5/15/13—Claiming Your Power

TODAY'S DRAW BREAKING NEWS!!!! 
I will be interviewed on an internet radio program Wednesday night at 7pm Eastern US about spirituality, my deck, breaking the rules, manifestation and more. The show will be archived if you miss it live. I hope you'll tune in. Details can be found here.  http://www.blogtalkradio.com/psychicalx/2013/05/15/breakin-the-rules-alx-interviews-tierney-sadler


Today's Draw: Eight of Swords from the Victorian Romantic in the What to Avoid position from the Deck of 1000 Spreads. Where do feel stuck in your life? What are you hoping will happen to make you unstuck? Do you have a plan?

In all its many artistic interpretations, the Eight of Swords usually depicts someone "trapped" in a situation they can easily get out of. Look at the picture. Are those ropes holding her wrists together really that inescapable? Is she being poorly taken care of? Does she look like the victim of anything?

At first glance, the picture seems to portray a woman held against her will, but the more you study the details, the more comical her situation appears. Now what if I told you it's likely the same picture is present somewhere in your life?

I'm stuck in this job. 
I can't leave my husband. 
I don't have the time. 
That is too difficult for me. 
Quitting smoking is too hard. 
I can't meditate. 
I can't move forward.

Those are just a few of the things we tell ourselves to remain trapped in a less-than-satisfying life. They're all excuses. And people hate this word, but they're all the statements of a victim. Reality is....

I choose to stay in this job until the economy improves. 
I'm afraid of all the uncertainties involved with leaving my husband. 
I don't want to give anything up in order to make the time. 
I'm not willing to put in the effort to learn something new. 
I choose to continue to yield to my nicotine addiction. 
I tried meditating once and it didn't work, so I won't try again. 
I choose to remain tied to the past. 

The first set of statements identify you as powerless over your life or situation. They make you a victim. The second set of statements acknowledge your power, as well as your choice to continue the unfulfilling behavior. And until you acknowledge that it's a choice, nothing will ever change for you. 

There won't be any knights riding in on white horses. There is no secret force out there looking to save you from anything. The fairy tales we read as children are charming but they've also screwed us up. We believe in Cinderella and Prince Charming and happily ever after. And all throughout our lives, movies and books and other influences reinforce these things as truth. 

So when they don't happen to us, we wonder why....another victimized way of thinking. We choose to believe it because we want to believe it. So we look around us and think we see it in pictures or over the fence, but again, we're victimizing ourselves. It doesn't exist. Life doesn't happen to you. A fairy godmother doesn't come along and sprinkle you with dust and suddenly everything's ok. 

There are good people out there who will help you if you ask them, but the only hero—the only savior—you're going to come across in life is yourself. And the best way to start is to re-language the things in your life that seem insurmountable. The more you "save yourself", the more you see how magical and powerful you truly are. Claim your power to create positive change in your life and do it soon. Because the one thing worse than doing the hard work of creating change is continuing to live a powerless life subject to the whims of outside forces. 

1/15/13—Focusing on What's Present

Today's Draw: Four of Cups from the Victorian Romantic. Does it feel like something's missing in your life? Is it something you can't quite pin down? What if the key to that feeling was found not in what's missing, but what's present in your life?

We had this exact card just a few months ago. At that time, I challenged you to ask yourself some pretty tough questions about your life. If you're curious, the post was posted on 10/17/12, but dated 10/18. I won't repeat any of that here, as I have another take on the card. 

To begin with, this card from this deck is one of my favorite cards. The gentleman is surrounded by lovely ladies, he's at a party, yet something is missing. Sometimes this is a card indicating boredom, but more often than not it's about dissatisfaction. 

I'm sure all of us feel like "something's missing" at some time or another. We might even feel that way frequently. It can indicate a whole bunch of things covered in the post from last October. But one thing I think it also covers is our connection to spirit...or our connection to whatever we were before we came here. 

It's hard to be a human. We come here and we're disconnected from that part of us that is divine. Some believe that, as a race, we once knew, but forgot. But it's like there's something hardwired in us that knows we're so much greater than our everyday lives suggest...and we just can't seem to grasp it long enough to make it last. We see glimpses of it through "coincidence" and "miracles" and "spiritual epiphanies". But those are passing moments and we're left, once again, with our humanness. 

I was talking just today with someone about being human. I debate sometimes about whether we're here to just be human and have this experience with no pressure placed on it. Or whether we're here to raise ourselves up as humans so that one day the whole race may fuse with our collective divinity. Or some such notion. So maybe we're here to be schlumps. Or maybe we're here to find our divinity. Or maybe we're just here. 

Anyway, today when I saw this card, I thought the man had lost connection to his own divinity...and to the larger God around him. And the advice I had for him is this—gratitude. Look at all the abundance around him. But he can't be happy within it. Because he's not grateful for it. He's not grateful for his health, his good looks, his friends, his opportunities. If he were, it would be hard to stand in the midst of all of that missing something. He's focusing on what he doesn't have instead of what he does. 

We're all allowed moments of that. If we're in mourning over some loss, it's completely understandable. But there are times we feel this way when we have no good excuse. And the answer is gratitude. Our higher, divine selves understand the power of gratitude, but it's something we often forget as humans. So the next time you feel like something's missing in your life, consider that the only thing that's missing is your gratitude for all you do have. 

10/13/12-10/14/12—Remembering Wisdom

Weekend Reading: The Hierophant from the Victorian Romantic Tarot. As yesterday's Daily Draw suggested, you have far more wise answers on the tip of your tongue than you're aware of. And this weekend you'll get a chance to share them. The Hierophant is the keeper of traditional knowledge, so the best advice may end up being advice that was passed down from your parents. And if you're the one in need of advice, then maybe think about what grandma or grandpa would tell you. After all, not much has changed in the landscape of human drama throughout the centuries. You may be able to get out of relationships faster, but it's really the same stuff as always. Chances are most problems were solved eons ago. You'd think we'd learn. ;)

9/17/12—Honoring Our Partnerships

Today's Draw Classic*: Two of Cups from the Victorian Romantic Tarot. Is there any relationship more complex, annoying, supportive, surprising, loving, inescapable, comfortable and enduring than the one you share with your sibling?

NOTE: I wrote this entry exactly five months ago, the last night I saw my brother alive. He passed four days later in his home. He would have been 54 today. Happy birthday, John Sadler. You are missed. 

The Two of Cups is usually about romantic partnership—love, union and connection. It doesn't always indicate romance, though. It can be any kind of partnership, both the kind you enter into into willingly and enthusiastically and the kind that are just byproducts of life. 

Forty-nine years ago, I entered into a partnership with five people. It wasn't a partnership of my choosing. At least not consciously. Sometimes it's been like an albatross around my neck. Sometimes it's been a privilege. Most of the time it vacillates between the two. Those people are my brothers and sisters and tonight might have been the last time I saw one of them in their earthly form. 

My brother John is the jock in the family. He played baseball, football and basketball throughout high school. He's six foot three inches of someone you don't want to mess with. And as tough as he's always been in his visage and demeanor, underneath he's always been a very vulnerable and sensitive soul. It wasn't always easy to see or access, but it was there.

Growing up I thought he'd have a hard time finding anyone who would be able to put up with him. But what ended up happening is that he married his perfect match. He has four kids who, quite rightly, worship him. And the machismo that I once thought might be his undoing, faded away into a man who wasn't afraid to let you see his weakness. And that weakness was his family. It was also his strength. 

One of the things that really made me look at my brother differently...to see him as something other than the annoying jock who walked around like he owned the place...was many years back when he lost his professional job in software sales. He wasn't able to find another job readily and I doubted his ego could withstanding having a wife as the breadwinner. But you know what he did? He became the house dad and he thrived in the role of nurturer and "homemaker". And when he found another job, he found one that allowed him to continue being there for his kids. He gave to his children what his own father wasn't capable of giving...presence. Attention. Nurturing. 

Last November he came down with a really bad "chest cold" that he just couldn't seem to shake. It got worse and worse until he ended up in the hospital nearly drowning in his own fluids. Turns out he had lung cancer. He's done all the things you do...chemo, radiation, etc. But he has a very aggressive and incurable type of lung cancer. There's no telling how much time he has left. But the way he looked tonight in the intensive care unit at the hospital, it didn't look like it was going to be long. In fact, in the pain and presence of mind he was in, I pray it isn't long.

We enter into these partnerships with our siblings and the agreement is that we'll always love each other, even if we hate each other. We'll always be bound by blood and parentage and a string of memories we will never share with anyone else—memories from a time when we were too full of life to ever think of death. We're never ready for the day when those partnerships begin dissolving...or transforming into something less tangible. 

My siblings and I lost our parents young. My mother died when I was 21 and my father when I was 25. We're no strangers to loss. But you grow up knowing your parents will die someday. For some reason, you never think your siblings will die someday, too. One of us has to watch this happen five times. Is that a blessing or a curse?  

My brother John is 53. He has four children, including a young man he'll never get to see play high school football the way his father watched him play. I'm not sure what breaks my heart the most, but I'm pretty sure it's that. I do know he'll be there. The smell of cigarette smoke...or farts...will waft up suddenly in the stands for no apparent reason. And that will be how we'll know he's there. 

We make these partnerships for a lifetime. But they really never end, do they? They go on beyond anything we imagine. My belief tells me this is true, but the human part of me is heartbroken tonight over the inevitability of what's to come, whether it's days or weeks from now. What a blessing, though, that nothing has gone unspoken, and that no part of the partnership has been left unfulfilled.

Please hold my brother, his wife and their four children in your prayers over the coming days and weeks in hopes they may find peace and strength in their transition. Thank you.

* From an entry dated 4/17/12

9/14/12—Choosing the Consequence

Today's Draw: Two of Swords from the Victorian Romantic Tarot. Do you tend to hold emotions and frustrations inside until you ultimately burst? Or do you find that you dispense your emotions as they come? What is your emotional style?

So it's the final day of the One Card Challenge. Today's interpretation comes from something I saw in the card as I looked at it again this morning. 

She's got stormy skies, rough water and dangerous rocks behind her. So we can interpret that as meaning that the worst is behind her. But we could also see it the opposite way. To me, she looks like she's about to fall backward, like in one of trust tests they do at corporate retreats...you know, where you fall back into the waiting arms of others? 

I have a love/hate relationship with my emotions. Sometimes it feels good to just feel and let your emotions out. Other times, it can be scary. Emotions can be a gateway to depression and wallowing for me. Ain't pretty, but it's true. 

To me, this card seems to be saying "I've tried everything to release this pain short of letting it wash over me. So I'm just going to fall into it and trust I won't drown." That's what all the experts say to do, right? Feel what you feel. Let it all out. Feel it until you heal it.

I used to be really good at crying and "feeling it". But somewhere along the line, all of that went away. I don't know if it's age or negative reinforcement or numbness or what. I can't do it anymore. Which isn't to say I don't still cry from time to time. But now I cry when the rain barrel is full and can't hold any more emotion. Or when really bad stuff happens, like when my brother was dying. 

Honestly, I spent so many years being either content and "normal" or down and depressed (I've never been manic, which is evident by how little ever gets done around this house) that I don't even know what's healthy or "normal" anymore. Is it healthy to just let emotions wash over you? Or is it healthy to just take them by the jugful when you've got the capacity? With my history of depression, falling back into the waters frightens me. 

The good news is that somewhere between making better choices, building self esteem, meditating, gaining a spiritual purpose and starting on prescribed pharmaceuticals, I feel pretty even most of the time these days. A couple of years ago menopausal mood swings made antidepressants wise, if not necessary, for me. But all those years of resisting them makes my knee-jerk reactions err on the side of not swimming in the deep end if I can help it. 

Pretty much every entry I write comes with an answer. But this one does not. Will this woman have the courage to fall backward? And if she does fall in back in trust, will she get taken by a rip tide? Or will she wash gently back up on shore, weary from the waves, but nonetheless cleansed? I really don't know. 

That's part of the dilemma of the Two of Swords. A choice has to be made and every choice we make in life comes with some sort of gift and some sort of consequence. We usually choose based on the gifts. But we do have to be cognizant that we're also choosing a consequence. 

Perhaps that's what she's really falling back into in this card...a choice. And she just has to trust that whatever consequence she's choosing is one she can live with. 

9/13/12—Finding Truth in the Gray Areas

Today's Draw: Two of Swords from the Victorian Romantic. Do you believe one presidential candidate is whacked out and the other is reasonable? Do you find yourself using the word "evil" to describe people in your life? What can BJ and Fifty Shades of Gray tell you about how to be in this world?

Day Four of the One Card Challenge and I'm rarin' to go! Since part of my intent for this week was to teach a little about different ways you can read cards, I'm going to do some teachy teachy stuff today, too. 

One of the ways I teach card meanings is to teach all the twos at once, for example. It actually works. There are common lines you can draw and keywords you can reference through each number of the minor arcana which can make remembering card meanings a little easier. And each number 1-10 of the minor arcana (the "pips" as we call them in tarot) corresponds to two, sometimes three major arcana cards. These cards also embody the same basic keywords. 

The majors that correspond to the number 2 are the High Priestess (major arcana 2), Justice (major arcana 11) and Judgment (major arcana 20). The reason these are all twos is because if you reduce their numerical assignations to a single digit, you get two. For example, Justice is card 11 and 1+1=2. 

So yesterday we talked about balance and choice being keywords for the twos. That is clearly seen in the Justice card with the scales of justice and fair reasoning. And it can be seen in Judgment, because the angel is calling your soul to judgment so a choice can be made based on your past experiences. Those are simplistic definitions of those cards, but they work. 

But now to the mother of all twos, the High Priestess. For me, she demonstrates another aspect of the twos...dualism. She is positioned between the dark and light pillars of Solomon's temple, Boaz and Jachin (bet you thought the BJ stood for something else, huh?). All this points to balance. And the High Priestess is the embodiment of the intuitive powers we discussed in yesterday's card. But, to me it also says she stands in that place between black and white. Which is the meaning I want to address in today's entry. 

In both of the Two of Swords cards you've seen, the woman's head is centered between two equal and opposing things...the hands on the Victorian Romantic version and the Swords on the Rider Waite Smith. Somewhere in that intersection between the two extremes is where truth lies. All three of the major arcana cards I've discussed today are focused around truth in different ways...the practical facts of Justice, the spiritual truths of judgement and the intuitive truths of the High Priestess. What all these cards are telling us is that truth lies within shades of gray (cue the jokes about 50 Shades of Gray). 

You see it all the time. Someone is surly and antisocial. So they're a monster, a psychopath, evil incarnate. Or a restaurant has really good pasta, so you've got to go there, everything on the menu is fabulous! We tend to place judgments on people, situations and things based on black and white views of the world. The truth is rarely black or white. The surly person might give of themselves in other ways. And the restaurant might have a really bad cheesesteak. I would like to say "nothing is all good or all bad", but even that statement is an absolute! 

Though I sometimes find myself placing people at things at extremes, it's a bit of a pet peeve of mine. I really don't like the way we demonize some people and deify others. We not only do them a disservice, but we do ourselves one, too. Because we never see the truth. More importantly, though, we put greater distance between ourselves and our god.

A couple of days ago the US commemorated the day when "the evil doers came and attacked our innocent country." That is how many Americans feel. But the thing is, every interaction and every drama we have with someone else reflects something back on us. And when we demonize our opposition and deify ourselves, we hold that reflection away from us, as though it has nothing to do with us. 

Denied in all the violence of that day was a message about the way we're seen in the world. Certainly it was an extreme message and an extreme expression. And I, in no way, excuse what they did or accuse the victims. This isn't about that. It's about how, when we demonize others, we miss the reflection. We say, "that is not me, I am good, they are bad, I am reasonable, they're fanatics." 

The truth is America's not all good. Some of the things the terrorists had to say about our ego focused, money driven society were true. A few blocks away and a few years later, another unfriendly plot was being hatched against our citizens by Wall Street. We may have been taken by surprise by the crash of our economy, but do you think the jihadists were? Of course not. They've been trying to tell us who we are for years. But we didn't listen. Because they're crazy evil doers and we're doers of good. Just ask all the families we've given mosquito nets to in third world countries.

When we say, "all those criticisms are outside of me, they have nothing to do with me, I have no control over their opinions"—when we refuse to listen and see what's being reflected back—we keep the door open for more aggression to happen. When we demonize our detractors, we, in that one simple act, absolve ourselves of responsibility in the dynamic. If god is everywhere and everything, we can't disconnect from others by placing them separate from us. They're not. We are all part of, and a product of, god. We are all of the same stuff, just in slightly different shades of gray with no pure black or white among us.

I don't mean this to be about 9/11 or good and evil, but more to illustrate what we do when we ignore shades of gray. Those men who flew into the towers had families that they loved. They were doing this as part of a holy war in their minds. They were doing this out of devotion to their beliefs.We can debate all day about how screwed up that is, just as we can debate how screwed up America was to enslave men and women based on our beliefs. The fact remains, they were not all bad. And we're not all good. Black and white are only reference points to enable all the gray in between. 

So, in all my story above, we see how the Two of Swords can indicate a mind split into dualistic thinking and show us that our head should rest somewhere in the area between. We can see how the truth lies between those extremes and the role intuition and divine fairness play throughout the twos. And we can also see how black and white thinking is another way of holding others and our god at arm's length. If we're going to evolve and if we're ever going to change the way this crappy world operates, we need to ditch the dualistic thinking that holds our growth at bay and begin to understand ourselves and others in a more divinely intimate way. 

9/12/12—Seeing Within

Today's Draw: Two of Swords from the Victorian Romantic Tarot. Are you on the fence about a decision? Is your indecision driving you batty all throughout the noggin? Is it possible that there's something in the big picture you're failing to see?

For today's look at the Two of Swords, I'm going to use the traditional meaning for the card. Or perhaps I should say one of the traditional meanings for the card. Which means I'm also going to include the traditional image so you can see what I'm talking about. 

Quite different from the one we've looked at the last couple of days, huh? She's blindfolded. And while you would think that would make her more vulnerable, she doesn't seem nearly as vulnerable as she does in the Victorian Romantic's version. For one thing, she's sitting, so she's quite stable. For another, the turbulent skies behind her are gone. And, let's get down to brass tacks. The real reason she looks less vulnerable is because that chick is totally armed to the hilt with those ten-foot-long mammajammas she's holding! :D

Twos in tarot are all about balance and choice. So whatever suit you're in, the twos bring a second thing into the picture that brings balance and a choice. In the cups, it's about meeting your "other half" and choosing love. In pentacles, it's about choosing to balance resources. In wands, it's weighing your options so you can make a balanced decision. And in the swords, it signals two thoughts or ideas, each of which have equal, and sometimes opposing, appeal. 

This is our REAL image of the week.

Somewhere inside you, there's a tie that needs to be broken...a split decision that needs to be resolved. Some consider the blindfold to indicate something you're not seeing. Some consider it an aid in objectivity. Either way, my thought about this version of the card is that all your focus and energy is going into the debate in your head. But there is another factor plastered all over the card that you may be missing—your intuition, represented by both the moon and water. Perhaps that's why she wears the blindfold. To see within. 

Swords is one of the most difficult suits of the tarot because it deals with all that noise inside our heads. Sometimes we get so caught up in strategy and thought and fairness and weighing things that we forget to consult our inner muse. Where does your intuition want you to go? Where are the tides you pulling you personally? Forget about what you *think*. What do you KNOW?

The Two of Swords comes along to reassure us that we have what we need to make the right decision. We just need to make it. But it also tells us that, try as we might to make a decision where everyone wins, swords cut both ways. So if you're holding out for a decision without consequences, you'll be suffering at the edge of life's vast saltwater pond for quite some time. Capice?

9/11/12—Assessing Our Boundaries

Today's Draw: Two of Swords from the Victorian Romantic Tarot. Do you know someone who puts up so many boundaries you just can't connect with them on a deeper level? Is it possible you have a boundary or two that really doesn't serve you? Or, conversely, is it possible your boundaries aren't strong enough?

It's day two of One Card Challenge week and I'm going to go with my favorite meaning of this particular Two of Swords, holding back the world. That's the meaning that comes with the guidebook to this deck, yet it's still not the traditional meaning of the card. To me "holding back the world" connotes two things, both having to do with boundaries. One is a sort of "stop the world, I want to get off" kind of thing where you just can't take any more stimuli and you have to shut doors for a short time. The other is a permanent wall you erect to draw boundaries of protection. 

The good side of boundaries is that they show lines that others can't cross. These are the lines that keep users, abusers, haters, energy vampires and other na'er-do-wells at bay. Being lax on your boundaries with people that don't match your vibe just invites them in. Every time you say "don't do xyz" and then proceed to allow the other party to do xyz without consequence, you not only lose respect and your integrity, buy you also push your boundaries out further and further, enabling more and more "abuse". So when it comes to deal breakers in relationships, it's good to have strong boundaries and follow through on them.

The downside of boundaries is that you can have ones so firm that they push everyone away. I used to have a friend who never turned on her phone and was only available by email during work hours. If you had an issue and needed to talk, it would only happen after she retrieved her phone messages, and then when she felt like returning the call. Essentially you had to make an appointment at least 24 hours in advance to access her friendship. This was not the person to call if you were ever in jail, bleeding or in need of shoulder to cry on. She was only available for good times, and on her terms. 

So people can draw boundaries so tight that their interactions with others can't make it past the superficial. But not all unhealthy boundaries are so obvious. We often disguise them. For example, there's the person who gets sexually intimate early in a relationship because it keeps the risk of emotional intimacy at bay. Or the person who over-shares so you'd never suspect their REAL issue. What looks like loose boundaries might actually be there to hold you back from discovering the real secrets. 

Usually the last thing we consider when we have unsatisfactory relationships is that we might actually be part of the problem. The last thing we ask is how our own boundaries might be contributing to the repeating cycles in our lives. Sometimes we catch a glimpse of those boundaries and decide they're ok. After all, we're all allowed to draw lines in the sand. But when we're not happy with the quality of our relationships, we owe it to ourselves to ask "where might my boundaries—or laxity with my boundaries—be to blame?"

There are many ways that we try to "hold back the world". The Two of Swords acknowledges that there are circumstances under which we need to temporarily erect physical, spiritual, social or psychological defenses. But when those defenses become part of our day to day routine, it's time to assess whether they're doing more harm than good.  

9/10/12—Surrendering to Something Higher

Today's Draw: Two of Swords from the Victorian Romantic tarot. Is there a struggle in your life you're willing to give up in order to reach a higher state of being? Is there a way in which you've placed conditions on your own self love? What are you willing to do to put these issues behind you?

First, I'd like to invite any of you on Facebook to please "like" my new author page, K. Tierney Sadler, Author. This is where I'll be posting updates about my books, including The Deck of 1000 Spreads due out in Spring 2013 from Llewellyn and now available for pre-order. My apologies to those of you who are among my Facebook friends, because you've now heard this a few times. :)

OK. On to the business at hand. This week is One Card Challenge week at the Daily Draw. And by that I mean I'm going to choose one card and do the entire week on that one card, posting a different message every day. I'm doing this for a few reasons. One is to show my students (and anyone else) how this can be done. Another is to challenge myself, because I'm not sure I can do it. And a third reason is because I often do a couple of days with a single card and I thought it would be interesting to see what I might get revisiting a card for an entire week. 

So the deck I've chosen this week is the Victorian Romantic. I chose this deck because it's one of my three main reading decks. That doesn't make this task easier, imo. It makes it harder, because I already have automatic ways I read the cards in this deck. 

I always say to my students, "Forget about the card's meaning. What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you turn the card over?" With this Two of Swords, on this particular day, my response is "devotion". Devotion in the sense that the woman seems transfixed, blind to what is going on around her and intoxicated by whatever is happening before her. This is not the traditional meaning of this card, nor what the author intended. I will be addressing those aspects later in the week. "Devotion" is just my first impression of the card upon seeing it. 

Devotion to something is surrendering to it. There is no resistance. Nothing to question. No conditions. Surrender is the same as the unconditional love I spoke of last week. In this particular card, I see surrender to either a higher power or surrender to some aspect of life. In those cases, surrender brings the added gift of freedom from a lot of emotional pain. 

So, lets go back to the fictional example of the mother of the Colorado shooter (seeing as how I have no knowledge of his real mother). But assuming she has total unconditional love for this child, she is likely not in pain because he hurt HER by killing people. She forgave him for everything he may ever do when he was still in her womb. That's how unconditional love works. You love without condition. You forgive without condition. Which is not to say she's not in pain, but her pain is likely for how he has hurt himself, how he has hurt others in the family and how he has hurt all the people touched by the tragedy. 

What she is not suffering over is this—Can I ever forgive him? How can I continue to love a son like that? Of course my example is that of an imagined ideal, but really consider where much of your pain would be as a mother were there even a question about conditions. It would be in "can I turn away from him when he needs me because what he has done is so horrific?" When you've surrendered, the answer is no. It's not even a question. And if you can forgive the big stuff, you're wasting energy bothering over the small stuff. So you gotta forgive that, too. The same is true when you're devoted to God, yourself, a pet...anyone. 

So as not to sound like a re-hash of last Friday's post about the healing power of unconditional love, I do specifically want to make the point about God and yourself in today's entry. If you feel resentment toward God for something, your love is not unconditional. If you blame him for your pain, your love is not unconditional. And you do need to take responsibility if you ever thought it was. Because if it was, your love and confidence in him would have never come into question. 

Next, the point about YOU.  Ask yourself if and why you've ever turned away from yourself. Are you engaged in an addiction or dangerous or self-destructive behavior? That's turning away from yourself. Are you beating yourself up for your infractions? Are you mistreating yourself? I'm among those who will admit to not being devoted to myself, not surrendering to myself and not loving myself unconditionally. And I have no good reason to give as to why. 

I have no good reason why I allow myself to suffer over myself, except that I must feel a need to suffer for some imagined infraction. Because frankly, I've never done anything worthy of treating myself the way I treat myself, nor would I allow anyone else in my life to cause me the pain I've caused myself. It has long been time to love myself for who I am, starting with the way I am now. 

So if you find yourself in a cycle of pain with yourself, with God or with another, it's because you haven't *decided* to love them unconditionally. Because if you had made that decision, no condition could have come along to change your mind. You don't have to love everyone unconditionally. But if you have a child, pet, god or self that you continue cycling in pain around, you may want to make that decision. It doesn't come automatically just through your relation to that person. It's a decision you have to make and never go back on. A decision to forgive and love, no matter what. A decision to put that love above the ego...above the need to be right. A decision to surrender to what is and what may come. Then acting in integrity to that. It's a verb that never stops verbing in your life. 

Easy? No. But it gets easier once you get past the struggle to surrender...once you start making choices in alignment with love. The woman in this card can be seen putting the emotions (water), mental struggles (clouds), worldly concerns (earth/rock) and impulse (lightning) behind her, and surrendering her focus to a higher state of being. So what struggle are you willing to give up in your life for that higher state of being? And what choices are you willing to make to get yourself there?

5/22/12—Removing Your Armor

Today's Draw Classic*: Knight of Cups from the Victorian Romantic. What kind of armor do you wear as you walk through this world? What might you miss out on because of this? And what are you afraid might happen if you were fully exposed to those around around you?

The Knight of Cups is the ultimate romantic. A dreamy sort of fellow who often lives in a world of his own. This particular knight represents Parsifal, one of the Grail Knights of Arthurian Legend. All these nekkid sirens surround him, trying to distract him from his quest. But he sees nothing but the vision of the grail.

One thing I've always found interesting about this depiction is how shiny his armor is. It reflects everything around him, yet doesn't give us a clue as to what's underneath it all. We've all known people like him, right? Always doing and saying what they're supposed to. Always reflecting back to the world what the world wants to see..or what they want the world to see. But inside, it seems, nobody's home. Or, if someone is home, they've been playing a role for so long they don't even know where the facade ends and the real person inside begins anymore. 

Another thing that stands out is how all encompassing the armor is. Maybe you have someone in your life that only lets you in so much. Or erects so many boundaries that others can't in. Or sets up their lives to keep others at arm's distance at all times, only peeking out on their agenda or when things feel safe. In armor like this, little flows out and little flows in.

The armor the knight in the card wears is quite constricting. It puts a cold, hard layer between him and the rest of the world. He's so caught up in his own world and his own mission that he doesn't even see all the nekkid babes around him.

Armor isn't just something "they" wear, it's something we all don at times. And the more of it we wear, the less we allow ourselves to connect, feel and offer to others. Armor is made of many different materials. An alcoholic holds people at arm's length with their substance abuse. People use technology and its conveniences to avoid dealing with others face to face. A friend who always invites you out to see a movie could be using a setting where discussion is discouraged to keep you at arm's length, as well as to limit their time with you. Being "too busy" all the time protects you from ever stopping and connecting with another. A friend who is a great listener, may actually listen so they never have to share.

Armor manifests itself in many ways and, from time to time, we all wear more or less of it to protect our time, emotions or energy. The problem comes when people get so comfortable in that land of theirs that they can't even see how much their ability to feel, empathize and relate to others has atrophied.

The interesting thing I've learned about armor from my own use of it, is that no matter how much of it you wear or what it's made of, there is nothing on earth that will protect you from pain and heartache. In fact, it's surprising just how much pain the armor itself can cause not just to yourself, but to the people in your lives. Sometimes the armor causes the exact thing you're protecting yourself from.

What kind of armor might you be wearing? Is the armor working or causing problems of its own? What is it keeping you from in your life?

*This entry was adapted from one written last year.

4/17/12—Honoring Our Partnerships

Today's Draw: Two of Cups from the Victorian Romantic Tarot. Is there any relationship more complex, annoying, supportive, surprising, loving, inescapable, comfortable and enduring than the one you share with your sibling?

The Two of Cups is usually about romantic partnership—love, union and connection. It doesn't always indicate romance, though. It can be any kind of partnership, both the kind you enter into into willingly and enthusiastically and the kind that are just byproducts of life. 

Forty-nine years ago, I entered into a partnership with five people. It wasn't a partnership of my choosing. At least not consciously. Sometimes it's been like an albatross around my neck. Sometimes it's been a privilege. Most of the time it vacillates between the two. Those people are my brothers and sisters and tonight might have been the last time I saw one of them in their earthly form. 

My brother John is the jock in the family. He played baseball, football and basketball throughout high school. He's six foot three inches of someone you don't want to mess with. And as tough as he's always been in his visage and demeanor, underneath he's always been a very vulnerable and sensitive soul. It wasn't always easy to see or access, but it was there.

Growing up I thought he'd have a hard time finding anyone who would be able to put up with him. But what ended up happening is that he married his perfect match. He has four kids who, quite rightly, worship him. And the machismo that I once thought might be his undoing, faded away into a man who wasn't afraid to let you see his weakness. And that weakness was his family. It was also his strength. 

One of the things that really made me look at my brother differently...to see him as something other than the annoying jock who walked around like he owned the place...was many years back when he lost his professional job in software sales. He wasn't able to find another job readily and I doubted his ego could withstanding having a wife as the breadwinner. But you know what he did? He became the house dad and he thrived in the role of nurturer and "homemaker". And when found another job, he found one that allowed him to continue being there for his kids. He gave to his children what his own father wasn't capable of giving...presence. Attention. Nurturing. 

Last November he came down with a really bad "chest cold" that he just couldn't seem to shake. It got worse and worse until he ended up in the hospital nearly drowning in his own fluids. Turns out he had lung cancer. He's done all the things you do...chemo, radiation, etc. But he has a very aggressive and incurable type of lung cancer. There's no telling how much time he has left. But the way he looked tonight in the intensive care unit at the hospital, it didn't look like it was going to be long. In fact, in the pain and presence of mind he was in, I pray it isn't long.

We enter into these partnerships with our siblings and the agreement is that we'll always love each other, even if we hate each other. We'll always be bound by blood and parentage and a string of memories we will never share with anyone else—memories from a time when we were too full of life to ever think of death. We're never ready for the day when those partnerships begin dissolving...or transforming into something less tangible. 

My siblings and I lost our parents young. My mother died when I was 21 and my father when I was 25. We're no strangers to loss. But you grow up knowing your parents will die someday. For some reason, you never think your siblings will die someday, too. One of us has to watch this happen five times. Is that a blessing or a curse?  

My brother John is 53. He has four children, including a young man he'll never get to see play high school football the way his father watched him play. I'm not sure what breaks my heart the most, but I'm pretty sure it's that. I do know he'll be there. The smell of cigarette smoke...or farts...will waft up suddenly in the stands for no apparent reason. And that will be how we'll know he's there. 

We make these partnerships for a lifetime. But they really never end, do they? They go on beyond anything we imagine. My belief tells me this is true, but the human part of me is heartbroken tonight over the inevitability of what's to come, whether it's days or weeks from now. What a blessing, though, that nothing has gone unspoken, and that no part of the partnership has been left unfulfilled.

Please hold my brother, his wife and their four children in your prayers over the coming days and weeks in hopes they may find peace and strength in their transition. Thank you.

4/10/12—Getting Intimate With Ourselves and Others

Today's Draw: The Magician from the Victorian Romantic tarot. How often do you talk about your most private and personal thoughts? Who do you feel comfortable discussing embarrassing biological crap with? Are you ready to get intimate right here, right now?

The traditional Magician in the tarot shows a young, powerful man with shiny tools representing all four elements. He has his "as above, so below" stance and a lemniscate (infinity sign) over his head, representing his infinite powers, connection to the heavens, unending energy resources and his ability to get things done. 

Fast forward 50 years and you've got the Victorian Romantic Magician. His tools of the four elements have become innate. He has mysterious supplies. He consults a book with a lifetime full of knowledge he's amassed. And he no longer has to call the heavens to earth, because the glow of spirit energy shines all around him. You get the sense that the magic the other Magician needed a whole case full of tools to perform, can be completed by this guy with just a thought. 

We don't talk too openly about the benefits and drawbacks of aging. Men don't get together and discuss erectile dysfunction, sleep disorders and difficulty with urination. Women don't talk openly about their menopause symptoms, bladder control issues or hair cropping up in unattractive places. We can iron out wrinkles and appear as youthful as ever, but that's only cosmetic. It does nothing for the uncomfortable, depressing, aching, misfiring and slowing down of the machine we've been operating throughout our lives.

Remember when you were a kid and nose pickers were shameful losers? Then, when you were sure no one was watching, you'd dig in and pull out a big ol' booger of your own? We face the same thing when we get older. 

We laugh at Depends when we're with our friends, then find ourselves doing the walk of shame to register to try them out. Or we mock erectile dysfunction commercials as though they have nothing to do with us when, in fact, arranging a "date night" requires precise planning and could still result in embarrassment, whether the evening works out well or not. Our bodies and our minds are no longer in adequate control and, worse, we can't talk about it because of the same shame that came from the surreptitious booger picking of our youth. 

I think about stuff like this all the time and it's part of why I try to be a little more candid than is comfortable for me in some of these posts. Because these things we hold secret, whether in shame or embarrassment, add to the weight and depression and toxicity of life and getting older. I think we do ourselves a disservice with some of our "there are things we just don't talk about in public" attitude. It makes dealing with the indelicacies of being a human even harder. And we end up feeling alone in our issues when, in fact, people around us are all experiencing the same thing.

This wasn't where I was originally going to go with this post...haha. I was going to talk about the power and wisdom of getting older. About how we don't need all the trappings of youth and how freeing and efficient that can be. When you look at the two Magicians (which you can see at http://thedailytarotdraw.blogspot.com/ if you're on Facebook) the young guy begins to look like a total poser compared to the older guy, who is so authentic and comfortable in his power.

Consider all the issues that fester and languish inside of us because of our discomfort of talking about anything that's not politically correct. Honest dialogues about race, sexuality, needs in relationships, innermost fears—the list goes on and on—rarely ever happen. And so each of us is left to feel alone, marginalized, unaccepted, misunderstood, etc. in this world. 

How much time in any given week do spend talking about things that really matter to you? Things that heal you and make you feel more normal? Things that bring you closer to those around you? The word "intimacy" has come to connote sexual matters when it's really about sharing our most private and personal selves. In fact, many times sex is actually used to keep real intimacy at bay. Intimacy is one of the biggest fears mankind holds, and yet it's also the magical elixir that can set us free.

In my older years (haha, I'm only 49) I find that kind of intimacy harder to come by and, honestly, I long for it in my life. I don't have a life partner to explore these things with and I hate to say it, but most of my friends are more guarded than I. I think the search for intimacy is at least as powerful an instinct in humans as our need to protect that which makes us most vulnerable. But the scales are far more weighted in the direction of protection and our ultimate self imprisonment.

When I look at how tired the Magician is in his older years, I think it's because the weight he's had to bear all alone—the weight of a solitary life, of his role as a healer and manifester and of not having some dude to drink absinthe with and discuss the things that really matter. With all the wisdom he's amassed and the amazing things he's been able to manifest in his life, why he can't just manifest someone simpatico to share it with? Of course, I wonder the same thing about myself. It's not a role you can just volunteer for in someone's life. And it's not even something you can marry into. It's an alchemy of its own, something that grows organically and rises from mutual respect and trust. 

As I think of it, I realize it's something I share with you from time to time...the people who read and reveal that they share the same struggles as me, or who reveal other hopes and fears they have. I have no idea how many or who reads these posts on a daily basis, but it is a blessed miracle that I have never felt unsafe or been given reason to think people don't take these topics seriously. Working alone and living alone, sometimes you guys are the only ones I *really* talk to in a day, and some of you have said these posts help you build your own intimate relationship with yourselves. Thank you for that...and for this place safe... and for having the courage to put yourself out there when you do. :)

2/17/12-2/19/12—Celebrating Your Abundance

Weekend Reading: Ten of Pentacles from the Victorian Romantic Tarot. The Ten of Pentacles is all about abundance. And if the 1% can teach us anything, it's that abundance breeds abundance. So this weekend, focus on what you have. Better yet, give gratitude for what you have. And while you're at it, give gratitude for what you want as if you already have it! The couple may not have bought anything from the produce vendor, but he knows someone will want apples today. And if someone doesn't want apples, he's got beets and cauliflower and cabbage—all the staples of life. So he's happy as a clam knowing that opportunity is just another passerby away. Chances are, you've got all the staples of life, too. Celebrate that and the opportunity that's on its way. And otherwise rest easy this weekend knowing the universe provides!

2/14/12—Leaving Beauty in Your Wake

Today's Draw: The Three of Wands from the Victorian Romantic. What are your gifts? How do you use those gifts to bring beauty into your everyday life? And if you don't see your daily obligations as a opportunity to bring beauty to the world, wouldn't today be a good day to start?

I always get a good feeling from this particular card. I get a sense of daydreaming, confidence and planning for a new journey. And I like the added touch of the lyre in his hand, because he's creative, visionary and out of the box. Plus, he's got a really nice arse. 

I also never miss sight of the swans gliding along the glassy river, their images reflecting back at them. Our loosely robed musician can't see them yet. But they're about to come into his view and perhaps even color the plans he's creating in his head. What will they spark in him? To move forward with grace? To bring along a partner? To proceed slowly and surely and enjoy the scenery?

Today they're saying to me to move forward with that which reflects beauty to you. For this guy, it's music. For you it may be something different. There are people out there who say they're not creative. But they are. "Creative" just means that you're capable of making something. It doesn't have to "art". But it's actually art within the context of your gifts. It's the beauty you're able to make in this world.

So the question is, what beauty do you make? The beauty a personal assistant may make might be to make life easy for their boss so they can glide effortlessly through their day. A lawyer may make beauty in the way they architect their case. And now and then, I'll turn a phrase in a way that makes a client squeal with delight.

Chances are, no matter what you do, you're pretty good at it. And that, in and of itself, is a beautiful thing. You may not see it that way, but today could be the day to start seeing the beauty you reflect in this world.