1/24/13—Feeling Your Fear

Today's Draw: Nine of Swords in the Action position from the Hello Kitty tarot and the Deck of 1000 Spreads. Are you afraid of making a change? Are you waiting for your fear to subside before you do that? Or are you maybe trying to gain control of your fear first?

The Nine of Swords, adorable as it is in this deck, is a card about worries, fears and nightmares...the kinds of things that keep you awake at night. And yet today, we have it in the "Action" position, meaning it's what the tarot recommends we do. 

Well, this all ties together perfectly with yesterday's reading. Yesterday we talked about having the courage to let go of one rope so you can grab another—to commit to a new way of being without necessarily having a safety net to catch you if you fall. 

What today's duo comes to tell us it something that's very relevant in my life. It's telling us that we have to feel these fears and negative emotions. We're not supposed to ignore them. We're not supposed to drink them away. Or eat them away. Or deny them. Or avoid them in any other way. 

Sometimes I find myself putting negative emotions aside...seeing the bright side or explaining things away. Or I might be sad and turn on the TV to distract me. Or maybe I'll start crying about something and buck myself up. There are a number of ways I know to keep from feeling feelings. I even do it with positive feelings—"ok, enough of that, let's get back to business". 

I think a lot of this came from being made fun of as a kid. I learned to build a callous against hurt feelings. And I was a sensitive girl...dramatic. I remember my father saying, "don't cry, you look ugly when you cry." His intentions weren't to be mean. I guess he thought that logic would keep me from crying. Those are a couple of things that come to mind as to why I do this. 

As a society, when someone's sad we have a tendency to try to cheer them up. When someone's crying we say "don't cry". When someone's feelings are hurt, we say "don't feel that way". But the thing is, we have to. Holding negative feelings inside is toxic. And to think you can just ignore them and push them aside is a fallacy. 

Everything has an energy. And that energy needs to be processed. It's like peas...haha. I hated peas as a kid, so I would hide them under my potato skin. It was an excellent cover. It might fool my mom, but the peas didn't disappear. They were still under the potato skin. And the energy of our feelings doesn't go away—no matter where we hide it—until we process and transform it through our "emotional digestive system."

Lately I've been indulging my emotions more. My brother's illness and death have played a large role in all of that. I remember crying some about my mother dying, but it always bothered me that I really didn't shed any tears for my father. I do, however, remember going numb. That all happened 25-30 years ago and, in between, I can see a series of either non-feeling or focusing on some feelings and ignoring others. 

There's a saying that courage isn't doing something with the absence of fear. It's about doing it despite your fear. So if courage is what we need to transform our lives, then we've got to be honest about it, feel the fear, mourn the past, and go forward regardless. 

1/2/13—Attracting Bad Energy

Today's Draw: Nine of Swords from the Nigel Jackson Tarot. Are you a beacon for a certain type of person or energy in your life? Have you ever really examined why? Would you rather be a victim of these situations, or would you rather be the cause?

Today's card art is one of the reasons I like Nigel Jackson. It's non-traditional, tarot-wise, and just has these great colors and concepts. The meaning of "martyrdom" and "ominous signs" is also non-traditional, seeing as how Swords are the fire suit in this deck. For the non-tarotists, those meanings are closer to the Nine of Swords as an air sign than they are to the Nine of Wands, which is the traditional fire sign in tarot. *nudging the non-tarotists who fell asleep during that last sentence*

We all know people who come upon the same problems with others over and over again in their lives. They know all the perpetrator's problems and pathology. And yet they're completely unaware of the role and responsibility they have in the dynamic. The only explanation is that the other person is an asshole or jealous or mentally ill. And, for some reason, people like that keep finding them. Like the guy in the picture, there's some sort of cloud or demon or bad luck hanging over their head. 

Truth is, all of us have these repeating issues in our lives, whether it's with another person or with life in general. And sometimes it's hard to pinpoint the reasons why. But the reasons are never anything or anyone outside of us. If you're a beacon for all the assholes, idiots and crazies in this world, it's because of something you're doing—or not doing—to attract the behavior. And, like most psychologically and spiritually unhealthy things, it usually driven by some sort of fear. 

An example from my own life is a pattern of attracting people who take advantage...who don't return the energy given in the friendship. Which is not to say all people are like that. I have plenty of people in my life that aren't like that. But that I tend to draw "users" close, then regret it. Some of it is due to a need on my part to be liked and seen as "good". I give so I'll be liked. And the people most attracted to that are people who like to take and not give in return. That's only a part of why I've attracted those people in the past. There's more, because I'm clearly a deeply disturbed person...haha. But you can see how the puzzle pieces fit together. 

Thing is, it's not an issue you can fix as long as you're focusing all your attention on how bad or inconsiderate or crazy they are. You can only fix it if you see where you attract it and focus your attention on fixing it. Otherwise, you'll just attract another. Or create a scenario in your mind where someone is doing the same thing to you. If you go looking for it by seeing it in everyone or thinking people have a secret agenda, you'll find it. 

None of us wants to believe we're the reason things are the way they are in our lives. Personally, I'd rather find out these patterns are all my fault than to find out I have no control over what happens in my life. The scary things are the things we can't change in life, not the ones we can. 

6/29/12—Facing The Black Hole

Today's Draw: Nine of Swords—The Black Hole—from the Science Tarot. Do you often feel that something's missing in your life? Is there a bad habit or excess you'd like to eliminate from your life? How often do you spend time by yourself with no distractions—no radio, not when you're driving the car, not while you're reading—just you, yourself and thy sitting around being good to each other?

A black hole is when a star collapses in on itself, pulling all its mass into something so small it can't even been seen. Everything in its vicinity is pulled inside, too, never to be seen again. Not even light can escape the prison of a black hole.

Even though all that mass compressed into an invisible black hole is tough for even my favorite astrophysicist, Neil de Grasse Tyson, to wrap his head around, on one level, we kind of understand it, don't we? Because each of us has one inside us...a black hole so vast that no amount of Oreos, no kilos of drugs, no number of children, no posse of pool boys and no storehouse of sparkly things can fill it. Its gravitational field pulls us in. Nothing can escape it, least of all the light of peace.

*mindlessly filing my nails while some of you slit your wrists over this ugly truth*

So today's Nine of Swords comes to us for a couple of reasons on the final day of "how to create peace" week. The first reason is that it's in the suit of swords, which is the suit of the mind. Yesterday's card was a Swords card, too. And both of them are pretty dreaded cards to get in a reading. Not because they predict bad things, but because they point at things we're already doing—the  ways in which we allow our own minds to defeat us. Yesterday's card was about the negativities we dwell upon and today's is about disillusionment and the lies we tell ourselves. 

Really the two cards are very interconnected. Some of the negative stuff we dwell upon is about us and our abilities and potentials, for example. On one end of the scale we tell ourselves that a prince will come in on a white horse and we'll live happily ever after, thereby ruining every relationship we forge under that belief before it even starts. On the other end of the scale we tell ourselves in one way or another that we are somehow limited—not smart, lucky, pretty, creative or deserving enough to reach for the highest star. So these are some ways in which our minds defeat us. And with all that noise up there, with all our limited potential and dashed dreams, how will we ever find peace?

Gratuitous photo of my next-life boyfriend, the phenom known simply as NdGT.

But the other part of this Nine of Swords is this black hole inside us. The one we fill with food, alcohol, social engagements, television and other, more innocent sounding distractions like music, books and gardening. (Oh, yeah. That.) None of those things are bad by any means, by themselves and in moderation. But when they build up into a ball of noise and roughage so huge we can't hear ourselves think...when we use them to numb the pain inside...when they keep us from listening to our inner voice...when we expect them to fill the void...that's when they create problems. 

I think this is probably the #1 thing society is in denial of. Somewhere inside us, though, we know. We know "something" is missing. We know something else is excessive. A big part of it comes from looking to something outside of you—romance, children, potato chips, possessions, thrills—to make you happy or rescue you from the burden of your "self." Our fears overtake us and that black hole looks like a source of comfort, but it always ends up leaving you cold.

So what's the answer? Some of the answers have been given this week. Learn how to love and trust yourself, learn how to accept yourself and others and start a healthier relationship with yourself...listen to yourself, give yourself a break. That's the thing that's missing—a healthy, loving, respectful relationship with yourself. Yeah, I know it's hard to do. There's no Cliff Notes version. It takes time. Trust me, I'm still working on it myself. It's a practice, more than an event, meaning it's something you form the habit of doing every day. Just like you formed the habit of second-guessing yourself way back when. 

Still not sure who Neil deGrasse Tyson (NdGT) is?

But the biggest part—and, honestly, the reason I think you come here however often you do—is to stop being afraid of what you'll find when you look within. Have the balls to ask yourself the tough questions and be honest about the answers, which so many of you are already doing. So much is stuff we've been struggling with since childhood. The input we got from back then is deeply rooted and nobody escapes unscathed. Sometimes I swear I think we come here to this earth to heal our childhoods...haha. But another way of looking at it is that our childhoods happened the way they did to give us the cues we need to heal our souls. 

One of the reasons I'm so frank about my own life here at times is to show others they're not alone. Monsters thrive in the dark, and until we shine light on these things and deal with them as they are, we can't defeat them. But we can't do that if we think we're the only ones who feel emptiness or disappointment in our lives and in ourselves. The energy we spend holding on to the shame could be used to escape the black hole. This may not be possible in outer space, but it is possible within.

1/17/12—Remembering Gratitude

Today's Draw: Nine of Swords from the Art Postcard Tarot by Marcia McCord. Has some thought gotten hold of you to the point that it's haunting you? Do you feel vulnerable right now? Have you used the resources at your command to return yourself to center?

Although this card can be about disillusionment and denial, I more frequently connect it to those thoughts that keep you up at night. Maybe they're worries. Or some obsessive drama that plays over in your mind. Or maybe you're telling someone off in your mind. 

I've been doing this a lot lately. And when I get like this, it's a good signal that I'm feeling vulnerable. Things that would normally bounce right off me, penetrate instead. I don't always realize it right off, but it's also a signal that I've left something open energetically, so negative thinking that was looking for a way in, found its way in. 

There was a time in my life that I would stay up obsessing over stuff every night. Stuff like "did I remember to lock the door when I left the office?" "Why did I say XYZ to So-And-So?" And spontaneously remembering things that I should probably write down, but would have to turn the light on in order to do so. 

Right now it's about a job I'm working on with clients I can't seem to do anything right for. And it has brought me right back to times when I was younger that I was afraid of getting in trouble...or got in trouble for something I didn't do. It's a fear-based, diminishing mindset that I'm no longer used to living in. And I feel like the last couple months of stress, overloaded calendars and decisions I've made for my future have sort of weakened my emotional immune system. I'm not in my comfort zone, so I'm feeling all discombobulated. And I hate that I'm doing this to myself, because I've had some really good "wins" in the last couple of months, too, and have chosen to focus on the ooky stuff instead.

Yesterday we talked about how hope is always available to us, and my Facebook friend, P.C.,  commented that gratitude was the path to hope. That's so true, isn't it? Gratitude is a sure path back to hope, grace, faith and all the beacons of light within our higher selves. As much as some of us practice this stuff, sometimes we nonetheless have to be reminded. In the past week, I've gotten two such reminders. One was to protect myself energetically...something I'm usually cognizant of. (And by this, I just mean to imagine the protective white light of God surrounding you.) And earlier today, gratitude. 

So if any of you are out there and feeling a little off your game...or worried...or obsessive about something that happened in your life, remember those two techniques to guide you back to your faith and strength. Feelings need to be felt. There is nothing wrong with being sad or whatever. But when you feel it so much you it starts seeming like you're captive in its clutches, it's time to find a way back to center. And one good place to start is gratitude.