4/25/13—Blocking Romance

Today's Draw: Three of Swords from the Deviant Moon in the What You Can't Change That's Blocking Romance position from the Deck of 1000 Spreads. Are you pretty much decided upon remaining single? Do you have a reason why? Whether you're in relationship or not, do you find you protect yourself from the downsides of love?

My daily process is that I choose a card or three at random from the Deck of 1000 Spreads then, more often than not, I worry that the tarot deck I choose will fail to make sense in the context of the convoluted position I've established. And you know what? It always DOES make sense. 

Take this Three of Swords, for example. This three-legged woman has had her heart pierced and broken by love. Perhaps it was something her partner failed to say, or insisted upon doing...or was incapable of feeling. But there she stands, a storm looming in the distance, distressed and with a single black tear issuing from her eye. She touches the tip of one sword—can she bear any more pain? Has she now lost her capacity to love forever?

A couple of weeks ago I went to a meeting with a man and woman and, on our drive over, the topic of conversation was whether or not it was even worth it to couple anymore. As they lamented all the work and heartache that went into building a relationship, just to have each successive one fail, they were preaching to the choir. All three of us had full lives without partners. And they were 15-20 years younger than me and invested in building their careers.

I found it interesting that these two, very attractive specimens of the "younger generation" were discovering what I discovered at their age—I'd rather be content and balanced as a single person than subject to the expectations and heartaches of coupledom. But I also felt a little like I should warn them...warn them that you become so comfortable after 20 years of solitary living and casual flirtations that you can become somehow "unfit" for relationship...haha. I mean, if you think it's a pain in the ass when you're 30, wait until you're 50. 

Further, when you're thirty-something, there are still casual encounters to be had...there's still a pool from which you can draw. That pool gets narrower and harder to find the older you get—and still narrower and harder to find the more set in your ways you get. 

Still, I don't lament my choice. It was absolutely right for me. And my life's not over yet. There may still be a "love of my life" to eclipse whichever man I would consider so today. 

But when I think back on what started my "relationship apathy", I guess I'd have to say that I was just tired of investing my time and energy into relationships that eventually left me hurt and healing. Let's say you're with someone for a year or so and it takes a year to recover enough from all the dashed dreams (I'm a slow healer...haha) before you're actually anxious to go out on another date. You have to look back on all of that and ask "were those two years I spent out of balance—first in the excitement of a new love, then in seeking balance with a new love, then in riding the disagreements, then in the decline of the relationship and then in the post-relationship healing—worth the good times I had?" For me, the answer kept coming up as "no."

The thing about love is that you can't avoid having your heart broken. Even couples that have survived 50 years of marriage and are still in love have had their share of heartbreaks along the way. So if you let heartbreak deter you from romance, it's always going to block your way. You can't change the fact that there will be hurt, feelings of betrayal, etc. 

When I look at the enviable relationships around me—I was blessed by parents that hung in there till death did they part—they all worked through these disappointments and heartbreaks. It's not because their relationships WEREN'T challenged that they lasted so long, it's because they WERE. 

I can't speak for my young colleagues, but I can see where the prospect of disappointment, pain and heartache are blocking romance for me. I mean, if Prince Charming came along and was so magnetic and persistent that I couldn't say no, like you see in all the Lifetime movies, then I would probably dive in. But you've watched Lifetime movies before, right? They're, at best, loosely based on reality...haha. So for now, I'm not really interested or prepared to accept someone in my life. And, like today's draw has pointed out, until I'm ready to accept the inevitability of disappointment, pain and heartbreak mixed in with all the rest of what a romantic relationship can be, I'll never be. 

8/28/12—Turning the Shadow Upside Down

Today's Draw: The Hanged Man from the Deviant Moon Tarot by Patrick Valenza. Do you have a tendency to put things off? Or do you respond so quickly that other opportunities don't have time to present themselves? What lurks on the shadow side of the man who sees life from a different perspective?

It's Day Two of Shadow Side Week and today we have the Hanged Man. Traditionally, the Hanged Man can be about taking a pause, making a voluntary sacrifice for a higher good or looking at something from a different perspective. But Patrick Valenza's definition of this card has a perfect shadow side meaning—"A citizen hangs suspended in limbo. He is apathetic and feels no urgent need to alter his situation."

Back in spring, I think, I commissioned one of my FBFs for a reading on two areas of my life in which I'd like to make progress. And her blunt reading to me was that I would have to apply myself to those things, or otherwise another year will pass without me doing something about it. At the time I read those words I thought "well, you don't know me very well missy!" Haha. And the truth is, six months later I still haven't made progress on those things and her words now haunt me every day. 

I admit it. My name is Tierney and I'm a procrastinator. And the reason I was put off by her reading was because she pegged me. And I knew it. This isn't the first year I've been meaning to get around to those two areas of my life. Unlike the Hanged Man, it's not because of apathy, necessarily. It's because my need/desire to change doesn't yet eclipse my desire to stay comfortably the same. And I'll also cop to a little fear of how those changes will change me. 

So that's one shadow side of the Hanged Man, but here are a few other suggestions. The sacrifice aspect could manifest as someone who martyrs themselves, continually sacrificing their needs for those around them. This perpetuates a victim role that pushes others away, leaving the person to wonder why, when they give so much of themselves, do so few people appreciate and respect them?

If the Hanged Man is seeing things from a different perspective, another shadow side might be someone who has closed their mind. Have you ever noticed how many people there are out there with closed minds, yet how few of them will ever admit to it? That's because their minds are closed to the possibility that their minds might be closed....haha. I was reading a political thread the other day where this guy was calling one of the candidates all sorts of unflattering names and spouting innuendo about them while glorifying the other candidate as flawless. Then in the next breath he said his mind was open about the election. If the other candidate could show even one redeeming quality, he'd be open to considering it. 

*eye roll*

And, just as taking too much time to move on your goals can be a shadow side to the Hanged Man, so can acting on impulse...never taking time to consider the consequences before speaking and acting. When we're afraid or angry, it's always a good idea to pause before reacting. Once let out in the ether, we can't take our words and actions back. I had a gentleman caller over here not that long ago and said something that gave me a case of the giggles I couldn't get rid of. My attitude was inadvertently hurtful and I never heard from the guy again. I can't really blame him. 

Another aspect of acting too quickly is the person who's so on top of their to-do list that they pounce on making a decision or dispatching a task so quickly that they don't give other options a chance to present themselves. Or maybe they're so quick to act that they don't fully understand what they're doing before they do it. These are the people who respond before you even finish your sentence, often missing the entire point of what you were going to say. And before you can explain it to them, they're on to something new. 

So does any of this sound like you? When you really look at it, what do you think is beneath your shadow behaviors?

6/22/12—Committing to Your Dream

Today's Draw: The Four of Wands from Patrick Valenza's Deviant Moon. Are you prepared to meet your destiny? Have you done all the necessary prep work? And are you truly ready to commit?

You never know what darkness—or just plain weirdness—you'll find lurking in the moonshade of this particular deck. But this card just brings a smile to the heart. A happy couple pauses for a meaningful glance on the path to the new home they'll be making together. Their look indicates a commitment. Their grasp indicates partnership, togetherness and support. And their little tomatillo pod home symbolizes both security and a good foundation for moving forward.

So far this week, we've talked about assessing situations, being open to unexpected solutions, clearing space and preparing that space for new things to come in. In short, the week seems to paint the picture of the process of creating change in our lives. And today's card adds the next step—committing to our new direction and building a solid foundation for it. 

So I'll tell you about my week so far. For the past few weeks, actually, I have been literally clearing space in my home, my life and my psyche. Then, this past Sunday, I led a waning moon releasing ceremony with the intention of releasing my blocks—fears, false beliefs, procrastination, etc.—to success (primarily in regard to a future career as an author.) So between those activities, I've been assessing my situation and clearing space. 

In the categories of being open to unexpected solutions and preparing my space, I signed up for a writer's workshop being offered by a major publisher. This is a workshop I had seen many times before and ignored, but this time I was open to learning more. The price was reasonable. The location couldn't get any better. And the timing is perfect because I've been working on a new book proposal all week. (The book proposal also qualifies for the "preparing my space" part.)

Now, I thought this workshop (which happens in September) was the universe answering my prayers and actually cried when it just randomly popped in front of my eyes. And it was/is. But in another twist in the "remaining open" category, I sent an email off to a friend who once casually said to me "when you get serious about publishing that book, let me know." I had no idea what that meant or if it even meant anything at all, but I kept it in my head. And instead of deciding it was "just talk", I remained open and followed up on it this week. 

To set the stage, I have two publishers in my head that I want to work with. One is sort of a sentimental/emotional favorite of mine. I've had my eye on them for a long time. They're a small publisher, but have had a couple of big successes. They're also open to unsolicited manuscripts, so that's a very good thing. The other publisher is not open to unsolicited manuscripts, so I'd have to find an agent before I approach them. They are, however, larger. They have tons of star-making power and could bring my platform to a much larger audience. Frankly, they intimidate me, because I fear my own success.

Anyway, long story short, I write my friend and she happens to be chummy with one of the authors from the large publisher—an author I just happen to adore and feel my message aligns with. This author will be in town—with the head honcho of the publishing company!—when the book writing workshop is happening and my friend thinks she can arrange a meeting with her. Can you imagine?! Meeting one of my favorite authors would be enough, but what if I could slip her my proposal? Then what if it just happens to slip over to the head honcho? Haha. 

What I'm getting at here, is that time has come for commitment. Instead of just working on my proposal, I have to finish it. And instead of waiting for a contract to write the book, I've got to get that going, too. (You only need a few finished chapters for a proposal and I have that.). Getting my crap together before September—no matter what happens with my friend's friend—is the firm foundation I need to rise up and meet this occasion. The funny thing is, after I do all of this, I may not even need the writing workshop (since it's mostly about the proposal process). But it is still, nonetheless, critical to my plan for other reasons.

So really just within days of clearing my space and beginning to prepare it, the need for a commitment has swooped in. See, you don't need commitment when you're just setting the stage. But once this meeting is set, there will be no backing out. There will be no more procrastination in the face of fear. The opportunity I've been preparing for in one way or another for years, will be here and I will have to rise up to greet it. That moment will come for you, too.

So this Four of Wands is about that commitment, but also about the solid foundation needed to move forward. Some of the things I've already been doing to clean up my life is part of that. Certainly my spiritual journey is part of that. This blog and what it's given me in terms of voice, discipline and the exercising of my spiritual noggin is part of it. There are still some things I have to build the foundation for. I mean, if I'm going to be more "public", I need to be ready for that. So while I still have many miles to go, I feel I'm on my way. 

Is there something in here you can apply to your own situation? Are you ready to fully commit? 

PS: As I was finishing this blog post, I got an email from a *different* friend informing me my TOP SECRET Tarot Project is now available for pre-order on Amazon.com! Though the book I talk about above is a spiritual book intended for a broad audience, this project is a tarot book and deck (intended entirely for tarot readers). Anyway, the amazing serendipity of the timing couldn't get better! If I am one day a popular author...or if I ever write a best seller...know that you were here for the magic week when all my years of work (and procrastination) started to come together!