9/18/12—Taking Stock of Our Defenses

Today's Draw: Ash from Rune Cards oracle by Tony Linsell & Brian Partridge. How do you defend yourself in relationships? And how might those defenses emanate from your own fears and issues? What kind of unhealthy relationships seem to be a pattern in your life and what does that reflect back to you?

Yesterday I caught a glimpse of someone from my past and it got me thinking. This is someone I used to be close to, but I moved on from the relationship when it became unhealthy for me. There are a lot of those lost friendships in my life...people you outgrow in one way or another. 

Some of these endings are really just a reflection of who we are at the time. Ladies from my 20s, that I used to go out to bars and parties with, for example. At some point or another, I became less interested in hanging out in bars and partying on the weekend and they didn't. A couple weren't interested in activities that didn't end in getting drunk. So the relationships ended. 

But other relationship issues are a reflection of our fears and internal issues. When you're someone who wants to be liked and seeks affirmation, as I've been for a good part of my life, you naturally attract those who take advantage of you or who take you for granted. This person I saw was someone I had in my life for a very long time. She was someone who had a whole lot of good qualities. But she could also be cold and dismissive and, frankly, downright cruel sometimes. 

Looking back, I'd say I spent way more than a decade unsuccessfully trying to get our friendship back into a good place...walking on eggshells and absorbing negativity every step of the way. In retrospect, the relationship was more about earning her approval than it was about being in an actual friendship. And that's the way she worked all her deeper relationships—part seeing how far she could push before you rejected her and part acting superior and dismissive. 

Because I had known her for a long time, I understood what made her the way she was. I don't mean to make her sound like an awful person that nobody would like. She had deep pains that, I guess, because I could understand them, I often overlooked. But the other side to her was that she was funny and smart. She was a good person to talk to, because she was very insightful. And for as thoughtless and selfish as she could be in many ways, she could also be thoughtful and generous in others. 

Anyway, seeing her made me think a lot of things. First, when I've seen "ghosts from the past" before, I've felt very anxious inside...my esteem has waned at the sight of them. None of that happened when saw her.  I didn't really feel inclined to take the opportunity to talk to her, but I also didn't feel anything negative toward her. After discovering that she had married since the last time we talked, I felt "well, good for her", followed by a twinge of "I feel sorry for that guy." But who knows what's she learned since last I saw her? After assimilating everything, I decided to stick with "well, good for her. I hope she's happy and learning and growing." I was glad to see that, while they wavered momentarily, my internal attitudes toward the whole thing matched the kind of person I project out into the world. 

The other thing I thought about was something she said to me a long time ago. She said that when I first meet people, I allow them liberties and/or I try harder than normal. Then when the relationship gets on, I don't like the liberties they take or expectations they have...liberties and expectations that I allowed them to believe were ok. I've thought of that many times since then. It's true. It was true about my friendship with her. And it's true about a whole lot of other friendships that have come and gone. 

So that, in turn, got me thinking of why I do it...to be liked and affirmed. And it also got me thinking of how my defense is to eventually end the relationship, feeling taken advantage of by the liberties I allowed them to take. 

This is something I feel like I've stopped doing somewhere along the line. I feel like today my "defense" is to stop taking *myself* for granted in the first place. Because if I respect myself, then respect from others will follow. Today I have people in my life who like me and appreciate me for who I am. I don't have to "try harder" to earn their respect and affection. Nor am I afraid of losing their friendship for the same thing I've lost friendships for in the past. 

I've learned lessons, as is my intention to do, with each relationship I've left along the roadway as I've walked my path. And I feel like in the past couple of months so many "tests", big and small, have come into my life to tempt me, cajole me or otherwise measure how serious I am about not falling into the same traps I've fallen into in the past. And other things have come along to show me how much I've changed. I have to say, I'm quite pleased with the results of all of this. 

Which brings us to today's Rune Card, Ash. It's all about the defenses we put up around us. The facades we erect to capture another's favor. The ways we respond to dismissive behavior from those around us. The way we project ourselves out into the world. Ash is a wood that grows quickly. And when it's cut back, it produces that much more wood with which to build spears and fences and walls. 

When we cut back in our own lives, we do the same thing. And not just when we cut back friends or habits or other external things...that doesn't address the root of the issue, only the symptoms. It's when we cut back internally, shedding the fears and issues that others reflect back to us—the crap that made us attract those situations in the first place—that we produce the kind of materials within that can not only give us stronger defenses, but also make the need for those defenses moot. 

9/17/12—Honoring Our Partnerships

Today's Draw Classic*: Two of Cups from the Victorian Romantic Tarot. Is there any relationship more complex, annoying, supportive, surprising, loving, inescapable, comfortable and enduring than the one you share with your sibling?

NOTE: I wrote this entry exactly five months ago, the last night I saw my brother alive. He passed four days later in his home. He would have been 54 today. Happy birthday, John Sadler. You are missed. 

The Two of Cups is usually about romantic partnership—love, union and connection. It doesn't always indicate romance, though. It can be any kind of partnership, both the kind you enter into into willingly and enthusiastically and the kind that are just byproducts of life. 

Forty-nine years ago, I entered into a partnership with five people. It wasn't a partnership of my choosing. At least not consciously. Sometimes it's been like an albatross around my neck. Sometimes it's been a privilege. Most of the time it vacillates between the two. Those people are my brothers and sisters and tonight might have been the last time I saw one of them in their earthly form. 

My brother John is the jock in the family. He played baseball, football and basketball throughout high school. He's six foot three inches of someone you don't want to mess with. And as tough as he's always been in his visage and demeanor, underneath he's always been a very vulnerable and sensitive soul. It wasn't always easy to see or access, but it was there.

Growing up I thought he'd have a hard time finding anyone who would be able to put up with him. But what ended up happening is that he married his perfect match. He has four kids who, quite rightly, worship him. And the machismo that I once thought might be his undoing, faded away into a man who wasn't afraid to let you see his weakness. And that weakness was his family. It was also his strength. 

One of the things that really made me look at my brother differently...to see him as something other than the annoying jock who walked around like he owned the place...was many years back when he lost his professional job in software sales. He wasn't able to find another job readily and I doubted his ego could withstanding having a wife as the breadwinner. But you know what he did? He became the house dad and he thrived in the role of nurturer and "homemaker". And when he found another job, he found one that allowed him to continue being there for his kids. He gave to his children what his own father wasn't capable of giving...presence. Attention. Nurturing. 

Last November he came down with a really bad "chest cold" that he just couldn't seem to shake. It got worse and worse until he ended up in the hospital nearly drowning in his own fluids. Turns out he had lung cancer. He's done all the things you do...chemo, radiation, etc. But he has a very aggressive and incurable type of lung cancer. There's no telling how much time he has left. But the way he looked tonight in the intensive care unit at the hospital, it didn't look like it was going to be long. In fact, in the pain and presence of mind he was in, I pray it isn't long.

We enter into these partnerships with our siblings and the agreement is that we'll always love each other, even if we hate each other. We'll always be bound by blood and parentage and a string of memories we will never share with anyone else—memories from a time when we were too full of life to ever think of death. We're never ready for the day when those partnerships begin dissolving...or transforming into something less tangible. 

My siblings and I lost our parents young. My mother died when I was 21 and my father when I was 25. We're no strangers to loss. But you grow up knowing your parents will die someday. For some reason, you never think your siblings will die someday, too. One of us has to watch this happen five times. Is that a blessing or a curse?  

My brother John is 53. He has four children, including a young man he'll never get to see play high school football the way his father watched him play. I'm not sure what breaks my heart the most, but I'm pretty sure it's that. I do know he'll be there. The smell of cigarette smoke...or farts...will waft up suddenly in the stands for no apparent reason. And that will be how we'll know he's there. 

We make these partnerships for a lifetime. But they really never end, do they? They go on beyond anything we imagine. My belief tells me this is true, but the human part of me is heartbroken tonight over the inevitability of what's to come, whether it's days or weeks from now. What a blessing, though, that nothing has gone unspoken, and that no part of the partnership has been left unfulfilled.

Please hold my brother, his wife and their four children in your prayers over the coming days and weeks in hopes they may find peace and strength in their transition. Thank you.

* From an entry dated 4/17/12

9/15/12-9/16/12—Finding Your Voice

Weekend Reading: Ace of Feathers (Swords) from the Collective Tarot. Somewhere, sometime over the course of this weekend, something is either going to spark you to speak up, or you'll finally find your voice about something. The Ace of Feathers says you should go ahead and comment. Your opinions, experiences, boundaries and beliefs are important. Don't be shy to voice them. Trust that the words will come out the way they need to in order to get your message across. If the person you're talking to doesn't appreciate your truth, assuming you've been respectful in delivering it, then you may want to note their response. You have a unique voice to add to the conversation and it deserves to be heard.

9/14/12—Choosing the Consequence

Today's Draw: Two of Swords from the Victorian Romantic Tarot. Do you tend to hold emotions and frustrations inside until you ultimately burst? Or do you find that you dispense your emotions as they come? What is your emotional style?

So it's the final day of the One Card Challenge. Today's interpretation comes from something I saw in the card as I looked at it again this morning. 

She's got stormy skies, rough water and dangerous rocks behind her. So we can interpret that as meaning that the worst is behind her. But we could also see it the opposite way. To me, she looks like she's about to fall backward, like in one of trust tests they do at corporate retreats...you know, where you fall back into the waiting arms of others? 

I have a love/hate relationship with my emotions. Sometimes it feels good to just feel and let your emotions out. Other times, it can be scary. Emotions can be a gateway to depression and wallowing for me. Ain't pretty, but it's true. 

To me, this card seems to be saying "I've tried everything to release this pain short of letting it wash over me. So I'm just going to fall into it and trust I won't drown." That's what all the experts say to do, right? Feel what you feel. Let it all out. Feel it until you heal it.

I used to be really good at crying and "feeling it". But somewhere along the line, all of that went away. I don't know if it's age or negative reinforcement or numbness or what. I can't do it anymore. Which isn't to say I don't still cry from time to time. But now I cry when the rain barrel is full and can't hold any more emotion. Or when really bad stuff happens, like when my brother was dying. 

Honestly, I spent so many years being either content and "normal" or down and depressed (I've never been manic, which is evident by how little ever gets done around this house) that I don't even know what's healthy or "normal" anymore. Is it healthy to just let emotions wash over you? Or is it healthy to just take them by the jugful when you've got the capacity? With my history of depression, falling back into the waters frightens me. 

The good news is that somewhere between making better choices, building self esteem, meditating, gaining a spiritual purpose and starting on prescribed pharmaceuticals, I feel pretty even most of the time these days. A couple of years ago menopausal mood swings made antidepressants wise, if not necessary, for me. But all those years of resisting them makes my knee-jerk reactions err on the side of not swimming in the deep end if I can help it. 

Pretty much every entry I write comes with an answer. But this one does not. Will this woman have the courage to fall backward? And if she does fall in back in trust, will she get taken by a rip tide? Or will she wash gently back up on shore, weary from the waves, but nonetheless cleansed? I really don't know. 

That's part of the dilemma of the Two of Swords. A choice has to be made and every choice we make in life comes with some sort of gift and some sort of consequence. We usually choose based on the gifts. But we do have to be cognizant that we're also choosing a consequence. 

Perhaps that's what she's really falling back into in this card...a choice. And she just has to trust that whatever consequence she's choosing is one she can live with. 

9/13/12—Finding Truth in the Gray Areas

Today's Draw: Two of Swords from the Victorian Romantic. Do you believe one presidential candidate is whacked out and the other is reasonable? Do you find yourself using the word "evil" to describe people in your life? What can BJ and Fifty Shades of Gray tell you about how to be in this world?

Day Four of the One Card Challenge and I'm rarin' to go! Since part of my intent for this week was to teach a little about different ways you can read cards, I'm going to do some teachy teachy stuff today, too. 

One of the ways I teach card meanings is to teach all the twos at once, for example. It actually works. There are common lines you can draw and keywords you can reference through each number of the minor arcana which can make remembering card meanings a little easier. And each number 1-10 of the minor arcana (the "pips" as we call them in tarot) corresponds to two, sometimes three major arcana cards. These cards also embody the same basic keywords. 

The majors that correspond to the number 2 are the High Priestess (major arcana 2), Justice (major arcana 11) and Judgment (major arcana 20). The reason these are all twos is because if you reduce their numerical assignations to a single digit, you get two. For example, Justice is card 11 and 1+1=2. 

So yesterday we talked about balance and choice being keywords for the twos. That is clearly seen in the Justice card with the scales of justice and fair reasoning. And it can be seen in Judgment, because the angel is calling your soul to judgment so a choice can be made based on your past experiences. Those are simplistic definitions of those cards, but they work. 

But now to the mother of all twos, the High Priestess. For me, she demonstrates another aspect of the twos...dualism. She is positioned between the dark and light pillars of Solomon's temple, Boaz and Jachin (bet you thought the BJ stood for something else, huh?). All this points to balance. And the High Priestess is the embodiment of the intuitive powers we discussed in yesterday's card. But, to me it also says she stands in that place between black and white. Which is the meaning I want to address in today's entry. 

In both of the Two of Swords cards you've seen, the woman's head is centered between two equal and opposing things...the hands on the Victorian Romantic version and the Swords on the Rider Waite Smith. Somewhere in that intersection between the two extremes is where truth lies. All three of the major arcana cards I've discussed today are focused around truth in different ways...the practical facts of Justice, the spiritual truths of judgement and the intuitive truths of the High Priestess. What all these cards are telling us is that truth lies within shades of gray (cue the jokes about 50 Shades of Gray). 

You see it all the time. Someone is surly and antisocial. So they're a monster, a psychopath, evil incarnate. Or a restaurant has really good pasta, so you've got to go there, everything on the menu is fabulous! We tend to place judgments on people, situations and things based on black and white views of the world. The truth is rarely black or white. The surly person might give of themselves in other ways. And the restaurant might have a really bad cheesesteak. I would like to say "nothing is all good or all bad", but even that statement is an absolute! 

Though I sometimes find myself placing people at things at extremes, it's a bit of a pet peeve of mine. I really don't like the way we demonize some people and deify others. We not only do them a disservice, but we do ourselves one, too. Because we never see the truth. More importantly, though, we put greater distance between ourselves and our god.

A couple of days ago the US commemorated the day when "the evil doers came and attacked our innocent country." That is how many Americans feel. But the thing is, every interaction and every drama we have with someone else reflects something back on us. And when we demonize our opposition and deify ourselves, we hold that reflection away from us, as though it has nothing to do with us. 

Denied in all the violence of that day was a message about the way we're seen in the world. Certainly it was an extreme message and an extreme expression. And I, in no way, excuse what they did or accuse the victims. This isn't about that. It's about how, when we demonize others, we miss the reflection. We say, "that is not me, I am good, they are bad, I am reasonable, they're fanatics." 

The truth is America's not all good. Some of the things the terrorists had to say about our ego focused, money driven society were true. A few blocks away and a few years later, another unfriendly plot was being hatched against our citizens by Wall Street. We may have been taken by surprise by the crash of our economy, but do you think the jihadists were? Of course not. They've been trying to tell us who we are for years. But we didn't listen. Because they're crazy evil doers and we're doers of good. Just ask all the families we've given mosquito nets to in third world countries.

When we say, "all those criticisms are outside of me, they have nothing to do with me, I have no control over their opinions"—when we refuse to listen and see what's being reflected back—we keep the door open for more aggression to happen. When we demonize our detractors, we, in that one simple act, absolve ourselves of responsibility in the dynamic. If god is everywhere and everything, we can't disconnect from others by placing them separate from us. They're not. We are all part of, and a product of, god. We are all of the same stuff, just in slightly different shades of gray with no pure black or white among us.

I don't mean this to be about 9/11 or good and evil, but more to illustrate what we do when we ignore shades of gray. Those men who flew into the towers had families that they loved. They were doing this as part of a holy war in their minds. They were doing this out of devotion to their beliefs.We can debate all day about how screwed up that is, just as we can debate how screwed up America was to enslave men and women based on our beliefs. The fact remains, they were not all bad. And we're not all good. Black and white are only reference points to enable all the gray in between. 

So, in all my story above, we see how the Two of Swords can indicate a mind split into dualistic thinking and show us that our head should rest somewhere in the area between. We can see how the truth lies between those extremes and the role intuition and divine fairness play throughout the twos. And we can also see how black and white thinking is another way of holding others and our god at arm's length. If we're going to evolve and if we're ever going to change the way this crappy world operates, we need to ditch the dualistic thinking that holds our growth at bay and begin to understand ourselves and others in a more divinely intimate way. 

9/12/12—Seeing Within

Today's Draw: Two of Swords from the Victorian Romantic Tarot. Are you on the fence about a decision? Is your indecision driving you batty all throughout the noggin? Is it possible that there's something in the big picture you're failing to see?

For today's look at the Two of Swords, I'm going to use the traditional meaning for the card. Or perhaps I should say one of the traditional meanings for the card. Which means I'm also going to include the traditional image so you can see what I'm talking about. 

Quite different from the one we've looked at the last couple of days, huh? She's blindfolded. And while you would think that would make her more vulnerable, she doesn't seem nearly as vulnerable as she does in the Victorian Romantic's version. For one thing, she's sitting, so she's quite stable. For another, the turbulent skies behind her are gone. And, let's get down to brass tacks. The real reason she looks less vulnerable is because that chick is totally armed to the hilt with those ten-foot-long mammajammas she's holding! :D

Twos in tarot are all about balance and choice. So whatever suit you're in, the twos bring a second thing into the picture that brings balance and a choice. In the cups, it's about meeting your "other half" and choosing love. In pentacles, it's about choosing to balance resources. In wands, it's weighing your options so you can make a balanced decision. And in the swords, it signals two thoughts or ideas, each of which have equal, and sometimes opposing, appeal. 

This is our REAL image of the week.

Somewhere inside you, there's a tie that needs to be broken...a split decision that needs to be resolved. Some consider the blindfold to indicate something you're not seeing. Some consider it an aid in objectivity. Either way, my thought about this version of the card is that all your focus and energy is going into the debate in your head. But there is another factor plastered all over the card that you may be missing—your intuition, represented by both the moon and water. Perhaps that's why she wears the blindfold. To see within. 

Swords is one of the most difficult suits of the tarot because it deals with all that noise inside our heads. Sometimes we get so caught up in strategy and thought and fairness and weighing things that we forget to consult our inner muse. Where does your intuition want you to go? Where are the tides you pulling you personally? Forget about what you *think*. What do you KNOW?

The Two of Swords comes along to reassure us that we have what we need to make the right decision. We just need to make it. But it also tells us that, try as we might to make a decision where everyone wins, swords cut both ways. So if you're holding out for a decision without consequences, you'll be suffering at the edge of life's vast saltwater pond for quite some time. Capice?

9/11/12—Assessing Our Boundaries

Today's Draw: Two of Swords from the Victorian Romantic Tarot. Do you know someone who puts up so many boundaries you just can't connect with them on a deeper level? Is it possible you have a boundary or two that really doesn't serve you? Or, conversely, is it possible your boundaries aren't strong enough?

It's day two of One Card Challenge week and I'm going to go with my favorite meaning of this particular Two of Swords, holding back the world. That's the meaning that comes with the guidebook to this deck, yet it's still not the traditional meaning of the card. To me "holding back the world" connotes two things, both having to do with boundaries. One is a sort of "stop the world, I want to get off" kind of thing where you just can't take any more stimuli and you have to shut doors for a short time. The other is a permanent wall you erect to draw boundaries of protection. 

The good side of boundaries is that they show lines that others can't cross. These are the lines that keep users, abusers, haters, energy vampires and other na'er-do-wells at bay. Being lax on your boundaries with people that don't match your vibe just invites them in. Every time you say "don't do xyz" and then proceed to allow the other party to do xyz without consequence, you not only lose respect and your integrity, buy you also push your boundaries out further and further, enabling more and more "abuse". So when it comes to deal breakers in relationships, it's good to have strong boundaries and follow through on them.

The downside of boundaries is that you can have ones so firm that they push everyone away. I used to have a friend who never turned on her phone and was only available by email during work hours. If you had an issue and needed to talk, it would only happen after she retrieved her phone messages, and then when she felt like returning the call. Essentially you had to make an appointment at least 24 hours in advance to access her friendship. This was not the person to call if you were ever in jail, bleeding or in need of shoulder to cry on. She was only available for good times, and on her terms. 

So people can draw boundaries so tight that their interactions with others can't make it past the superficial. But not all unhealthy boundaries are so obvious. We often disguise them. For example, there's the person who gets sexually intimate early in a relationship because it keeps the risk of emotional intimacy at bay. Or the person who over-shares so you'd never suspect their REAL issue. What looks like loose boundaries might actually be there to hold you back from discovering the real secrets. 

Usually the last thing we consider when we have unsatisfactory relationships is that we might actually be part of the problem. The last thing we ask is how our own boundaries might be contributing to the repeating cycles in our lives. Sometimes we catch a glimpse of those boundaries and decide they're ok. After all, we're all allowed to draw lines in the sand. But when we're not happy with the quality of our relationships, we owe it to ourselves to ask "where might my boundaries—or laxity with my boundaries—be to blame?"

There are many ways that we try to "hold back the world". The Two of Swords acknowledges that there are circumstances under which we need to temporarily erect physical, spiritual, social or psychological defenses. But when those defenses become part of our day to day routine, it's time to assess whether they're doing more harm than good.