9/18/13—Being a Man

Today's Draw: Emperor from the Tarot of the Hidden Realm in the Success position from the Deck of 1000 Spreads. What does "being a man" mean to you? How do you define a successful life? Do you have any "atypical" or "unlikely" Emperors in your life?

Yesterday (9/17) was my brother J's 55th birthday. He didn't live to see it. He died a year ago last spring of lung cancer. 

He and I didn't always get always get along. There was a time when we were good buddies. But in the years leading up to his death, I didn't like being around him. His sense of humor could be very biting and hurtful. To me, it was abusive. And I felt a need to be "in a good place" emotionally before I put myself before him. And I was rarely in such a place that I would invite that. I'm a sensitive person. You can call me a lot of names and not pierce my armor. But siblings know each other well enough to know what buttons to push. 

Straight up, this caused tension felt by the whole family. I am someone who radiates a lot of energy and my anxiety about being around my brother spread to others in the family. I'm not the only one who didn't like to be around him. And there are those in the family that were completely unfazed by him. And the person who bore the brunt of the teasing over the years was my brother R, who's gay. J would always have a gay joke ready to tell. And it didn't bother R one bit. They were best friends. R thought it was funny. Different people respond to things differently. 

When someone dies, we rarely ever speak ill of them. But truth is, this is one dimension of who J was. And it was the dimension that shaped my relationship with him for many years. Until he was told he was going to die. The minute we heard "lung cancer", years of hurt fell to the wayside. And J made sure I knew how much he loved me. And I made sure he knew how sorry I was anything that transpired between us. We were, after all, siblings. 

But there's more truth to who my brother was. Many years back he lost his job as a professional. And he was out of work for a long time. He spent that time as a house husband. My brother, the "chauvinist jock", as he was considered in the family, took a back seat to his wife, who was the main bread winner. And while he was a smart guy and capable of so much, that was the role he played in the family...the "traditionally female" role of the one with the lower salary and more time to spend with the kids. 

And you know what? He was the best damned daddy to his four kids—way more attentive and emotionally involved than his own father. He coached his son in sports. He supported his girls in all their activities. Many of his daughters' friends considered him a second father. All his kids are all high achievers, like he was. I would venture to say he never missed an important moment in his kid's lives. There are boxes of photos to prove it. Those kids worship this man. And as it turned out, his entire community lauded him. I've never seen so many people show up for a funeral before. My elderly uncles even showed up, a tribute to all the funerals J attended as the representative of our branch of the family. He was loved, respected and admired more than he ever knew. And his wife...anyone who is still that loved after 25 years is doing something right. 

So one of the things I want to say about this pairing today is that my brother's life was a big success. He manned a very successful family—a wife and four kids who thought he hung the moon. He wasn't the richest or most "corporate" guy on the block. He wasn't always the most sensitive to others' feelings. But when it came to his family and his community, the man left nothing on the table. He went all in and had the love and support to show for it. 

When I first saw this Emperor card, the Shakespearean quote "uneasy is the head that wears the crown" came to mind. And that's what made me think of J. Because the mantle he had to carry on his shoulders those five or six months between learning he had cancer and dying, was quite heavy indeed. He was a lifelong smoker. He was young. His kids were teens. His wife needed him. His one boy (in a house with four females) hadn't yet become a man. And he couldn't stay to help. He had to leave everything he built over 25 years. I can't even imagine how hard the responsibility of that must have been for him to bear. 

And instead of going out angry or bitter, he went out with grace. He made amends. He made sure everyone knew he loved them. He got his ducks in a row. The Emperor is about leadership and responsibility. My brother didn't live in a McMansion. He didn't have a bunch of degrees. His last job was doing security for the school system. I'm guessing he was smarter and better educated than most of his peers, but I'm certain they never felt that way. In his humble way, he stood out as a leader. A beacon for those who knew him and needed him. His job made it so his kids always had a parent to come home to. And when it came time to accept that his life was going to end, he went bravely and gracefully. That's what being a man is.

I lost my parents 30 years ago. I know what it's like to lose someone you love. But I wasn't prepared for what it was to lose a sibling. For 49 years, I was one of six kids. That was an identity for me. Now I'm one of five. Someone I had known and shared a life with for 49 years was gone. I had no idea how much this would hurt and continue to hurt. You expect to lose parents. But you never really thinking about losing your siblings until one is gone. 

A few days before my brother died he had an episode that landed him in the hospital. It was a Monday night and I called R and told him to rush down to me via the subway so we could go see him together. J had mentioned a month earlier that he loved my chocolate chip cookies and my fried chicken. You think you're always going to have time to cook something up, but you never do. So I hurriedly made a batch of cookies while I was waiting for R. It was naive, in a way, because J was too sick to eat. But we got to the hospital and when I saw J, he pulled me to the side and whispered in my ear, "go to the gift shop and see if they have any beer." I laughed and said I doubted they sold beer at the hospital gift shop. He was pretty delirious. But I do think he wanted a beer...haha. 

I knew I would never see him again. Some things you just know. So before I left, I made sure I told him I loved him. And then I told him that he had fought hard and now it was OK to let go. He said he loved me. And that was the last I saw of him. 

A few days later I spoke to my brother M, who drove down that night to see J before he died. M mentioned to me that J had eaten a chocolate chip cookie in front of him, probably the last thing he ever ate. He gave me forgiveness and freedom from all the issues I'd had with him for so many years. Baking cookies was all I could do in return. Because my mother worked, I was the family cook for part of J's life. I think eating that cookie was a final nod to what lay beneath 49 years of history between us. It was his final gift to his baby sister. And it will forever make me smile. 

9/17/13—Finding Out You're Not Alone

Today's Draw: Moon + Ship + Stork from the hand-painted Lenormand Stones by Robyn Tisch Hollister. Have you ever listened to someone else's problem and, though you have had the same issue, not shared your story with them? Think of something from your past that you don't share with others...why do you not talk about it? And if you're on the other/finished side of menopause, what's the good/bad/ugly that those of us who aren't there need to know?

Reading Lenormand can be a very straightforward process of converting a card into a keyword and simply reading a sentence across however many cards you have. So if Moon=Recognition, Ship=Travel and Stork=Progress, then you have a sentence that reads, "recognition and travel bring progress" or "recognition progresses through travel" or some variation thereof.

If you're just learning Lenormand, you'll hear that there is no intuition in reading it. That it's straightforward. But that's not true. Instead of your intuition coming from visual cues, as it does with tarot, your intuition is put into use by what keywords you use and how you combine them to answer the question.

Each Lenormand card comes with a number of keywords that can apply. For example, while the Moon usually talks about fame and recognition, it can also speak of creativity, femininity, cycles, psychic ability and the arts. Ship usually suggests travel, but it can also signify a foreigner, separation, longing, departure or transition. And the Stork may usually signify progress or childbirth, but it can also speak to  milestones, restlessness and change.

So, unfortunately for the male readers, my first intuition when I got this combo was to talk about menopause (cycles departing and bringing changes to fertility).

Throughout their 40s, women go through perimenopause, which is basically a slow torture of disturbing medical symptoms that could signal anything from a bad day to impending death. (I should note the experience is easier or worse, faster or slower, depending on the individual.) You might have trouble sleeping for a few months at a time. Or maybe you wake each night in a pool of sweat. Or the refrigerator section of the grocery store suddenly feels alarmingly hot. Or you're fine and happy one minute and a raving shrew the next.

I call it a slow torture because you don't get all the symptoms at once. They come and go over as many as 10 years time before you even miss your first period. You can take all sorts of supplements and medications if you're into that. Or you can white knuckle it as I've done so far, seeking help only for the depression and mood swings.

Then comes the waiting as you cross your fingers and count missed periods until you've gone a year. That's the menopause part. And it's another slow torture because all it takes is one spot of blood to start you counting all over again. I got all the way to 9 before I had to start all over again this month. All of this is the thanks you get for being able to grow a baby in your body. Our periods are part of both a miracle and a burden women bear and we rarely ever talk about it.

Remember back in the days when women were institutionalized and given shock therapy for having "gone mad"? I'll bet many of them were on hormonal swings from either childbirth or menopause. Having experienced it myself, it does feel like you're going out of your mind. I wonder how many could have been spared by simply talking honestly with other women about what is a very natural phenomena.

I know when I first started experiencing the sleepless nights, I had no idea it was perimenopause. I was only 40. My doctor said it was because I was stressed and needed more exercise. After about 6 months with virtually no sleep, I was at my wit's end. Then I started sleeping. As suddenly and inexplicably as I had stopped. Until then, I had no idea what perimenopause was, how long it could last or what the symptoms are. My mother never spoke of it. My sisters, my friends...nobody said a word.

Today there are women out there who have been raped or abused or had an abortion and who feel all alone because nobody talks. On the flip side, there are women who have become CEOs and astronauts who never share how they got where they are. It's not so much that they don't want to help others, but they're either embarrassed or traumatized or whatever. These are things we don't talk about. There is a woman I know who has reached a goal I would like to reach and I have some rather personal questions to ask her about it. I've tried to ask a few times. I've known her for over 20 years. She's not talking.

You have no idea how much your story can help another....especially when it involves the things that embarrass us, shame us or are difficult to talk and ask about. These are things others need to hear. It doesn't have to be blogged about, just talked about. And if you're afraid of being betrayed and your secret getting out, I get that. But it might also help you be less ashamed because you'd find out you're not alone, either. 

I share a lot of things on this blog for precisely those reasons. Some things are hard for me to put out there in perpetuity on the net. But I do it because I've always been fascinated about the things we just don't talk about...traumas, mourning, operations, bodily mishaps, addictions, depression, embarrassing events. That said, there are some things I keep to myself. I'm willing to share, but not with the entire world. Not yet.

I often wonder how the world would be different if we all dropped our facades and allowed others to see our struggles and fears...our imperfections. All the energy we spend trying to maintain the image we've created for ourselves...what could we do with that? If we knew everyone was deeply flawed, how would that change the way we felt about ourselves? Just food for thought. 

9/16/13—Embracing All of Who We Are

Today's Draw: Chariot from the Badger's Forest Tarot in the Hopes and Fears position from the Deck of 1000 Spreads. Do you acknowledge your personal dichotomies? Do you tend to hide certain things about yourself and promote other things? What would happen if others saw the good, bad and ugly sides of your humanity?

The Chariot is a card of movement and motion. Depending on the card, I sometimes read it as being pulled in two different directions or trying to get divergent agendas moving in a single direction. It is a card of goal-directed energy, control and, sometimes, victory. 

As I look at this card, I imagine this rat fell in the water as the approaching storm loomed, and he found a ferry of sorts to lead him to safety. Sometimes you don't want someone else driving the bus, but you also don't have the energy or want the responsibility to drive it yourself. So it becomes a two-edged sword. 

Consider the swan. It's doing all the work and putting up with a rat on its back that doesn't trust it to do what it does naturally...swim. And the rat, who is usually in control of their own gig has to give control over and trust the swan because its not a good enough swimmer to survive choppy waters. Both are compromised. Both are in unfamiliar circumstances. Both are exposed to each other in a vulnerable state. But both have agreed to a goal and they move forward together. 

In a way, hopes and fears are like those opposing forces we must tame in order to move forward. To move forward on hope alone could prove foolish because you're not on the lookout for things that could hobble you. But if all you have is fear, you won't take that first step because there's no hope to spur you along. You need that friction between hope and fear to power your dream forward and you need to tame both so they can move forward in harmony. 

We're full of divergent polarities—dark and light sides, sadness and happiness, strength and weakness. There's usually one side of the dichotomy that we want to deny, preferring to be seen as the happy strong one operating on the light side. But we need both sides to produce the friction that keeps moving us forward. 

Being conscious and being a spiritual warrior means putting aside the ego concerns that make you want to appear to be the happy, strong, light one, and understanding the role the other side plays in your life. It means allowing others to see you as weak, sad and dark if that's where you're landing this week. 

On the fears side it means letting others see you as the complex, real human being you are. On the hopes side, it means being fully seen by the world and loved anyway.

9/14/13-9/15/13—Putting Something New Into Motion

Weekend Reading: Child + Mechanism from the Breath of the Night oracle. Something you put into motion this weekend will grow to become part of a well oiled machine in your life. So if you begin a health routine, conditions are favorable for it to become well established. Likewise, if you begin an argument with your mate, it's also likely to grow into a well-established rift. So be careful what you put into motion because it's likely to have a snowball effect. And once the snowball starts rolling, it could be hard to stop!

9/13/13—Greeting the Guiding Hand of God

Today's Draw: Hierophant from the Badger's Forest Tarot in the Underlying Influences position from the Deck of 1000 Spreads. Do you recognize the influence of a higher power in your life? How do you receive guidance...in whispers or bangs? How deeply do you think that influence goes in guiding your everyday life?

Traditionally, the Hierophant in the tarot was called the Pope. And he was the dude who preached the church's version of God, as the church wanted it preached. So his own personal relationship with God, if it veered from his religious teachings, were not brought forth. In that sense, I see this version of the Hierophant as being about religion and dogma and not about spirituality (which I define as one's personal knowledge of God). 

But that's not how I see the Hierophant. The word comes from ancient Greek and talks about someone who interprets the great mysteries of life. So while he still might be a priest, the difference is that he teaches his interpretation and not the interpretation of an organized body, such as the Catholic Church. While it's just a difference in details, it means a world of difference in the way I see the card. His own wisdom and free thought comes into play. And "interpreting mysteries" is a more accurate way of presenting information about God than "mandating beliefs", which is what I feel organized religion does. When it's just an interpretation of a mystery, then you're allowing that it's "your answer" and not "THE answer". 

Before I veer off into a rant about religious freedom and how the world has gone way off track when it comes to everyone thinking their way is the ONLY way, let's consider the Hierophant in the position of Underlying Influences. When I first saw these two cards together, I thought about "the invisible hand that guides us". Which is a mystery in and of itself. 

Among those who believe in a higher power, I'd guess most believe in the notion of interaction with this higher power. I believe each of us is surrounded by signs, omens, winks and nudges that could be considered "an invisible hand guiding us" toward where we need to be. We all have stories about odd coincidences and intuitions that served to protect and/or guide us. Those little whispers pale in comparison to bigger ones, like the travel snafu that caused Seth McFarlane to miss his plane on 9/11—the same plane Mark Wahlberg was supposed to be on—saving both of their lives. 

We're all familiar with the guidance that comes in both whispers and booms, but consider the guidance that's so silent as to be "invisible". Like when something spontaneously makes you hold your tongue, rather than your spill your guts, as usual. Or when you're grocery shopping and throw something odd into your cart without really thinking. I often wonder, really how much guidance are we given? And who is giving it? Is it a higher being or just our higher selves? And is there even a difference between the two?

Personally I don't think there's a second of our lives that is lived without "the guiding hand" near. We always have the option to choose differently. I don't believe everything is laid before us and we're just following a script. But I do think the more we listen and live in trust of the higher power, the more we dance and sway to its guidance. Which is why I think so much of it goes unnoticed. The guide only gets loud when it needs to. 

What do you think about all of this? What might you have done automatically today that, when thinking back on it, showed some sort of higher wisdom than what you're used to leveraging on your own? For me it was holding my tongue...haha. How deeply do you think the underlying influence of the higher power goes?

9/12/13—Fighting Ourselves

Today's Draw Classic*: Ten of Swords from the Norse Tarot. Are you riled up, ready to fight? Are you justified in your anger? Or is it even anger at all? And is it a battle worth fighting?

Traditionally, the Ten of Swords is a card of utter defeat. But not in the Norse Tarot. It's just not the Viking way. Our hero is well armed to do battle. And you get the sense that, even if he's up against alarming odds, he could possibly win. But is it a battle worth fighting?

Almost all of my anger is actually hurt. It happens when someone has rubbed up against one of my fears…fear of abandonment, fear of not being accepted. It's one thing to fight from a secure position. Fighting from a place of security is more often debate and doesn't require an arsenal.

But fighting from a position of insecurity…well, who or what are you really fighting? And what spoils rain down on you if you win? I'd venture to say most of our battles are with ourselves. We lash out at a supermarket checker who has to look up the code for broccoli because we're annoyed at the way we've planned our day. We yell at our partner for coming home late because we feel abandoned and need more attention. In essence, we're trying to heal a broken leg by walking on it. And, often, the fight just puts more distance between us and what we're trying to achieve and receive.

I've been feeling a little riled myself lately. Over the past few months, the trust I've placed in a friend and, in another situation, a business associate, has been betrayed. And telling the other person off really isn't working. In one case the person manufactured an out-and-out lie, blaming me for something she'd done herself. In the other, the dude is in complete denial about a lie they told me to get me to commit to something. In both cases there's really nothing I can do about it. It's hitting on all my own past hurts and present insecurities. Each made bad choices that I'm left paying for and, outside of revenge, which is not an option for me spiritually, there's no recourse. This makes me even more angry. 

But my desire to lash out and expose them publicly...haha...is coming from my own victim mentality. Nobody likes to admit to that, but it's often the truth. These situations come to us precisely to heal all that old stuff that they push up against. And they often mirror things back to us that we'd rather not see. In some ways, my issue with them is really an issue with myself. And while both know exactly how I feel, I haven't gone all Real Housewives on their asses. And won't. When I deal with these people next, it will come from a place of neutrality and/or compassion.

And that's the kicker, isn't it? How often do we approach ourselves with the same love and understanding we give to others? Until we really understand what is beneath our compulsion to fight with another, we're just spinning in space, having fight after fight until we finally "get it". So ask yourself what you're really fighting. And if that means you lay down your swords and open up your tears, do it. Then show yourself some of the love and compassion you show others. The best way to defeat the negative forces in your life is to heal yourself.

*Modified from a post on 4/12/11

9/11/13—Becoming a Spiritual Ninja Warrior

Today's Draw: Three of Swords from the Art of Life Tarot. Do you feel embattled and defeated by life on your spiritual journey? Have you reached a point where you feel good about your progress and don't see the cost-benefit of moving on? Or are you a spiritual ninja, set on soldiering on?

Today's entry is going to be a quick one, because I worked late. But when I pulled this card, I thought about this show I'm watching on TV called American Ninja Warrior. It is TOTALLY not something I would usually watch, but I caught it one night and got hooked.

On the show, men and women compete through a series of grueling obstacle courses that are a test of strength, agility, endurance and spirit. No American has ever completed the course, known as Mount Midoriyama. And only three people on earth have ever completed it. 

This isn't American Ninja Weekend Warrior...haha. These people devote their lives to training for this event and one slip of the hand means they have to wait another year to try again. The competitors are zero body fat types from sports like rock climbing, parkour and gymnastics. As you watch, you see story after story and hope after hope crushed as any mere glimmer of imperfection sends them splashing into the waters below.

If this sounds familiar, it's because life can be like this. Smooth sailing through seas of everlasting peace can be considered the Mount Midoriyama of the spiritual set. And like the American Ninja Warriors, we have pick ourselves up after each fall and continue training for our next try at life's obstacle course. 

The quote on today's card is from Ralph Waldo Emerson and it reads, "Difficulties exist to be surmounted." And while I might contend that they exist to teach us lessons, we need to learn those lessons in order to surmount the difficulties. Then the next time we're on the course, we might go farther before our imperfections cause us to slip. 

Some will quit after a while, defeated by obstacles. Some will be happy with how far they've gone along their path and choose not to go further. But the ninja...the ninja soldiers on.