8/27/12—Greeting Your Shadow Side

Today's Draw: Three of Wands from the Bohemian Gothic. What fears stand between you and what you want? Are there projects in your life that you never seem to complete? If you're not ready to change your situation, are you ready to let go of the dream of making it different?

I was upstairs in my room trying to think of what this week's topic would be when one of the most spectacular decks known to all mankind caught my eye—The Bohemian Gothic Silver. Photos can't possibly capture this deck because parts of it are printed in silver ink that makes some of the images seem almost three-dimensional. But when you try to scan or photograph the silver aspect of it, it just seems like the colors are muted. (I found this image of the card online. I don't whether it came from the silver or the regular edition.) The effect is all in how the light and ink and eye interact. Long story short, however, I decided that this week is going to be Shadow Side Week and I'm going to use all my "dark" decks (which basically means gothic or vampire themed decks).

Our shadow sides are our darker sides...the sides we pretty up, deny, hide away or otherwise keep from view. The shadow side can include addictions, fetishes, angry thoughts, "dark" moods, etc. Or it can include beliefs and behaviors that hold us back or defeat us. The reason the shadow side is important to explore is because things will never change and we won't move forward if we keep sweeping it under the rug. As the saying goes, monsters live in the dark. The only way to defeat them and move past those barriers is to bring them out in the light. 

The Three of Wands is a card of planning ahead. A card of vision, hope and ambition. Here's this woman amidst all this darkness and decay, but she keeps her eyes forward, toward the future. No dark side here.

But if we were to look for a dark side in this card (and for the tarot peeps, I'm not talking about a reversal), it might be someone who is always planning and dreaming, but never takes practical steps toward a goal. Or someone who has too much anxiety to move past their fears toward their dreams. Someone, perhaps, who can't see past the gloom of their current situation to a brighter future. Someone who flies by the seat of their pants, never making a plan. Someone who has a lot of unfinished projects going on. Or someone who feels so trapped by their situation that all they have is daydreams and fantasies.

Lurking beneath any dark side situation, to one degree or another, is fear. Rather than look at that fear and acknowledge it, it's easier to just make excuses. "Oh, those are just dreams." "I'm so busy trying to keep my head above water that I can't move forward." "There's always time to pursue that dream." "The odds of me succeeding are unlikely, but it's nice to think about." "I can't start on X until I take care of Y."

That last one is similar to one I tend to use when I tell myself why I can't be working on such and such right now. I imagine a set of perfect conditions under which I can pursue something. For example, I don't have a man in my life. And I don't have a man in my life partly because I'm comfortable with the way things are. But part of me believes that any man I meet will mirror back to me what I feel and think about myself. So I would like to be in a position where I'm feeling really good about myself before I meet a man. I think it makes perfect sense. And it does.

But I also know that beneath that is a fear...a fear that I'll be disappointed. Or lose my equilibrium. Or lose my focus on other aspects of my life. Or become co-dependent. I haven't had nice, nurturing relationships in the past and, frankly, I'm not sure one exists out there for me. The story I tell myself is that when all the pros and cons are added up, I'm better off alone. After all, that's what my experience has been so far. I'm not really blaming it on anyone but myself. I'm in command of my equilibrium and happiness, not them. I'm afraid of losing who I am and what I enjoy of my life, and being set back emotionally and spiritually in the process because that's what I've done in the past. In that sense, I don't trust myself. 

Yet, on the other hand, I'm on a spiritual path that is a huge part of my life. And relationships of all kinds are essential to the learning path. Whereas many other people might need to work on their ability to be alone, it's the opposite for me. Being a hermit is safe and comfortable. Most people that know me think I'm an extrovert and comfortable with others. But it's a stretch for me. Doing some of the things I do...teaching classes and being social...that's hard for me. I can do one-on-one, but when it involves a crowd, I can feel very exposed and uncomfortable.

Another aspect of the Three of Wands is that you're on the verge of things coming together. This is the card of "ships coming in". So all your planning is about to pay off. But in some regards you can stay in that place of "just about to pay off" forever. Or at least tell yourself you're there. Before the actual payoff, though, you have to make that final leap that takes you from this card to the next where you've achieved something worth celebrating. You have to truly to commit to the direction and you have to be prepared to face either victory or failure. For some people, victory is as hard to face as failure is. 

So this all comes back around again to you. If there's something you want out there that you haven't been able to get, what fears hold you back from it? Why does your shadow side keep you on this side success? And if you're not willing to do anything about it, are you willing to let the dream go?

4/12/12—Figuring Out Who the Bad Guy Is

Today's Draw: Seven of Wands from the Bohemian Gothic Tarot by Karen Mahony and Alex Ukolov. Do you know someone who enjoys raising a big stink? When this happens, do you tune them out or do you put them in their place? And if you put them in their place, what payoff do you get from engaging in the drama?

Sometimes I'm not sure if I make the card I draw each day fit something relevant in my life, or if the tarot is really as magic as it seems. But the last couple of days it seems the card I've chosen has mirrored a conversation I've JUST had with someone. And today, I'm pulling the meaning right out of the book, so I don't know how it could be anything other than magic! :)

This is the Seven of Wands from the Bohemian Gothic, one of the most treasured decks in all the land. And, though it's not pictured that way here, I drew it from my silver deck, which puts a metallic sheen everywhere the light hits, drawing you deeper into the shadowy depths of each card. The silver ink makes it seem like the only two colors in the card are silver and a blackish blueish black. You have to look really closely to see the slight red inside the monster's mouth. I go on about this because, even though this is a "dark" deck meant to explore the shadow side, it is probably one of the most breathtaking and hauntingly beautiful decks you'll ever see in its silver incarnation—a true testament to the artistry of Karen Mahony and Alex Ukolov.

Anyway, now that I'm done salivating over these cards, the Seven of Wands is about those battles that you take on knowing you'll win. So if you get this card, you're likely to have a favorable outcome in a fight. But because this is a shadow deck, there's something darker lurking behind the eyes of the monster in the window—he's fighting for sport. For fun. Because he gets a kick out of stirring the pot. Because he enjoys seeing everyone get their panties in a wad. That's why he knows he'll win. The battle's not about principle or anything that really matters to him. It's about creating chaos and luring others into the dark.

This wins my vote for the most brilliant 

card ever created. The addict collapses

into the Devil's arms while the Devil shoots
 her up with morphine. It captures both the

essence of addiction and the Devil card meaning.

We all know people like that, right? Maybe they don't even do it consciously. But they're so married to conflict and drama that it follows them wherever they go. Many times they're the cause of it, making issues where there are none. But while their "victims" like to stand around and point and call them out on it, they don't usually see that, by doing so, they're becoming equal partners in the game. It's easy to blame it all on the troublemaker, but the fact is, it takes two parties to have a fight. 

Anytime there is a conflict between two sides, one side always entrains to the vibration of the other. The "attacked" could take the high road and act with love and peace, causing the belligerent one to limp away wondering what went wrong. But what usually happens is that the "attacked" side engages in the fight, eventually ending up as the very monster they're fighting. 

In one area of my life, I am gratefully on the sidelines of such a battle. As we discussed earlier this week with the universe testing you to define your boundaries, I have fought these battles enough in my life to know what happens and the role I play in perpetuating them. And staying out of this is one of the tests I've passed to show the universe how serious I am about disengaging from this kind of drama. And, being an observer this time around, the dynamic is so clear. 

There's one side that, whether consciously or not, enjoys stirring the pot. And there's another side that, while claiming to be morally superior, has dived in, fangs drawn. They feel justified in this behavior and I don't don't think they realize how they have now become the one stirring the pot...the attacker...the monster...the very thing they are fighting against. Nobody's morally superior anymore. Everybody's the bad guy. No doubt you've seen this kind of thing before in your life and, if you're like me, you've also been the "morally superior" one who has eventually embarrassed yourself by how low you've stooped.

One side always entrains to the other side's vibration. And when we participate in battles such as this, no matter how justified we are, we only succeed in devolving. There is no evolution in places where you allow yourself to be pulled down into a lower energy. Even if you have every right to be bitchy right back to the other person. The only evolution—the only way to actually BE the better person you claim to be—lies in compassion, forgiveness and rising above. It's not easy, especially when the other side is so good at pushing your buttons. But until you rise above, you're nothing more than their puppet. 

So if you're currently being drained by and drawn into this type of thing, stop. Just stop. You're not fighting the battle you think you're fighting. You're just being toxic right alongside your attacker and you're better than this. So not another word or action about it, whether in public or behind the scenes. Lead the charge of love, instead of revenge. Open your heart to others and use this as an opportunity to evolve.