Monday, June 11, 2012

6/12/12—Identifying What Is Expendable

Today's Draw: The Knight of Hazards from the Zombie Tarot. As you look around your life, what are you coming to realize is expendable...excess, ego-driven baggage that weighs you down? Are you ready to let go of some of it yet? And what really matters in your life...what will hopefully fill the new space you've created?

In the Zombie Tarot, they've re-named the suit of Pentacles to Hazards. I have no idea why. A quick perusal of the book offers no clue. I'm not a big reader, so if I can't find it in a skim, I'm happy to declare it unfindable. I'm sure there was a really good reason, though. 

This zombie knight has worked really hard in his life and has attained some success. He owns a nice gravesite on the good side of town. When a limb falls off, he can afford to get it reattached. And he has fresh, certified organic brains delivered three times a week—no need for hunting. He has everything an undead could want. But does he have what he needs?

The Knight of Hazards asks us to reevaluate what's important to us and what is truly expendable. This is something I'm contemplating myself lately as I continue to reassess what is serving me in my life and what is not. I've already set some changes into motion, putting my energy into things that are more healing and nurturing. 

Today's big thing was reclaiming my bedroom. I had been sleeping on a blow-up mattress that nearly swallowed all the open space in the downstairs of my small home because my dog was recovering from surgery and couldn't go upstairs where the bedrooms are. But today I deflated the mattress.

I essentially worked and slept in the same room for three months—a room that you could barely walk through because of the big mattress in the middle. It sucks your energy. And during this same period of time I not only helped my dog through his recovery, but I watched my brother die. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I have lost a lot of people in my life and none has affected me more thus far. Never lose a sibling if you can manage it. 

So anyway, it has been a difficult few months. And the Deflating of the Mattress was symbolic of many things. First, it's a signal that things are getting back to normal around here. It's symbolic of the clutter I've been clearing out of my psyche and my life over the past month or more. But I also made sure I deflated the mattress while my dog was watching. I know he'd like to keep being the baby and not have to deal with climbing the stairs again, but it's time. There's a lesson in that for all of us, I suppose.

One of the interesting things that has happened as I've begun to move away from old patterns is that new old patterns have come swooping in. Start to move away from compulsive eating and new compulsive behaviors try to swoop in. Back when I quit smoking, it was important to me not to replace one addiction for another. In a way, I ended up doing just that. I had a mean gum chewing issue for a while, but eventually weaned off of it. 

And I'm feeling the same way now...I'm moving away from something akin to addictive, compulsive behaviors and I don't want to trade issues. A brief, frenzied foray into ebay shopping and the hell of manic bidding this past week pointed that out to me quite clearly. So now I'm searching my soul, trying to get to the bottom of what I've REALLY been feeding all these years.

So this is the Knight of Hazards at work within me. What matters and what is truly expendable? I know the RARE! gemstone jewelry I purchased this week on ebay doesn't matter to me. I know that very few of the hundreds of tarot decks I own don't matter to me. I know a lot of the crap I have around this house doesn't matter to me. And I know my dogs DO matter to me. And my dreams matter to me. And my health matters to me, even though I don't always act that way. And some key relationships matter to me. And my spirituality matters to me. And that's where I am right now. 

I can't help but think I'm going to learn something really profound if I manage to continue on the road I'm on. I had mentioned before that my brother's death awakened me to some of the realities around me. That's what set me on this course in the first place. As if a fog had been lifted. But I suspect there's even more fog to go. That's the path of discovery in our lives...a series of lifted fogs that take us out of our ego-driven concerns and merge our humanness with our divinity as we peek further and further into what really matters. The road can be both painful and joyful, frustrating and freeing. And though I'd like to be a baby and stay camped at the last turnoff, I'm finally moving forward despite myself. And I'm grateful for that.

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