Thursday, December 13, 2012

12/14/12—Polishing Your Shine

Today's Draw: Seven of Gats (Wands) from the Dark Carnival Tarot by Rachel Paul. Are you a target for haters? Are you a hater yourself? Is there someone out there trying to take away your shine?

I thought about this deck for a long time before I got it, because I wasn't sure I would like it. It's very much like the Joker from the Dark Knight...manic and crazy. That's not really my vibe. But what eventually won me over is the humor that lies beneath the cards and presents itself in the book. 

The Seven of Gats corresponds to Wands. Evidently "gat" is a synonym for gun. Wands are fire and energy and the deck's creator identifies gats as modern fire power. While the Seven of Wands would signify conflict and struggle, the Seven of Gats signifies, "haters trying to stop your shine." Haha. 

I love that. It feels like my life has been marked by haters trying to stop my shine. If the haters weren't hating on me for my weight, they were hating on me for some other aspect of who I am. Most of the haters in my life have been who had some sort of power over me. Either they were a boss or a lover or a relative—men I sought approval from on some level. 

It always fascinated me that these people never picked on me for my intelligence or competency. They might use those things against me (as in "watch out for her. She's smart, so she can trick you into something without you even realizing it,") but nobody has ever called me stupid or incompetent. Or if they did, it never even so much as caused a blip on my radar. 

However, when I was thin, there were those who called me fat. When I was feeling good, there were those who said I was off balance. When I was genuine, there were those who called me manipulative..things like that. And each of those comments would succeed in "stopping my shine" to one degree or another. 

Slowly I came to learn—and am still learning—that the reason they never picked on me for certain things is because I was very secure in those things. There was no tender area to poke. There was something in my aura that told them those would be fruitless avenues. It was, instead, the things that I was insecure about that they chose to pick on. Or, more accurately, it was my insecurities that chose them as the ones whose opinions counted in my life. 

I know what you're thinking—"But, Tierney, you're a glamorous blogger, beloved in places like Finland. Your work is published daily on the World Wide Web and seen by as many as 100 people. You're so proud of your neuroses that you've written over 600 blog posts about them over the years. What could you possibly be insecure about?" Well, as it turns out, I'm insecure about a number of things. Glamor and all, I'm no different than you. ;)

Which brings us back to the haters. It really is true that nobody can hate on you without your permission. Because you're the one that decides how your body and emotions...your psyche...absorb the "hate". You are the one that views the exchange as either hate or criticism against you, or self-hatred, anger, fear or pain on the part of the attacker. 

And when you're hating on someone else...being critical or causing disruption in another's life—regardless of how much you think the other person "deserves" it—you're not really hating on them. You're using them as a dart board upon which to fling your own inner dislike, anger, fear or pain. Again, regardless of how much you think the other person "deserves" it. Because people who have healed their own pains, fears and dislikes have far too much compassion and empathy for the path of healing to intentionally inflict pain on others. 

A friend of mine recently reminded me that I get to choose how to use the conflicts and upsets that come into my life. I can use them as an invitation to feel bad about myself and feed the pains that keep me chained to the cycle of "losing my shine". Or I can see them as projections made by others—or even made by myself upon myself—and allow myself the confidence of knowing I'm ok just the way I am. Because regardless of how many people come into your life with their belittling comments, and regardless of how many "idiots" there are out there that need to be put in their place by you, there is only one true hater and one "hated" in your life. And both of them are you. 

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