Truth is, I don't feel very spiritual lately. I haven't for a while.
My inner peace and Kumbayah-ness has turned itself over to anger, stress and frustration. I know part of what I'm angry about, but much of it is stuff I can't or won't talk about here. But let's just say that, on one level, things usually go my way. I mean that in the sense that the universe supports me in my dreams and aspirations. If I don't have everything I want right now in that realm, it's because I'm not doing my part. And I have good, smart reasons why I'm not doing my part right now.
But on another level, things really aren't going my way. I have no doubt I bear responsibility in that, too. I just don't have the clarity of mind to figure out why just now. And I'm off-balance. And out of touch with that which brings me peace and centeredness. And it's not for a want of trying. I still meditate every night. I'm still strong in my beliefs. But I'm not at peace. If we're all spiritual beings having a human experience, I've supersized my human experience for the time being.
These are the times people lose faith. When things don't go their way for some time, they give up on believing there's any sort of higher intelligence out there that cares. Like me, they're usually focusing on one or two struggles in particular while most everything else in their life is actually OK. They just can't see it through the pain of whatever they're facing.
When it comes down to brass tacks, I live a blessed life. I don't have a whole lot of legitimate stuff to complain about. I do think I have trouble reaching out to others, though. It seems like, when I do, people want to share their experiences or advice, when all I want is someone to listen and comfort me. Right now I don't have a lot to give in return and everyone has crap they want to unload, so I'm keeping to myself. Of course, I'm guilty of the same thing. Sometimes I'm a good listener, but more often I'm not. So when I'm really scared, worried or vulnerable about something, I tend to go inside and keep it to myself, because that's where I feel safest.
Thing is, I've been here before...disconnected from spirit, feeling less spiritual, feeling alone. It's all part of the gig. What I know from being here before is that it's temporary. Everything is temporary. Joy is temporary. Sorrow is temporary. Aloneness is temporary. Connection is temporary. And when we make it to the other side of the downswing, we find ourselves in a better place than before.
Sometimes we get stuck on the downswing. When you lose someone you love, for example, you get stuck on the downswing because being on the upswing feels like a kind of betrayal. Or we might get stuck because our situation is stuck...like maybe we're unemployed or going through a protracted period of crap. Sometimes the downswing comes because we fought it and denied it so long...saw it through rose-colored glasses for so long that it comes crashing down on use because it needs to happen and be acknowledged. Downswings need to happen for upswings to occur. And even if we try to walk an even path of balance, there are still ups and downs. It just is.
A lot of us are good boys and girls who try to "do it right". And we have a vision of what "right" is. And that vision is that "right" is always smiling, always connected, always able to withstand the slings and arrows. And that's just not right at all. We are spiritual beings having a human experience and getting pissed off and having emotions that go up and down and feeling happy when we should feel sad and sad when we should feel happy—that's all part of being a human.
Yet we still beat ourselves up because we "could have handled something better" or because "we're having a good time while our spouse is at home sick" or whatever. We try to control what is sometimes uncontrollable, sometimes god's hand trying to help us and sometimes just life. We judge, like I've been judging, the downswings in our life as "bad" or something to be tolerated, when all of it is part of the journey. Like on a roller coaster when you have to face that tedious first climb before all hell and fun break loose. It's all a necessary part of the ride.
So that's where I am right now. Actually, though I'm afraid to admit I'm on the upswing, I am on the upswing. There are times in life we just have to remind ourselves that this, too, shall pass and it's here, no matter how it looks otherwise, out of love—love for us and the progression of our soul. It seems like things started to turn around for me some when I just gave in to the crappiness I had been fighting for so long and stopped putting so much pressure on myself to cope or power through....when I gave myself over to my own powerlessness. Which is not to say I stopped trying to find a way out, but rather I stopped resisting where I was. If you're where I am now, that may work for you, too.