Monday, June 27, 2011

6/27/11—Letting Go of Limitations

Today's Draw: 15 from the Oracle of the Visions from Ciro Marchetti. What is it time to let go of in your life? Or what is letting go of you? And what was this person, thing, habit, thought or ideal limiting you from receiving in your life?

Today's card is an oracle card, not a tarot card. Basically, oracle cards don't follow tarot's basic structure of 22 "trumps" and 56 cards in suits. Each is a different animal. I suppose in some ways, you could call them "tarot lite", but that shouldn't be confused with thinking the insights they deliver are any less profound. It's just that they're not a discipline and study for most people the way tarot is, primarily because each deck is completely different, has a different number of cards, with different meanings and purposes.

That being said, this is a card of farewell. Of saying goodbye to someone or something in love. The birds in the background are symbolic messengers. And they're flying in both directions. So it's possible the goodbye may just be temporary. Or perhaps it's part of a cycle of comings and goings in your life. 

To me, I imagine the note in her hand says "I'm flattered by your attentions, but for the sake of my own best interests, I must say no." You see, I keep finding myself attracted to the same sort of men over and over. They're usually smart, interesting, attractive men with emotional issues that they either don't want to work on, take out on others, or both. Hey, we all have emotional issues...haha. But I suppose I think I can help (even though they don't want help). And, and here's real kicker, in the past I've allowed one or two of them to take their personal issues out on me in the form of verbal and/or emotional abuse. I've learned to walk away at the first signs of that now—and each man I become interested in a better man and closer to healing than the last—but it doesn't keep those types of men from appearing in my life. And I see the look on the woman's face in this card showing either sober realization that this guy is another one of "those guys". Or maybe she's drawn to this man, but is doing what she knows is best, even if she doesn't "want" to.

I've felt both of those things in my life. Too many times. And decades of analysis and consideration have left me empty-handed as to a good reason why. Some suggest it's because I don't love and respect myself. And that just never felt right to me, because I think I love and respect myself about as much as anyone else. Some say it's a mirror of ourselves and I totally believe that, but what is it mirroring back? I'm neither verbally abusive nor take my crap out on others. Some might say it's because I want to change a man, inspire him or save him. OK, there's some truth in that. But more than that, I'm looking for someone who wants to work *together* to evolve and grow in a spiritual sense...a relationship where we both challenge ourselves to look within and heal. I've worked on all the stuff above and still have the same issues. Then, finally, last Friday I heard something that made sense to me—I believe I am flawed. 

It's that simple. And I absolutely do believe that! And while you could say everyone has flaws (and we all do), I lead with my flaws. I feel self-conscious of my flaws. I allow my flaws to stand between me and things that make me happy. And I think my flaws mean that I deserve less. Or that I deserve another person who is clearly flawed. And the thing is, while we're all flawed, there are some people who don't believe flaws are flaws...they believe we're all perfect in our unique ways. And even more people know they're flawed, but don't focus on them. Or, knowing all people are flawed, don't think their flaws make them less than others. Simply put, they don't allow those flaws to get in the way.

As someone who has lived all her life with a weight problem, "my problem" always seemed to be a focus. My parents were concerned about it. Kids made fun of me. Even during a period of my life when I was thin, I still attracted comments about my weight. It's hard not to feel shamefully flawed in light of all that. In the absence of others calling me names, I get down on myself. I'm not proud of the fact that I do this, but I do. And I imagine there are others out there reading this that do the same thing...only they think they're not smart enough or creative enough, funny enough, perfect enough, capable enough, pretty enough, strong enough. 

I think all of us have some sort of "inadequacy" we're not proud of. The question is, do we let it get in our way? Does it keep us from being in relationships? From achieving career success? Trying new things? Or allowing ourselves to be happy in life?

Like everyone, I have a number of flaws. But the only one I can think of that stands in the way of me getting something I want is the weight thing. Everything else I've been able to come to peace with...or cut a deal with. So, as simple or obvious as it may seem to you, last Friday was an "aha moment" for me. One, because it finally felt like an explanation that made sense to me....because I feel flawed, I think I deserve less. And two, because I find it hard to forgive myself for not being able to maintain a healthy weight. But I *can* forgive myself for being flawed. 

It makes me feel vulnerable to talk about some of the things I talk about here. I do it for many reasons. One is because it's healing for others. Someone will read this today and feel a little better about who they are. Another reason is because I know I'm an intelligent, spiritual, funny and even, perhaps, wise person....who is just as touched by life's issues as you. Too often we compare ourselves to others and how "together" they seem, when the truth is that, being "together" is really just about realizing that everyone is in the same boat we are, somewhere in their life. 

The older we get, the more forgiving we get of ourselves. But everyone's working on something...or could be working on something. The people who appear to have all their ducks in order, really only appear that way. In fact, the ones that appear/claim to be most tightly in control of their lives are often just more gifted illusionists, imo. Or are in denial. We grow up hearing that some things you just don't talk about. But I think we do ourselves a disservice by not talking about these things. Not only do we cheat ourselves and others out of the opportunity to know we're not alone, but we also plant seeds for our own self-destructive and/or obsessive or excessive behaviors.

Anyway, to circle back around to the card I drew, maybe I'm finally ready to send a Dear John letter to this way of thinking about myself and the things it limits in my life. And like the birds, it will probably come back around again, but more healed. I see life like a spiral and with each turn of the circle, we just come to a new level of understanding about something until we finally raise it up to the universe entirely. Healing happens in layers. At least with the really big things. 

So what about you? Who or what are you sending or receiving a Dear John letter from in your life?

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