster" their imperfection. It means understanding that your vulnerabilities may have been triggered, but not in some plot to undermine you. When you see the boss as someone who is so pained by insecurity that they can't take responsibility for their actions, well gosh, haven't we all been there at some point in our lives? Aren't we kind of there in that moment of dehumanizing them?

Being fair means realizing that others struggle just like we do. It means looking into that person's eyes and seeing yourself, even if their lessons are not yours to learn in this lifetime and even if they're way behind schedule learning it and even if they hurt you in the process. Because, let's face it, we all have something crappy to deal with on our plate that someone else skates effortlessly past. For me, one of those things is my struggle with my weight. Something so easy for many of you—moderate diet and exercise—is something I feel powerless against and overwhelmed by. 

Being fair and balanced is allowing everyone else their own crap, even if they are a serial killer. Yes. Even if they're a serial killer. It doesn't mean you have to be their friend. Doesn't mean you have to approve of their behavior. And it doesn't mean their actions don't hurt or piss you off. It just means that if you believe we're all here for a reason and can't judge another's path, then you can't judge their path and label them a monster. You can't continue to see them as something separate from you. Because they're not. They ARE you. They're a spirit struggling in their human skin, just as you are. They're simply learning different lessons and having different difficulties than you in this lifetime. 

If you believe in reincarnation, you will, in one lifetime or another, do something so heinous that you will be reviled, too. We all have it in us. Thank god only a few of us have to go there this time around. And thank God their issues aren't your cross to bear this time around. Your issues are the ones triggered by their behavior and it's not their fault you were triggered. Your issues are your responsibility, just as theirs are theirs. Your feelings are a byproduct of what they did, but the fact that you see the situation as "them vs me" is all on you. THAT is why you feel hurt and taken advantage of. You see it as something they did to you rather than something that emanated out of their own pain and unhealedness. It was about them, not you. Being able to see that is the "distance" both healing and objectivity give you. 

And yes, it's really hard to remove yourself from the situation. But it is possible. For example, being dumb isn't one of my insecurities. So if someone accuses me of just not having the intelligence to grasp a concept, it won't poke at something unhealed within me. I can freely admit when I'm ignorant about something or when something is over my head, because I know I'm a smart person. So I can remove myself from the situation much easier because I don't have any fears around that part of my being. 

Allowing others their stuff is a hard one and probably one we'll always have to work on. So is the next one...the one about God is good and there is only one God.

Years back I had a terrible dislike of anything Christian. I saw Christians, in general, as misguided hypocrites who talk about Christ like he's his Father (I still don't understand that one) and preach about forgiveness and non-judgment in the same breath as they tell you you're going to burn in hell for being a non-believer. Certainly that was my experience, as seen through my lens at the time.

Meanwhile, I would talk about MY god and how MY god was the SAME god as their god, but MY god was nicer and wouldn't burn anyone in hell. And I'd wonder, "why can't those hypocrites see that my god and their god are the same god, but we just see him through different eyes?"

I should have been asking that question of myself, right? Because if I was fair and balanced in my assessment that there is only one god—a god adept enough to show itself to us in different flavors to accommodate the free will we have here on earth—then I would love their god, too. Because there is no "my" god and "their" god. There is only one god. And instead of looking for the hypocrisy within their beliefs, I'd look in their eyes and see that the love and reverence and hope they had Him all wrapped up in was the exact same as mine. If I were truly fair and balanced and impartial and walking in integrity with my belief, I would allow them their god and their beliefs and their struggles on their paths with their beliefs, rather than see them as something outside of me, different than me, less than me.

It doesn't mean I don't still see hypocrisies and inconsistencies in the beliefs of others, just as my earlier point doesn't mean I don't see when people are acting unkindly or unfairly. What it means is that I'm honest enough to see the hypocrisies and inconsistencies in my own beliefs and behaviors—no belief system is bullet proof. And I'm fair enough in my assessment of others to see that they're struggling and in pain just like me. Just with different stuff. And, of course, there are still times when something hits on something unhealed within me and I lose my objectivity. But now I at least know when I'm doing that.

So those are the two examples I can think of on the spiritual path where people think they're being fair and impartial and good and right and are totally missing the mark. We're quick to recognize it when it's "them" that's doing it, but not so quick when it's us. And while you may not believe as I do, but I'll bet you can apply this to your beliefs, as well.

Years back, I was told that anything that causes an immediate and emotional reaction from me is something I need to look at further, because there is something left unhealed. You've probably heard that, too. I have found over time, that it's a) very true and b) hard to see the truth of when we're embroiled in the moment and still emotional. Sometimes people are trying to offend us, right? Sure. But it is still only about them...unless they hit on something where we're unhealed, then we *make* it about us. When we step back and understand that we're a completing an unknown story in such a way that it offends our sensibilities, rather than in a way that see the situation as being all about the other person, that's when we know we're on the path to healing.

3/28/16—Being Yourself

At sometime in our lives—in childhood, especially—we think of magical thoughts and wish for magical things. Then we learn that kind of magic doesn't really exist. But what if it does?

All my life I've been called words like idealistic, a dreamer, weird, bohemian and a "magical thinker". All of these things have been said in judgment and criticism by much more "practical" people. I'm sure some of those people thought I would "drift" and not accomplish much in my life and, in fact, one even told me as much once. But I've run my own consulting business for 20 years, own my own home, have a hobby/career on the side...I have friends, I have blog and book readers who are not related to me and I'm a good, kind person despite the knocks and jabs I've encountered in my life. 

In short, I have achieved everything "practical people" have and did it all on my own terms without sacrificing too much of my individuality to the paths society says we must take to succeed. Even though I'm not fabulously wealthy or notable, my "magical thinking" and bohemian ways have worked for me just as well (if not better in some regards) as have the ways of those who color carefully within the lines, subscribe to all social mores, pay attention to appearances and act like good boys and girls. 

In fact, if I were being totally honest with you, I'd say my bohemian ways work better, because I see a lot of unhappy, angry people out there who may not know why they're angry, but it very well may have to do with all the choices they make to conform to a norm that doesn't value the individual. They want and/or need to stir up a little weirdness in their lives, but won't out of the societal-based fears imposed upon us to keep us in order. 

The truth is, at this point in our lives, very few of us are going to go rogue if we just. let. go. of some of these rules we just take for granted and never question. I've zigged when others have zagged all my life and have never gone so goofy that I've made a huge "mistake" or ended up with regrets. In a way, it's the difference between commissioning a custom-made life rather than just buying the ready-to-ship model. I think, for some, it never occurred that an off-the-rack life existed. And, of course, for some, the ready-to-wear life fits into their plans just fine.

Somewhere along the line, society created a livable structure and great ideas for the masses, but some of those ideas are just too restrictive for individuals. We've been trained to over apologize, put ourselves last, not cause a commotion, be politically correct and adhere to standards of dress, behavior and all outward appearances—and those are just a few examples of the bajillions of things we do each day without thinking. 

And, hey, sometimes society is right. But sometimes, depending on who we are, these things are suffocating. And sometimes we don't realize it, because we never gave our individuality a chance, because we were too busy being homogeneous and accepted and not judged for expressing ourselves too colorfully. And the price of that is reaching a certain age and not really knowing what's "you" and what's been manufactured for you. And nobody is immune to that. Self knowledge is a journey more than a destination.

A number of years back, I had a bit of a crisis over this. I started asking myself "what part of me is genuine to me and what part is something I wittingly or unwittingly adopted out of fear of judgment, bullying, mockery or rejection?" Try it and you'll find it's extremely difficult to excavate the "you you came here to be" out of the "you you've become." It's not a black and white thing, especially when you consider a certain part of you wants to be liked and accepted, so therefore choosing to conform in some cases *is* genuine to who you are.

And it's not a case of the self-actualized being "free" and everyone else being in prison. There are prisons on both sides of the issue. To be individual, you live in the prison of being on the edge of society and not understood by all the others. To be be like all the others, you live in a prison where you never quite explore the boundaries of your individuality and learn who you are. 

A long time ago, I learned that my happiness depended on which prison I could be more accepting of (or free myself from). It really depends on what you believe about why you're here and what your purpose is in life. In general, I believe I'm here to explore my individuality and actively grow as an individual and as a soul. More specifically, however, I believe part of my purpose is sharing the kinds of thoughts I'm sharing right now. Spiritually speaking, "idealism" and "weirdness" are the most practical choices for me because I'm here to see life through a different lens and share that with others. Anything else would have limited my soul's journey here on earth. I couldn't write of the things I write of if mind were too tethered to conventionality and the kinds of things that "shouldn't be discussed publicly."

I think we often miscalculate (or don't calculate at all) what we're here to be caretakers of. If your beliefs include a soul, we're here as caretakers of our souls first. And if we're doing that properly, it begets being a caretaker of the earth, a caretaker of others, a caretaker of self, society, dogs or even shiny floors, depending on where your soul guides you. But there's one thing most soul-believers can agree upon—souls are boundless. And boundlessness doesn't fit well into the mold of convention. Each time we shoehorn ourselves into an aspect of persona that doesn't fit, that's when we experience disharmony in our lives. 

I may not be the highest achiever in society's terms. I earn an average living. My home is in a working class neighborhood. I don't toil over my lawn. I'm not the best housekeeper. But I do think I'm an overachiever in terms of my soul. I wasn't always this way, but have become more so as I've been freeing myself from the prison where the opinions and acceptance of others matters to me. Of course, I'll probably never be fully free of that, but as I chisel away at that, I'm clearing away issues that the next person my soul inhabits won't have to deal with. Plus I'm bringing myself more to peace. It's a win for all. 

Geez, I have so much more to say on this topic...so many rabbit holes to dive deeper into. But for now, I'll just leave you with some questions to think about on your own. You don't have to answer them all at once, and you get your entire lifetime to come up with the answers. :D Some "very practical" people may not see the point in even asking, but for the rest, think about how you'd feel about about leaving this earth without even considering the answers and move forward with that in mind.

• What are you here to accomplish? And what parts of you are integral to making that happen? Why were you born who you are? 
• Why did you end up with your particular family? What parts of who you are now were shaped by society? By your family? By yourself? What have each of those influences (whether negative or positive) contributed to your mission?
• What is your plan for your soul in this lifetime? What do you hope will be your legacy in terms of your soul?
• What part or parts of yourself have you tuned out (or turned the volume down on) because, somewhere along the line you got social cues that it wasn't "acceptable"? And is that ok? Was society right about that? Or is it something you want/need to reclaim? 
• What will you have healed in this lifetime so the lesson doesn't have to be repeated by the next iteration of you? What did some previous person who had your soul heal so that you wouldn't have to deal with it this time around?

3/21/16—Being Counterintuitive

For the past week or so, I've been doing something I normally wouldn't do.

One of my Facebook friends nominated me to post a photo a day for 10 days that represents an act of self love. I'm not much of a joiner and I have philosophical issues with many of these canned, viral posts, even when they're something positive and loving like this. You know what I'm talking about. The posts that say "I'll bet my friends won't even read this post" and "if you believe children shouldn't starve, put this story on your wall. If you don't, I'll understand." While those are  overt examples of guilt manipulation, this whole notion of "nomination" to do something that could only be considered good, is just one step down, imo. It's all done to encourage a yes...and induce guilt and/or shame if you say no. (And this is NOT a commentary on the person who nominated me. They didn't think this idea up. They were nominated themselves and thought I'd enjoy it. They came to see what I wrote each day. This isn't about them. It's about me and how I normally feel about these kinds of posts. I usually want to say "no" on principle.)

But anyway, I had done some interviews of young people for a client and this one really impressive young woman told me about how, when choosing a summer project, she chose the one she thought she'd like least. When I asked her why, she said you can't make a decision about something because you *think* you won't like it. You have to try it first. And since the consequences of her particular choice were minimal, she thought "why not?"

I'd had that discussion in my head for a couple of weeks and hoped an opportunity would come along where I would make a counterintuitive choice. Then this came along. And I'm glad it did. 

Of course, my first thought was "how will I ever come up with 10?" But, frankly, I feel that way all the time at work—"how am I ever going to approach THIS challenge?" :D But I always figure it out. So I decided to just take it one step at a time. And what I discovered surprised me. 

See, I have this idea in my head that I don't really take good care of myself. I got that idea because it's true in regard to my weight and fitness. And also because there was a time in my life that I took way better care of myself. Back then, I was fit, had much lower living expenses, rented an apartment and had no dogs. So what else did I have to do but nurture myself? But now there's a house to keep, a yard to tend and dogs to care of—there's more that draws me away from my self care. Add that to the low energy I had those years I was sick and I was at the bottom of the priority list when I probably should have been at the top. 

About a year ago, though, I started doing nice things for myself, mostly nail care and skincare type things. But I never changed my self perception as someone who doesn't take good care of herself. For years, I had been told by my doctor that that's why I felt so bad...because I wasn't doing the diet and exercise stuff I should. I thought maybe I caused my issue. So while I knew I've had a lot of baggage around the self love issue, I guess I didn't realize how much. Until I did this photo exercise. 

What I found out was that, without even trying, I did multiple things a day that would be considered "self-loving". In fact, some days I had a hard time choosing. Today was my last day doing the photo post thing and I used the self-love practice I had been keeping in my pocket in case I needed one in a pinch—the time I spend with Kizzie watching sunsets. I didn't even need to use it today, but I didn't feel like I could do this exercise without mentioning my favorite thing ever. (BTW, other things I highlighted over the 10 days were napping, appointments with energy healers, home decoration things, taking "me" time and indulging my hobbies...stuff like that.)

In fact, I could do this damned thing another 10 days—all month possibly—without duplicating anything. I didn't know that 10 days ago, but I know it now. This has made me more aware of my self-love habits. And now I have to start seeing my capacity for self love differently. 

The perception that I didn't take good care of myself, fed on itself and perpetuated. It was intertwined with how I felt about myself. It was intertwined with fears. And depression, the heaviness of how I felt for so long and baggage that goes back to childhood.

It's both a relief and liberating to realize that my worst critic and frequent enemy isn't really as bad as I thought. Instead of wanting to destroy me, it's actually looking for ways to lift me up. It sounds a bit silly to say, but discovering I wasn't undermining myself as badly as I thought changes everything! It kind of reverses some of the momentum of negative self talk I have inside. 

So my experiment in being counterintuitive and challenging my opinions has been successful. Will I start cutting and pasting manipulative posts about starving children on my wall? Not likely. Will I do a photo thing like this again? It depends on the theme. But this one was right up my alley, I learned a lot about myself doing it and other people enjoyed reading about it. So it was an all-around win. What could you do to challenge an untested opinion or belief this week?

3/14/16—Building a Wall of Love

Each week, I've been trying to clear a corner here and a surface there in my home. And in doing so, I keep running in to little bits of myself that I forgot I had. 

For years, it was a miracle if I managed to vacuum each week, much less clear clutter or even decorate. So things got dusty and cluttery. I can't entirely blame it on being sick, because it was already on its way before I got sick, but it just got worse. 

So since I've been better, I've taken on a small clearing project each week to keep the momentum going and also to accommodate my general laziness and lack of desire to clean. It might be clearing a corner where stuff got piled up, going through papers, cleaning a cabinet in the kitchen or whatever. I'm moving slowly, but I'm making progress I can see and appreciate and that fuels more progress. 

A couple of months back, I went through all the artwork I'd accumulated over the years. I have nice art on my walls. Most everything is an original work, but some things are limited edition prints. I like to support artists I enjoy, so long as I can afford it. And as I went through the stuff I got, I took out a few pieces to get framed. I wasn't really sure how I'd use the art, but I knew it had go up somewhere. 

Finally I chose the wall at the top of my stairs. I'm one of those people who uses my bedroom only for sleeping. I don't have a TV up there. I do have an iPad, but I rarely use it at night. I tend to lay my head down and not wake up until morning. I didn't used to be that way. I used to have insomnia. And when I read about how to avoid that, I learned the trick about using the bedroom only for sleep. 

So I only go upstairs at night. I've always had something hanging on that focal wall, but it was always something I only kinda liked or something I thought might look interesting from the bottom of the stairs. But now I've decided to make a wall that just embodies me. It's similar to how people hang pictures of family members in their hallways. It's my private space and should have private things. So I started this wall. 

So far I have a Patrick Valenza print, which is a little on the odd side, but I like it. There's a Joanna Powell Colbert print of one of her tarot cards. The original artwork for The Star card for Dana Driscoll's Tarot of Trees. A custom switch plate I had made on etsy. And a little painting I found many years ago that used to hang in my office, but now hangs here. I also have two pieces I've commissioned that will take a while to arrive—whimsical tiles depicting each of my dogs and a tile of "me" with cardinals and robins, birds I feel are symbolic of my deceased loved ones.

When I'm finished, a good portion of this wall will be covered in things that have meaning for me. I'm being careful not to make any one piece so bright or commanding that it draws attention away from the others. I want for each time I look at it, at all the many angles I see it from, to remind me I'm more than what I am the bulk of the time...the time spent at the bottom of the stairs, working.

It's all mixed media and mixed frames. If it looked too uniform, it just wouldn't be me. And while most of it is very peaceful, there's the juxtaposition of "The queen responds with an obscene gesture." In a way, I'm creating art from art—a collage of things that speak to me and of me. 

It had been such a long time since I'd infused new energy into my home. So changing that spot has been meaningful. I can't count the number of times I have caught a glimpse of it from downstairs and thought, "hey that looks really good". And every night I climb the stairs with it in my sights. It makes me feel good, not just about my home, but about what the wall says to me about who I am and the artists and things I like. It will be all that much more meaningful when I get my dogs on the wall and the one with me and the birds. And for those who don't like my tarot art or my choice in artists, I can always refer them to the queen. :D

I have lost so many parts of me for so long to illness, depression and illness-induced depression, that's it's nice to be able to get back to feeling like me again. I have a lot of physical and life things to reengage with now that I'm feeling better. And even now, months later, I'm still peeling off layers of the spiritual ick that covered me for so long. I'm experience happiness—and even just general everyday-ness—that was unimaginable six months ago. It's amazing how you don't even see parts of you falling away. They just do. And so there's a lot to rediscover...hobbies and things I take pride in. I've had some help from my brother, but I'm so far ahead of where I usually am with things in the yard, which bodes well for my herbs and flowers this year. I'm feeling good and better almost every day. 

There's an opening up happening for me and I feel like I'm still only just scratching the surface. The clearing is part of it. This wall is part of that. There was a time long ago that I built walls of fear and anger and hate within me. And now I'm building a wall of self love. I'm looking forward to seeing where it all goes from here.

3/7/16—Getting Out Of The Weeds

A classic post....A few nights ago when I was meditating, I asked for some insight. What I heard was very relevant and something I thought I'd share, because I'm certain I'm not alone. 

"You've gotten yourself too far down into the weeds." That's what I heard. And it sounded kind of like my father saying it. Regardless of where it came from, though, I knew what it meant. I'm putting too much thought and energy into things that have no bearing on my purpose and goals in life. I'm wasting my water and sunlight on things that won't grow and I don't want to grow. 

The more I thought of it, the more I saw all the ways I do this. I: 

• Engage in issues with people who have no bearing on my life.
• Ruminate over things I don't do as well I've done in the past.
• Think about things I wish I could have done better. 
• Think about things I wish I could have said, but didn't.
• Linger over things that have already been dealt with. 
• Worry about things that haven't happened yet. 
• Think about things rather than just do them. 
• Fear doing things that haven't been done yet. 

None of that stuff is moving me toward my goals. Meanwhile, seemingly unrelated things do, in my opinion. Like a retail therapy trip I took earlier in the week. It distracted me from energy-sucking thoughts and refueled my energy. In fact, I've done a number of things in the past week that have helped me push my reset button. 

I think I've probably been in the weeds for a long time. I mean, the goals and the move toward them is ever-present, if not always successful. But they're wrapped in a fog of insignificance and distraction, which, frankly has just added stress to the situation. While distraction can lighten the load, especially if you're overly focused, some types of distraction just add weight to your backpack that is not needed. 

The first step toward recovery is recognizing there's a problem. While I knew I wasn't as focused as I could be, I never saw it this way before. If you imagine a cross section of earth, you don't want to be stuck in the thatch of weeds. You want to be up above them where you can navigate the big picture. But then you don't want to be so high that integral parts of the picture are out of sight. 

Now that I recognize this, I need to retrain myself to slough what doesn't matter and not let it distract me. It's a habit that needs to be broken. I think it's important to balance things, so nothing of value gets neglected along the way. When you consider that most of our goals touch many areas of our life, we have to pay attention to the whole tamale. 

So we have to think about where we want to be. What does life look like with your goal met? What does it look like spiritually? How does it impact your health and relationships? If an activity or relationship or way of thinking doesn't align with that vision, part of reaching your goal will have to be letting that go. 

And while you're getting yourself out of the weeds and moving toward your goal, surround yourself with people who not only support your path, but can handle your success. I learned a long time ago that there are people who, for whatever reason, hold a smaller vision for you and your world than you have for yourself. That is their issue. Don't make it yours. Anything you try to pull out of the weeds with you will just weigh you down. 

2/29/16—Becoming Bully-Proof

I sent a letter to my former doctor this week. I wanted to let him know I found the cause of my hypochondria.

To remind people, I had been pretty sick for three years. Longer really, but it was only a daily thing for three years. I had breathlessness and debilitating exhaustion. My doctor told me it was because I was overweight and I needed to exercise. But there were days I couldn't walk across my living room without getting fully depleted and out of breath. I told him that and he told me to exercise harder. I told him that one day, while exercising harder, I collapsed and thought I was going to die. That's when he called me a hypochondriac. 

Let's face it, by the time your doctor calls you a hypochondriac, they've been thinking it for a while. Maybe he thought I was a hypochondriac because I would come in and say "could it be my hormones?", "could it be my heart?", "could it be glandular?" I did that, of course, because I was looking for an answer to a very real problem I was having. And each time he would tell me it wasn't the things I asked about, I'd go home and google in hopes of finding an answer. I was afraid. I couldn't breathe right. And I thought I was doing my part as a patient who was motivated to get to the bottom of the issue. Until he called me a hypochondriac, I didn't fully realize he wasn't looking for answer and was never going to help me. That's when I finally left that doctor. 

It turns out that my hypochondria was actually asthma. Because I never coughed or wheezed, that diagnosis was ruled out pretty early on with every doctor I saw. So I get why it was hard to find the cause of my issue. But my doctor didn't even try. He had it made up in his mind that I was a lazy fat person who was making excuses. What was really happening was that my airways were closing up on me when I tried to exercise or when I encountered allergens and, since I had no medicine, I was never quite able to recover before the next time I would be triggered. So I was constantly in some degree of pulmonary crisis. And the more I complained about it, and the worse it got, the more my doctor dismissed me.

I was in a no-win situation with extremely high stakes. Being improperly treated or untreated is what kills almost every one of the nine people each day who die of asthma in the US. They are preventable deaths caused either by patients who don't take their medicine, patients who never go to a doctor or doctors who just plain get it wrong. Most of them are women. And if you happen to be a woman, I don't have to tell you that our complaints are frequently dismissed as exaggeration or being overly emotional. I got the crap numbers in the lottery on this one because I not only got a doctor who got it wrong, I got a doctor who was insulting about it and gave me advice that put my life further at risk. Ultimately, though, I won because I'm alive to blog about it. 

So, in light of all that, I felt he needed to know. After listening to my lungs and heart, he diagnosed me, literally, as a big fat liar. There would be no other option to consider, and no specialist to send me to, even though he'd known me for years and I'd never really had any complaints up to then. I get that a lot of patients come in with wild ideas about stuff when they google. But to call a patient a liar when the truth is that you just don't have the answers is not just wrong, it's dangerous. For every hypochondriac out there, there's at least one person like me who needs to be heard and believed. When we parted, he was certain he was right about me. And I wanted him to know really just how wrong he turned out to be. 

I debated sending the letter. What was I trying to accomplish? I asked myself if just writing it was enough. It was certainly cathartic to write. Then I thought maybe, if he read it, someone else wouldn't be given deadly advice by him just because they were overweight, a woman, had the audacity to google for answers or because his ego was too big to consider he was wrong. Then I thought that maybe he wouldn't read it. It was pretty long...haha. Then I thought about how many nights I laid in bed, unable to sleep because I was composing this letter over and over again in my head. Then I thought, no he needs to know it wasn't my imagination and his smart-ass attitude and poor advice (that me and my insurance company paid for) could have cost me my life. So I sent it. For my own sanity. And I'm glad I did. 

It's not about missing a diagnosis. The next doctor missed the diagnosis, too. It's about the way he treated me. It's about me telling him over and over again what I was experiencing and him not listening. It's about calling your patient a hypochondriac when their lungs are seizing up on them on a daily basis. When a person in authority tells you over and over again that your reality is screwed up and that their reality is correct, that's abusive. 

And my mistake was listening to him, taking his advice and, while not really believing him, spending far too long considering his theories and thinking he was on my side. He's a highly rated doctor and I gave too much credence to the voices outside of me. When you seek advice from doctors, you're supposed to trust them. But then you're also supposed to be your own advocate. And the space between those two is very hard to negotiate. I admit, there are many situations in which I've listened to the words of others to my own detriment. This man had been my doctor for years. It took me a while to catch on.

When I think of all the times in my past that I never sufficiently stood up to the bullies and abusers in my life, I'm sad. Part of it is that, in the moment, you find yourself defending yourself, instead of returning the jab and letting them feel what it feels like. The thing about being empathic is that you usually avoid conflict, but when you contemplate your attacker, you're able to clearly see their pain. You know what it's like to have your pain thrown at you, so you hesitate to throw it back. And you see things that could devastate the other person, especially if they live in a bubble where all the people around them are paid to act like they're infallible.

Having insight that can wake the unconscious is a big responsibility. Normally I would caution against using it, because it's not our business to do so. I'm a big fan of turning the other cheek and taking the high road. Their path is their own, when they want help they'll ask for it and all of that. But in being that way, I never confront the bully in my life in a way that lets them know I see what they're doing and it's unacceptable to me. So while I exercise the part of me that moves beyond things and forgives and doesn't need to assert myself in order to make a point, I never really stand up for myself. And that's a muscle that needs to be exercised, too. It's a consequence to "taking the high road" I hadn't considered. I felt my voice needed to be heard, hopefully, ultimately, for the good of all.

I'll be honest, in the past I've had some fear around standing up for myself. Whenever I have, I have either gotten in trouble or have felt like I will get in trouble. I suppose it's an irrational fear, but I have experienced a couple of scary moments in the wake of defending myself. And I suppose if I look back, my parents were kind of absolute rulers. There were times you were better off not defending yourself. 

The nice thing is that this is one of the first times I don't feel afraid of the repercussions. First of all, my letter was very respectful and, dare I say, much kinder and more generous than most people would be. And second, I feel totally within my rights, and even my responsibility, to send it after what I've been through. He needs to know all this before he gives deadly advice to another patient because his ego won't allow him to consider the patient knows better about how they feel than he does. And if he gets huffy and misses the message, at least I've done my part. Everyone makes mistakes. But you do need to know you've made them in order to learn from them. And he had no idea. He was still thinking he was incredibly clever for outing a hypochondriac.

Part of the way bullies and abusers work is that they keep you constantly on the defensive. And when you're in a position of having to defend yourself, you're not focusing on the real issue—the other person's systematic abuse of their power and privilege in your life. They count on you staying on the defensive and not seeing it. And if you start seeing it, then they up the ante on their abuse.

As I get older, all of this becomes clearer and clearer. And I get little more bully-proof. And most of the time I just walk away and give them no satisfaction. And other times, I give them just enough mirror to see their own reflection. Doctors find you at very vulnerable times and they decide what tests you take and what specialists you see, so they have to be very careful of how they wield that power. And I'll admit part of me wants him to feel bad. But part of me wants him to learn from this so that nobody else goes through it. Part of me just wanted to stop composing that damn letter in my head at 4am. And part of me wants to move past the "victim" phase of my recovery—the part that mourns how much and how much longer I suffered than was necessary.

Those who use their power to harm or intimidate others are powerless within themselves. The more I grow and appreciate my own power, the less I fear them and the less power they have over me. Until you've been deprived of oxygen and energy for years, somehow eluding death while your doctor treats you like you you're making it all up, you don't really understand how incredibly powerful you are. I shouldn't fear the bullies. The bullies should fear me.

2/22/16—Ripping Their Throats Out

You know how animals, when they sense weakness in another animal, will spring forth and violently take that animal down? Well, I have to admit, as a human animal, I feel that urge from time to time.

It's not physical weakness that pushes my buttons, it's a type of mental or personality weakness. Nor is it a physical response that I have to it. It's a mental one. Basically I lose respect for the person. And it's hard for me to deal constructively with someone I don't respect.

I really felt it strongly recently when a young professional who doesn't know me well approached me gingerly about some revisions that needed to be made on something I had written. When someone approaches me like they're scared I might get offended, I get offended...haha. 

Sure, sometimes my ego gets a little bruised when someone doesn't like my work. But this wasn't that. They had changed their mind about what they wanted and wanted something new. Not a problem. This is my job. While we all have bad days, I'd estimate that 95% of the time, I take edits in stride and, about 80% of those times, I actually feel the edits have made the piece equal to—or better than—what it was before. So I'm open to edits. Once I hand my work over, I usually hand my ownership over with it. So when someone approaches me like I'm going to get offended, it offends me. I'm a professional. You're a professional. Let's handle this like professionals. No need for kid gloves.

But this person was clearly a little intimidated. And for a split second, I wanted to give them legitimate reason to feel that way. In my mind, they showed their weakness to me in a way I felt was personal and unfair, and I wanted to prove them right...haha. Instead, I stopped myself, brushed off my attitude and accepted their comments with a smile. But I have to say, it was very difficult in the moment because I wanted to make them squirm...just because I knew I could. And just so nobody misunderstands, I'm not proud of having those feelings.

A lot of things are going on here. And none of them have to do with the other person. It was me that got offended by their misjudgment of me. It was me that took their fear personally. It was me that judged their behavior "weak", rather than writing it off to inexperience or ignorance or whatever it was. Heck, it's possible they were intimidated because I'm respected in their organization and have way more experience. Maybe they're not accustomed to working with consultants. Who knows? But what it triggered in me was all on me. Every time someone else triggers a knee-jerk reaction in you, it's all on you. And it's time to explore the reasons why. 

I discussed this with a friend not that long ago and they were very tough with me about why I consider certain behaviors, such as wishy-washiness, weak. Aside from the fact that the definition of wishy-washy IS weak...haha...I imagine it's because, somewhere in my past,  I've been on the other side of the dynamic, understood why the other person saw my intimidation or lack of decisiveness as undesirable trait, and moved beyond it. A lack of decisiveness, btw, is one of my pet peeves, especially in the professional arena. And my experience has been that it's mostly women who have a hard time deciding on things and keeping with their decision. In fact, it's kind of a stereotype of women...our prerogative is to change our minds. 

Everyone has the right to change their minds. In fact, I think it's a sign of strength to acknowledge you've made a wrong decision and take steps to correct it. But some individuals embrace their lack of decisiveness as a dominant character trait, rather than an occasional thing. And yes, I find it annoying and weak. Annoying, because it inconveniences those who are effected by the constant changes in whim. And weak, because the circular "I don't know. What do you want to do? I don't know. What do YOU want to do?" thing, in my opinion, comes from a lack of self knowledge, fear of making a wrong decision and/or a desire to please everyone involved. But I digress. It can just as easily be considered weak to allow that crap to push my buttons.

I do know that the reason I'm triggered by people who seem intimidated by me is because of my own insecurities. I'm not just a heavyset person, I'm nearly 6' tall. Even when I'm not heavy, I'm large. And I have a naturally loud voice. And I walk fast and with determination. So I can see how some 5'2" woman (again, it's mostly women, simply because men, in general, are less *physically* intimidated by women) with a petite build and a soft demeanor would find me scary as hell. 

But it's hurtful, because I've never even so much as shoved another person before. In fact, I know a couple of women just barely grazing 5' tall that I'm not so sure I could beat...haha. I'm generally a kind, peaceful person. I mean, everyone loses their temper from time to time, and I can see where I might have other "intimidating" aspects to my personality, but people who don't know me don't know any of that. In fact, unless you have screwed me over, betrayed me or are a customer service person who happens upon me when I'm in a mood, I have never given you a legitimate reason to fear me. Again, other people's impressions of you are more about them than you.

Nobody likes to be misunderstood. And large people who have lived most of their life being chided and stared at for their size are insecure about it. People just want to be accepted and given a chance as they are. And whether you're critically measured according to your size, skin color, looks, sexual preference, religion or any other superficial measure, acceptance flows more easily to some of us than others. 

So there's a lot going on when you judge others and/or feel judged and want to attack. When I was younger, I just judged. And attacked. And I told myself that the other person was the reason and they're just assholes and they deserved it. But the more conscious I become, the less I allow myself to get away with that and the more I look at stuff like this as an opportunity to show me where I need to work on myself. 

I read a post today about how some "egotistical twits shoved their inferiority complexes down [someone's] throat to the point they could no longer bear the subjugation and so they left [their job]." I imagine we all know what that's like...haha. And while many would look at that statement and say "amen", I tend to look at stuff like that and say "I doubt you're quite the victim you paint yourself to be." 

For every "egotistical twit" there is out there, there's someone who doesn't quite understand the mechanics of their own insecurities. Egotistical twits and those who are easily offended by them find each other for a reason, imo. And as long as we keep making ourselves right and the other person wrong in these situations, we'll find ourselves suffocating beneath a never-ending pile of egotistical twits. Only by examining and healing our own egos, fears and insecurities can we set ourselves free. 

There will always be egotistical twits in this world, and peace doesn't come from grinning and bearing them. It comes from understanding what buttons they push within us and healing those tender spots so that their issues cease in becoming a part of ours.