Thursday, May 30, 2013

5/31/13—Finding Your Way Home

Today's Draw Classic*: Shaman of Coils from the Ironwing Tarot. Do you feel like a piece of you is missing? What experiences or moments feel like "home" to you? What has drawn you away from those parts of you that feel most genuine?

The Ironwing is a non-traditional deck and often the messages are hidden deep within the book that comes with it. It's not an intuitive deck for me, but the book always gives me something deep to contemplate. 

The Shaman of Coils is about finding your way home. The book talks about how sea turtles have tiny magnetite crystals in their brains that help them navigate earth's magnetic fields and find their way home. I doubted this, so I googled it and it seems to be true. Similarly, the Shaman of Coils has her own Pole Star that guides her home from spirit worlds and netherlands. 

This got me thinking about the way I felt this weekend. I felt like I was back in a place where I had plenty of time to not only get my crap in order, but to also enjoy it. For a very long time now, I've had something or another going on that has made it so that each weekend feels like catch up, just so I can get up and do it all again on Monday. And it's been going on so long that I'd forgotten what it was like to have a Sunday with nothing to do but wake up late, thumb through the paper and do whatever. Without guilt.

I came about this in a roundabout way. I've been sick all week. And ended up canceling all my social plans because I'm still coughing a lot and just not up to hanging out. My house was already clean enough because I had company last weekend. So really all I had to do was tidy up and vacuum, leaving me time to do other stuff I never get around to. So by the time I went to bed last night, I had nothing left to do. Nothing to feel guilty about not doing today. And in the absence of that, I realized all the stuff I allow to hang over my head and limit my ability to enjoy down times. 

So anyway, as I sat here quietly enjoying my coffee with no agenda in mind and with a baby curled up next to me, I felt like I was "home". For the first time in a long time. I don't know where I went off course or when. It feels like many months since I'd felt free that way. Maybe even years? It just felt so far away.

The interesting thing is that I had recently thought to myself, "whatever happened to my wonderful weekends?" Then circumstances arranged themselves to bring me back. And maybe that's all it takes to find your way step out of what crazes you long enough to remember there even *is* a home. Then ask to be guided there.

We all have more than one thing that feels like "home". It's that comfortable experience that makes everything else you do worth the trouble. Most days I snuggle in front of the window with my dogs. That's one of those moments. Meditating in silence outside is another. Those are things I never lose sight of. But the one I experienced yesterday was one I had almost forgotten about. And now I'm wondering what other ones have I forgotten? The zone I go into when I'm being crafty? The peace and profound stillness I experience when I sit by the river? What else? Simply by remembering those feelings, I'm drawn to carve time to experience them again. 

But it goes beyond just experiences. Maybe it's a part of ourselves that we'd forgotten about or left behind. I stopped going to bars years ago because I don't like the noise and crowds. But last weekend I was in a hot bar with ceiling fans and found myself crawling on top of chairs to reach the ceiling fans and turn them up throughout the room. Whatever that is inside me that would defy management and propriety to do that was reawakened and it was like connecting with an old friend within me.

Over time we lose pieces of ourselves and pieces of our lives. Sometimes it's intentional and for our better good. But sometimes, a piece of our spirit goes along with it. And we may want to find our way home to that bit. What's a "home" you haven't seen in a while? And what do you think it would take to get you there?

*Adapted from a post originally written on 8/8/11.

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