Today's Draw: Five of Wands from the Science Tarot. Fusion. Have you ever surprised yourself by changing quite suddenly and dramatically? What have you discovered about yourself in the aftermath of some significant trauma in your life?
One word has popped up time and time again over the past few weeks—Initiation. And today is no exception. Fusion is a violent, drawn out and highly energetic process. It is a complete change of form bringing new hopes and possibilities. But in the process, it's very challenging and exhausting. It's an initiation rite to a new way of being. The book for this deck says one more thing that is intriguing to me. It says this ordeal reveals a hidden self. At first it seemed like such a novel idea to me—a hidden me within me. Imagine that! But then I realized that I'd uncovered a hidden me inside me at least once before.
This isn't a story I often tell because it's pretty involved. But last week I said I had a loved one who had been murdered. That person was my father. He was murdered by the woman he met and married after my mother died. My stepmother. She killed him for the insurance money. And she was somehow found not guilty. This was back in 1988 and the woman is still alive, living off my father's pension.
As you can imagine, there's a lot of uncharted land you travel when something like that happens in your life. First, there's the whole shock of the murder thing, and by someone we had allowed into our hearts and homes. I was never terribly close to this woman, but we were building a friendship. Second, all of us, though all adults, were "orphaned" earlier than most people we knew. I haven't had a living parent in my life since I was 25. And third, there's the fact that the judicial system you count on to deliver justice, fails you. In between all of that was a media circus, of sorts. It was the big story in DC for a number of months. It was about a year before all the trials were complete. And in that year, it never went away. There were always new developments, new hurts, new shocks. You couldn't get away from it to just take a breath, let alone to grieve.
So that was the fusion. And somehow it set off a spiritual awakening for me. Prior to that, I really didn't have much in the way of spiritual beliefs. But almost immediately I awakened to the idea of people choosing their lives, lessons and fates prior to birth...even though I'd never heard of this notion before it hit me. I also saw my stepmother, not as a monster, but as a very sick person who needed help. I even had compassion for her. And I was also sort of initiated into a deeper interest in psychic awareness. There were certain things about the case that I couldn't have known, but somehow did before they were officially discovered. And almost all of us (my five brothers and sisters) had some sense that something wasn't quite right about this woman, though we couldn't put our finger on it. And when we heard there had been a shooting, we immediately knew what happened.
I have no idea how I could have survived this time of my life without that awakening. It was difficult enough as it was. But being initiated, really quite suddenly and quickly into beliefs I'd never even been aware of before, made it easier. It's almost like spirit had come down to instantly attune me to a certain way of thinking...a way that made sense to me. Everything became clear. And it was salvation for me at what I hope will be the most difficult time of my life.
So that's my story about uncovering the hidden me. It's as if all that knowledge was in a time capsule within me, and opened at this very moment in time. And it was all part of the agreement I made before I came down here, too. Earlier I said it was an intriguing thought to consider what other hidden mes might be within me. But now it feels a little scary.
Still, it's an interesting thought to ponder, isn't it? Something hiding within you, set to emerge at a certain moment in time? What would it be? Or, to the similarly initiated through fusion, what has it been? I know some of you out there are either experiencing something difficult now or are on the verge of it. What is it revealing about you?
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