7/14/14—Reclaiming Parts of Myself

A friend of mine spent the weekend backpacking with his dog in the most beautiful spot. The pictures he posted made me want to be fit enough to do it. He said there were nice spots you could drive to, but I like the idea...the romance...of this backpacking thing. 

Of course that doesn't mean I'll ever do it. I've been camping before, but with a blow up mattress and a huge cooler and plenty of clothes. When you have to carry everything you need on your back and sleep on the ground, it's different. Even if I were fit enough to do it, I'm not sure I'd manage very well out in the wilderness alone, even with my three dogs with me. In fact, I'd have to be brave enough for four. Still, my friend's hike is only ranked intermediate, so it's doable. 

Many, many years ago I set out on a difficult-ranked hike on my own. It was March, so some of the rocks were a little icy in the shade. It was grueling, even though I was very fit at the time. The first three miles down the mountain and past all the waterfalls was easy, but it was the part on the way back that was straight up that was hard. There was a boy scout group doing the same hike and we'd pass each other, then rest. Then pass each other, then rest. It was nice knowing they were there in case I hurt myself. It was also nice to see a bunch of boys struggling as much as me. When I was climbing up, I was in shorts, even though it was very cold out. Then when I'd rest, I'd have to cover up or freeze. It was probably the biggest "adventure" of my life. 

I've gone back to that trail since then, but have never done the hard part of the hike...just the mile or so in and back out again. I'll never be 30 again. And I doubt I'll ever do that hike in quite that way again. But I mourn the loss of my fitness, most of which came at the hands of too much food, too little exercise and a lot of depression. 

Sometimes it seems so easy for me to make bad choices. But it isn't really easy. It's hard because bad choices weigh on you. And they're much harder to fix than they are to make. Over the years I've made bad choices with my work, with men and, of course, with my weight. All of them were much harder to fix than make. 

Truth is I've been very complacent about my weight and fitness for a long time now. I'm doing more and more about it, but my progress is slow. I was surprised at how my friend's pictures made me all wistful for hiking again. Usually when I get wistful for physical activity, it's yoga. But I have a tendency to get vertigo these days, which makes yoga classes hard. I seem to find teachers that, even though you tell them you get vertigo, bark at you if you remain on the floor while everyone else has gotten up. I guess they don't understand how vertigo can feel like there's extra gravity on you while your head is spinning. You simply can't get up.

Anyway, it's nice to have a muse that can help you make better choices. Hiking may be that muse for me. When I was younger I would drive to a different place in my Hiking in Virginia guidebook every couple of weeks and explore something new. I may never have the balls to backpack in and do what my friend did over an entire weekend, but I know there are plenty of hikes around here that I could do starting maybe later this fall or next spring. Frankly, there are some easy ones I could do right now, for that matter. But I'm thinking of hikes in maybe the intermediate range...the ones with altitude changes that open up into into striking vistas that make the exertion worthwhile...the ones that aren't so crowded...the ones that go five or six miles, up and down hills or mountains.  

I think I haven't quite realized the price I've paid in terms of my relationship with nature because of my bad choices. Seeing those pictures this weekend really struck me for some reason. For one thing, the terrain is unusual for this part of the country, so I want to see it. But it was as if I was standing in his pics, feeling strong, feeling the breeze on me, having energy, giving my body a nice workout and feeling like an extension of the terrain...that's what I miss. 

I may not be able to get back to my 30 year old body and strength. But I can get back to the trail. And I can reclaim some of the parts of myself I set aside so long ago through my bad choices. 

7/11/14—Getting Real

This woman has surgically and otherwise altered herself
to look like a human Barbie doll. No doubt there's a
good bit of photo manipulation going on here, too.

Some of you may know me to be a night owl. I do like the early am hours. But I rarely ever spend those hours writing. And since I maintain a diversion-free bedroom environment, it’s even more rare for me to write in bed. So tonight I’m breaking all the rules.

It’s an interesting thing when that one thing that calls to you more than anything else is also the way you make your money. For some people those things are separate. For some they’re the same, but the people never recognize it because they never pondered the “what calls to me” question long enough to boil it down to a theme that has been pervasive in their life all along. I’ve had the honor of talking to many such people in the past and, when we light upon that common denominator, a light bulb goes off and they discover that what they’re doing now is fulfilling their mission. They might prefer to do it in a different way, bit it nonetheless supports their calling. I think there are a lot of people who are that way.

But now back to me. :)

I’m someone who has to write. My calling, boiled down, is to “move people with my words.” Professionally, as an advertising copywriter, I move people to buy stuff and visit places and choose certain colleges and subscribe to things. Here on this blog, I hope I move you to consider your personal and spiritual growth in different or deeper ways.

But it’s an interesting thing when this passion of yours becomes a transaction of sorts. In my job as a freelance copywriter, I’m compensated for doing something I truly enjoy—something that makes all my cylinders fire. Even though I don’t make a penny off this blog and it’s what I would consider “writing for enjoyment,” I still see it as a business transaction because it’s informing my budding career as an author. Both of these “transactions” are deadline-based and “my day isn’t over” until my desktop is cleaned off and all the deadlines are met. Yet, I thoroughly enjoy the “doing” of them. Yet, they’re my job. Yet, I feel so fortunate for them. Yet I’m doing my job.

I hear people—usually celebrities—say things like “when you’re doing what you love, it’s not work.” OK. I understand what they’re saying. But I want to call bullshit on it, too. It’s still a job. There are still aspects of it that bite. You still have to be somewhere at a given time each day. There are still difficult people you have to deal with. So this breezy attitude of “it’s not work” is not only inaccurate, but it also sets false expectations that people can never truly meet.

I’ve never come out and said it here before, but I’m not a fan of expectations and ideals that can’t be met. Nobody and no situation is perfect and the projection of that image imprints negatively on the observer when they fall short. It’s the same with airbrushed supermodels, perfect love and shiny little Brady Bunch families. In the shadows lurk cellulite, annoying tics and a neglected middle child who’s just one forgotten birthday away from going postal on society.

Part of it is our tendency to look on the other side of the fence to admire what we’re missing, but part of it is also carefully crafted PR on the part of the observed. And, mind you, we all play the role of observer in this dynamic and we also all play the role of the observed. (Which means there’s someone out there envious of YOU. Yeah. You.)

Somewhere along the line, we all project an image of effortlessness to some observer. And somewhere along the line we all also begin to believe some unattainable thing we observed might be attainable. And we fall short. And we either awaken to the thought that we’re doing this to ourselves and stop buying in to ideals nobody can meet. Or we continue to feel “less than.”

If I told you there’s somewhere in your life where you’re falling short, would you know the issue I’m talking about? Stop for a second and consider that question. What would make you perfect? Is it a short list or a long list?

What if there are some things out there you just simply can’t do better? And what if that’s perfect? What if that’s part of why you’re here…to strive for your best and make peace with your best even when it falls short of someone else’s best?

We waste so much time and energy—and even beat ourselves up—because our body’s not as flawless as Adriana Lima’s, our faith isn’t as strong as the Dalai Lama’s and we’re not as polished and professional as that chick in the office. But you can’t possibly be everybody’s personal best—you can’t embody everyone’s “one thing they came here to be.” Besides, not even Adriana Lima is “Adriana Lima.” Nor is the Dalai Lama the Dalai Lama. Each of them falls short of their own projected image in some way. And each of them falls short of you in some regard that has meaning for you.

Internally we’re all aware of where we fall short, but externally we tend to pretty that up with denials, fancy clothes, a showy lifestyle, strategic omissions or a certain air that makes us seem like we don’t fart or fail. While there’s wisdom to putting our best foot forward, there’s also a price. No one, including ourselves, can live up to the image any of us consciously or unconsciously convey. And, because we greet our inability to live up to those images with shame instead of acceptance—because we measure our worth against the yardstick of others—we limit our evolution as both individuals and a society.

We live in a society where it’s considered arrogant if you a) own your strengths and/or b) don’t own your weaknesses. Society actually supports our feelings of being “less than,” perpetuating a cycle of inadequacy. It’s a cycle that only be broken by getting real, embracing the entirety of who we are and representing the good and the bad honestly.

7/9/14—Letting Go With Sparky & Goddess

Today's post is from our monthly guest bloggers, Sparky & Goddess. I'll be back on Thursday night with Friday's post!

The Sparky & Goddess Evolutionary Love Chronicles 

ON LETTING GO

Part 2

Sparky - It’s been several weeks since our last blog and by now, just the phrase letting go has taken on the vibe of an inside joke - where attraction and repulsion arise together, resonating with both familiar and new twists of insight.  We ended our last blog with four questions and invited readers to join in the inquiries with us.  One result has been that Goddess and I have felt an energized sense of interest, even community, around this Letting Go topic.  

Goddess – Yes, we have, Sparky!  This quest for going into letting go came about in the first place because that’s the number one question that keeps coming up in my practice and in my own life: how do you let go?  I’ve let go of so much in my own life and I have felt my way into approaches that have served me in the past.  The how seems to be a moving target for each circumstance and certainly for each individual.  We ended Part 1 by asking 4 questions as a way for each of us to explore more about our own relationship with letting go.  Today, we thought we’d share one of our reflections from each of these inquiries.  Of course, these are just perspectives and you, the reader, can decide if there’s anything here that adds to yours. 

The first question we asked was, why let go at all?   

Sparky – The first thing that came up for me was, because it’s a pain to lug all this stuff around!  Then I realized that the statement implies that we’re aware of being in motion, which of course we are in motion, but our awareness of being in motion varies with the circumstances and events in our life.  For a while holding on can be a choice, while still in a role we’re taking on in life or part of processing a particular experience...  And at some point, all roles change and the currents of life tug at us to further process and move back into flow.  Hanging onto roles - life stories and events, as a source of personal identity is always the ego.  We have to engage our authentic awareness, or consciousness, just to tweeze these apart and become aware that we even have a choice to let go, or hang on.  

Goddess – So from this perspective letting go is consciously aligning, or resisting the flow of life.  We let go so that we can move along with, rather than being anchored by, our past.  We let go so that we can align to the present by living a more authentic life!  It’s an ongoing process and really, a personal responsibility.   

We feel this in relationships, where egos can produce static, inflexible lines that are not really boundaries but trip-wires around unexamined and closed-off, inner-spaces.  Instead of a line of respectful agreement, we unconsciously protect these lines and crossing them can trigger a reactive, attack/defend response.  Doing the inner-work of letting go lets us clean out these fortresses which then allows for freer, deeper authentic connections.  In relationships, this feels like a gift of ease and spaciousness because it relieves others from the “responsibilities” of accommodating, tolerating and endlessly satiating another’s ego.

Sparky – The next question invites us to investigate by asking, what’s it like to hang on?  

Goddess – My response to that is S.T.U.C.K. 

Sparky – I once knew a teacher who, when asked how he was doing, would reply, “Tired of living and scared of dying.”  That’s a lyric from the song Old Man River, by Oscar Hammerstein, and it sums up the essence of stuck pretty well, for me… And so did the guy!

Goddess – The poor man…  Sounds like he was hanging on to quite a lot!  

When you’re hanging on so long like that, it can be the worst kind of stuck because deep down, we know we’re our own jailer and we know we hold the key.  No matter what else changes around us, we’re stuck to what and where we’re hanging onto until we can consciously let go.  Sometimes we even know what we want to let go of, and we accept that we’re our own jailer, but we still can’t find the darn key!

Sparky – Oh yeah, and then it’s like you’re Bill Murray in the movie Groundhog Day, where you’re living the same day over and over and you already know what’s going to happen.  

Goddess – It makes you feel disconnected, isolated and bitter… As if life is what everybody else gets to experience while you get something less.  In your example of Groundhog Day, Bill Murray’s character becomes more and more authentic and present, and he begins to interact in ways that create a different result each day.  He becomes engaged in living each moment consciously/authentically, which opens him up and which becomes the necessary processing itself!   

Sparky – Which takes us right into the third question, what’s it like to let go?  

Goddess – What’s it like?  It’s freeing, opening and exhilarating!  But, that’s only after you’ve actually let go.  Just before that it’s uncomfortable, complicated and even scary!  There’s also that eureka moment where you feel that a way has suddenly formed - a way that had not been there just moments before!

Sparky – Yes, a way forward becomes available!  Your last point reminds me that “letting go” isn’t really so much the act of dropping something entirely, but rather re-processing and re-forming how we’re holding things.  In fact for me, the most significant letting go I’ve ever done has had more to do with dropping unwanted attachments, which winds up transforming my experience.

Goddess – That’s absolutely true for me!  For example, I’ve transformed relationships by immersing into the human condition itself and gaining broader insights and understanding around the issues at hand.  By immersing in the universal perspective, I’m free to see how specific dynamics are happening.  When I’m out of my comfort zone and floundering to align, I’m forced to find the courage to go to higher ground.  

Sparky – That higher ground is where acceptance, forgiveness, gratitude and love all become available.  To stand at that higher ground is to stand in your power and it’s where we do the real letting go.  This is the inner change that is primary to manifesting the external change, which is secondary.  

Goddess – And it’s that inner space of naked clarity and authenticity that the Evolutionary Impulse drives us to. It’s where the ‘Impeccable Imperative” arises as both your path and your purpose!     

  

Sparky – In that spirit of path and purpose, our last question was, what’s just one thing to let go of now?  

Goddess – And that question is going to carry us into Part 3 of what is now emerging as a journey with Letting Go!  

7/7/14—Being Receptive to Magic

I wrote a blog post about being in the now and being receptive to magic, but somehow lost all of it. So all you get today is a panoramic picture from my hammock. Sorry. But it is what it is and I'm going with it. :)

7/4/14—Contemplating Freedom

It's the Fourth of July in the US, which means we're celebrating our freedom. But I'll bet most people don't think too much about being free. It's just a given for us...in the sense that the 4th of July is about. But how free are we really? 

I've mentioned here before about the weird experiences I had when I was 3, 4 and 5 in my creepy bedroom in a house about a mile or so from where I live now. Well, one of the things I remember contemplating there was freedom. I think I must have had a past life where I was somehow restricted, because my pre-school mind used to contemplate the notion that nobody can truly imprison you, unless you let them. What I mean by that is that freedom is a concept that resides in the mind. 

Sure, you can restrict someone physically—put them in jail or chain them to a metal stake you had installed in your basement (not that I would know anything about anything like that.) But, without drugs, surgery or electrodes, nobody can touch your mind if you don't let them. As long as you maintain your mind's ability to go places without the limits of body, space and time, you're free. 

Yeah, I know. It's an odd thing for a 3, 4 or 5 year old to contemplate. What's weirder is that I felt I had to be ready to face the eventuality of being able to find my Zen under any conditions. And, with the exception of torturous pain, I probably can. I don't know for how long, but it's odd that I still think of this so many years later. I have no idea why I thought some of the things I did in that house, whether it was my age, my imagination, some sort of spirit thing or what. But I know I had many sleepless hours trapped inside that creepy room to think about all sorts of things. And, for some reason, this was one of them. 

The way in which we lose the most freedom in our mind is by holding on. We grasp onto thoughts and fears and they become our captors. Maybe we're holding on to the need to be right or the need to control something. Maybe we're holding on to regrets or thoughts of the past. Or maybe we've told ourselves some story about the way things are and we refuse to consider other options. All of these are prisons that make unable to be free.

The bad news is that we're conditioned to hold ourselves captive to thoughts and mindsets that distract us from being in the only place freedom exists—in the present moment. The good news is that we're the people most qualified to save ourselves from this conditioning and experience freedom instead. 

Freedom doesn't come from tossing tea into a harbor or slaughtering soldiers in battle. It actually comes from the opposite. It comes from surrender. It comes from giving up the fight against "what is". It comes from letting a higher power take command of the reigns that hold your life together. And it comes from giving yourself over to a world devoid of preconceived notions and filled with infinite possibility. 

While things like hunger, discomfort and torture make it difficult, the mind is strong enough to transcend any restriction you place on the body. There is a place within you that can't be touched by anything you don't allow it to—it's a seed of God...a chunk of the most powerful force in the universe. And you know it's always accessible, because no matter what conditions people face in this world, there are happy people everywhere, people who transcend, people who are free. As the universe expands, so do we. Freedom is about being present to enjoy the ride. 

7/2/14—Passing the Gauntlet

As I mentioned in my last post, I went to a family event this past weekend. While there, I bonded with one of my nephews—a nephew I'd always hoped to bond with. 

He's either 13 or 14. Not sure which. And, since he was a toddler, it was clear he wouldn't be making conventional choices or walking a conformist path in life. At his young age, he is already set on owning a hair studio and spa. He doesn't shy away from being the center of attention. He has definite opinions he's anxious to share. He's very handsome. And he oozes Sadler charm. He's also blessed with two parents who support his individuality fully. If there's one thing I'm proud of with my brothers and sisters it's that they're all very good parents. 

This nephew is the first of my relatives to show an interest in the cards. I have some relatives who show interest in getting readings, but he's the first who wants to learn how to give them himself. I regret not bringing a tarot deck with me, because that's the system I know best. But I did have a Lenormand deck with me and, within a few minutes of playing around, he was picking up on it quite well. Tonight I will pack up my Keywordy Lenormand deck, my Everyday Lenormand deck and a copy of Rana George's Essential Lenormand for him. Between those three tools, he should have everything he'll ever need. 

Acquiring, then sharing, knowledge is something I enjoy. In a way, that's what my advertising copywriting career is about. I learn about a product or service, then I translate what I've learned into an ad that tells the world the best parts of what I know. It's the same with this blog. Here I'm sharing the knowledge gleaned from the spiritual and internal work I've done and am doing in this lifetime. 

Cartomancy (reading cards) and the psychic arts are something I've been studying for 25 years and I have transferred my style of reading to many students along the way.  But having a family member interested, even if he eventually grows out of it, is kind of like passing a gauntlet. I had never thought of it before, but as a childless person, I don't imagine I'll have many opportunities to start a tradition that goes generations. So many in the cartomancy world are second, third or millionth generation readers and they bear the energy and quirks of that. I'm a first-generation reader and am, largely, self taught. It's interesting to think that someone generations from now may echo my style for no other reason than because that's the way I did it and the way their teacher learned.

Everyone thinks it takes some special talent to read cards or communicate with spirits. The truth is, it doesn't. Some people, yes, are born with a natural talent for it. But I'm not one of them. Whatever I'm able to connect with in the great mystery out there has come through study and practice over many years. In fact, cards are nothing more than tools we use to help us access that inner knowing...in some way they're like really elaborate training wheels that most of will never take off because we like three-wheeling. Most of the readers I know could give people messages without using cards, but the cards help make the readings more detailed, imo. 

I'm grateful to my younger self that I developed a skill outside of my profession that I'm just as adept at as my profession. One day my nephew will be styling Katy Perry's hair by day and reading her cards by night, all while "just knowing" what decision to make next to fuel his life's success. I think one of the most valuable gifts a person can give themselves is to build and develop a strong intuition and a relationship with the divine. For me, the cards have helped me do both. And I can't tell you how much it means to me to help my nephew give himself the same gift. 

6/30/14—Remembering Who I Am

I just got home from a whirlwind overnight trip to Florida for a wedding. The bride was my niece. Her parents used to live near me, so I saw a lot of her when she was growing up. I joked that she's the only niece or nephew I babysat...more than once. It's no secret I have a low tolerance for children, but I always enjoyed being around this niece. I don't know how she went from being a little girl to a woman to a wife so quickly, but that's what happens over a couple of decades, I guess. And she was such a beautiful bride. So stunning. It brought me to tears.

Of course my whole family was there. I'm the youngest of six kids, so there are a lot of "family dynamics" at play when we all get together. This is hard for me, because I normally live my days as a woman who is fairly confident about who she is, proud of the choices she's made, and surrounded by people who think she's pretty darned neat. But when I get around my brothers and sisters, all of that changes. I become less secure. I feel like I don't fully belong. And I find myself wanting a level of affirmation, respect and acceptance that I don't think I'll ever get from part of my family. I think some of them just don't "get" me. Either that or they do and I'm just not their cup of tea. 

These days I don't put a whole lot of stock in the opinions of those who don't see what an all-around fabulous gal I am. But these family things...it's like, inside me, I revert to some version of childhood when I craved affirmation and acceptance from my big brothers sisters and never quite got it. The six of us are only 8 years apart, but we're all so very different it's like we were raised by completely different parents. There's a central core that ties us together, but we all diverged from that core like spokes on a wheel, each of us having ones close enough to our spoke that we can identify with each other, and each of us having ones on the opposite end of the wheel from our spoke. So, in that sense, maybe it's unrealistic to want all of them to really see who I am and agree I'm wicked cool. :D

Someone in my extended family (who shall be protected as innocent) was complimenting me and said, "You're deeper than I thought. I have a whole new respect you for you now. I always used to think you were just a flake." It's a bit of a backhanded compliment, but it got to the crux of how I feel around some of my family...I feel like some see me as a flake or superficial or some other such thing because of the things I believe in and the choices I make in my life. 

Again, normally I don't care what people think about that stuff. When people judge it's usually because focusing on others' shortcomings is less painful than focusing on their own. But I guess something inside me wants the people I grew up with, more than anyone else, to understand me and be proud of who I've become. And right now, I would venture to say that, if everyone was really honest about what they think, I'm batting somewhere around .350 to .400. That's a great average in baseball and maybe even in society, but not so good in family, imo. Even if I AM a flake. 

I don't know what magnifies this insecurity in me so much around family. Maybe it's normal and everyone feels that way. Maybe it's because my parents died when I was still fairly young, so I had never accomplished anything as an adult that they lived long enough to be proud of. Maybe it's because I'm just a sensitive person. Or maybe it's because my biggest support network consists of three four-legged beasts who, of course, never accompany me to these things and I feel more vulnerable—partly because I AM more vulnerable without my biggest cheerleaders in tow and partly because everyone else has their biggest cheerleaders with them...so we're not playing on a level playing field in that regard. Heck, maybe it's all of it. 

For a soul who has dedicated this lifetime to a "solitary" inner journey, family gatherings can be a painful, but valuable tool for seeking out and honing in on any of your unhealed BS—BS you've managed to heal when among 7 billion other humans who don't happen to share your last name. These gatherings are also a valuable marker indicating how far you've come. That can be positive or negative. It can serve both to open and close chasms between you and the people with whom you share common core traits. Those common traits span generations, extending the dynamics and increasing the number of spokes nearest you, as well as the number of those farthest from you. 

When I checked out of my hotel room this morning, I stopped remembering who I was as a kid and started remembering who I am as a kickass woman. It's like I was kidnapped overnight and held hostage at the hands of my old stuff...a power that gets weaker and weaker each time I come into contact with it. And I couldn't wait to get home to my cheerleaders, not so I could bury my face in their fur and cry, but because I missed them. They're my family...the family I chose, my biggest cheerleaders. And, like all family, even though they drive me crazy sometimes, I prefer a life with them to one without them.