11/28/12—Feeling Your Feelings

Today's Draw: The Hierophant from Dreaming Way Tarot. Have you ever observed yourself avoiding your emotions? What kinds of things do you do in order to avoid them? How much practice do you have at purposely sitting in the midst of those emotions and feeling them through to the end?

The Hierophant signifies a spiritual teacher or teaching, among other meanings. Recently I've been feeling really disconnected from my spiritual self, so I've been making an extra effort. One of my friends has a 1.5-2 hour commute each way every day, so she listens to Buddhist teachings from Pema Chodron on CD and, frequently when we talk, she mentions some of the principles she's considering at that time.

Lately she's been talking about "staying with your emotions", which is something I've always meant to get around to...haha. But see, that's how it usually works with people. We avoid. We have an issue at work, for example, and we distract ourselves. Bury our heads in work. Or go home and have a drink. Or watch TV. We follow our impulse to "make the pain stop".

Staying with the pain isn't about going home and telling your spouse about your day. Sure, that's better than nothing. But staying with the pain is about sitting there and going inside yourself and letting it wash over you. It's about taking that pain all the way back to what it's really about. It's about feeling all the fears that the situation brought up for you. It's a deeply personal thing and not something someone can do for you or with you. You can share your experiences with others, but it's part of your personal journey.

Most of us don't even know what that is, because we're so good at not looking at our issues. And the consequence of all of that is that, at best, we're held captive by our fears. At worst, avoidance manifests as unhealthy behavior and addiction.

I think we can all agree that I'm a pretty introspective person...haha. But I'm an expert at avoiding really feeling my pain. And if I'm that good at it, imagine what it must be like for someone who avoids introspection altogether! Think of how many people can't even go as far as the people who read this blog. And think of your own behavior when you're hurt or scared or frustrated. Do you sit there in silence and feel it all the way to your toes? 

Yeah. Me either.

Pema likened it to scabies (gah!). But I'm going to say poison ivy. Our first urge is to scratch the spot, just like our first urge is to stop the emotional pain. But if we scratch, we spread the poisonous oils and make the poison ivy worse. The same is true for our pain...if we scratch our itch by avoiding the pain, it just spreads within us. It creates more pain and even disease. If we don't scratch our "avoidance itch", however, and sit with the pain...allow it and trace it back to our innermost fears...we learn how strong we really are. It may sound ironic, but the only path to making the pain go away forever is to dive down deep into it...stop avoiding it. 

I frequently find myself examining myself and seeing where I can improve and raise my vibration and all that. But that's just one facet of the path. We can become better people all we want, but what kind of a foundation is that built on? One where our fears and pains are swept into the corner to fester and mold? I think we can only go so far along our path without learning to sit with our emotions. Because the more refined we become as individuals, the more the tar of our avoided emotions diffuses our light.

11/27/12—Taking the Hardest Step

Today's Draw: Two of Wands from the Art of Life Tarot. Are you ready to leave a part of yourself behind? Have you made the decision to make it happen yet? Or are you still not ready to leave the comfort of where you are?

The Two of Wands is a card of surveying possibilities and making plans. But sometimes we can get stuck in the process of surveying, planning, dreaming, envisioning and wishing, and never end up moving forward. And the reason for that is the J. P. Morgan quote on today's card:

"The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are."

It sounds so simple, but it's really kind of hard. Where we are is predictable. It's safe. It's easy. We know how to maneuver it. And it keeps us in our "story"...the one we discussed yesterday. 

We have grand visions of where we want to go. We put our energy into looking forward. And it would great if we could close the door on who we are once we've landed safely in who we want to be. But we can't. We have to leap into that in-between world where one door is closed and the other is not yet open. 

There are times I'm very willing to enter that realm. And there are other times I cling to tightly to where I am out of fear of either the failure or success of who I want to be. At times like that, it's good to be reminded that we can't step forward without making that decision to lift one foot up and leave where we've been resting for so long. 

And the word "decision" is key. It's the difference between "trying" and "doing". Once you've made a decision, you have to move forward. The good news is that it's usually the hardest single step you'll make on the way to your dreams. 

11/26/12—Perpetuating Your Story

Today's Draw: The Six of Cups from the Book of Azathoth Tarot. What's the story you tell yourself about what keeps you stuck in life? Is this story true...or is it based on something that happened years ago? What purpose does it serve for you to perpetuate it in your life?

This is a new deck that seems to combine the word assignations of Thoth with the imagery of Rider Waite...well, maybe not the same imagery as RWS, but similar in many cases. For those who don't know what I'm talking about, Rider Waite and Thoth are two different "systems" of deck creation and meaning. 

I'm not really sure this deck makes sense to me. The companion book isn't published yet, so I have no idea how they're interpreting the cards...Thoth-like or RWS-like or some sort of hybrid. I read something online about the Six of Cups being about the High Priest presenting his offerings in the Thoth tradition. I also read that, coming off the five, the six is about how much more appreciated pleasures are after coming out of the fear and pain of the five. (The word at the top of the card is "Pleasure") I'm really not a student of the Thoth, but this last bit seems to line up nicely with what I got out of the illustration...leaving the past behind. 

In the RWS, this card is about nostalgia and maybe meeting up with an old friend. But these creatures from the black lagoon (which I really dig in this deck, btw)...something about them says "making peace with the past" to me. That's the offering. And that's the chance at freedom and pleasure that you get when you move through fear and pain and are ready to move on. 

Leaving the past behind is one of those things that's easier said than done. Logically, you know there's no reason to hang on. But emotionally, you feel tied to it...more so in some cases than others. After all, the past is part of our story...the Story of Tierney is all about the past. It can only guess about the future. 

But many times the past can figure into "our story" in unhealthy and/or outdated ways. One of my ex boyfriends was a professional soccer player for a year or two. Over 20 years later, he was still tied to the story of "I had the chance and I blew it...what if I hadn't?" It was a whole "glory days" thing. He even looked and dressed like he did back then. He was caught in that story of the past. 

Now, 20 years later he had a good, secure job...he had a daughter who needed a father to present in his life...he had another chance at being a success. But he was blowing it because he couldn't get over the chance he blew 20 years earlier! His self loathing led him to alcoholism and anyone and anything who entered his life...me, his daughter, friends, work...had to get in line behind the alcohol for his attention. Being drunk was the only way to numb the chance he blew back then. And it was causing him to perpetually blow every other chance that came his way. 

That's what our stories do. They keep us stuck, hold us back. They give us excuses for why we can't be everything we want to be today. And what we often fail to recognize is that they were a moment in time that no longer exists. Any "failure" we had in the past is just as likely to fuel success in our future, as it is further failure. And in that sense, it only has the power you're willing to give it in regard to what you're able to do today. It can keep you stuck. Or it can set you free. 

Iyanla VanSant has a good way to rephrase these things in our brain. Put "until today" in front of the story. "Until today, I was a bad cook. Now I'm going to try again." "Until today, I've always been attracted to the absolute wrong man for me." "Until today, I needed that drink to let go of my day." "Until today, I always seemed to attract users." "Until today, I hated to work out." See how it works?

The stories we tell ourselves and the words we choose have more power over who we are and who we're becoming than any force of will. Our inner thoughts can poison us or inspire us. We are constantly changing and have the opportunity to change every moment we're alive. Even if the "big mistake" you made was just yesterday, it's something that happened in the past and those conditions are no longer relevant. In fact, look even further back, because chances are you've made similar mistakes in the past...chances are, the mistake you made yesterday was made in order to make the story you tell yourself true. 

So ponder this and see what stories you tell yourself. Are they really, really true? What purpose are they serving in your life...what excuse do they give you? And are you ready to move on? Like the creatures in this card, maybe it's time to move beyond the fears and pains of the past and let them live where they belongs...not in your present, but in your past. 

11/24/12-11/25/12—Waiting for Ships to Come In

Weekend Reading:  Three of Wands from the Radiant Rider Waite. This card is sometimes known as the card of "waiting for your ships to come in". A decision has been made or a plan has been put into place. You've done all you can do at this point. And you may be able to see results on the horizon. But it's out of your hands now. You have to be patient and let the results come in their own time. So if you're anxious for something to be over, be here or to otherwise reach its outcome, remember that it's out of your power now. You've done all you can do. So just distract yourself from the situation, if you can. Watched pots take a long time to boil. But if you can detach and trust, the results will be here before you know it. 

11/22/12-11/23/12—Affirming Your Growth

Thanksgiving/Black Friday Reading: Letter and Stork from Ciro Marchetti's Gilded Reverie Lenormand. 

Lenormand cards are read in pairs of two. The first card you draw is the noun and the second card is the adjective. This pair says that a message is coming your way. It could be something that changes your life, like finding out you're pregnant or you got the promotion. But what might be more likely is this scenario—you get together with your family and realize how much you've grown since the last time you were together. Or something happens to show you where you've evolved. 

It could even be that your message has been a long time coming. Letters are not email. They take time to arrive. You may not get the news you're hoping for as quickly as you'd hope. But it is coming. 

WARNING! This is where the reading ends and the cartomancy wonk talk starts.

If there's any doubt that the Lenormand oracle has taken the tarot world by storm, this will give you an idea. I ordered this deck two days ago, literally seconds after it was available for order. The first print run is now sold out. Fortunately it's not a limited edition, so he'll probably make another run if there's interest. This deck is typical of what you expect from Ciro Marchetti—luscious satin finish on high quality stock, luxurious hits of varnish on the decorative border, doubles of a few of the key cards so you can choose the ones that speak to you, and four extra cards resulting in a full 40-card deck. 

I'm a total newbie to Lenormand, so I invite my more knowledgeable friends to add to this interpretation if they want. Lenormand is unlike tarot in that you don't read it intuitively the same way you might tarot. There is less room for interpretation, but still plenty enough room to get it wrong. ;) I'll be back Friday evening with the Weekend Reading. Have a great Thanksgiving and Black Friday!

11/21/12—Practicing Love and Light

Today's Draw Classic*: The Sun from Margarete Petersen. What parts of yourself do you hide away in the dark? What aspects of yourself do you place boundaries around? What needs to be transformed in your world today?

The Sun card is welcome in any reading, because it traditionally signifies energy, illumination, breaking through and overall happiness. Margarete Petersen goes further to point out the sun illuminates the "boundary of day and night" and transforms everything it touches. Which is to say that everything you bring out into the light transforms. This is a significant lesson, worthy of its place in the major arcana of the tarot. The Sun appears two cards before "completion" in the 22-card journey of life lessons. And its bright yellow glow aligns with the third chakra, which is the energy center in your body having to do with personal power and self esteem. 

Put it all together and it's telling us this: in order for our dark sides to be transformed, we have to illuminate them, bring them out into the light, and embrace them as we embrace the other aspects of our lives. In the poem that accompanies this card, she writes: 

"Illuminating the dark and light parts of the world, none more attractive than the other."

Until we see that all that we are is made of light—that the dark parts are gifts to guide us on our path and challenge our self acceptance and love—we can only move so far along our evolutionary path. Do you see the couple in the tantric pose beneath the sun? Tantra is all about liberation and rebirth, the coming together of Shakti and Shiva...the masculine and feminine parts of our nature. The way I see the two in this instance is the coming together of our dark and light sides, illuminating them both and fusing them together. 

For many years I pursued a path of illuminating my light side and trying to drown my dark side in the light. To be honest, I'm still doing that to a degree. But over the years, I have illuminated different sides of my personality and transformed them. I used to be much quicker to anger. I was far more confrontational. Well, I still am, but now in a more loving way. And for many years the casual observer probably wouldn't have known about my lifelong struggle with depression. I mean, c'mon, I'm such a bright and cheery sort...haha. But it's true. I do believe that much of my life has been lived beneath that veil. 

In the past six months or so, the gift of dramatic mood swings spurred on by menopause has caused me to address this issue medically. To bring it out into the light. The situation became so painful, destructive and disturbing that I had to seek help. I had to admit to myself that I could no longer handle this situation on my own. So now I take a tiny little pill every day and I am, honestly, transformed. Things that used to send me spinning into darkness no longer affect me that way. 

This is who I am without the disease of depression. But I never would have arrived here without bringing my issue out into the light. My pride kept it in the dark for many years. "This is something I can manage on my own." And to be fair, I kind of did. I never had suicidal depression. Just persistent low grade depression. But low grade or high test, pretending it didn't exist was denying the "me" of who I am. 

Yeah, so this is personal stuff that people don't talk about in "polite society". But that's exactly the point. In our efforts to be accepted and liked, we resort to NOT accepting and liking ourselves. Which means that we put up a boundary between who we really are and the public facade. Which means no one can ever really like and accept us as we are. Which keeps us caught in a cycle of self rejection and self hate! The Sun comes to us today to illuminate those areas, so we can truly walk in love and light. 

For those of you on "the path", consider this today. Walking in love and light can only occur if we turn the entirety of our being toward the sun. The moon, the card before this in the major arcana, always has a dark side and a light side. We never see its dark side. But as we travel around the sun, it shows us all sides. There is no dark side. Just light. And the same is true for us as well.

*From a post on 4/27/11.

11/20/12—Finding Your Eternity

Today's Draw: The Fool from the Art of Life Tarot. Do you think it's wise to "launch yourself on every wave"? How many times can you say you've consciously been in touch with "your eternal self"? Have you ever had a totally deep or meaningful thought as you're drifting off to sleep, only to forget it upon waking? And, bonus question, did you actually remember it on waking and, if so, what was the thought?

About a week or so ago, I had a thought as I was drifting off to sleep...or maybe I was dreaming...but I remember thinking, "OMG, the next time I draw the Fool card, I've got to talk about THAT. We've never talked about THAT before and it's the key to EVERYTHING!"

Well, we're not going to talk about that today. Because I can't remember what it was....haha. And I can't tell you how many times I've tried to recall what it is. It's been EATING at me. It's like dreaming about the meaning of your life or the reason why we're all here and not being able to remember. Gah!!!

So whatever it was that I thought or dreamed of, it's not what we're going to talk about today. But the funny thing is that this Fool card comes with a quote from Henry David Thoreau that is pretty close to delivering one of those deep life secrets we're all searching for: 

"You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment."

We talk a lot about being fully present in the moment on this blog. That's what living in the present is about...living in this moment. Not a moment that happened five minutes from now, not one that may happen five years from now, but being absorbed fully in this precise moment—a moment without a past or present, a moment where you're not distracted by anything else, a moment that contains only now and the million possibilities that exist within it. 

These are the moments where you lose all sense of time and space...you're impervious to mundane demands...you're totally in the flow. In this moment, you don't have to pay bills, go to the doctor, lose 20 lbs, etc. You're not held to a pattern from the past or obligations in the future. All of that is for other moments. In this moment you and life are exactly right as they should be. 

Launching yourself on every wave is not far off from what we spoke of yesterday in our Being Your Own Hero essay. You grab life as it comes to you, rather than allowing it to grab you and steer your way. Surfers wait for the perfect wave to come. This is asking you to taste of every opportunity that comes your way. Eat the full smorgasbord of life. 

But the last bit of the quote is perhaps the juiciest. Find your eternity in each moment. See, that's the whole POINT of living in the moment. Because when you're in the moment, you're in the groove with the all of what is, you're in union with god and grace. You're walking through life hand-in-hand with your eternal self. Your divine self. Even if, in this moment, you're being arrested. Or insulted. You can be in the moment with it...find your eternity in that moment. 

Imagine, just for a minute, that you KNEW you were an eternal being. Knew it in every cell within your body. How would that change the frustrating or annoying situation you had earlier today? If you knew that nothing could destroy you, nothing could cut you short or cheat you out of anything. If you had the perspective of your soul or higher self, rather than just the perspective of your current incarnation?

On the one hand, we probably need the "deadline" of having, say, 80 years to work on our life's lessons, whatever they may be. Because if we knew we really had eternity to solve all those issues, we might take this lifetime off. But understanding the big ball of eternal grace that each of us is, could be game changing in our lives...in the way we deal with ourselves and others. And it all begins with putting ourselves in the one state that is truly eternal, this very moment. 

What do you see in the Fool's quote?