5/27/11—Seeing Relationships as Mirrors

Today's Draw: Dancer Prince (Knight of Cups) from Tarot of the Sidhe. Do you keep attracting the same kind of person in your life? Do you wonder why? And would you like to stop it once and for all?

Though not traditionally portrayed so darkly, the poem that comes along with this card tells you all you need to know about this guy:

The brooding hero of the dance,
A poet’s spirit of romance,
He’ll steal the heart that you would keep,
And lead you darkly to the deep…

Most, if not all, women know this guy. He's oh so appealing and oh so damaging. As a creative person myself, I'm usually drawn to the "suffering artist" type. And if they're not artists, I'll settle for just the "suffering" part...haha. I suppose caring for someone like that is the way I suffer for my talents. 

As I sit here considering what I'll write today, I SO don't want to discuss my habitual gravitation toward men like this. It's a beautiful day and I'm outside with my dogs and I would much rather talk about the notion of suffering for your art—something that most who know me will attest I don't do, nor do I think it's necessary. I could talk all about how you construct these realities in your head and they're totally self defeating. That there's no need to suffer emotionally or monetarily as an artist. That there's someone out there making a living doing it, without compromising any artistic integrity. And that person could be you. Blah, blah, blah. 

But my reluctance to discuss "loving" a suffering artist tells me that I should. There is something within us as women that, when we see a man who is down on himself, feels we can make a difference. It's the old thing about wanting to change him. I prefer to say "make a difference" because it makes me feel less cliche and pathetic. But whatever it is, I've got it. And though I try to get rid of it. And though each successive man is better than the last, I still haven't managed to let go of it. And, not so coincidentally, I suppose, these are the kinds of men who are attracted to me, too. 

Not that long ago, one of these gentlemen told me that I shone so brightly...was such a source of light...that he felt he didn't deserve me. While that was a beautiful compliment, I knew that I was just as broken as the next gal. And because I have compassion, I wanted to show him that he's not nearly as bad as he thinks. Indeed, I thought this guy was pretty terrific, outside of the depression...haha. And so this is how the pattern goes. Even after all these years. Even though I have Oprah's words repeating in my brain, "when someone tells you who they are, believe them."

And here's the thing...the awful, terrible truth...we're not the perfect ones in the equation with all the broken men dancing around us. We're just as broken as they are. Because if we weren't, we wouldn't keep meeting them. Think back on your life to a part of you that you've healed....a part of you that you're well done with. For me, it's allowing myself to be controlled by others. Back then, there would be a steady stream of people in my life who were pushy and controlling energy suckers. When I learned how to let go of this part of me, those kinds of people stopped showing up in my life. Their puzzle piece didn't fit mine, so no sense in even trying. 

When we're done with something and healed of it, it's like we enter into a different reality, filled with different people. I don't know any other way to describe it. I remember once being at a thing and some woman said, "this world has become so rude. Nobody holds the door open anymore or says "I'm sorry" when they bump against you." Other people in the room agreed and I looked at them like they were all crazy. Honestly, in my world people hold the door open for me all the time. They smile when they pass me by. They apologize for bumping into me. I literally live in a different reality than this woman. Partly because I believe differently. Partly because I choose to see the times people do this, rather than the times people don't. And partly because I've healed that part of me that would even care. In fact, I think I came into this life with that part healed, because I've never considered society rude, nor do I generally do things that are rude in society in that vein. 

Anyway, back to our tortured artist. I'm willing to admit that I still have an instinct to try to lift men like that up. That's why I keep meeting them. There's always hope that the last one's stew of self-centered pity will cure me. It was a pretty thick stew and I got out fast. But I do need to work on that part of me that doesn't listen when they tell me who they are. And it's not like these guys are saying, "show me I'm a good guy, Tierney". That's just what I'm hearing because that's what I want to hear. I have a view of relationships that two people come together to help heal each other and grow. And while I still believe that, I should probably re-word it as "come together to support each other as each heals themselves and grows." Big difference. People do come to us to mirror back our own issues. I firmly believe that. But only we can heal ourselves. And help can only reach us if we want it. 

The cool thing about these Dancer Prince's is that they're easy to spot and let you know how self loathing they are way early on. So the next time you see one, if you're prone to them like me, keep walking. 

What's your view of all this relationship stuff? What patterns do you keep repeating, whether it's with friends or lovers? And why do you think that is?