7/29/13—Coming to a Tough Realization

Today's Draw: The Sun from the Tierney's Gift Lenormand in the house of The Heart from the Renaissance Lenormand, both by Bridgett Bassett Trejo. Have you been pretty successful in love in your life? How about in friendship? What do you think is the secret for keeping relationships alive and happy?

First I'd like to say that the Tierney's Gift Lenormand is now the fourth deck named after me or one of my babies (Magick Moonbeam has two decks). I'd also like to say that none of these decks were created by me. The other three were created by Beth Seilonen. I believe this is a record in the world of cartomancy (outside of all the decks named after Mlle Lenormand). It's certainly an honor. None of these decks are available for purchase. They're either all sold out or, like the Tierney's Gift, only one copy exists in the entire world.

So, whatever. Just sayin'.

So it's little coincidence that we get Sun in the House of Heart because I'm feeling the love...haha. Sun is success, illumination, optimism. And Heart is love, affection, romance. So in a reading, I'd actually read this pair as "success in matters of the heart". I don't really know what to write about that, however, as I've never been terribly successful in matters of the heart. 

Last week was epic for me. Actually the last two. They've been difficult both emotionally and physically for so many more reasons than whatever would have been apparent on the surface. A lot of inner issues came to the fore as stress and circumstance intensified. 

The result was that I saw something I had been blind to in the past—something that limited how close I allow others to get to me. And it was rooted in fear and a lack of self trust and, to a degree, an insecurity about my own self worth. 

I know I sound like a mess, but I'll bet most self aware people know where I'm coming from and can empathize. It's partly that I don't trust myself to handle relationships effectively. But it's also a bunch of inner fears and insecurities that make me distrustful of others. With all that going on, any animal would be ultra vigilant, seeing and responding to things that aren't even real...creating things that aren't there. 

A few weeks ago I was on the receiving end of just such a thing...someone creating something about me that just wasn't true. And I gratefully escorted them out of my life. Because they were batshit crazy. Turns out, I'm a little batshit crazy too. And now I know why all of that happened. Because tension has been building between me and another person recently, all based on my fears and distrust and not on objective reality. How can you even see objective reality when you're in that state?

In the tarot, the Sun illuminates all the corners of your life, including things normally hidden in shadows. It's always a good card, but it does have that dark side to it...the side of revealing the monsters that hide in the dark. Which is why Judgment is the next card...now that you've seen the monsters you create, what are you going to do about them?

So in this pair the Sun is illuminating the shadows of my heart. It came just in time. The person I'm tense about is someone who has been very good to me for a very long time. And had I allowed my fears and paranoias to overcome me, I would have basically spat in the face of someone I owe a whole lot to. And the karma and guilt that would create would weigh heavily on me. 

So it's been an intense week struggling with the realization of this and fighting the demons in my head. It's also been a bit of a shock to me because I think most would consider me pretty self aware. I'm by no means perfect, but I do cop to my flaws—at the very least I do so within myself, if I don't do it publicly. I'm even aware of things I'm in denial about...haha. But this wasn't even on my radar. Which goes to show that no matter where you think you are on your journey, you're probably actually a number of steps back.