Wednesday, April 24, 2013

4/25/13—Blocking Romance

Today's Draw: Three of Swords from the Deviant Moon in the What You Can't Change That's Blocking Romance position from the Deck of 1000 Spreads. Are you pretty much decided upon remaining single? Do you have a reason why? Whether you're in relationship or not, do you find you protect yourself from the downsides of love?

My daily process is that I choose a card or three at random from the Deck of 1000 Spreads then, more often than not, I worry that the tarot deck I choose will fail to make sense in the context of the convoluted position I've established. And you know what? It always DOES make sense. 

Take this Three of Swords, for example. This three-legged woman has had her heart pierced and broken by love. Perhaps it was something her partner failed to say, or insisted upon doing...or was incapable of feeling. But there she stands, a storm looming in the distance, distressed and with a single black tear issuing from her eye. She touches the tip of one sword—can she bear any more pain? Has she now lost her capacity to love forever?

A couple of weeks ago I went to a meeting with a man and woman and, on our drive over, the topic of conversation was whether or not it was even worth it to couple anymore. As they lamented all the work and heartache that went into building a relationship, just to have each successive one fail, they were preaching to the choir. All three of us had full lives without partners. And they were 15-20 years younger than me and invested in building their careers.

I found it interesting that these two, very attractive specimens of the "younger generation" were discovering what I discovered at their age—I'd rather be content and balanced as a single person than subject to the expectations and heartaches of coupledom. But I also felt a little like I should warn them...warn them that you become so comfortable after 20 years of solitary living and casual flirtations that you can become somehow "unfit" for relationship...haha. I mean, if you think it's a pain in the ass when you're 30, wait until you're 50. 

Further, when you're thirty-something, there are still casual encounters to be had...there's still a pool from which you can draw. That pool gets narrower and harder to find the older you get—and still narrower and harder to find the more set in your ways you get. 

Still, I don't lament my choice. It was absolutely right for me. And my life's not over yet. There may still be a "love of my life" to eclipse whichever man I would consider so today. 

But when I think back on what started my "relationship apathy", I guess I'd have to say that I was just tired of investing my time and energy into relationships that eventually left me hurt and healing. Let's say you're with someone for a year or so and it takes a year to recover enough from all the dashed dreams (I'm a slow healer...haha) before you're actually anxious to go out on another date. You have to look back on all of that and ask "were those two years I spent out of balance—first in the excitement of a new love, then in seeking balance with a new love, then in riding the disagreements, then in the decline of the relationship and then in the post-relationship healing—worth the good times I had?" For me, the answer kept coming up as "no."

The thing about love is that you can't avoid having your heart broken. Even couples that have survived 50 years of marriage and are still in love have had their share of heartbreaks along the way. So if you let heartbreak deter you from romance, it's always going to block your way. You can't change the fact that there will be hurt, feelings of betrayal, etc. 

When I look at the enviable relationships around me—I was blessed by parents that hung in there till death did they part—they all worked through these disappointments and heartbreaks. It's not because their relationships WEREN'T challenged that they lasted so long, it's because they WERE. 

I can't speak for my young colleagues, but I can see where the prospect of disappointment, pain and heartache are blocking romance for me. I mean, if Prince Charming came along and was so magnetic and persistent that I couldn't say no, like you see in all the Lifetime movies, then I would probably dive in. But you've watched Lifetime movies before, right? They're, at best, loosely based on reality...haha. So for now, I'm not really interested or prepared to accept someone in my life. And, like today's draw has pointed out, until I'm ready to accept the inevitability of disappointment, pain and heartbreak mixed in with all the rest of what a romantic relationship can be, I'll never be. 

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