Which is why I haven't been writing as much. Part of it is that I need to use my energy toward some health issues I've been having for quite some time. I don't think I'm going to die or anything, but while I'm trying to raise my status to "not completely preoccupied by debilitating physical and mental exhaustion", I'm having a hard time being too deep. And I'm giving myself a break from all the pressure I put myself under in the non-work parts of my life, so I'm ignoring my "schedule" of writing.
While I've been looking for answers and trying to dig myself out of that hole, I've noticed a couple of changes in my attitude. I have no idea if or how much they're tied to what I'm going through, but they're worth sharing.
The first is that I'm doubting myself less. I have a long history of self doubt. And it's remarkable because, when I have a feeling about something or when I perceive manipulative or toxic kinds of behaviors, I'm usually always right. But still I doubt myself. Which will frequently make me want to bounce the situation off another person so I can determine "am I being defensive or is the other person being an ass?" and other such weighty questions.
When I trust myself and call the other person out, then there's another layer of self doubt..."should I have let it slide? Was I too hard on the person? etc." This kind of self doubt completely ruins any trace of satisfaction I might have gotten from speaking my mind to someone who is taking advantage of me or taking their insecurities out on me or whatever.
Now, normally I would be preaching to just let these things slide and that's what I do 95% of the time. But sometimes I succumb to the temptation to give as good as I get when smug and condescending bastards come around. Then usually I feel bad about lowering myself to their level. And if I don't lower myself to their level, then I go over what I wish I'd said in my head. So no matter what I do in situations like this, my brain is hardwired to stress myself out and drive myself crazy.
So lately I've decided to stop second-guessing myself and relying on the opinions of others. And I've decided not to hold back on those occasions that I determine are worthy of engaging in. And, most importantly, I've decided to just speak my part calmly and decisively without doubting whether I should have engaged or if I'm being unreasonable or worrying about what others think or any of that BS. Not to engage in a war of words, but put their crap right back in their face and walk away without another thought.
In one way, it's not my most evolved self. That person would have looked compassionately at the deep, childhood wounding that caused the other person to lash out. But I'm not in a place where I can be that person all the time right now. Maybe not ever. And while being that person in difficult times is a way to stretch and grow, it's also a way to cause myself additional stress. And then I usually end up blowing up at a salesperson who doesn't deserve my wrath, causing more guilt and self flagellation. So I'm learning to both stretch and grow in the compassionate way, but also to stretch and grow in the allowing and forgiving of myself when I'm not being my highest self. I'm learning to trust my choices in those situations.
So there's that. And the other thing that has changed lately is that I've been noticing and taking joy in the ordinary little moments of life. I've been finding myself becoming conscious in the midst of things I'm doing and appreciating that moment...appreciating the enjoyment...the love...the satisfaction...whatever I'm experiencing in the moment.
It feels like life has been a struggle for years while I've been battling this exhaustion. Right now, thanks to some herbs and the willingness to allow the exhaustion to just "be", without judgment, I'm feeling better than I have in years. I won't say things are easy or that I'm out of the woods, but things are not as hard as they have been. And, instead of worrying about myself, I can just let some of the light shine through and appreciate the life and health I *do* have.
Both of these changes in me have come from letting go...letting go of the mindfuck I do on myself every time I speak up for myself (or don't speak up for myself) and letting go of the resistance to whatever is going on with me (yes, I visit my doctor regularly and am seeing a specialist.) And also, in letting go of my (non-work) schedules and "must-dos", I've found that I'm getting more things done. The stress of holding on and resisting has really been doing a number on me—more than I ever would have imagined. It depletes me body, mind and soul.
I had recently done a meditation that communicated the message that "I am my own most powerful shaman." So many of the emotional, spiritual, social and even physical issues that plague us are completely within in our own power to heal. And it all starts by letting go.
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