5/25/12—Moving Toward That Which Makes You Feel Larger

Today's Draw: Higher Choices from Mystic Art Medicine by Cher Lyn. Are you making choices that keep you feeling small? Do you know why you make these choices? Are you ready to move toward that which makes you feel larger?

Recently a friend reminded me of something from a David Whyte CD she'd loaned me years ago. David Whyte is a poet and he did this wonderful CD of his poems and stories of his life. It was all very wise and wonderful. Although the following wasn't from one of his poems, it was from the CD and it's something I need to be reminded of frequently. It was simply this—"Move toward that which makes you larger."

So often we get mired down in muck and the relationships and circumstances that come across our paths that make us feel smaller. I know I do that. It's like I become transfixed...hypnotized by the things that hold me back, pull me into lower energies, make me feel like what I have to offer has little value...as though I don't matter and the happiness and satisfaction of everyone else does. 

I had dinner with a friend last night who got the crap end of the stick from some of her kids this past Mother's Day. She's a good friend and I'm well aware of how much she sacrifices for her family. She gives of herself until there's nothing left to give. And Mother's Day was their one opportunity to put their needs aside and be there for her. And they dropped the ball...without apology. I'm angry inside for her. I also know how it feels. I imagine many reading this do.

Funny thing is that there is a marked difference between my career and personal life. I have my career set up to partner with people and organizations that value what I bring to the table and have no problem expressing that. Honestly, it's enough that my clients pay me on time. It's a business, after all. But my clients never fail to thank me for my work and tell me they're happy with it and let me know how much they appreciate me. I think...hope...I let them know the same in return.

We always have a choice of paths we take in our life. We can travel into the dark toward what makes us feel smaller. Or we can ascend to the light, that which makes us feel larger. Over the past few months, I've found some clarity concerning this. I've discovered people and opportunities in my life that want to support me and feed me. They've always been there, but for some reason I wasn't turned toward them. 

And I've seen the energies I've been turned toward clearer than ever. I see my responsibility in establishing inequitable relationships. It comes from a place of insecurity within me and I feel like I need to give more than I receive which, of course, breeds relationships with those who are much better at receiving than giving. Then, inevitably, I end up disappointed when I need to receive and no one is there to give. I've lived this pattern over and over again and I'm tired of it. Literally. 

And I've finally realized I don't have to do it anymore! There are higher choices all around me. All I have to is value myself enough to walk toward them—and turn away from that which does not value me once and for all.

Is there a situation or relationship that keeps you small or makes you smaller? And can you see the path toward that which makes you feel larger?

2/8/12—Ending an Unhappy Situation

Today's Draw: Three of Birds from the Blue Dog Rose Tarot by Nakisha. Have you ever had someone despise you for no good reason? Have you ever been bullied away from something you otherwise love? Have you ever given up hope for a happy ending in favor of reaching the end of an unhappy situation?

In the Blue Dog Rose Tarot, birds are the suit of cups. A normal Three of Cups might show three women dancing in friendship and happiness. In this deck, it's a cockatiel with seeds. A happy little bird with a yummy dinner. The card represents a happy conclusion of something. But another note Nakisha put in there is "the mending of an unhappy situation", which is different from a happy ending.

So there's this person I see socially from time to time that literally won't acknowledge I exist. We're in a special-interest group that she leads. I know I've never done anything to rate this treatment—no cross words or anything like that. She doesn't like my personality for one reason or another and her way of getting rid of me is to not acknowledge me. It was one of those "hate at first sight" things. She's never been nice to me. If I say hello to her, she will look away. If I ask her a question, she will look straight at me, blink and turn away. No kidding. I've never encountered anything quite like it. This is a grown woman. 

Anyway, outside of her, I've been quite popular in this group....haha. As far as I know, she's the only one who feels this way about me. I enjoy the people and she's easy enough to avoid. But after a while, it's abusive and eats at you. Over the past year or so, she's assembled a little clique of "mean girls" that are nice if they encounter me, but who nonetheless avoid me like the plague...haha.

I'm pretty good at taking responsibility for the things I do in my life, but I really can't figure out where her hate comes from. I think she'd hoped I'd have left long before now and I haven't. Not that she's ever asked me to leave, suggested I should or discussed any concerns with me. Thing is, there's only one other group like this is in the region and it's not convenient to my home. So it's my only viable option for enjoying something I love to do. In the beginning, my friends there said I should just ignore it and not take it personally. So that's what I've tried to do. And I'm sure that just pisses her off even more. But outside of that, I've never been anything but nice to her and have even tried to reach out the olive branch a couple of times. 

Maybe she was hoping I'd blow up at her or something so I could be kicked out of the group. But I think if you're someone that treats others kindly, that shouldn't be conditional on how they treat you. So I've always been kind and gracious to her. No matter how rude she's been to me. After time, I did take her cue and stopped saying hello to her. It kept both of us from that awkward moment when she would just stare at me, blink and turn away.

Anyway this has been going on a couple of years now. I've managed to put this unpleasantness aside because I have a lot of fun there and have met a lot of people. I never even have to be in the same room with her when I'm there. But a couple of months ago I just stopped going, thinking I just needed some space. And now I've decided to just let go of it altogether. I think sometimes we don't see how stuff like this wears on our psyche over time. I'm ready to walk away.

This isn't a chipper little bird story, as suggested in the card. But it is the mending of an unhappy situation. Sometimes the only way to fix an unhappy situation is to cut your losses and move on. To let go. Even if it means leaving something you enjoy in its wake. 

In the end, it's what's best for both of us, which is always a good resolution. I never have and never will do anything to get back at her. I don't believe in that. Her karma is her business. I'm going to protect mine. Whatever pain is inside her that makes her be this way is far greater than anything she's inflicted on me. My unhappy situation is ended easily by walking away. The ending of her unhappy situation is, unfortunately, significantly more complex.

“Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive

is too small for you.”
― David Whyte, House of Belonging