4/7/14—Feeling Like Your Old Self

Not that long ago, I spoke about some new medications I had to take. And I was reading up on the thyroid medication on a website and it said, "within a couple of weeks, you should start to feel like your old self again." 

Reading this brought up so much emotion, it made me cry. It suddenly hit me how long it had been since I "felt like my old self".... a self that could concentrate on things, wasn't ruled by hormonal fluctuations and didn't have to sleep all the time. 

When you're overweight and menopausal, good luck telling a doctor that you feel foggy, can't seem to lose weight and are exhausted all the time. They'll diagnose you as overweight and menopausal. And while I've been suspecting thyroid issues for years, I've never tested out of the broad scope considered normal until now. And guess what? Now I have. And now that I'm on the medication, I'm finally starting to feel like my old self again. So one lesson I've learned recently is that you should listen to your friends who say you have to advocate for your own health. Doctors make up their minds about things and if you feel deeply inside that it's something else, you need to get another opinion. 

But that's just an aside. What I'm really here to talk about today is "your old self." Sometimes your old self slips away so gradually that you just end up living with a new self thinking, "what has happened to me?" Maybe this is because of depression. Or too many demands placed on your life. Or from surrounding yourself with the wrong people. Or from some engrossing life event. Or a chemical imbalance, like with thyroid disease. 

In this case, your "old self" is a beacon of hope that you may one day feel good again and that whatever has been dogging you for months or years will come to an end. In other cases, we WANT our old selves to end...we want to replace the undesirable old self with a shiny new one. Sometimes it's a normal function of growth. But other times it's something we're running away from, are ashamed of or want to put in the past. So we consciously abandon or even deny our old selves. 

A wise and wonderful friend of mine recently changed her name—not to deny her old self, but to recapture it. I've always known her by her nickname, but she has a longer name she hasn't gone by since she was young. She told me that when she was a child, she felt ugly, depressed, cowardly, self-conscious and unlovable. She identified those feelings with her given name. And when she got older, she coined a nickname for herself that she thought was perky, upbeat, cute and popular. She denied that other girl, and became a new one. 

Recently this woman went through some life-threatening health issues. As part of her recovery, she changed her diet and she changed her name. She is choosing to reclaim her old self and embrace it. 

When we deny parts of ourselves, we can create illness...just as illness can cause us to lose parts of ourselves. We often forget to acknowledge why or how that old self served us. For example, a part of myself that I like to shove aside was very self conscious and obsessed with how she looked. She wore lots of makeup and always looked great. But inside she was missing the substance I have in my life now. So I cast her aside. 

And, frankly, I drifted to the opposite side of the spectrum. I could use to care more about what I look like these days. That woman served a purpose for me then, to show me that despite all the years of feeling unattractive and unlovable as a child, being pretty wasn't the answer either. It felt just as empty. So I cast her aside and eventually learned where my true value lay. But I also threw out the baby with the bathwater. I stopped caring so much about how I looked.

So maybe consider your old self this week. Have you lost a part of yourself that you want back? Have you denied a part of yourself and, perhaps, denied the purpose that self served? Is it time to reclaim or reintegrate a part of yourself long set aside? If you believe everything has a purpose, then there's no such thing as wasted time or effort. As we seek to know ourselves better, we can only go so far if we deny who we are or were. Your old self is just as much your true self (possibly even more so) as who you are now. All the parts complete the picture of you. 

This Wednesday there will be a guest blog from our guest bloggers, Sparky and Goddess, on equanimity. I'll be back for the one you'll on Thursday night or Friday. 

4/4/14—Doing Nothing All Wrong

I have a terribly deep and thought-provoking idea to share with you, but I'm just too busy tonight to share it. So you're getting a classic post from earlier in the year instead. And, considering the circumstances, it's kind of an ironic classic post, too.... 

I've been thinking a lot lately about why it never seems like any amount of vacation or down time ever seems to be enough. I suppose there could be a lot of reasons for that. I'm burned out. I don't get good quality sleep. I spend much of my time off running around making up for the things I didn't do because I was busy before. 

All of those are good reasons, but I've discovered another one recently. And it's that the time that does get spent as downtime is time I feel guilty about. Guilty, because there's always something else I could be doing. There's always something left on my to-do list. And so when I truly do nothing, my head is filled with thoughts of how much more productive I *could* be. I just don't let myself savor it. Does this sound familiar to you?

Don't get me wrong. I have plenty of down time. More than most people because I don't commute to a job and don't necessarily work a full day every day. But little of it is quality time. Either I'm multi-tasking, such as watching TV and picking stuff up around the house. Or I'm laying here comatose, unwilling to do anything else and beating myself up about it because of all the stuff I COULD be doing but am not. The only time I ever seem to be in the moment and relaxed and enjoying my downtime is when I sit outside and meditate at night. And even then my mind wanders sometimes. 

So there are two things going goofy here. One is feeling guilty about doing nothing. And the other is is overstimulation/multitasking/worries that take me out of the moment, effectively voiding the effects of downtime. 

Too often I think we think of rest and relaxation the same way we do dessert...if and when you have it, you have it after everything else is eaten. And sometimes you don't eat it. It's an indulgence. A treat. 

When did this become OK? Why did I let it be OK? And was it ever any different? 

Truth is, I'm pretty sure we weren't sent down here to work all the time. And what logic does it make that downtime and relaxation...recharging....would be a last resort—something to do only when everything else is done? How come rest and enjoyment never even makes it to the To Do list, much less rises to the top of it? Why doesn't life work the other way around, meaning that when we're busying ourselves with work and errands and little tasks we're not feeling guilty about not relaxing more? If not now, when do we become fully present and aware in the time that's the fruit of all our toil?

I like feeling busy and accomplished a lot as much as the next guy. And it would be wonderful to have absolutely nothing left on that To Do list. But I'm not sure that will ever happen. So if I have to "earn my way" to relaxation by doing it only after everything else is done, I'll never have fun! And I'd like to feel just as accomplished and productive from doing nothing as I am from doing lots of crap. After all, downtime recharges us, it reduces stress (which improves health), it allows us to pursue our diverse interests and it makes life more worthwhile. Shouldn't that be a star on the To Do list, along with "make money" and "clean house"?

Maybe I'm alone in this. But I don't think I'm alone at not being fully present and in the moment in life. That alone—whether being present in work or play—makes us more vital. So what's your story? Do you enjoy guilt-free, fully present down time? Or are you doing it all wrong just like me? At 50 I'm thinking more and more about what all of this is for and I'm pretty sure it's not to live from one busy weekend to the next. 

4/2/14—Discussing Karma

Today's blog post is actually a radio show I participate in on Blog Talk Radio with two of my friends. Both are  spiritual teachers and long-time friends of mine. We're doing this once a month and this is our second one. It's mostly about karma and rules and laws and what is "right" and "wrong" according to society. It was a very interesting talk and went off on some interesting spiritual tangents.

Take a listen!










You can hear it at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/3muses/2014/03/31/3-muses-and-karma

3/31/14—Exploring Your Inner Fear

Consider for a moment that there are only two things human behavior is made up of—love and fear. And every choice you make is either one or other. If you're not choosing to love, you're choosing fear. And if you're not choosing fear, you're choosing to love. 

Why love and fear? Because love is love. And fear is the absence of love. Love is a divine trust that everything is beautiful and perfect as it is. Fear is an absence of trust that everything is beautiful and perfect as it is. 

Of course there's a spectrum...a little fear and a lot of fear. But whenever you're not

choosing love, you're choosing fear.

That person you hate? It's not really hate. It's fear that what you dislike in that person is also within you...fear of what you'll do with that realization...fear that you are not yet who you wish to be...fear that you are not who you represent yourself to be. 

We all contain the capacity for the full spectrum of dark and light within us. Whenever we see a behavior in a person that we don't like, we say "that is separate from me." But there is nothing in god's universe separate from you. There may be behaviors you don't exhibit or places you don't go, but the capacity is within you. And denying that what you hate in others is not within you fractures you, holds you captive, keeps you separate from god and keeps you from loving and embracing yourself. And the more you deny being that which you hate, the more loudly you become that which you hate. That is the power of fear. 

If you can't see those dark parts that are mirrored back at you from your "enemy" with true understanding and if you can't look upon people you judge with the genuine grace of "there but for the grace of God go I", then you're not just in denial, you're choosing fear. And when you're choosing fear, you're choosing to distrust that everything is perfect as it is, you're choosing to distrust god's plan, you're choosing not to love, and as a result, you're choosing to live in the darkness within you and not in the light. When you live in the darkness within you, you're just a shade or two or three from the unspeakable atrocities you witness on this earth. 

The Westboro Baptist Church? Just a darker shade of fear than the shade you choose when you hate and separate. The KKK? Just a darker shade of fear. Hitler? Just a darker shade of fear. All, by the way, have some love mixed in and you should be able to see that, too. But all began as all babies do, with pure love. I always make allowances for those with the kind of genetic anomalies that cause mental illness. We all have genetic anomalies, though. Ours just resulted in funky ear lobes or a tendency to heart disease instead of mental illness (there but for the grace of god...) But fear is something we learn, not something we're born with. And when we turn toward fear instead of love, we run the risk of traversing into ever deeper shades. 

Beneath most negative emotions is fear. Behind happiness, joy, trust, acceptance and peace is love. Every choice you make that does not embrace the beauty of what "is", is a choice of fear. The traffic jam that makes you feel impatient. The person whose lifestyle you envy. The homeless person you judge. The weather conditions that "ruin" your picnic. Or the obstacle that vexes you. All of that is fear. All of that breeds separation. All of that exhibits a distrust in the universe...in your god. 

So as you walk through your week, consider the choices you're making. And when negative emotions well up, trace them back to the fear within and consider what a loving choice would be instead. And if you're reading this on Facebook, consider clicking through to my blog where you'll find more thought-provoking quotes on the topic of love vs. fear. :)

3/28/14—Practicing Unconditional Love

The other day I mentioned that a stranger smiled at me when I was on the verge "having a moment" in the drug store, and it made me feel like things were going to be all right. She had no way of knowing how I felt. She just smiled from her heart.

Later that day I saw a little girl in a restaurant. She seemed transfixed on me. Children of a certain age range, say birth to 5 or 6, tend to see something in me. I flatter myself by thinking they see a lovely aura or that they see guides around me. Anyway, she had that look. And as her mother walked her out of the restaurant, I smiled at the little girl as she walked past. Then she made a monster face at me and disappeared through the door.

I was sitting near the window, so as they walked by me again, I made a monster face back to her and she laughed. We were simpatico. I knew she was playing and she knew I was playing. And we had a secret little moment that her mother was completely unaware of.

Then today I was having really bad day. Just exhausted to the point that sitting here writing for my clients was painful and almost more energy than I had to expend. Allergies can sometimes do that to me, so maybe that's why. I've been on the verge of sleep and tears all day, but had deadlines to meet. Then I got an email from a friend saying wonderful things to me and giving me permission to feel exhausted without feeling guilty about dogs that need walks or anything else.

These little, seemingly mundane moments are far more important than they seem. The stranger in the drug store defused the emotion welling up in me. The little girl removed any lingering trace of negative feelings within me. The friend affirmed that I don't always have to do it all. 

Helping others doesn't have to cost money, it doesn't take an elaborate plan, it doesn't even require that you know the person or sense distress. It just means walking through life with an open heart, an encouraging smile or a kind gesture or word. You'll never know if your smile fell on deaf eyes or saved a life. And it doesn't matter. All it takes is to develop a practice of kindness and love within yourself, regardless of the other person and whether or not they mean anything to you.

One of the hardest and most rewarding spiritual lessons is unconditional love. Hard, because it requires you to love those society deems unlovable. Rewarding because it literally sets you free and transforms you spiritually. And it all starts with simple, kind shows of love like I described above. 

A smile alone can transform and even save a life. You very well may be the one bright light in someone's day. You don't have to always be the smiler. Sometimes you'll be the smilee. But either way, recognizing and appreciating you're part of a beautiful transaction can move you further down the path toward achieving universal unconditional love.

3/26/14—Giving Up The Fight

I come from a long line of stubborn folks. I believe it to be both our secret weapon and our undoing. I suppose it's possible to know when stubbornness will serve you and when it won't, but my reality is that sometimes I choose the wrong things to be stubborn about. I imagine there are also things out there that I could have been more stubborn about, to my advantage. 

An issue with my stubbornness came to a head this weekend. I might have mentioned before that I have diabetes. For a couple of years, I've been in a place where I'm at the low end of the spectrum. When I first found out I had the disease, I lost some weight and did all the right things. The result was that I moved myself back into the normal and healthy range. 

Then I don't know what happened. I suppose I got cocky. But I started eating the wrong things again. And before I knew it, all the weight I'd lost was back and my A1C number was back on the rise. The A1C is the critical number in diabetes. It tells your average blood sugar levels over a period of months. 

People talk about how you can diet and exercise and "cure" diabetes or "reverse" it. There really is no cure for diabetes. When the cells stop metabolizing sugars normally, the damage is done. What you CAN do is eat and exercise in such a way that you don't inundate your body with sugars your cells don't metabolize well. Doing so can bring you back into a healthy range. But you still have diabetes. Sooner or later the disease will progress. I'm sure there are some diabetics that die before diet and exercise alone ceases to work. But it's a progressive disease and eventually, according to my doctor, most people are going to need help. 

And therein lies the stubbornness. For about a year now, my doctor has been trying to get me to take the medication that helps. And I've been refusing. Because I KNOW I can bring my A1C numbers back into normal range through diet and exercise. The problem is, though, I haven't. I've been flailing around in "trying to get with the program", without actually ever getting with the program. My stubbornness is serving me in that I'm not giving up. But it's working against me in that the damage that diabetes can do to the kidneys isn't being abated. 

So, long story short, I get my tests back last week and now I need THREE medications—the one I've been refusing to take, the one that can help my kidneys and one that's probably not related. I hate being medicated, because I believe it's a trap. That's why I've been so stubborn. I don't want to start diabetes medication then get stuck on it after I've created the lifestyle changes I need to. But with my kidneys impacted, I need to swallow my pride. 

For a long time now, I've had the voice of a former Facebook friend of mine in my ears. He's a former Facebook friend because he died from complications from diabetes. He told me, "Tierney, I waited too long to do the right things. Don't wait too long." We need to learn when to give up pushing up against the things we don't want to deal with. We need to learn when to give up the fight...or at least trade it for a new one. His advice haunts me as I struggle internally with weight and food issues that have lasted an entire lifetime, knowing that if I can't break this cycle, it will literally be my undoing.

It's easy for thin people to say "just stop eating so much and exercise". That's like telling an anorexic to just stuff down the hamburger. Telling an alcoholic or smoker to just put the drink or cigarette down. Telling a cult member to just walk away. Most people see a lack of willpower. But it goes much deeper than that. And, having dieted and exercised myself thin before and maintained it for many years, I know that diet and exercise alone is not the answer. There's something in the head that needs to click. I know what I need to do, but can't manage to do it. I'm a former smoker and it took me many years of desperate attempts before I finally got it right. But I got it right. My food issues are just that much tougher to address. 

So anyway, I went to the drug store today to get my prescriptions filled. As I turned to leave the pharmacy, I was overcome with emotion. The pills in my hand represented defeat to me. I believe there was an angel there with me because the lady at the end of the pharmacy line gave me the loveliest and most genuine smile on my way out. She had no way of knowing the emotions swirling in my head. But her smile made me think things would be OK. 

As usual, there's a lesson in all of this. The lesson is that I had the doctor call me yesterday to explain my medications to me. It turns out that two of the three medications he put me on are known to help people lose weight. One of them is likely going to put an end to the exhaustion I've been fighting for a couple of years now that adds to my lack of motivation to move. So all my stubbornness was keeping me from the very thing that could help me. But it also might have helped reveal the unrelated issue that I've been wanting answers for for years. 

So in the end, it seems like things happened just as they were supposed to. As is the way of the universe. And after having the moment of tears over my bruised and humbled ego for not being able to fight this thing alone, I'm beginning to think that the angel at the back of the line is right. Everything's going to be all right. 

3/23/14—Putting Trust in the Walrus

I came across this photo of a walrus laying on top of a submarine hatch today and I have to say, I can identify. With the sailors, that is. Though there are times I also identify with the walrus. :)

The past couple of weeks have been a loud blend of blessing and curse. Where one stressor has been relieved, another has swooped in to take its place. Where progress is being made, obstacles fly in to even the score. And it's not happening in just one area of my life, but in multiple areas. 

It feels like I was finally getting things shored up on top of my submarine and some walrus comes along to sit on the hatch. When do you get to get to crawl inside this thing you've been working on and enjoy the ride? When do you get to take a step forward without taking two steps back?

Of course, I'm being over-dramatic. None of what's going on in my life is insurmountable. And when it comes down to brass tacks, I lead a pretty blessed life. But there are a few "best practices" I'm trying to get off the ground, like budgeting more and spending less, and exercising more and eating less. But then I find ways to cut my spending each month, only to have a dog tear up the lawn furniture. Or to get in a car and it won't start. It's frustrating. 

Things like spending less and eating less are areas where I have internal blocks I need to overcome. So it would be nice to have some affirmation from the universe. But I think at some point or another, the universe asks us to affirm ourselves. It's sticky wicket, though. Because are you encountering obstacles so you will persevere? Or are you encountering them because you're moving in the wrong direction? Only time will tell. 

If there's one thing I've learned along the way, it's that sometimes there's a big storm before the calm. And often when my mind gets overloaded and out of focus, it's right before a big leap forward. 

We all have moments where we just have to move forward on faith. The walrus on our hatch is definitely there for a reason. And, barring information otherwise, we have to assume he's there because there are things about these waters only he can show us, whether that involves dangers we may not see or a faster way home.