THE HEART OF EQUANIMITY & THE EQUANIMITY OF
HEART
Equanimity is a quality often discussed in a
spiritual or philosophical context, but here Goddess and Sparky explore
equanimity as a characteristic that can inform and transform perspectives around
life and love!
Sparky:
“Equanimity isn’t a quality we bring up or point out often. We
don’t hear someone say, “Wow… Did you notice how equanimous he or she
was being tonight…”
Goddess:
“It’s defined here online as mental or emotional stability or
composure, especially under tension or strain. calmness, equilibrium.
that’s balance…
synonyms are; serenity, self-possession,
aplomb, calmness of mind or temper - composure.
antonyms include; panic, disquiet, discomposure, agitation. those
can sure throw a relationship out of whack!”
Sparky:
“Yeah they can.
To me, equanimity arises from love. When
we’re being equanimous, we’re open and we accept circumstances, events, people
equally, without judging. You’re not making something, or someone right
or wrong. You’re actually looking at something as it is, and you’re
looking at others as they are. It allows for the space of the actual
experience instead of focusing on your mental data about it… When
you’re not crowding or covering up an experience with information or
judgements, you’re more available to experience it. Without equanimity,
the habits of our brain activity tend to cover up the actual experience with
accessing, connecting and making right or wrong/ good or bad of it.”
Goddess: “the
first thing i’m feeling into is that non-equanimity is part of the ancient,
conditioned pattern that is rooted in our tribal thinking which says that
everything has to be a certain way and that we have to be right. and we are
still tribal creatures in our current day relationships in many ways. we have
to try to control by knowing how everything is going to go. and we have
to stick to those patterns because they’re going to keep us safe. it
perpetuates an identity myth - and this identity manifests by doing things a
certain way. we do things a certain way and if anything upsets the apple
cart, it can threaten the tribe. of course, it’s also about efficiency -
attempting to streamline the activities in your life which also enforces predictability.
people like predictability.”
Sparky: “Yes,
and that points to the culture which can be great if it’s being practiced
consciously, but it can also be limiting when it becomes merely a habit - a
stored mental pattern. That pattern doesn’t really honor the culture at
all. As within the tribal identity you referred to, the habit is
reinforced in a by-product of the culture that’s exhibited when we react in a
certain, preconditioned way to things. That by-product defaults straight
to the good/bad, right/wrong paradigm. That’s what gets all the energy
and then the result limits any actual experience. By introducing
equanimity, we allow for more clarity, creativity and adaptability… We live
more fully and are more open to the life experience!”
Goddess:
“.........yes, instead of responding in a pre-programmed way..”
“another thing i have experienced as
non-equanimous, ha - that sounds funny...are people who fly off the handle at
any kind of disruption or any kind of change or any kind of interference in the
environment or in the ambience. it becomes all about them and their
judgments and their reactions to it. a barking dog, heavy traffic or some
other experience gets framed around them and their role or reaction to it. there’s
a lot of control going on in that. we’ve all been around those people
who, when they fly off the handle, everyone jumps and scrambles to make it
better for that person.”
Sparky:
“Oh yeah… A few are coming to mind right now!
But, back to equanimity… When we practice
it, it takes us out of our heads to access “the correct” conditioned response
and brings us into the experience of the present moment. It
actually requires presence, which opens up everything. By demanding
presence, equanimity allows authentic connections. We become more
available, more spontaneous. Creativity and clarity are available for the
relationship since we’re now not stuck in our heads. We can be
consciously engaged and using thought, instead of living through thought via
some limited, mental pattern…”
Goddess: “that
limiting of creativity in consciousness, which could manifest in creativity in
the 3D through writing or art or building, gets freed up. creativity is
there for exploration, expansion… the way i’m thinking about it, it’s the
opposite of limiting yourself. those limiting behaviors are very limiting
in relationships, too. when you fall into the ‘this is the way it
should be’ pattern, you’re desperately displaying tribal behavior in an
attempt to keep your tribe (or any relationship) together, around you.“
Sparky: “Maybe
well intended, maybe not, but it’s usually controlling…”
Goddess:
“those tribal calls are all around us, even the calls of glory, ...to the
warrior. recently while watching Obama give medals of honor to war heroes
on the news, I thought, ‘why are we still honoring people who kill
people?…….doesn’t anybody get it?’ the feats of those men were
extraordinary - displays of the human capacity for bravery, courage, loyalty
and perseverance… in so many powerful ways. but we’re talking about
humans killing other humans! feels like the Twilight Zone. those
people that these men are killing have the same hearts, the same minds, the
same sentience and the same loyalty and bravery, and they want to protect their
people too. can’t we all see this? the act of honoring ‘people
killing people’ reinforces people killing people. this just
reminded me of how tribal we still are. but our consciousness has
superseded the need to be tribal. yes, there will continue to be
terrorist groups and yes, there are still 7 billion people on this planet so
there is still going to be a huge number of people who are gonna continue to be
tribal and wreak death and destruction. but from the White House, one of
the power centers of our species - can we set a tone to change the tide?
i’m bringing this up because it’s rooted in that non-equanimous behavior
- it’s all part of the same syndrome. bringing that into relationships -
we’re still trying to be tribal within our coupling, to do whatever it
takes to hang onto each other, to gain a superficial sense of security,
loyalty…”
Sparky:
“One of the residual effects of practicing equanimity in relationships is
that it helps keep us from getting entangled in reactive patterns in the first
place. When equanimity is your default mode, the patterns or traps stand
out and become more visible for you. You’re clearer, so the slippery
exchanges tend to stand out. When you can resist the pull of a
negative engagement, you don’t engage it and give away your control, your
power.”
Goddess:
“that’s why i feel control issues in these situations, because in many
relationships we see lots of behaviors that are power grabs, that are
manipulative. it can be quite obvious and aggressive, not necessarily
physically aggressive, but aggressive in certain ways. i don’t always
perceive that aggressiveness the same way that other people perceive
aggression. when i’m faced with it, i often give compassion, peace, and
softness in response. some people hate me for that, because they can’t
control me. some relationships are defined by that controlling dynamic.
and the conflicts have a lot to do with those attempts to control.”
Sparky: “It
has everything to do with control. And it’s often quite cunning and
subtle… it sneaks in usually when we’re in auto-pilot, not present. But
in the error of attempting to control someone, we ultimately create a conflict.
It can be the source of so much ongoing suffering. And not just for
the couple, but for children, relatives and others. It’s a contagion,
that if you engage it - whether positively or negatively, you’re caught
in it. Engaging in a conflict is engaging in a conflict, period.
The conflict cycle has a life of it’s own. It’s engaged whenever
our attention is on it. The cycles exists through the energy of our
attention. When you don’t engage the cycle - you don’t feed it anymore.
And getting to that understanding is very
empowering! It’s clear that you’re not trying to control by taking sides
or by producing any particular outcome. You’re simply choosing for you,
while others get to choose for themselves.
That’s what you do… what you’ve done. You
don’t engage in the conflict! You stay present and you choose not to engage...
Period. That’s powerful, and it’s beautiful!”
Goddess:
“why, thank you! i don’t know that i could ever see where any
fruitfulness could come from engaging. you’re not going to ever be able
to get to a balanced outcome.
but its not that i can’t be triggered, you’ve
seen me be triggered. and there could be times when being triggered
highlights something, where a couple needs to bring out some kind of issue that
isn’t coming out in any other way. like when there are things that need
to be said and so you’re yelling to say those things that you want to get out
and can’t seem to do it in any other way.”
Sparky:
“Then equanimity can be there for the other person, the one that isn’t
yelling yet, to avoid the yelling engagement - the trap of the cycle that’s
beginning to form. This allows the other to look deeper and to try to
find out more. Or even to disengage completely, for a while and revisit
the issue in a fresh discussion.”
Goddess:
“i know that when that kind of conflict comes up, i go into a completely
different mode now. i don’t engage it… i can’t remember the last time i
did. you can’t really have a good outcome. i usually become
compassionate, and i do actually feel compassionate because if somebody is still
engaging in that, well it’s a pretty sad place to be engaging from.
who has triggered you in your life?”
Sparky:
“Well, I can’t really name or blame it on anyone particular, though a few
do come mind, but it’s really about me. I’m triggered, off and on at
different times and hopefully, I’m more often aware of it than not. And
now, just the awareness itself is often enough to stop the trigger and the
process. It’s become a practice, just to notice.
For instance, I might be lost in thought and make
a client wrong because they’re calling when I have something else going on.
That becomes a trigger, but noticing it is important - otherwise I might
keep making them wrong. Noticing it helps clear it. Or maybe
I’m thinking its “bad” weather - I might make the weather wrong, ”more snow is
the last thing I need!” Ha! Dude, wake up! Sure, I still go
into autopilot sometimes, but I’m aware of it most of the time and once you
become aware of it, you’re free to choose. I’ve never found a compelling
reason to hang onto those thoughts - it’s just not where the fun is.”
Goddess:
“i was sitting here thinking about whether love is inherently embedded in
equanimity, or is equanimity inherently embedded in love? or are
they two different things? what comes first, meaning which is the
root of which?”
Sparky:
“I don’t know, but I feel that love is primary and equanimity arises from
love. Its part of the nature of love. The true sentiment behind the
false statement that “love is blind”, actually resides in that thing that we’re
calling equanimity. It’s part of love, to let go of that which is not adding to
love. It’s one of love’s conditions, in other words. We see it in
the manifest and we call it blindness because we begin to put our attention on,
not what we’re choosing, but what’s choosing us. The irritant, the
inconvenience, the problem… Then we start to see more and more of that.
Not because of any choice that we’ve made, but because of other
conditions, or wanting some outcome. And we begin to think about it and
then we begin to experience conflicts arising from the thoughts. The
same person that was so magnificent a year ago… where’d that person go? We’re
now setting conditions, making requirements and living more through thought
than through the present experience. That’s the primary error which we
seem to make over and over again. And we wind up on a psychiatrist’s
couch and say that ‘I keep on somehow doing the same thing over and over.’ People
are not distinguishing between when they were in the experience of
experiencing, versus trying to “manage” the experience and being taken over by
their thoughts about it.”
Goddess: “you
said earlier that this is very tied to allowing… to non-judgmental, and
acceptance. i guess equanimity is the result…..the state that results
from those beliefs and actions.
until you brought this up, in regards to
relationships, i never would have thought about equanimity. it was just a
natural reaction or response, i guess. it was not a conscious choice as
much as just a natural way of being, until it came up as a topic. so,
here are some reflections I have on it now:
equanimity feels allowing, compassionate and
accepting. I get a lot of depth around the feeling of acceptance through
it. I can learn a lot more about a person through allowing, rather than
through making assumptions based on my own ego’s fears.
ultimately, if you want to be in a relationship
with a person, you will want to know what’s really going on with them.
that’s what I would want to know……...that from a state of equanimity, i’m
moving forward from a foundation of truth. then i’m more in the know,
because i’m not based in delusions or accusations or putting too much
credence in their mood or an outburst, because that’s not a true picture
either.
i’m more balanced and i can make better decisions
about the relationship. it keeps me from being triggered, which could
wind up being hurtful and i never want to hurt anybody, at anytime, for any
reason.
being in equanimity, i’m not judging myself or
others, and i feel good about myself. i can be who i am and the other can be
who they are. when no one is being judged, you’re free to live your
truth, you don’t have to hide it and walk on eggshells. and you can
be direct without being threatening. when someone is trying to handle me
i feel manipulated and disempowered.
and when one person is being triggered, the other
can model the calm of equanimity. they can be kind and loving and connect
with what’s truly going on. and they can then move forward in the days,
months and years ahead without all the heavy, controlling baggage. in
the end, they can feel much more love between them. a love that is
way more true than one that is disguised or disingenuous.”
Sparky: “Wow…
That’s just so right on. So beautifully put.
Okay, so here are a few closing thoughts:
Psychologists have identified a human need; a deep, primal need that is
linked to our species survival. It’s the need to feel a sense of
belonging. It may be the most disguised, but the most essential emotional
need that we share.
Through equanimity, we all belong. When we interact, we’re not connecting and communicating
through a maze of superficial actions and reactions, we’re connecting directly
with the essence of the other person. We’re engaging the parts that unite
us, rather than those that divide us. We feel seen, heard, connected and
loved.
To access equanimity, we start by having our
attention in the present moment. By doing so, the practice of equanimity
allows the experience that we call love, to shine through us.
Relationships thrive in this love!
Once equanimity is experienced……..once you really
get it, then nothing else will do!”
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