4/25/13—Blocking Romance

Today's Draw: Three of Swords from the Deviant Moon in the What You Can't Change That's Blocking Romance position from the Deck of 1000 Spreads. Are you pretty much decided upon remaining single? Do you have a reason why? Whether you're in relationship or not, do you find you protect yourself from the downsides of love?

My daily process is that I choose a card or three at random from the Deck of 1000 Spreads then, more often than not, I worry that the tarot deck I choose will fail to make sense in the context of the convoluted position I've established. And you know what? It always DOES make sense. 

Take this Three of Swords, for example. This three-legged woman has had her heart pierced and broken by love. Perhaps it was something her partner failed to say, or insisted upon doing...or was incapable of feeling. But there she stands, a storm looming in the distance, distressed and with a single black tear issuing from her eye. She touches the tip of one sword—can she bear any more pain? Has she now lost her capacity to love forever?

A couple of weeks ago I went to a meeting with a man and woman and, on our drive over, the topic of conversation was whether or not it was even worth it to couple anymore. As they lamented all the work and heartache that went into building a relationship, just to have each successive one fail, they were preaching to the choir. All three of us had full lives without partners. And they were 15-20 years younger than me and invested in building their careers.

I found it interesting that these two, very attractive specimens of the "younger generation" were discovering what I discovered at their age—I'd rather be content and balanced as a single person than subject to the expectations and heartaches of coupledom. But I also felt a little like I should warn them...warn them that you become so comfortable after 20 years of solitary living and casual flirtations that you can become somehow "unfit" for relationship...haha. I mean, if you think it's a pain in the ass when you're 30, wait until you're 50. 

Further, when you're thirty-something, there are still casual encounters to be had...there's still a pool from which you can draw. That pool gets narrower and harder to find the older you get—and still narrower and harder to find the more set in your ways you get. 

Still, I don't lament my choice. It was absolutely right for me. And my life's not over yet. There may still be a "love of my life" to eclipse whichever man I would consider so today. 

But when I think back on what started my "relationship apathy", I guess I'd have to say that I was just tired of investing my time and energy into relationships that eventually left me hurt and healing. Let's say you're with someone for a year or so and it takes a year to recover enough from all the dashed dreams (I'm a slow healer...haha) before you're actually anxious to go out on another date. You have to look back on all of that and ask "were those two years I spent out of balance—first in the excitement of a new love, then in seeking balance with a new love, then in riding the disagreements, then in the decline of the relationship and then in the post-relationship healing—worth the good times I had?" For me, the answer kept coming up as "no."

The thing about love is that you can't avoid having your heart broken. Even couples that have survived 50 years of marriage and are still in love have had their share of heartbreaks along the way. So if you let heartbreak deter you from romance, it's always going to block your way. You can't change the fact that there will be hurt, feelings of betrayal, etc. 

When I look at the enviable relationships around me—I was blessed by parents that hung in there till death did they part—they all worked through these disappointments and heartbreaks. It's not because their relationships WEREN'T challenged that they lasted so long, it's because they WERE. 

I can't speak for my young colleagues, but I can see where the prospect of disappointment, pain and heartache are blocking romance for me. I mean, if Prince Charming came along and was so magnetic and persistent that I couldn't say no, like you see in all the Lifetime movies, then I would probably dive in. But you've watched Lifetime movies before, right? They're, at best, loosely based on reality...haha. So for now, I'm not really interested or prepared to accept someone in my life. And, like today's draw has pointed out, until I'm ready to accept the inevitability of disappointment, pain and heartbreak mixed in with all the rest of what a romantic relationship can be, I'll never be. 

9/27/12—Meeting Your Perfect Match

Today's Draw: Two of Cups from Tarot of the Absurd by Jessica Rose Shanahan. Do you choose partners based on your heart, your head or both? When you look back over your relationships, have you always followed the same formula? When did you know (or will you know) you'd met your perfect match?

OK. I might as well declare it Marble week at the Daily Draw. I've had my little foster girlfriend for three days and she's popped up in the cards three times. Wednesday night was her first meeting with potential parents, so if that's not a Two of Cups moment, I don't know what is. 

The Two of Cups is about meeting a soulmate, finding a partner, sparking up a romance and other such things. To Marble that means finding the right forever parents. She's already got a couple of families interested in her. And those families are looking at other dogs. And somewhere in all of that, stars collide and hearts beat faster and both sides find their home. 

Tonight's potential parents were a really cute, young urban couple from Capitol Hill. They were "smart" with a soupcon of hip, the likes of which would bring Marble to dog parks and outdoor cafes and concerts at the Mall. I could see Miss Marble with them, but I think they would be good parents for any dog. They mentioned taking their new dog to training before I even had the opportunity to suggest it. I know it was a really good bonding thing for me and Magick when I first got her and she certainly needed some lessons. 

Anyway, they had other dogs to meet before they made their decision. If they don't work out, maybe she'll meet a beefy young man who's training for a marathon and needs a joggy dog. Or maybe she'll meet a mommy who has another dog with whom she can continue the WWE Wrestlemania Smackdowns she's started with Magick. Marble is that kind of gal. You can dress her up for a fete on the Mall or dress her down for some roller derby action. She's comfortable either way. 

We're happy to keep Marble until she finds her perfect match.

Whatever happens, Marble is playing it smart. She's not going to fall in love just because someone is falling in love with her. She's not going to hop into a relationship, leading with her heart. And she's not going to get lost in the romantic nonsense of a white knight riding in and saving her from her lonely orphanhood. She's happy to go solo until the kind of parents come along that appeal to both the heart and the head. 

For her, that means adequate cash flow to get the GOOD kibble, a bed big enough for a much larger dog so she can spread out, plenty of walkies, parents who are trained to discipline without spanking, a dedicated spot on the sofa for cuddletimes, treats that don't come from toxic factories in China and enough empathy and patience to understand that perfect dogs don't happen overnight. Oh, and unconditional love. Lots and lots of that. 

So what appeals to both your heart and head? Are you with that person now? And if not, can you see where you might have comprised your head for your heart in the past? What's your sad dog story?

9/24/12—Thinking Like a Romantic

Today's Draw: Knight of Cups from the Infinite Visions tarot. Do you consider yourself romantic? What are some of the romantic things you've been known to do? And what are some romantic things others have done for you?

Tarot's knights are the crusaders of the deck. They're on a mission. And the Knight of Cups is on a mission for love. He's the deck's romantic. 

I have to admit I'm not terribly romantic myself. Or I should say I'm not prone to acting in romantic ways. I mean, in certain moods, I can talk some good romance. But even me saying that in that way kind of indicates that I'm not terribly romantic. :D

When I was trying to think of romantic things men have done for me, the first two that popped into my head were related to food. I had a boyfriend who would eat around the almonds in the Vanilla Swiss Almond, then pass the pint to me to eat the almonds he'd excavated. We'd pass back and forth like that until the pint was gone. That was romantic to me because I'm not terribly fond of vanilla ice cream, but I do like me some Swiss almonds. 

The other romantic food thing was a man who didn't like the skin on Peking Duck. Every woman should have a man like that...haha. Anyway, on Valentine's Day one year we ordered Peking Duck in and he made me my pancakes...heavy on the skin. It was very sweet. 

There have been many romantic things men have done that I haven't seen as such. I mean other women would find them romantic, but they go right over my head. Many women find it romantic when men do things for them...like open car doors or fix things around the house. I'm so self sufficient that it's hard for a man to reach me that way. It's hard for them to do anything I can't—and probably already haven't—done for myself. 

When it comes down to it, I'm really pretty much of a loner in life. I'm not in relationships frequently. I prefer being alone most of the time. Being that way makes me less willing to buy into the whole "falling in love with love" thing, primarily because I'm never quite convinced I want to be in a relationship in the first place. Then when I get in one, I'm so disoriented that I'm not even thinking of little extra things to make someone smile. 

So what's your romance story? What's the most romantic thing someone has done for you? What romantic things have you done for your partner? And if you're in a long-term relationship, has the romance died or is it still alive?

9/21/12—Romancing Your Relationships

Today's Draw: The Knight of Cups from the Lenormand Tarot. When was the last time you told a friend, partner or colleague something you really appreciate about them? When was the last time someone did that for you? Are you keeping the "romance" alive in your relationships?

The Knight of Cups is the tarot's romantic...the one who rides in on his white horse and sweeps you off his feet. 

This week is about relationships and so the way I'm going to interpret this one is fairly quick (this week has been exhausting!). Here it goes: Say something nice to someone you care about. 

Really. Think about it. When do you tell a friend how much you appreciate them or how neat they are? Sometimes we get so caught up in life that we forget to just "romance" our friends. Or our mate. Or our children. Sure we do stuff and assume they know we appreciate them, but how often do you say something like, "the way you xyz'd the other day really meant a lot to me"? When do you single out the LITTLE things?

And I'm also not talking about saying "I love you." That's one of those automatic things that rolls off the lips. No, I'm talking about noticing one of the many little things they do every day to support the relationship. Or pointing out something they did without thinking—because that's who they are—that made a difference to you. 

The funny thing is that I did this twice today before I ever pulled this card. I told one friend, who is also a colleague, how frickin' awesome she is and how much I respect her as a professional and not just as a friend. And I thanked another person today for something they did without even thinking...something that was profoundly meaningful to me. It was one of those things that I could have so easily let pass—to her it was nothing. But then she never would have known what a difference she makes in the lives of others. 

Somewhere in your world someone has done something to pick you up when you were down. Or maybe it's something that they just do because they're them. Give them the gift of letting them know. Out loud. Let them see on your face how much they mean to you. And if you're on the receiving en, don't just brush it off. Take it in and hold it precious, because it is.