7/4/12—Claiming Your Independence

Today's Draw: Strength from the Oracle Tarot by Lisa Chow. Are you in control of your emotions and actions or are they in control of you? What are your experiences with addictive, compulsive or unhealthy behaviors? What really rules over your life?

The third of the Five Lessons to Learn Before You DIE!!! is self control. I've never met anyone in all my 49 years and four months who didn't have some sort of addictive behavior that's dogged them at one time or another in their lives. 

Before I proceed, I should say that I probably have a broader definition of addictive behavior than some people. What I'm talking about here is behavior that's compulsive, excessive, unhealthy and/or causes problems in your life. So while many are thinking "huffing glue", what I'm talking about is perfectionism, anger issues, obsessive thinking, overeating/working/excercising, germaphobia, compulsive cleanliness, hoarding, smoking and, yes, drug dependence of any kind. 

Some of these things like perfectionism, compulsive cleaning, overworking, etc. are, in a way, socially acceptable. We make excuses for them, "her cakes are perfect," "her home is like something from a magazine," "she works hard for her money." But that doesn't make these behaviors any healthier than huffing glue. If you're one of those people, you know the toll those behaviors take. It's hard to say whether it's easier being out of control in a way everyone can see or in a way that's somewhat hidden. 

Personally, I've lived my life as a walking/talking, easy-to-see addictive behavior...haha. I've regained my control over many of those issues. If you're a regular reader, you already know I'm a former smoker. But what you may not realize is that this mild-mannered sweetheart of a blogger used to have some significant anger issues. 

I tell you about that, because having experienced both compulsive anger and nicotine addiction (among other issues I'm still working on...haha), I feel both compulsive behavior and addiction exist on the same spectrum. Both screw with your brain chemistry and your sense of reality. And both exert more control over you than you exert over them. 

BUT, from experience I'll tell you this, addictions are a LOT harder to regain control over and don't bear just an emotional dependence, but a physical and chemical one, too. With addiction, there's also a little monster inside you that, if you ever feed it again, will take back their control. Right now my nicotine monster is asleep. If I ever take a puff of a cigarette again, I will wake it up and it will be hungry. On the other hand, I can be a bitch to the Safeway checker next week and it will be an isolated incident. In short, becoming a mild-mannered blogger is a hell of a lot easier than becoming a non-smoking blogger. But both require Strength to achieve. 

So Strength is about resisting temptation and never saying "yes" in the first place. Strength is about acknowledging there's a monster that exists within you that's just waiting for you to open the door. Strength is about about taming the monster inside you once you've woken it up. Strength is about taking personal responsibility for these behaviors, whether you currently have control over them or not. Strength is about understanding that change and the unlearning of behaviors doesn't happen overnight. Strength is about learning and being gentle with yourself if/when you stumble and fall. And Strength is about seeking help when you want to take control back and can't do so on your own. 

Honestly, this card surprised me when I first chose it, but now I understand why this is one of the five lessons the universe wants us to learn before we die. As long as we allow these kinds of compulstive and addictive behaviors—whether drinking, creating drama, being an adrenaline junkie, compulsive shopping or wallowing in victimhood—we are not free (a fitting message to receive on July 4th.) Something else is making our choices and steering our relationships for us. If nothing else, before we die, we should all seize the crown of control over our actions/emotions and truly be the star of our own lives. 

PS: While we're talking addiction, for tarot junkies, Lisa Chow's Oracle Tarot is available on Etsy. It's a full 78-card deck with no lwb. I JUST got it today and didn't have a chance to look it over before I shuffled and chose, but from what I've seen it's based on RWS meanings, but has non-traditional imagery and some inspired, yet simple, visual interpretations. 

6/12/12—Identifying What Is Expendable

Today's Draw: The Knight of Hazards from the Zombie Tarot. As you look around your life, what are you coming to realize is expendable...excess, ego-driven baggage that weighs you down? Are you ready to let go of some of it yet? And what really matters in your life...what will hopefully fill the new space you've created?

In the Zombie Tarot, they've re-named the suit of Pentacles to Hazards. I have no idea why. A quick perusal of the book offers no clue. I'm not a big reader, so if I can't find it in a skim, I'm happy to declare it unfindable. I'm sure there was a really good reason, though. 

This zombie knight has worked really hard in his life and has attained some success. He owns a nice gravesite on the good side of town. When a limb falls off, he can afford to get it reattached. And he has fresh, certified organic brains delivered three times a week—no need for hunting. He has everything an undead could want. But does he have what he needs?

The Knight of Hazards asks us to reevaluate what's important to us and what is truly expendable. This is something I'm contemplating myself lately as I continue to reassess what is serving me in my life and what is not. I've already set some changes into motion, putting my energy into things that are more healing and nurturing. 

Today's big thing was reclaiming my bedroom. I had been sleeping on a blow-up mattress that nearly swallowed all the open space in the downstairs of my small home because my dog was recovering from surgery and couldn't go upstairs where the bedrooms are. But today I deflated the mattress.

I essentially worked and slept in the same room for three months—a room that you could barely walk through because of the big mattress in the middle. It sucks your energy. And during this same period of time I not only helped my dog through his recovery, but I watched my brother die. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I have lost a lot of people in my life and none has affected me more thus far. Never lose a sibling if you can manage it. 

So anyway, it has been a difficult few months. And the Deflating of the Mattress was symbolic of many things. First, it's a signal that things are getting back to normal around here. It's symbolic of the clutter I've been clearing out of my psyche and my life over the past month or more. But I also made sure I deflated the mattress while my dog was watching. I know he'd like to keep being the baby and not have to deal with climbing the stairs again, but it's time. There's a lesson in that for all of us, I suppose.

One of the interesting things that has happened as I've begun to move away from old patterns is that new old patterns have come swooping in. Start to move away from compulsive eating and new compulsive behaviors try to swoop in. Back when I quit smoking, it was important to me not to replace one addiction for another. In a way, I ended up doing just that. I had a mean gum chewing issue for a while, but eventually weaned off of it. 

And I'm feeling the same way now...I'm moving away from something akin to addictive, compulsive behaviors and I don't want to trade issues. A brief, frenzied foray into ebay shopping and the hell of manic bidding this past week pointed that out to me quite clearly. So now I'm searching my soul, trying to get to the bottom of what I've REALLY been feeding all these years.

So this is the Knight of Hazards at work within me. What matters and what is truly expendable? I know the RARE! gemstone jewelry I purchased this week on ebay doesn't matter to me. I know that very few of the hundreds of tarot decks I own don't matter to me. I know a lot of the crap I have around this house doesn't matter to me. And I know my dogs DO matter to me. And my dreams matter to me. And my health matters to me, even though I don't always act that way. And some key relationships matter to me. And my spirituality matters to me. And that's where I am right now. 

I can't help but think I'm going to learn something really profound if I manage to continue on the road I'm on. I had mentioned before that my brother's death awakened me to some of the realities around me. That's what set me on this course in the first place. As if a fog had been lifted. But I suspect there's even more fog to go. That's the path of discovery in our lives...a series of lifted fogs that take us out of our ego-driven concerns and merge our humanness with our divinity as we peek further and further into what really matters. The road can be both painful and joyful, frustrating and freeing. And though I'd like to be a baby and stay camped at the last turnoff, I'm finally moving forward despite myself. And I'm grateful for that.

5/12/12-5/13/12—Moving Toward the Light

Weekend Reading: The Devil from the Tierney's Delight tarot by Beth Seilonen. What is holding you back from flying large and free? We all have some sort of unhealthy behavior lurking in the wings. Maybe it's a relationship that's run its course. Or a set of beliefs. A bad habit or behavior. Or a flat out addiction. You may not acknowledge it to others, but you can't escape it in your head. It mocks you. It never goes away. And you never get around to doing anything about it. As a person who smoked for 26 years (and has been quit for 8), this much I know for sure—there will never be a "good time" to quit drinking, leave your boyfriend, change a bad habit, step away from something you no longer believe, etc. So since there's never going to be a good time, you may as well do something now. The first step is to identify and acknowledge that thing inside your head that is telling you to move in another direction. If you haven't done that yet, do that this weekend and start thinking about your plan for change. And if you've already done that, make one step toward change—seek out a 12-step program, buy an exercise ball, check out a new apartment, investigate other churches in your area...whatever makes sense to your issue. It doesn't have to be big. It just has to be enough to show the universe you want change. Every day you don't do this, the calendar turns another page. Your stash of pages is limited. Don't waste another day in breaking free of the chains that bind you. Move toward the light!

And, hey....check out the tarot deck named after ME at http://www.catseyeart.com/catalog/i80.html