Sunday, October 9, 2016

10/10/16—Confronting Aloneness

I've been confronting the reality that I'm alone lately. And, at times, "alone" has been confronting me back.

I'm not talking about loneliness. That's an emotion. I'm not talking about not having a lover. Or about being friendless, because I am not. Those are states. I'm talking about the reality that, no matter how many friends or social interactions we may have, and regardless of being connected to a soul mate, in the mind's quietest moments, we're in this thing alone. Most of us have experienced sufficient personal challenge in life to know aloneness is always there, waiting in the darkness for that moment of silence when you notice it.

Each of us is here for whatever reasons we believe we're here for. The variables of life's experiences and the things that magnetize and repel us are so numerous that it's impossible for two people to share the exact same history, paths, roads to the paths, experiences, etc. We may know, say, a sibling all our lives. But even with them, we merge or diverge in terms of relationship at different phases of our lives. So nobody can truly ever be in your head well enough or often enough to make it so you're not ultimately alone.

Each of us is on a fully unique trajectory in our time here. And we may have long-term companions as we travel on that trajectory. But we each have a unique secret mission to accomplish here on earth. It's so secret, we're only conscious to parts of it on a "need to know" basis. But intrinsically, intuitively, we know what to do and when to do it to further the mission. And, while some may help us out here and there, that mission is ours alone.

I could argue that those who believe in a higher power or a collective consciousness are never alone. But that—whatever that is—is a higher source. A spirit source. A disembodied energy. And you are human. Your soul came here specifically for you to occupy a body. Your soul can connect to that higher intelligence through prayer or meditation or the power of faith, but as comforting as that connection may be, you are still alone. That is spirit. You are human. Spirits exist on another plane of consciousness. And you are here. Alone. 

It sucks. And it's depressing. But we can either confront this reality and make peace with it...even embrace it. Or we can avoid or deny it by staying so occupied—or drugged, distracted or otherwise numbed—that we don't have to face the awkward and fearsome task of being alone with our aloneness. And there's nothing that says we have to confront it in this incarnation, anyway. So why risk it? 

Aloneness knows WAY too much about us. It even knows we're afraid of it. So it doesn't try to lure us in. It just waits for us to come to it and confront it. Or, by acknowledging it, allow it to confront us.

I've been conscious of this aloneness all my life. It has frightened me. It has depressed me. I have pushed it to the side, ignored it, preoccupied myself, avoided it—you name it. That's what has been most common. And then there are stretches where I see it, and it doesn't phase me. I can walk alongside it, in acceptance and silence. Then invariably some crisis comes along and the aloneness burns me ever deeper in places I thought I'd healed—or didn't quite realize were there—and I feel vulnerable or scared or lost or in pain. And I either confront aloneness or it confronts me. And I eventually make peace with it until the next time.

So I have traveled the full spectrum of aloneness many times. But I just can't seem to figure out a way to embrace it. There is no circumstance under which I can imagine saying, "Woo hoo! What a joy it is to be here with my aloneness! It's the ultimate high! What took me so long to figure this out?" I see wisdom in making peace with it. Even of "forgiving" it...not resenting it. But I can't find any wisdom in embracing it.

Maybe I can't see it until I peel off a layer or two of some onion. Or maybe the last layer is to be able to walk alongside it, conscious, at peace and in acceptance. Familiar. Some higher wisdom guided my soul into this incarnation for a reason. May as well trust in that. And maybe that's a reason to embrace it. I can't say right now. 

All I can say is I've been confronting the reality that I'm alone lately. And, at times, "alone" has been confronting me back.

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