11/26/12—Perpetuating Your Story

Today's Draw: The Six of Cups from the Book of Azathoth Tarot. What's the story you tell yourself about what keeps you stuck in life? Is this story true...or is it based on something that happened years ago? What purpose does it serve for you to perpetuate it in your life?

This is a new deck that seems to combine the word assignations of Thoth with the imagery of Rider Waite...well, maybe not the same imagery as RWS, but similar in many cases. For those who don't know what I'm talking about, Rider Waite and Thoth are two different "systems" of deck creation and meaning. 

I'm not really sure this deck makes sense to me. The companion book isn't published yet, so I have no idea how they're interpreting the cards...Thoth-like or RWS-like or some sort of hybrid. I read something online about the Six of Cups being about the High Priest presenting his offerings in the Thoth tradition. I also read that, coming off the five, the six is about how much more appreciated pleasures are after coming out of the fear and pain of the five. (The word at the top of the card is "Pleasure") I'm really not a student of the Thoth, but this last bit seems to line up nicely with what I got out of the illustration...leaving the past behind. 

In the RWS, this card is about nostalgia and maybe meeting up with an old friend. But these creatures from the black lagoon (which I really dig in this deck, btw)...something about them says "making peace with the past" to me. That's the offering. And that's the chance at freedom and pleasure that you get when you move through fear and pain and are ready to move on. 

Leaving the past behind is one of those things that's easier said than done. Logically, you know there's no reason to hang on. But emotionally, you feel tied to it...more so in some cases than others. After all, the past is part of our story...the Story of Tierney is all about the past. It can only guess about the future. 

But many times the past can figure into "our story" in unhealthy and/or outdated ways. One of my ex boyfriends was a professional soccer player for a year or two. Over 20 years later, he was still tied to the story of "I had the chance and I blew it...what if I hadn't?" It was a whole "glory days" thing. He even looked and dressed like he did back then. He was caught in that story of the past. 

Now, 20 years later he had a good, secure job...he had a daughter who needed a father to present in his life...he had another chance at being a success. But he was blowing it because he couldn't get over the chance he blew 20 years earlier! His self loathing led him to alcoholism and anyone and anything who entered his life...me, his daughter, friends, work...had to get in line behind the alcohol for his attention. Being drunk was the only way to numb the chance he blew back then. And it was causing him to perpetually blow every other chance that came his way. 

That's what our stories do. They keep us stuck, hold us back. They give us excuses for why we can't be everything we want to be today. And what we often fail to recognize is that they were a moment in time that no longer exists. Any "failure" we had in the past is just as likely to fuel success in our future, as it is further failure. And in that sense, it only has the power you're willing to give it in regard to what you're able to do today. It can keep you stuck. Or it can set you free. 

Iyanla VanSant has a good way to rephrase these things in our brain. Put "until today" in front of the story. "Until today, I was a bad cook. Now I'm going to try again." "Until today, I've always been attracted to the absolute wrong man for me." "Until today, I needed that drink to let go of my day." "Until today, I always seemed to attract users." "Until today, I hated to work out." See how it works?

The stories we tell ourselves and the words we choose have more power over who we are and who we're becoming than any force of will. Our inner thoughts can poison us or inspire us. We are constantly changing and have the opportunity to change every moment we're alive. Even if the "big mistake" you made was just yesterday, it's something that happened in the past and those conditions are no longer relevant. In fact, look even further back, because chances are you've made similar mistakes in the past...chances are, the mistake you made yesterday was made in order to make the story you tell yourself true. 

So ponder this and see what stories you tell yourself. Are they really, really true? What purpose are they serving in your life...what excuse do they give you? And are you ready to move on? Like the creatures in this card, maybe it's time to move beyond the fears and pains of the past and let them live where they belongs...not in your present, but in your past. 

5/17/12—Making Beautiful Memories

Today's Draw: Six of Cups from the Art of Life Tarot. What are your three most treasured memories? How often do you indulge in thinking about them? What do you suppose those memories say about you?

Today's card features a portrait of Mrs. Monet and is called The Red Kerchief by Claude Monet. The quote on the card is from Sir JM Barrie and it reads, "God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December."

This got me thinking...if everything were stripped of you except three memories—you got no possessions, no pictures, nothing else—what would those memories be?

Off the top of my head, one would involve a fist full of doggie fur, possibly Kizzie's thick mane. Holding him in my arms can always bring me to peace and balance. He is a born healer. 

Another memory for me would be one I wrote of the other day on my Facebook page. My mom was an avid reader and she would lay on her bed at night and read for hours. Sometimes I would crawl between her and her book and just lay there and think. She would hold her book in one hand and stroke my hair or hold me with the other, pausing only to turn pages. I always felt safe in her arms. 

Those two are for sure. The third one is hard. It would probably have to do with sex and that would probably have to do with Jack. Jack and I were bad for each other socially and emotionally, but our bodies fit together perfectly. Even when our relationship was bad, sex was good. And he wasn't bad to look at, either. So that might be my third.

I have to say I don't think of those memories very often. I thought of that with my mother recently because it was Mother's Day. She's been gone more than half my life, so memories are all I have of her. I do think of her often, but not daily. I rarely ever think of Jack, and even more rarely in a positive way. It was a very damaging relationship that happened a long time ago.

It's germinal to note that none of my favorite memories were of times when I was indulging in memories...haha. They all happened in times when I was fully present and experiencing the moment. So beautiful memories might be a fabulous place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there. Roses in December are only special when they're rare. Besides, how would I ever make another beautiful memory again?

4/7/12-4/8/12—Renewing Your Spirit

Weekend Reading: Six of Cups from the Mary-El Tarot. What a perfect weekend to be inspired. Get out there and do something creative, something fun. Even if you're not good at. In fact, give yourself permission to suck. That's part of the fun! The point is not to win an award. The point is to air out your musty parts and. Just. Have. Fun. You are unique and beautiful and joy is your birthright. No matter who you are or what you feel a need to punish yourself for. So open your heart to joy this weekend. Open your heart to yourself. And emerge with a renewed spirit and the confidence of knowing you are so much more than you ever knew you could be!