4/9/14—Exploring the Heart of Equanimity

Today's post is a guest post from Sparky and Goddess....

THE HEART OF EQUANIMITY & THE EQUANIMITY OF HEART  

Equanimity is a quality often discussed in a spiritual or philosophical context, but here Goddess and Sparky explore equanimity as a characteristic that can inform and transform perspectives around life and love!  

Sparky:  “Equanimity isn’t a quality we bring up or point out often.  We don’t hear someone say, “Wow… Did you notice how equanimous he or she was being tonight…”

Goddess:  “It’s defined here online as mental or emotional stability or composure, especially under tension or strain.  calmness, equilibrium.    that’s balance…   

synonyms are;  serenity, self-possession, aplomb, calmness of mind or temper - composure.  antonyms include;  panic, disquiet, discomposure, agitation.  those can sure throw a relationship out of whack!”

Sparky:  “Yeah they can.

To me, equanimity arises from love.  When we’re being equanimous, we’re open and we accept circumstances, events, people equally, without judging.  You’re not making something, or someone right or wrong.  You’re actually looking at something as it is, and you’re looking at others as they are.  It allows for the space of the actual experience instead of focusing on your mental data about it…  When you’re not crowding or covering up an experience with information or judgements, you’re more available to experience it.  Without equanimity, the habits of our brain activity tend to cover up the actual experience with accessing, connecting and making right or wrong/ good or bad of it.”  

Goddess:  “the first thing i’m feeling into is that non-equanimity is part of the ancient, conditioned pattern that is rooted in our tribal thinking which says that everything has to be a certain way and that we have to be right. and we are still tribal creatures in our current day relationships in many ways. we have to try to control by knowing how everything is going to go.  and we have to stick to those patterns because they’re going to keep us safe.  it perpetuates an identity myth - and this identity manifests by doing things a certain way.  we do things a certain way and if anything upsets the apple cart, it can threaten the tribe.  of course, it’s also about efficiency - attempting to streamline the activities in your life which also enforces predictability.  people like predictability.”   

Sparky:  “Yes, and that points to the culture which can be great if it’s being practiced consciously, but it can also be limiting when it becomes merely a habit - a stored mental pattern.  That pattern doesn’t really honor the culture at all.  As within the tribal identity you referred to, the habit is reinforced in a by-product of the culture that’s exhibited when we react in a certain, preconditioned way to things.  That by-product defaults straight to the good/bad, right/wrong paradigm.  That’s what gets all the energy and then the result limits any actual experience.  By introducing equanimity, we allow for more clarity, creativity and adaptability… We live more fully and are more open to the life experience!”

Goddess:  “.........yes, instead of responding in a pre-programmed way..”

“another thing i have experienced as non-equanimous, ha - that sounds funny...are people who fly off the handle at any kind of disruption or any kind of change or any kind of interference in the environment or in the ambience.  it becomes all about them and their judgments and their reactions to it.  a barking dog, heavy traffic or some other experience gets framed around them and their role or reaction to it.  there’s a lot of control going on in that.  we’ve all been around those people who, when they fly off the handle, everyone jumps and scrambles to make it better for that person.”

Sparky:  “Oh yeah… A few are coming to mind right now!  

But, back to equanimity…  When we practice it, it takes us out of our heads to access “the correct” conditioned response and brings us into the   experience of the present moment.  It actually requires presence, which opens up everything.  By demanding presence, equanimity allows authentic connections.  We become more available, more spontaneous.  Creativity and clarity are available for the relationship since we’re now not stuck in our heads.  We can be consciously engaged and using thought, instead of living through thought via some limited, mental pattern…”  

Goddess:  “that limiting of creativity in consciousness, which could manifest in creativity in the 3D through writing or art or building, gets freed up.  creativity is there for exploration, expansion… the way i’m thinking about it, it’s the opposite of limiting yourself.  those limiting behaviors are very limiting in relationships, too.  when you fall into the ‘this is the way it should be’ pattern, you’re desperately displaying tribal behavior in an attempt to keep your tribe (or any relationship) together, around you.“

Sparky:  “Maybe well intended, maybe not, but it’s usually controlling…”  

Goddess:  “those tribal calls are all around us, even the calls of glory, ...to the warrior.  recently while watching Obama give medals of honor to war heroes on the news, I thought, ‘why are we still honoring people who kill people?…….doesn’t anybody get it?’   the feats of those men were extraordinary - displays of the human capacity for bravery, courage, loyalty and perseverance… in so many powerful ways.  but we’re talking about humans killing other humans!  feels like the Twilight Zone.  those people that these men are killing have the same hearts, the same minds, the same sentience and the same loyalty and bravery, and they want to protect their people too.  can’t we all see this?  the act of honoring ‘people killing people’ reinforces people killing people.  this just reminded me of how tribal we still are.  but our consciousness has superseded the need to be tribal.  yes, there will continue to be terrorist groups and yes, there are still 7 billion people on this planet so there is still going to be a huge number of people who are gonna continue to be tribal and wreak death and destruction.  but from the White House, one of the power centers of our species - can we set a tone to change the tide?  i’m bringing this up because it’s rooted in that non-equanimous behavior - it’s all part of the same syndrome.  bringing that into relationships - we’re still trying to be tribal within our coupling, to do whatever it takes to hang onto each other, to gain a superficial sense of security, loyalty…”

Sparky:  “One of the residual effects of practicing equanimity in relationships is that it helps keep us from getting entangled in reactive patterns in the first place.  When equanimity is your default mode, the patterns or traps stand out and become more visible for you.  You’re clearer, so the slippery exchanges tend to stand out.  When you can resist the pull of a negative engagement, you don’t engage it and give away your control, your power.”

Goddess:  “that’s why i feel control issues in these situations, because in many relationships we see lots of behaviors that are power grabs, that are manipulative.  it can be quite obvious and aggressive, not necessarily physically aggressive, but aggressive in certain ways.  i don’t always perceive that aggressiveness the same way that other people perceive aggression.  when i’m faced with it, i often give compassion, peace, and softness in response.  some people hate me for that, because they can’t control me.  some relationships are defined by that controlling dynamic.  and the conflicts have a lot to do with those attempts to control.”

Sparky:  “It has everything to do with control.  And it’s often quite cunning and subtle… it sneaks in usually when we’re in auto-pilot, not present.  But in the error of attempting to control someone, we ultimately create a conflict.  It can be the source of so much ongoing suffering.  And not just for the couple, but for children, relatives and others.  It’s a contagion, that if you engage it - whether positively or negatively, you’re caught in it.  Engaging in a conflict is engaging in a conflict, period.  The conflict cycle has a life of it’s own.  It’s engaged whenever our attention is on it.  The cycles exists through the energy of our attention.  When you don’t engage the cycle - you don’t feed it anymore.

And getting to that understanding is very empowering!  It’s clear that you’re not trying to control by taking sides or by producing any particular outcome.  You’re simply choosing for you, while others get to choose for themselves.  

That’s what you do… what you’ve done.  You don’t engage in the conflict! You stay present and you choose not to engage... Period.  That’s powerful, and it’s beautiful!”

Goddess:  “why, thank you!  i don’t know that i could ever see where any fruitfulness could come from engaging.  you’re not going to ever be able to get to a balanced outcome.  

but its not that i can’t be triggered, you’ve seen me be triggered.  and there could be times when being triggered highlights something, where a couple needs to bring out some kind of issue that isn’t coming out in any other way.  like when there are things that need to be said and so you’re yelling to say those things that you want to get out and can’t seem to do it in any other way.”

Sparky:  “Then equanimity can be there for the other person, the one that isn’t yelling yet, to avoid the yelling engagement - the trap of the cycle that’s beginning to form.  This allows the other to look deeper and to try to find out more.  Or even to disengage completely, for a while and revisit the issue in a fresh discussion.”

Goddess:  “i know that when that kind of conflict comes up, i go into a completely different mode now.  i don’t engage it… i can’t remember the last time i did.  you can’t really have a good outcome.  i usually become compassionate, and i do actually feel compassionate because if somebody is still engaging in that, well it’s a pretty sad place to be engaging from.       

who has triggered you in your life?”  

Sparky:  “Well, I can’t really name or blame it on anyone particular, though a few do come mind, but it’s really about me.  I’m triggered, off and on at different times and hopefully, I’m more often aware of it than not.  And now, just the awareness itself is often enough to stop the trigger and the process.  It’s become a practice, just to notice.  

For instance, I might be lost in thought and make a client wrong because they’re calling when I have something else going on.  That becomes a trigger, but noticing it is important - otherwise I might keep making them wrong.  Noticing it helps clear it.  Or maybe I’m thinking its “bad” weather - I might make the weather wrong, ”more snow is the last thing I need!”  Ha!  Dude, wake up!  Sure, I still go into autopilot sometimes, but I’m aware of it most of the time and once you become aware of it, you’re free to choose.  I’ve never found a compelling reason to hang onto those thoughts - it’s just not where the fun is.”

Goddess:  “i was sitting here thinking about whether love is inherently embedded in equanimity, or is equanimity inherently embedded in love?   or are they two different things?   what comes first, meaning which is the root of which?”

Sparky:  “I don’t know, but I feel that love is primary and equanimity arises from love.  Its part of the nature of love.  The true sentiment behind the false statement that “love is blind”, actually resides in that thing that we’re calling equanimity. It’s part of love, to let go of that which is not adding to love.  It’s one of love’s conditions, in other words.  We see it in the manifest and we call it blindness because we begin to put our attention on, not what we’re choosing, but what’s choosing us.  The irritant, the inconvenience, the problem… Then we start to see more and more of that.  Not because of any choice that we’ve made, but because of other conditions, or wanting some outcome.  And we begin to think about it and then we begin to experience conflicts arising from the thoughts.  The same person that was so magnificent a year ago… where’d that person go?  We’re now setting conditions, making requirements and living more through thought than through the present experience.  That’s the primary error which we seem to make over and over again.  And we wind up on a psychiatrist’s couch and say that ‘I keep on somehow doing the same thing over and over.’  People are not distinguishing between when they were in the experience of experiencing, versus trying to “manage” the experience and being taken over by their thoughts about it.”

Goddess:  “you said earlier that this is very tied to allowing… to non-judgmental, and acceptance.  i guess equanimity is the result…..the state that results from those beliefs and actions.  

until you brought this up, in regards to relationships, i never would have thought about equanimity.  it was just a natural reaction or response, i guess.  it was not a conscious choice as much as just a natural way of being, until it came up as a topic.  so, here are some reflections I have on it now:

equanimity feels allowing, compassionate and accepting.  I get a lot of depth around the feeling of acceptance through it.  I can learn a lot more about a person through allowing, rather than through making assumptions based on my own ego’s fears.

ultimately, if you want to be in a relationship with a person, you will want to know what’s really going on with them.  that’s what I would want to know……...that from a state of equanimity, i’m moving forward from a foundation of truth.  then i’m more in the know, because i’m not based in delusions or  accusations or putting too much credence in their mood or an outburst, because that’s not a true picture either.  

i’m more balanced and i can make better decisions about the relationship.  it keeps me from being triggered, which could wind up being hurtful and i never want to hurt anybody, at anytime, for any reason.  

being in equanimity, i’m not judging myself or others, and i feel good about myself. i can be who i am and the other can be who they are.  when no one is being judged, you’re free to live your truth, you don’t have to hide it and walk on eggshells.  and you can be direct without being threatening.  when someone is trying to handle me i feel manipulated and disempowered.

and when one person is being triggered, the other can model the calm of equanimity.  they can be kind and loving and connect with what’s truly going on.  and they can then move forward in the days, months and years ahead without all the heavy, controlling baggage.  in the end, they can feel much more love between them.  a love that is way more true than one that is disguised or disingenuous.”

Sparky:  “Wow… That’s just so right on.  So beautifully put.

Okay, so here are a few closing thoughts:  Psychologists have identified a human need; a deep, primal need that is linked to our species survival.  It’s the need to feel a sense of belonging.  It may be the most disguised, but the most essential emotional need that we share.  

Through equanimity, we all belong.  When we interact, we’re not connecting and communicating through a maze of superficial actions and reactions, we’re connecting directly with the essence of the other person.  We’re engaging the parts that unite us, rather than those that divide us.  We feel seen, heard, connected and loved.

To access equanimity, we start by having our attention in the present moment.  By doing so, the practice of equanimity allows the experience that we call love, to shine through us.  Relationships thrive in this love!

Once equanimity is experienced……..once you really get it, then nothing else will do!”

4/7/14—Feeling Like Your Old Self

Not that long ago, I spoke about some new medications I had to take. And I was reading up on the thyroid medication on a website and it said, "within a couple of weeks, you should start to feel like your old self again." 

Reading this brought up so much emotion, it made me cry. It suddenly hit me how long it had been since I "felt like my old self".... a self that could concentrate on things, wasn't ruled by hormonal fluctuations and didn't have to sleep all the time. 

When you're overweight and menopausal, good luck telling a doctor that you feel foggy, can't seem to lose weight and are exhausted all the time. They'll diagnose you as overweight and menopausal. And while I've been suspecting thyroid issues for years, I've never tested out of the broad scope considered normal until now. And guess what? Now I have. And now that I'm on the medication, I'm finally starting to feel like my old self again. So one lesson I've learned recently is that you should listen to your friends who say you have to advocate for your own health. Doctors make up their minds about things and if you feel deeply inside that it's something else, you need to get another opinion. 

But that's just an aside. What I'm really here to talk about today is "your old self." Sometimes your old self slips away so gradually that you just end up living with a new self thinking, "what has happened to me?" Maybe this is because of depression. Or too many demands placed on your life. Or from surrounding yourself with the wrong people. Or from some engrossing life event. Or a chemical imbalance, like with thyroid disease. 

In this case, your "old self" is a beacon of hope that you may one day feel good again and that whatever has been dogging you for months or years will come to an end. In other cases, we WANT our old selves to end...we want to replace the undesirable old self with a shiny new one. Sometimes it's a normal function of growth. But other times it's something we're running away from, are ashamed of or want to put in the past. So we consciously abandon or even deny our old selves. 

A wise and wonderful friend of mine recently changed her name—not to deny her old self, but to recapture it. I've always known her by her nickname, but she has a longer name she hasn't gone by since she was young. She told me that when she was a child, she felt ugly, depressed, cowardly, self-conscious and unlovable. She identified those feelings with her given name. And when she got older, she coined a nickname for herself that she thought was perky, upbeat, cute and popular. She denied that other girl, and became a new one. 

Recently this woman went through some life-threatening health issues. As part of her recovery, she changed her diet and she changed her name. She is choosing to reclaim her old self and embrace it. 

When we deny parts of ourselves, we can create illness...just as illness can cause us to lose parts of ourselves. We often forget to acknowledge why or how that old self served us. For example, a part of myself that I like to shove aside was very self conscious and obsessed with how she looked. She wore lots of makeup and always looked great. But inside she was missing the substance I have in my life now. So I cast her aside. 

And, frankly, I drifted to the opposite side of the spectrum. I could use to care more about what I look like these days. That woman served a purpose for me then, to show me that despite all the years of feeling unattractive and unlovable as a child, being pretty wasn't the answer either. It felt just as empty. So I cast her aside and eventually learned where my true value lay. But I also threw out the baby with the bathwater. I stopped caring so much about how I looked.

So maybe consider your old self this week. Have you lost a part of yourself that you want back? Have you denied a part of yourself and, perhaps, denied the purpose that self served? Is it time to reclaim or reintegrate a part of yourself long set aside? If you believe everything has a purpose, then there's no such thing as wasted time or effort. As we seek to know ourselves better, we can only go so far if we deny who we are or were. Your old self is just as much your true self (possibly even more so) as who you are now. All the parts complete the picture of you. 

This Wednesday there will be a guest blog from our guest bloggers, Sparky and Goddess, on equanimity. I'll be back for the one you'll on Thursday night or Friday. 

4/4/14—Doing Nothing All Wrong

I have a terribly deep and thought-provoking idea to share with you, but I'm just too busy tonight to share it. So you're getting a classic post from earlier in the year instead. And, considering the circumstances, it's kind of an ironic classic post, too.... 

I've been thinking a lot lately about why it never seems like any amount of vacation or down time ever seems to be enough. I suppose there could be a lot of reasons for that. I'm burned out. I don't get good quality sleep. I spend much of my time off running around making up for the things I didn't do because I was busy before. 

All of those are good reasons, but I've discovered another one recently. And it's that the time that does get spent as downtime is time I feel guilty about. Guilty, because there's always something else I could be doing. There's always something left on my to-do list. And so when I truly do nothing, my head is filled with thoughts of how much more productive I *could* be. I just don't let myself savor it. Does this sound familiar to you?

Don't get me wrong. I have plenty of down time. More than most people because I don't commute to a job and don't necessarily work a full day every day. But little of it is quality time. Either I'm multi-tasking, such as watching TV and picking stuff up around the house. Or I'm laying here comatose, unwilling to do anything else and beating myself up about it because of all the stuff I COULD be doing but am not. The only time I ever seem to be in the moment and relaxed and enjoying my downtime is when I sit outside and meditate at night. And even then my mind wanders sometimes. 

So there are two things going goofy here. One is feeling guilty about doing nothing. And the other is is overstimulation/multitasking/worries that take me out of the moment, effectively voiding the effects of downtime. 

Too often I think we think of rest and relaxation the same way we do dessert...if and when you have it, you have it after everything else is eaten. And sometimes you don't eat it. It's an indulgence. A treat. 

When did this become OK? Why did I let it be OK? And was it ever any different? 

Truth is, I'm pretty sure we weren't sent down here to work all the time. And what logic does it make that downtime and relaxation...recharging....would be a last resort—something to do only when everything else is done? How come rest and enjoyment never even makes it to the To Do list, much less rises to the top of it? Why doesn't life work the other way around, meaning that when we're busying ourselves with work and errands and little tasks we're not feeling guilty about not relaxing more? If not now, when do we become fully present and aware in the time that's the fruit of all our toil?

I like feeling busy and accomplished a lot as much as the next guy. And it would be wonderful to have absolutely nothing left on that To Do list. But I'm not sure that will ever happen. So if I have to "earn my way" to relaxation by doing it only after everything else is done, I'll never have fun! And I'd like to feel just as accomplished and productive from doing nothing as I am from doing lots of crap. After all, downtime recharges us, it reduces stress (which improves health), it allows us to pursue our diverse interests and it makes life more worthwhile. Shouldn't that be a star on the To Do list, along with "make money" and "clean house"?

Maybe I'm alone in this. But I don't think I'm alone at not being fully present and in the moment in life. That alone—whether being present in work or play—makes us more vital. So what's your story? Do you enjoy guilt-free, fully present down time? Or are you doing it all wrong just like me? At 50 I'm thinking more and more about what all of this is for and I'm pretty sure it's not to live from one busy weekend to the next. 

4/2/14—Discussing Karma

Today's blog post is actually a radio show I participate in on Blog Talk Radio with two of my friends. Both are  spiritual teachers and long-time friends of mine. We're doing this once a month and this is our second one. It's mostly about karma and rules and laws and what is "right" and "wrong" according to society. It was a very interesting talk and went off on some interesting spiritual tangents.

Take a listen!










You can hear it at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/3muses/2014/03/31/3-muses-and-karma

3/31/14—Exploring Your Inner Fear

Consider for a moment that there are only two things human behavior is made up of—love and fear. And every choice you make is either one or other. If you're not choosing to love, you're choosing fear. And if you're not choosing fear, you're choosing to love. 

Why love and fear? Because love is love. And fear is the absence of love. Love is a divine trust that everything is beautiful and perfect as it is. Fear is an absence of trust that everything is beautiful and perfect as it is. 

Of course there's a spectrum...a little fear and a lot of fear. But whenever you're not

choosing love, you're choosing fear.

That person you hate? It's not really hate. It's fear that what you dislike in that person is also within you...fear of what you'll do with that realization...fear that you are not yet who you wish to be...fear that you are not who you represent yourself to be. 

We all contain the capacity for the full spectrum of dark and light within us. Whenever we see a behavior in a person that we don't like, we say "that is separate from me." But there is nothing in god's universe separate from you. There may be behaviors you don't exhibit or places you don't go, but the capacity is within you. And denying that what you hate in others is not within you fractures you, holds you captive, keeps you separate from god and keeps you from loving and embracing yourself. And the more you deny being that which you hate, the more loudly you become that which you hate. That is the power of fear. 

If you can't see those dark parts that are mirrored back at you from your "enemy" with true understanding and if you can't look upon people you judge with the genuine grace of "there but for the grace of God go I", then you're not just in denial, you're choosing fear. And when you're choosing fear, you're choosing to distrust that everything is perfect as it is, you're choosing to distrust god's plan, you're choosing not to love, and as a result, you're choosing to live in the darkness within you and not in the light. When you live in the darkness within you, you're just a shade or two or three from the unspeakable atrocities you witness on this earth. 

The Westboro Baptist Church? Just a darker shade of fear than the shade you choose when you hate and separate. The KKK? Just a darker shade of fear. Hitler? Just a darker shade of fear. All, by the way, have some love mixed in and you should be able to see that, too. But all began as all babies do, with pure love. I always make allowances for those with the kind of genetic anomalies that cause mental illness. We all have genetic anomalies, though. Ours just resulted in funky ear lobes or a tendency to heart disease instead of mental illness (there but for the grace of god...) But fear is something we learn, not something we're born with. And when we turn toward fear instead of love, we run the risk of traversing into ever deeper shades. 

Beneath most negative emotions is fear. Behind happiness, joy, trust, acceptance and peace is love. Every choice you make that does not embrace the beauty of what "is", is a choice of fear. The traffic jam that makes you feel impatient. The person whose lifestyle you envy. The homeless person you judge. The weather conditions that "ruin" your picnic. Or the obstacle that vexes you. All of that is fear. All of that breeds separation. All of that exhibits a distrust in the universe...in your god. 

So as you walk through your week, consider the choices you're making. And when negative emotions well up, trace them back to the fear within and consider what a loving choice would be instead. And if you're reading this on Facebook, consider clicking through to my blog where you'll find more thought-provoking quotes on the topic of love vs. fear. :)

3/28/14—Practicing Unconditional Love

The other day I mentioned that a stranger smiled at me when I was on the verge "having a moment" in the drug store, and it made me feel like things were going to be all right. She had no way of knowing how I felt. She just smiled from her heart.

Later that day I saw a little girl in a restaurant. She seemed transfixed on me. Children of a certain age range, say birth to 5 or 6, tend to see something in me. I flatter myself by thinking they see a lovely aura or that they see guides around me. Anyway, she had that look. And as her mother walked her out of the restaurant, I smiled at the little girl as she walked past. Then she made a monster face at me and disappeared through the door.

I was sitting near the window, so as they walked by me again, I made a monster face back to her and she laughed. We were simpatico. I knew she was playing and she knew I was playing. And we had a secret little moment that her mother was completely unaware of.

Then today I was having really bad day. Just exhausted to the point that sitting here writing for my clients was painful and almost more energy than I had to expend. Allergies can sometimes do that to me, so maybe that's why. I've been on the verge of sleep and tears all day, but had deadlines to meet. Then I got an email from a friend saying wonderful things to me and giving me permission to feel exhausted without feeling guilty about dogs that need walks or anything else.

These little, seemingly mundane moments are far more important than they seem. The stranger in the drug store defused the emotion welling up in me. The little girl removed any lingering trace of negative feelings within me. The friend affirmed that I don't always have to do it all. 

Helping others doesn't have to cost money, it doesn't take an elaborate plan, it doesn't even require that you know the person or sense distress. It just means walking through life with an open heart, an encouraging smile or a kind gesture or word. You'll never know if your smile fell on deaf eyes or saved a life. And it doesn't matter. All it takes is to develop a practice of kindness and love within yourself, regardless of the other person and whether or not they mean anything to you.

One of the hardest and most rewarding spiritual lessons is unconditional love. Hard, because it requires you to love those society deems unlovable. Rewarding because it literally sets you free and transforms you spiritually. And it all starts with simple, kind shows of love like I described above. 

A smile alone can transform and even save a life. You very well may be the one bright light in someone's day. You don't have to always be the smiler. Sometimes you'll be the smilee. But either way, recognizing and appreciating you're part of a beautiful transaction can move you further down the path toward achieving universal unconditional love.

3/26/14—Giving Up The Fight

I come from a long line of stubborn folks. I believe it to be both our secret weapon and our undoing. I suppose it's possible to know when stubbornness will serve you and when it won't, but my reality is that sometimes I choose the wrong things to be stubborn about. I imagine there are also things out there that I could have been more stubborn about, to my advantage. 

An issue with my stubbornness came to a head this weekend. I might have mentioned before that I have diabetes. For a couple of years, I've been in a place where I'm at the low end of the spectrum. When I first found out I had the disease, I lost some weight and did all the right things. The result was that I moved myself back into the normal and healthy range. 

Then I don't know what happened. I suppose I got cocky. But I started eating the wrong things again. And before I knew it, all the weight I'd lost was back and my A1C number was back on the rise. The A1C is the critical number in diabetes. It tells your average blood sugar levels over a period of months. 

People talk about how you can diet and exercise and "cure" diabetes or "reverse" it. There really is no cure for diabetes. When the cells stop metabolizing sugars normally, the damage is done. What you CAN do is eat and exercise in such a way that you don't inundate your body with sugars your cells don't metabolize well. Doing so can bring you back into a healthy range. But you still have diabetes. Sooner or later the disease will progress. I'm sure there are some diabetics that die before diet and exercise alone ceases to work. But it's a progressive disease and eventually, according to my doctor, most people are going to need help. 

And therein lies the stubbornness. For about a year now, my doctor has been trying to get me to take the medication that helps. And I've been refusing. Because I KNOW I can bring my A1C numbers back into normal range through diet and exercise. The problem is, though, I haven't. I've been flailing around in "trying to get with the program", without actually ever getting with the program. My stubbornness is serving me in that I'm not giving up. But it's working against me in that the damage that diabetes can do to the kidneys isn't being abated. 

So, long story short, I get my tests back last week and now I need THREE medications—the one I've been refusing to take, the one that can help my kidneys and one that's probably not related. I hate being medicated, because I believe it's a trap. That's why I've been so stubborn. I don't want to start diabetes medication then get stuck on it after I've created the lifestyle changes I need to. But with my kidneys impacted, I need to swallow my pride. 

For a long time now, I've had the voice of a former Facebook friend of mine in my ears. He's a former Facebook friend because he died from complications from diabetes. He told me, "Tierney, I waited too long to do the right things. Don't wait too long." We need to learn when to give up pushing up against the things we don't want to deal with. We need to learn when to give up the fight...or at least trade it for a new one. His advice haunts me as I struggle internally with weight and food issues that have lasted an entire lifetime, knowing that if I can't break this cycle, it will literally be my undoing.

It's easy for thin people to say "just stop eating so much and exercise". That's like telling an anorexic to just stuff down the hamburger. Telling an alcoholic or smoker to just put the drink or cigarette down. Telling a cult member to just walk away. Most people see a lack of willpower. But it goes much deeper than that. And, having dieted and exercised myself thin before and maintained it for many years, I know that diet and exercise alone is not the answer. There's something in the head that needs to click. I know what I need to do, but can't manage to do it. I'm a former smoker and it took me many years of desperate attempts before I finally got it right. But I got it right. My food issues are just that much tougher to address. 

So anyway, I went to the drug store today to get my prescriptions filled. As I turned to leave the pharmacy, I was overcome with emotion. The pills in my hand represented defeat to me. I believe there was an angel there with me because the lady at the end of the pharmacy line gave me the loveliest and most genuine smile on my way out. She had no way of knowing the emotions swirling in my head. But her smile made me think things would be OK. 

As usual, there's a lesson in all of this. The lesson is that I had the doctor call me yesterday to explain my medications to me. It turns out that two of the three medications he put me on are known to help people lose weight. One of them is likely going to put an end to the exhaustion I've been fighting for a couple of years now that adds to my lack of motivation to move. So all my stubbornness was keeping me from the very thing that could help me. But it also might have helped reveal the unrelated issue that I've been wanting answers for for years. 

So in the end, it seems like things happened just as they were supposed to. As is the way of the universe. And after having the moment of tears over my bruised and humbled ego for not being able to fight this thing alone, I'm beginning to think that the angel at the back of the line is right. Everything's going to be all right.