Wednesday, October 31, 2012

11/1/12—Getting Over That Final Hump

Today's Draw: Nine of Wands from the Dreaming Way Tarot. Do you have a personal, intimate relationship with yourself right now? Do you feel like all your energy is fed-by (and given to) external sources? What's the "final hump" you need to get past in order to achieve holistic success in your life?

The Nine of Wands is about gathering up that final bit of energy so you can make one last push toward your goal. The older I get, the more I feel like Nine of Wands moments come more often...haha. Exhausted and fatigued, you push through to eventual success. 

I look back, say, 15 years and think I had so much more energy. But when I look at all I do now, I'm pretty sure I do more now than I did then. I did more socializing then, sure. But I do more work now. And I continue to take more on. Recently I've heard about a couple of different groups that want me to deliver my tarot and psychic development classes, for example. And I'm interested in doing more of that because I do enjoy teaching. 

On the other hand, it takes a long time to develop these classes. So if they're interested in something I haven't taught yet, it takes a lot of time to come up with that stuff, which I usually do in the evenings. And then there's the time teaching them takes from my weekends. This year I've been teaching and developing three new classes a month on average. So I find myself working sometimes a couple/few months straight without a weekend off. 

Meanwhile, my REAL job as a freelance copywriter is moving along busily. And I do these blogs six days a week (though I posted repeats all week this week...haha...sorry). Put it all together and I can see why I feel like I'm always in a Nine of Wands moment. And the thing is, there's none of it I would willingly give up. I enjoy my job and it brings me money. I enjoy teaching. And I like the discipline and daily deep thought of writing this blog. 

I was talking to another woman earlier today and we were talking about how, at our tender, advanced ages (haha), we're also less amenable to putting up with BS along the way. Stuff I would go along with fifteen years ago—and even five years ago—is just one stone too many for this camel's back. So there are certain colleagues I won't work with, types of friends I won't hang with and situations I won't get myself into. 

Like I said, though, I socialized more 15 years ago. I exercised more 15 years ago. So I'm looking for a solution that works for me today...something to give more balance to my life. I need the exercise. There's no denying that. But I also need something to capture my spirit and that's been elusive lately. I still meditate a lot, but I think I'm looking for something more along the line of my solo trips to the river. 

The Nine of Wands can be about using your very last bit of energy, and that's usually how it's intended. But I think it can also be a Bat-signal in the sky saying, "find something other than work and dogs to fuel your life, Tierney". I hate being at this place, because I know better than to get lost in the haze. But in my enthusiasm with the tarot stuff and the book writing and blog writing over the past couple of years—and now my new little doggie—I see that I've set aside some piece of me that takes me off the hamster wheel of outwardly focused (and fed) energy. 

I don't regret taking on more, because it's all purpose-built for my present and future. I've got a great product coming out for tarotists in the spring, I teach some kick-ass classes, I have an enormous library of spiritual and personal insights from two years of doing this and I've even test-marketed my next book project to you in posts I made earlier this year. But my mistake was in doing it at the cost of my "me" time, instead of in addition to it. 

For me, I guess, that's the final, Nine of Wands hump I need to get over in order to achieve success in my life—finding that way to do all the cool things I get to do on a daily basis without losing myself in it. No matter who you are or what you do, your personal, intimate relationship with yourself is something you should never lose sight of. 

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