Sunday, October 28, 2012

10/28/12—Remembering Moments That Changed Things Forever

Today's Draw Classic*: Page of Pentacles from the Abyssal Tarot. Have you recently had a lightbulb moment? Or have you felt blocked in meeting a goal, then experienced a sudden breakthrough? Can you think of an isolated moment in your life that changed everything forever?

The book for this deck says, "She is the bearer of transforming news. She pieces together that last bit of important information that then changes everything. The world has turned upside down. That once occluded is now obvious."

This card is talking about those lightbulb moments you have now and again. In the psychic biz (haha), moments of spontaneous insight happen all the time. That's kind of how information comes through. You're trying to figure out the split-second blurs of information that come into your head and, all of a sudden, an insight hits you and everything makes sense.

The card is also talking about those moments, good or bad, when something changes forever. Maybe you're feeling a little woozy, then you find out you're pregnant. Bam! Insight and life-changing moment all in one! 

I spent part of the summer of my 21st year in Europe, staying with my sister in Germany between trips. By that time my mom was very sick with cancer. And I remember one day Janet and I were talking and she said "you know mom's going to die, right? She's not going to get better." 

That moment changed everything for me. And Janet doesn't even remember it. So maybe something (Granny Irene?) temporarily possessed her to put that message forth, but I remember it. Because it changed everything. I didn't know she was going to die. I should have known. It was clear. But I was too idealistic to realize that she really wasn't going to get better.

In the moment, it hurt. It was such a sharp awakening that it stunned me. But from that moment forward, I approached every moment with my mother as something sacred. I got to spend a good amount of time around her between that summer and when she died at the end of December. We got to talk about things previously left unsaid. And because she knew I wasn't in denial anymore, we had an understanding. Having that relationship with her before she died goes down as one of the greatest gifts of my life, even though much of it was spent watching her wither away. Anyone who's witnessed it knows the injustice of cancer. 

I wasn't really meaning to get so heavy...haha. I just go where these entries lead me. Another life-changing moment I can think of is an unfortunate meeting I once had with a boss, where my lack of grace (coupled with my boss' lack of grace) in handling a situation got me in trouble at work and made me feel insecure in my job. Everything about that meeting completely changed the way I felt working at that agency. So I started looking for another job.  And I couldn't find a good fit. So one day, after an interview, I threw up my hands in a dramatic way and said to myself, "I should just become a freelancer." Thus, in a second life-changing moment, an idea was born. Within a week I turned in my notice and started to freelance and have been happily self employed ever since. 

What it all comes down to is this—for every darkness, there's a dawn, whether the darkness is a lack of clarity or an onslaught of depression. Just wait and, out of the blue, the light will switch on and everything will be changed. Forever. What kind of moments have you had like that?

(I want to take this opportunity to acknowledge my sister, Janet. She reads these things every day and never knows when I'm going to mention her name or blaspheme my siblings or open up emotional family wounds. And she doesn't care. She just likes reading what her little sister writes. :) )

*Updated from an entry made on 11/18/11, which was possibly, to the day, when my brother found out his really bad chest cold was lung cancer. That moment change the lives of his entire family and countless others in the community. He died five months later. This past weekend his community dedicated a charity run to his memory. 

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