12/11/12—Peering Into Our Trail of Stardust

Today's Draw Classic*: Ace of Wands from the Science Tarot—Nebula. Is there something you're doing right now based solely on gut instinct? When you look back on your life, do you see a lot of "clues" that haven't yet materialized into anything? What do you see in your trail of stardust?

The book for this deck says, "apparently from nothing, the star stuff comes together and begins to take shape. But what will become of this gathering of dust, this mass of potential, this nebulous form just beginning to emerge?"

The Ace of Wands signals a beginning of some creative effort...the first steps into a sea of possibilities. Maybe you're just now thinking of pursuing a new hobby. That thought is a speck of stardust. The class you're taking? That hunch your following? Another speck. And another speck. 

Sometimes we don't know what we're building until it's half built. After ten years of working in advertising agencies, I stunned myself by making a split-second decision to become a freelancer. In the very moment I made my decision, I realized it was the trajectory I'd been on my entire career. A minute before, I was clueless. A minute afterward, I had a calling. True story. And when I looked back on the previous ten years, all the specks of stardust leading me there became visible in ways I hadn't seen before. 

That was 15 years ago. And now I'm seeing another trail of stardust gathering with these blogs and other work I'm doing. It hasn't quite formed into anything tangible yet. I'm not sure what I'm doing or why. But I'm following my instinct. 

I think we all have times in our lives that we wonder what the heck we're doing it all for. Our path may seem fruitless, thankless or unforgiving. But we're throwing out specks of stardust and, somewhere out of our view, something is, nonetheless, in the process of forming. 

We may have no idea what we're doing, but we can still maintain control over the energy those specks are wrapped up in. Are they wrapped in bitterness? Exhaustion? Hopelessness? Or are they wrapped like the gift they are?

This is the second time this week that stardust has been a part of this reading. I have no idea why. But maybe it's a clue that there's magic afoot for us. Even if it's not, we can still proceed like there is, though.

I often think back to that day 15 years ago when I made a life-changing decision, seemingly out of the blue. Calling the days and weeks after it blessed or freeing or magic just doesn't seem to do it justice. Everything suddenly made sense and I had complete trust and faith I wasn't being led down this path to fail. Over the past five years I've done a number of things just from my gut without needing to know why. This blog, a series of meditations by the river and all this poking around into tarot teaching and book writing are among them. All specks of stardust gathering into a form I can't quite make out, but sense this year will bring into greater clarity.

What might your own stardust be telling you?

*From a post made on 1/18/12

6/29/12—Facing The Black Hole

Today's Draw: Nine of Swords—The Black Hole—from the Science Tarot. Do you often feel that something's missing in your life? Is there a bad habit or excess you'd like to eliminate from your life? How often do you spend time by yourself with no distractions—no radio, not when you're driving the car, not while you're reading—just you, yourself and thy sitting around being good to each other?

A black hole is when a star collapses in on itself, pulling all its mass into something so small it can't even been seen. Everything in its vicinity is pulled inside, too, never to be seen again. Not even light can escape the prison of a black hole.

Even though all that mass compressed into an invisible black hole is tough for even my favorite astrophysicist, Neil de Grasse Tyson, to wrap his head around, on one level, we kind of understand it, don't we? Because each of us has one inside us...a black hole so vast that no amount of Oreos, no kilos of drugs, no number of children, no posse of pool boys and no storehouse of sparkly things can fill it. Its gravitational field pulls us in. Nothing can escape it, least of all the light of peace.

*mindlessly filing my nails while some of you slit your wrists over this ugly truth*

So today's Nine of Swords comes to us for a couple of reasons on the final day of "how to create peace" week. The first reason is that it's in the suit of swords, which is the suit of the mind. Yesterday's card was a Swords card, too. And both of them are pretty dreaded cards to get in a reading. Not because they predict bad things, but because they point at things we're already doing—the  ways in which we allow our own minds to defeat us. Yesterday's card was about the negativities we dwell upon and today's is about disillusionment and the lies we tell ourselves. 

Really the two cards are very interconnected. Some of the negative stuff we dwell upon is about us and our abilities and potentials, for example. On one end of the scale we tell ourselves that a prince will come in on a white horse and we'll live happily ever after, thereby ruining every relationship we forge under that belief before it even starts. On the other end of the scale we tell ourselves in one way or another that we are somehow limited—not smart, lucky, pretty, creative or deserving enough to reach for the highest star. So these are some ways in which our minds defeat us. And with all that noise up there, with all our limited potential and dashed dreams, how will we ever find peace?

Gratuitous photo of my next-life boyfriend, the phenom known simply as NdGT.

But the other part of this Nine of Swords is this black hole inside us. The one we fill with food, alcohol, social engagements, television and other, more innocent sounding distractions like music, books and gardening. (Oh, yeah. That.) None of those things are bad by any means, by themselves and in moderation. But when they build up into a ball of noise and roughage so huge we can't hear ourselves think...when we use them to numb the pain inside...when they keep us from listening to our inner voice...when we expect them to fill the void...that's when they create problems. 

I think this is probably the #1 thing society is in denial of. Somewhere inside us, though, we know. We know "something" is missing. We know something else is excessive. A big part of it comes from looking to something outside of you—romance, children, potato chips, possessions, thrills—to make you happy or rescue you from the burden of your "self." Our fears overtake us and that black hole looks like a source of comfort, but it always ends up leaving you cold.

So what's the answer? Some of the answers have been given this week. Learn how to love and trust yourself, learn how to accept yourself and others and start a healthier relationship with yourself...listen to yourself, give yourself a break. That's the thing that's missing—a healthy, loving, respectful relationship with yourself. Yeah, I know it's hard to do. There's no Cliff Notes version. It takes time. Trust me, I'm still working on it myself. It's a practice, more than an event, meaning it's something you form the habit of doing every day. Just like you formed the habit of second-guessing yourself way back when. 

Still not sure who Neil deGrasse Tyson (NdGT) is?

But the biggest part—and, honestly, the reason I think you come here however often you do—is to stop being afraid of what you'll find when you look within. Have the balls to ask yourself the tough questions and be honest about the answers, which so many of you are already doing. So much is stuff we've been struggling with since childhood. The input we got from back then is deeply rooted and nobody escapes unscathed. Sometimes I swear I think we come here to this earth to heal our childhoods...haha. But another way of looking at it is that our childhoods happened the way they did to give us the cues we need to heal our souls. 

One of the reasons I'm so frank about my own life here at times is to show others they're not alone. Monsters thrive in the dark, and until we shine light on these things and deal with them as they are, we can't defeat them. But we can't do that if we think we're the only ones who feel emptiness or disappointment in our lives and in ourselves. The energy we spend holding on to the shame could be used to escape the black hole. This may not be possible in outer space, but it is possible within.

1/18/12—Peering Into Our Trail of Stardust

Today's Draw: Ace of Wands from the Science Tarot—Nebula. Is there something you're doing right now based solely on gut instinct? When you look back on your life, do you see a lot of "clues" that haven't yet materialized into anything? What do you see in your trail of stardust?

The book for this deck says, "apparently from nothing, the star stuff comes together and begins to take shape. But what will become of this gathering of dust, this mass of potential, this nebulous form just beginning to emerge?"

The Ace of Wands signals a beginning of some creative effort...the first steps into a sea of possibilities. Maybe you're just now thinking of pursuing a new hobby. That thought is a speck of stardust. The class you're taking? That hunch your following? Another speck. And another speck. 

Sometimes we don't know what we're building until it's half built. After ten years of working in advertising agencies, I stunned myself by making a split-second decision to become a freelancer. In the very moment I made my decision, I realized it was the trajectory I'd been on my entire career. A minute before, I was clueless. A minute afterward, I had a calling. True story. And when I looked back on the previous ten years, all the specks of stardust leading me there became visible in ways I hadn't seen before. 

That was 15 years ago. And now I'm seeing another trail of stardust gathering with these blogs and other work I'm doing. It hasn't quite formed into anything tangible yet. I'm not sure what I'm doing or why. But I'm following my instinct. 

I think we all have times in our lives that we wonder what the heck we're doing it all for. Our path may seem fruitless, thankless or unforgiving. But we're throwing out specks of stardust and, somewhere out of our view, something is, nonetheless, in the process of forming. 

We may have no idea what we're doing, but we can still maintain control over the energy those specks are wrapped up in. Are they wrapped in bitterness? Exhaustion? Hopelessness? Or are they wrapped like the gift they are?

This is the second time this week that stardust has been a part of this reading. I have no idea why. But maybe it's a clue that there's magic afoot for us. Even if it's not, we can still proceed like there is, though.

I often think back to that day 15 years ago when I made a life-changing decision, seemingly out of the blue. Calling the days and weeks after it blessed or freeing or magic just doesn't seem to do it justice. Everything suddenly made sense and I had complete trust and faith I wasn't being led down this path to fail. Over the past five years I've done a number of things just from my gut without needing to know why. This blog, a series of meditations by the river and all this poking around into tarot teaching and book writing are among them. All specks of stardust gathering into a form I can't quite make out, but sense this year will bring into greater clarity.

What might your own stardust be telling you?