9/24/11-9/25/11—Running on Instinct

Weekend Reading: The Ace of Water from the Gaian Tarot. Trust your instincts and intuition to guide you forward this weekend. The salmon's journey is one of pilgrimage and return. Instinct will guide her 100 miles downstream to the ocean. And instinct will guide her return to spawn in the same pool she was born in. She does not fear traversing into the unknown because she trusts she will never lose her compass...she will never lose "home". So if you feel yourself being drawn into unfamiliar territory this weekend, follow your inner guide and allow it to show you something new...if that's what feels right (and legal!). There is no right or wrong way to do it. There is just the flow. Know that you can and will return wiser for the effort, regardless of what you encounter along the way. And enjoy the journey. Trusting in yourself and your higher power while you travel by the seat of your pants often provides a high you just can't get through any other means. Life is an adventure. And this is your weekend to live it!

9/23/11—Biting Off More Than You Can Chew

Today's Draw: Ten of Rods from the Hezicos Tarot. Are you stressed by the load you're carrying? How do you respond to that? What could you delegate or put off for a while?

The Ten of Wands or Rods is about biting off more than you can chew and the stress that comes with it. I'm definitely there right now and sometimes I respond by avoiding what I have to do, thereby putting more stress on myself. 

Anyway, in response to the last question above, I can abbreviate these entries for another week until I get past a critical deadline...haha. And I could also draw some boundaries and keep to them. I said yes to something today that I wish I'd had the balls to put off until next week. But I've not been the best contractor for this client recently and wanted to make up for it by being a yes ma'm. 

Anyway, if these entries seem a little short over the next week, now you know why. Of course if I'm inspired to get as wordy as usual, I will. But not today. :)

9/22/11—Reveling in the Joy of Creation

Today's Draw: Three of Fire from the Gaian Tarot. What creative process brings you complete joy from performing it? How does that compare to processes you merely enjoy? Has something you used to love lost its sparkle? Why do you think that is?

Also known as the Three of Wands, this card is traditionally about planning, overseeing or surveying one's passionate vision. Now that the first steps have been taken, it's time for the universe to do all the heavy lifting while we observe. This is more a card of power and confidence as you watch the snowball rolling than one of action. 

But Joanna Powell Colbert's deck is not a traditional one. Her Three of Wands is about passion, yes. But it's about the 100% immersion, participation and JOY of the creative process. A traditional three is more of a visionary role. This is the passionate creator who digs getting their hands dirty and rolling in the fire of creation. Whether this is about a creative endeavor or sex, this card encourages you to express yourself with confidence and abandon. 

A couple of weeks ago I talked about how I'm frequently more of a concept or idea person, placing execution as a lesser joy in the process. But there are some exceptions. Tarot reading is one of them. And part of my everyday job is writing radio and TV spots for clients. I don't get to do it very often. I write more TV than radio these days and rarely get to participate in the production. I'm not much of a TV producer anyway. But if I do say so myself, I've got some skilz when it comes to audio production. 

Anyway, this time last week I spent two whole days in the studio after a long sabbatical from the process. I had forgotten how much fun it is to work with talent and an engineer to get the right performance and sound. It's a joyful process for me and that energy appeared to spill over. The engineer I was working with teaches audio production on a university level and he said I taught him a new technique that he was going to share with his students the following week. That was pretty cool.

I wish I relished the finger-licking goodness of some of the writing I'm doing these days. Part of it is the nature of the projects I have in the hopper and part of it is that thing I said before about preferring the idea stage. The next couple of days I'll be working more on my book than on my normal job. It's not that I don't like the writing process, it's just a different kind of satisfaction is all. It's not like I don't get lost in it and feel like I've been transported elsewhere. I do. I get all caught up in it, but joy isn't the word I'd use, like I might for tarot or audio production. 

Anyway, because I chose this card, I'm going to see if I can't approach my book work with a different energy and see what I get. This is one of the rare occasions I have where there are no expectations outside of my own to worry about. 

What transports you into the joy zone?

9/21/11—Being Holy on Earth

Today's Draw: Hanged Man from the Tarot of the Sidhe. Are you an earth-bound spirit? Or an earthling bound for spirit? If you have feet in both worlds, which foot will you lift first?

To me, the Hanged Man means one of three things—time spent in suspension/waiting, taking a look from a different angle, and a voluntary sacrifice. But within Emily Carding's illustration and lwb (little white book) she includes a few interesting nuances. 

First is that her Hanged Man is not tied upside down to a tree limb, as most Hanged Men are. He's "falling up" toward a holier reality. He gives himself up to the vortex pulling him in, but with his foot momentarily caught in a branch, exists in both worlds. As if at a vertical fork in the road, he must choose to remain suspended and unchanged, or release himself never to be the same again. He chooses to let go and be reborn. To be holy on earth.

Yesterday we spoke of a death...the death of the "I" that happens when we become a couple. In this card, we see a different aspect of ego death. It's more of a death of the I to become "one"...to become part of the universal "we" that exists between God and everyone. The is the "different kind of love" that was discussed in the Facebook comments of yesterday's Two of Cups. Funny how these daily draws all blend together like this. 

In the moment of the Hanged Man, though, he is in both places at once. He is holy and human. And as he releases his foot, he falls up into the Death card, the next card in the deck and card of his ultimate transformation. In the context of this discussion, he falls into the ultimate "oneness" of being, where we're not just walking in step with spirit, but with all things.

Personally, I believe we are all the Hanged Man. Holy and human. A spirit bound to the earth. A spirit on a human experience. But most see things the other way around...that we're humans on a spiritual experience. Or they don't think much about the distinction at all...haha. 

The difference between the two is critical and colors how you see yourself and your journey here on earth. Either you're a perfect, holy being who came here to experience the path of the human. Or you're a human who came here to experience the path of spirit. Either you came here to remember your true nature. Or you're here to forget your true nature. Knowing which you're here for is crucial to knowing why you're here and how to proceed while you're here. But regardless of which you believe, you still have feet in both worlds. You're still tasked with justifying or unifying both worlds. There's still some "I" to sacrifice to be "one". You're still in some way bound to a foreign world. It really just comes down to which one you think your soul calls home.

9/19/11—Kissing the Kiss of Love and Death

Today's Draw: The Two of Grails from the Tarot of the Vampyres. Are you in love? Looking for love? Or do you have enough love without having romance in your life?

The Two of Grails or Cups is the card everyone is looking for in a love reading. It's the one says true love is either here on its way. It's the perfect union of opposites, the blending of the masculine and feminine, which is true on some level, whether it occurs between those of the opposite sex or those of the same. It can also apply to any sort of partnership, but it's usually about love.

The vampire's kiss seals a couple in eternal union. It is a kiss of both love and death. The death part is death of the ego, a requirement for a lasting and loving union to take place. And that's the scary part, isn't it? Sacrificing something of the "I" for the "we".

I recently spoke to a friend who, like me, is single and who, like me, was always cool about staying that way. But she's recently changed her mind about that and it's got me thinking as to where I stand these days. 

And I guess I've decided that I want an insta-love. One you can just add water to and you're there...past all the worries, fears and nerves, right in the pocket of a solid, secure relationship. And I also want us to maintain separate residences. Happily. With a perfectly satisfying sex life. 

Which is to say, I'm not quite ready yet. 

It has been a long time since I've been in love. There have been a number of false starts along the way. I'd like to believe I'll take the kiss of life and death again, but based on past results, the pleasure's not worth the price of the pain for me. I realize it's not always painful. And that when you find an appropriate partner, the pleasure is interspersed more with annoyances than pain. But every time I start thinking of wanting to go down that road, I wince a little. 

And to be honest, I sometimes wonder if there's something wrong with me. Everyone else seems to manage it. I know that "managing it" is often an illusion. And so sometimes I also think I'm the smart one and everyone else is just fooling themselves. 

It's not like I'm devoid of love in my life. I really can't imagine a happier, more harmonious family than the Kizzie/Magick/Mommy family. We got a good thing going and all I can think of is that if someone's going to enter my life, they'd better add to that, rather than take me away from it. 

So I'm just not there. I like the balance I've reached as a single person. I love my little family, the life I lead and my friends. And while I sometimes wish for romance and ALWAYS dream of having a little help around the house and in the yard and whatnot...haha...the tradeoffs for being single are still more attractive to me than the tradeoffs of being coupled. 

BUT if you know sexy, funny, handsome, professional, adventurous sextagenarian in the Washington, DC area who is looking for a long-term love, I wouldn't mind playing matchmaker for my friend. He better be something special though. ;)

9/19/11—Being Just Like Dad

Today's Draw: The Emperor from the Llewellyn Tarot. What were the qualities your father wrote upon the slate of your life? Are you flattered to think you might be like him, warts and all? Would you proud to have someone like him as your mate? Or is it all more complicated than that?

I don't like the Emperor. And it's not because he's an authority figure and I'm a rebel. Part of it is because he's the essence of all that is masculine, so much so that he always comes off to me like a manly man on testosterone. TOO male. Which is a total turnoff for me. 

Of course, this is just my interpretation of him. The generally accepted interpretation is an authoritative figure. A man of power and leadership. Protection. Leadership. And, yes, a strong masculine image. 

Another way the Emperor is usually described is as a father figure. And that's where the other part of my issue with him comes in, especially when he comes up in my readings for myself. When I think of my father, I think of a man who was largely absent growing up. He was in the military and, a couple of times, he spent one-year tours away from the family. Other than that, he traveled a lot. And worked very hard. So he wasn't around. And when he was around, he was a pretty intimidating figure. 

To be clear, my father was a good man. He saw his role as a provider, not as a nurturer. And he provided for us well. He rose to the top of his command and retired as a two-star general. But while my mother was the disciplinarian and could give a good walloping, my father was the one that scared the shit out of us...haha. I don't recall him ever raising a hand to anyone, but they somehow managed to instill within us a fear of what might happen if he did. So you just never pushed anything so far that you might find out.

Also, in many ways he wasn't the father I would have picked for myself. I would have picked a father who was more attentive and involved in the family dynamic. Even when he was around, his head was somewhere else. Or he was fixing one of the cars. Most of what concerned him, as I said before, was providing for our family. That's what men of his generation knew to do. Expectations are different these days. In his way, he did better than his best to give us what he thought was his job to give us. On top of that, he was a faithful and affectionate husband to my mother and highly respected among his peers. So I don't resent him. I got my work ethic from him. My analytical mind. My charm and sense of humor. So many gifts. But still, I have to say, I didn't get what I wanted when it came to having a father who made me feel valued and loved. 

So there it is. And for many years I felt conflicted about feeling that way. But I'm coming to own that now. We can have someone in our life who we know gave all they knew to give, and still not have it be the right kind of giving for us...still not have it be enough. We don't have to walk around and pretend our parents were perfect. We can acknowledge them and see them for who they were without all the polite whitewashing that happens throughout their lives and continues long after they're dead. People are not just one thing or another. They're a whole bouquet of things. And my father can still be a respected, honorable leader, while at the same time being an emotionally negligent father. No whining or blame. Just a truth that feels better to me than the whitewashed truth, because the whitewashed truth does not honor my reality. And growing up in a situation where the reality I wanted for myself wasn't honored, it's up to me to honor it for myself now. 

So this is the stuff I think of when I get the Emperor card in a reading. I dread getting it in a love reading, while most women would be happy to get it. But a man fully like my father wouldn't be an acceptable mate for the woman I am today. Many of his qualities are great, but I want someone who's present and honors my world in the way I would honor his. And when I get the card in a personal reading, I cringe, because, again, I think of my father and all the qualities of his—positive and negative—I've inherited. I can't look at this card without thinking "powerful, authoritative and absent." 

And it's that last part that, even though he's been deceased half my life, still "hurts" a little. I wish I could say differently, but I can't. I feel it so deeply wrote on the slate of my life that the echoes of it still hold their consequences today. And, hey, everyone's got something like this...some scribble cast early in life that still holds power over us today. This is mine. And darned if I'm not reminded of it every time I see this card. What is your tender spot when it comes to your father?