11/13/12—Absorbing the Mother

Today's Draw Classic: The Moon from the Rohrig Tarot. What have you inherited from your mother? Is it possible you've inherited more than just physical and personality traits? Do you have memories, leanings and wounds you can't account for?

The Moon card is a card of the unconscious, a place of our most primal urgings, nightmares, motivations, fears and emotions. It is where the seeds of creativity are planted. The place from which our fears rush forth. All those answers we spend our lifetimes seeking are locked within this frightening and alluring place. 

The symbol to the right of the moon is Othala, a rune symbol of inheritance. From time to time I think about the things we inherit from our parents...the things that are passed down from generation to generation. For example, I have my mother's Irish features. I have her poetic, spiritual soul. And I have a funny way of saying "ing" words that, apparently, is common in American children of British parents.

These are the kind of genetic and social inheritances we all know about. But what I sometimes think about is, is it possible to inherit psychic scars...traumas? For example, when one of my brothers was in my mother's womb, she had a sudden and dramatic fear of heights while standing on a mountaintop. That brother is the only one in our family that was born with a terrible fear of heights. My mother only had that phobia that one time. So it's like something in the chemical change that particular day was transferred to him and latched on to. 

So, to the degree that a mother who, say, smoked crack, passes that chemical dependency on to her children, can there be more subtle ways of exchanging chemically coded information in the womb? Can the same thing be said about thoughts? Aversions? Fears? Traumas? And other high-octane emotions, good or bad? All those things change the chemical makeup of a person.

My mother died when I was 21, so all those kinds of questions you might ask your mother as an adult never got asked by me. So many of the things I would be curious about are lost to the ether, because there's no one alive who has the answers. And some of the things I'd like to know are things only she could have answered anyway, because they're more the kind of questions you ask yourself. 

She was the oldest of five children. She was, we believe, sexually abused by her father. Then he abandoned the family and the mother went to work, leaving my mother with the children. Then the Germans bombed their home for a few years during WWII and my mother was in charge in rations, so she decided who would eat and how much. All of this before she was an adult.

How can that kind of persistent stress not change your entire chemical makeup? And how can that not affect any child you carry inside you, even years later? I often wonder if I carry some of those psychic wounds inside me...if they are the reason behind some of the fears and defenses that I can't seem to find the origin of when I poke around in my murky unconscious. And yet I debate whether the influence is entirely chemical or subtle social influences that occurred beneath my awareness. 

Likewise, my mother was born in India and the first couple of years of her life were spent living there and in Egypt. She was blessed by Ghandi. Some of her first words were in Hindustani. She was weaned on the mystical energies of pyramids, sun gods and Ganesha. Though my mother had no religious allegiance and rarely brought these things up, how come I've been SO fascinated by mysticism, polytheism and more earth or elementally based beliefs all my life? The only religion actually brought into our household and encouraged in any measure was Catholicism/Christianity.

The thing is, by the time I came along, she'd healed enough to be in a stable relationship with a good man who made her feel safe. My older siblings remember things that could be traced back to her childhood traumas, but by the time I rolled around in her mid-thirties, she didn't seem to carry those scars with her in a significant way anymore. But perhaps she did. And as for the spiritual stuff, more than anything for ME, the house was religion neutral or even religion-free. My siblings, however, were all raised Catholic.

It's an interesting thing to consider. I speak of my mother, of course, because a father only offers genes to the equation, while we absorb so much more from the mother during gestation. The plant may come from the fertilized seed, but it's significantly affected by the quality and chemical makeup of the soil it grows in. Of course so much of its "programming" comes from genes alone. So I debate. And waffle. And wonder. 

What do you think of all of this? Are there aspects of you that can't find the roots for in yourself, but you can see how the roots might extend to your mother? Do you think the origins occurred in vitro or were they passed to you through social means? And if you're a mother, can you see how some intense emotional moment that might have happened during your pregnancy shaped your child in some way?

*Adapted from a post originally made on 2/23/12

3/27/12—Moving Toward Mysticism

Today's Draw: Eight of Rainbows from the Osho Zen—Ordinariness. What actions bring you into union with the divine? What activities do you tend to do with reverence or ritual? Is union with the soul of God something you intentionally seek, something that happens when it happens, or something you don't think about at all?

The Osho Zen is one of my favorite decks. It's a non-traditional deck based on the teachings of Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, aka Osho, an Indian mystic. I really resonate with Eastern spirituality. My mother was born in India and, when she was two, Ghandi came through her village and blessed her. 

Although she was raised Roman Catholic, her heart wasn't there. Instead of a bible, she kept the Rubaiyat in her bedside table. It's a collection of poems by Sufi mystic Omar Khayyam. Depending on the translation, some call them devotional poems, others see them as atheistic. She died before I ever thought to ask her, but I tend to think she veered more toward spirituality and mysticism than religion. I don't think she ever made it an official journey, but I sometimes feel I inherited her path. It wasn't until after she died that I ever thought of stuff like this. 

Mystics are on a path to unite with the higher power through self surrender and contemplation and, thereby, gain greater enlightenment. It's more of a spiritual path than a religious path. I see religion as divine knowledge that is brought to you by sources outside of yourself and spirituality as divine knowledge that comes from a personal relationship with source. Mysticism is beyond a relationship...it's a direct union with source. 

This card is one of those paths to divine union. It speaks of total immersion in even the most mundane of tasks—cleaning the house, tending garden, chopping wood. When we do that, we lose ourselves and find ease and joy in the moment. We transcend mind and ego and. Just. Are. 

In those moments, I leave this earth and become part of the all. And I'm not talking about cleaning the house while kicking and screaming the whole way. I'm talking about being in the zone, losing all thought and losing time. I get that way when I'm writing. And I also get that way when I'm tending my container garden. 

Writing and container gardening (I make that distinction because, oddly, I dislike working in regular gardens) are things that automatically take me there. But then there are actions I perform with reverence that also take me away. One of those things is preparing ceremonies. I make the incense, anoint things with oil and carefully plan every step of the process. And then there are intentional paths to union with the divine, such as meditation.

This card asks us all to find the joy and beauty in the ordinary things of life. It really is a choice, you know. Just like with yesterday's card about wanting what you have, bringing reverence into ordinary tasks can make them extraordinary. Both are paths to God and if you don't believe there is a God, both are paths to happiness. Because both are about letting go...about stopping the fight. 

When we're never satisfied with what we have, we're resisting. When we hate what we're doing, we're resisting. When we accept and allow, we fall into the flow. This doesn't mean accepting or putting up with things that are unhealthy in your life. You know the things in life that you're holding on to and resisting against. They're the things that bring you pain. When letting go brings relief, that's the accepting and allowing I'm talking about. 

So consider the things that bring you pain or resistance. What can you let go of? And what in your life can you bring reverence to? What can you do today that brings you together with God?

2/23/12—Absorbing the Mother

Today's Draw: The Moon from the Rohrig Tarot. What have you inherited from your mother? Is it possible you've inherited more than just physical and personality traits? Do you have memories, leanings and wounds you can't account for?

The Moon card is a card of the unconscious, a place of our most primal urgings, nightmares, motivations, fears and emotions. It is where the seeds of creativity are planted. The place from which our fears rush forth. All those answers we spend our lifetimes seeking are locked within this frightening and alluring place. 

The symbol to the right of the moon is Othala, a rune symbol of inheritance. From time to time I think about the things we inherit from our parents...the things that are passed down from generation to generation. For example, I have my mother's Irish features. I have her poetic, spiritual soul. And I have a funny way of saying "ing" words that, apparently, is common in American children of British parents.

These are the kind of genetic and social inheritances we all know about. But what I sometimes think about is, is it possible to inherit psychic scars...traumas? For example, when one of my brothers was in my mother's womb, she had a sudden and dramatic fear of heights while standing on a mountaintop. That brother is the only one in our family that was born with a terrible fear of heights. My mother only had that phobia that one time. So it's like something in the chemical change that particular day was transferred to him and latched on to. 

So, to the degree that a mother who, say, smoked crack, passes that chemical dependency on to her children, can there be more subtle ways of exchanging chemically coded information in the womb? Can the same thing be said about thoughts? Aversions? Fears? Traumas? And other high-octane emotions, good or bad? All those things change the chemical makeup of a person.

My mother died when I was 21, so all those kinds of questions you might ask your mother as an adult never got asked by me. So many of the things I would be curious about are lost to the ether, because there's no one alive who has the answers. And some of the things I'd like to know are things only she could have answered anyway, because they're more the kind of questions you ask yourself. 

She was the oldest of five children. She was, we believe, sexually abused by her father. Then he abandoned the family and the mother went to work, leaving my mother with the children. Then the Germans bombed their home for a few years during WWII and my mother was in charge in rations, so she decided who would eat and how much. All of this before she was an adult.

How can that kind of persistent stress not change your entire chemical makeup? And how can that not affect any child you carry inside you, even years later? I often wonder if I carry some of those psychic wounds inside me...if they are the reason behind some of the fears and defenses that I can't seem to find the origin of when I poke around in my murky unconscious.

Likewise, my mother was born in India and the first couple of years of her life were spent living there and in Egypt. She was blessed by Ghandi. Some of her first words were in Hindustani. She was weaned on the mystical energies of pyramids, sun gods and Ganesha. Though my mother had no religious allegiance and rarely brought these things up, how come I've been SO fascinated by mysticism, polytheism and more earth or elementally based beliefs all my life? The only religion actually brought into our household and encouraged in any measure was Catholicism/Christianity.

It's a slippery slope, because who's to say it's not behaviorally inherited from the way she carried herself in the world? The thing is, by the time I came along, she'd healed enough to be in a stable relationship with a good man who made her feel safe. My older siblings remember things that could be traced back to her childhood traumas, but by the time I rolled around in her mid-thirties, she didn't seem to carry those scars with her in a significant way anymore. But perhaps she did. And as for the spiritual stuff, more than anything for ME, the house was religion neutral or even religion-free. My siblings, however, were all raised Catholic.

It's an interesting thing to consider. I speak of my mother, of course, because a father only offers genes to the equation. And while I do often wonder if some of this stuff is encoded in the genes, only the mother offers the environment for growth. The plant may come from the fertilized seed, but it's significantly affected by the quality and chemical makeup of the soil it grows in.

What do you think of all of this? Are there aspects of you that can't find the roots for in yourself, but you can see how the roots might extend to your mother? Do you think the origins occurred in vitro or were they passed to you through social means? And if you're a mother, can you see how some intense emotional moment that might have happened during your pregnancy shaped your child in some way?

1/5/12—Killing By Not Acknowledging

Today's Draw: Nine of Feathers from the Margarete Petersen. Do you confront your fears or hide from them? Would you rather have a deep conversation with someone who thinks just like you do or someone who thinks differently? Do you ever hope that people would see the whole of you, rather than just judge you based something they don't understand?

Normally the thoughts on this blog are ones I take full credit for, but this Nine of Feathers (Swords) presents something I probably wouldn't have come up with on my own. Here is an excerpt of what it says in the little white book (lwb) that comes with the deck: 

"Killing by not acknowledging." "Walk towards that which you reject and fear."

The "killing by not acknowledging" thing is about how we bury our pains and fears, whether they're personal ones that live inside us or social ones in our environment. It's also about how we manage to remain in our own little cocoons where everything is just as we think it is and everyone agrees. 

Lots of lively discussion this week about connecting...about seeing our enemy as ourself, about accepting different beliefs and about connecting directly to God. Of course, killing by not acknowledging is the opposite of all that. And I think we all know that the "things we kill by not acknowledging" never actually die. They just kind of fester and eat at us. The longer you look at today's image, the more you'll see the horror, pain and emotional disfigurement denial or ignoring brings. Some of us are very good at it. But even experts at compartmentalization get snuck up on from behind by the things they pretend aren't there. 

OK. Confession time. If there's anything better than Wife Swap on TV, it's the new Celebrity Wife Swap...haha. Have you seen it? Only a couple of episodes have aired. And the most recent one was when Gary Busey's girlfriend swapped places with Ted Haggard's wife. Ted Haggard is that evangelical minister that supposedly bought a male hooker and some drugs. And Gary Busey is a new age-y (but Christian minded) eccentric actor with anger management issues and a full vocabulary of what he calls "Buseyisms". 

Anyway, at one point Busey basically told Haggard that reincarnation is real because he says so. Then he brought a Lakota healer in to recover her "lost soul". Through the first half of the swap, he didn't seem sensitive at all to the fact that this is a woman who is married to a man who is a preacher, and they have given their entire lives over to their beliefs. It was like he was in his own reality where this woman came to him looking to right herself on her path.  

The second half of this show is when the "wife" gets to make the rules. And the show made it look like she might go all Christian on his ass. At least it seemed that way to me. But what she in fact did was open her heart to him...not necessarily in a Christian way, but in a personal and emotionally intimate way. And instead of Busey getting his ego all up in a wad because it was all about her, he listened. And they shared a beautiful experience. Their hearts opened up to each other. They related as people, from a point of commonality and not from a point of being different. And you know what? The differences didn't matter so much anymore, because they were able to genuinely what was common between them both spiritually and humanly. As she drove away she said something like, "we're a lot alike".

Now this isn't the best example of what today's card is talking about, but it's in my mind still from having just watched it. They didn't walk away from what they rejected or feared about each other, they met at a point of commonality and stayed open beyond that.

We can walk into situations with people who are unlike us and walk away as unchanged and closed minded as when we entered. We can decide we won't like someone before we even meet them. Or we can treat everything like a learning experience, start on common ground, then find a way to ease into those things we normally refuse to acknowledge. When you think about it, it's a way of being genuine. Either you pretend to be interested, pretend to "be" with a person or pretend to connect just so you can keep anything real from happening between you. Or you can really connect.

For those of us who feel "different", we hope for our critics to see who we are...beyond the things they critique us for. Whatever that difference is, it's only one part of us—we're not all colored by just one stroke. Chances are, your critics hope for the same thing. Or someone you're critical of does. Again to the Ghandi quote, "be the change you want to see in this world".

You've probably heard the saying, "monsters live in the dark." Well, the more we walk into those situations that make us cringe...haha...the more we illuminate our fears and the more we learn about ourselves. The growth and change and triumph doesn't come from anything the "other side" has to say. It comes from our willingness to listen, push past our fears and see the world with an open mind, open eyes and open heart. 

1/3/12—Getting Over Your Bad-Ass Superior Self

Today's Draw: The Two of Swords from the Housewives Tarot. Can you fairly and impartially say that your God is better than my God...or anyone else's God? Do you think that some people come here to be on a spiritual path and others come here to be monsters? Are you ready to really question your integrity when it comes to your beliefs?

The Two of Swords is about being fair and impartial in your assessment of things. All the posts I make are about self development and spirituality, but yesterday's post inspired me to try to equate this week's posts to big lessons we need to learn on the spiritual path. So that's what I'm going to do, assuming the cards cooperate. And today they certainly did. (Meanwhile, I just love the Housewives Tarot...it's so kitschy. So if you're on my blog, you'll get to see a few extra pictures from it.)

Being fair and balanced is, I think, one of the hardest things people learn on their spiritual path. And there are two contexts I'll use to illustrate why. Of course this depends on peoples' beliefs, but I'd venture to say most people reading this will agree:

1. We are all here for a reason and we walk different paths based on that reason... and we all come here with struggles to overcome and pains to heal. 
2. There is a higher power that is good and is the one true higher power.  

Now, while most people can agree on those points, many of us struggle to find our balance, fairness and impartiality on those points. Here's what I mean. (And, by the way, if you don't agree with those points, read on. Because the same principles apply to you, too.)

Let's pretend you have a "mean" and "immature" boss. Well if you believe we're all here for a reason, that boss is on a path just like you are, and they're just in a different place along that path. They may be ahead of you in, say, manifesting success and behind you in treating everyone like a beloved lamb of God, for example. So let's say they make you take the blame for something they did at work. In that moment (and all moments afterward, probably) you might have a tendency to dehumanize them. They are no longer on a path and struggling just like you. They are a monster, demented, abusive and something must be done about them. Bad monster! MEAN monster!!!! SICK MONSTER!!!!

OK, that example is a little dramatic, but admit it. You do that. You've done that. We all have.

Being fair and balanced in our beliefs requires us to move past that kind of "us and them" thinking. Having integrity in the belief that all humans are here on a spiritual path that is uniquely their own and not for us to judge, means allowing the "monster" their imperfection. When you see the boss as someone who is so pained by insecurity that they can't take responsibility for their actions, well gosh, haven't we all been there at some point in our lives? 

Being fair means realizing that they struggle just like we do. It means looking into that person's eyes and seeing yourself, even if their lessons are not yours to learn in this lifetime and even if they're way behind schedule learning it and even if they hurt you in the process. Because, let's face it, we all have something crappy to deal with on our plate that someone else skates effortlessly past. For me, one of those things is my struggle with my weight. Something so easy for many of you—moderate diet and exercise—is something I feel powerless against and overwhelmed by. 

Being fair and balanced is allowing everyone else their own crap, even if they are a serial killer. Yes. Even if they're a serial killer. It doesn't mean you have to be their friend. Doesn't mean you have to approve of their behavior. And it doesn't mean their actions don't hurt or piss you off. It just means that if you believe we're all here for a reason and can't judge another's path, then you can't judge their path and label them a monster. You can't continue to see them as something separate from you. Because they're not. They ARE you. They're a spirit struggling in their human skin, just as you are. They're simply learning different lessons and having different difficulties than you in this lifetime. And thank God their issues aren't your cross to bear this time around. But you know what? If you believe in reincarnation, you will, in one lifetime or another, do something so heinous that you will be reviled, too. We all have it in us. Thank god only a few of us have to go there this time around.

Allowing others their stuff is a hard one and probably one we'll always have to work on. So is the next one...the one about God is good and there is only one God. Yes, I have a vision of "God" and, as I said yesterday, I call it the Universe. It's not a being, but an energy. It is a good energy. It is the bestest, juiciest energy ever. To hear me talk about it, you'd think I was talking about Joel Osteen's God. I am. And I'm not. 

Years back I had a terrible dislike of anything Christian. I saw Christians, in general, as misguided hypocrites who talk about Christ like he's his Father (I still don't understand that one) and preach about forgiveness and non-judgment in the same breath as they tell you you're going to burn in hell for being a non-believer. Certainly that was my experience, as seen through my lens at the time.

Meanwhile, I would talk about MY god and how MY god was the SAME god as their god, but MY god was nicer and wouldn't burn anyone in hell. And I'd wonder, "why can't those hypocrites see that my god and their god are the same god, but we just see him through different eyes?"

I should have been asking that question of myself, right? Because if I was fair and balanced in my assessment that there is only one god—a god adept enough to show itself to us in different flavors to accommodate the free will we have here on earth—then I would love their god, too. Because there is no "my" god and "their" god. There is only one god. And instead of looking for the hypocrisy within their beliefs, I'd look in their eyes and see that the love and reverence and hope they had Him all wrapped up in was the exact same as mine. If I were truly fair and balanced and impartial and walking in integrity with my belief, I would allow them their god and their beliefs and their struggles on their paths with their beliefs, rather than see them as something outside of me, different than me, less than me.

It doesn't mean I don't still see hypocrisies and inconsistencies in the beliefs of others, just as my earlier point doesn't mean I don't see when people are acting unkindly or unfairly. What it means is that I'm honest enough to see the hypocrisies and inconsistencies in my own beliefs and behaviors—no belief system is bullet proof. And I'm fair enough in my assessment of others to see that they're struggling and in pain just like me. Just with different stuff.

And here's the thing, I didn't have to compromise anything of what I believe in order to be more inclusive. In fact, I merely had to act in integrity with my beliefs. If there is one true God, as most religions teach, then we all believe in the same one. Even if we call it/him/her/them by different names. And (and I know this is my personal belief and not necessarily the belief of others) the dude is SO cool that he doesn't care about ego issues like what to call him and how to draw a picture of him. He just wants us to know him, in whatever way we're capable. It's not about changing beliefs at all, imo. It's just a way of seeing things that's more inclusive...more Christ-like, frankly.

So those are the two examples I can think of on the spiritual path where people think they're being fair and impartial and good and right and are totally missing the mark. We're quick to recognize it when it's "them" that's doing it, but not so quick when it's us. And you may not believe as I do, but I'll bet you can apply this to your beliefs, as well.

Again on the 2012 thing, there's a whole group of people out there who believe we need to reach a certain tipping point on this inclusiveness thing in order for society to survive. The philosophy is known as Oneness...the idea that we are all one. They believe this year is critical to that, as though we are at a crossroads. One path leads us further into the dark and the other—the path of inclusiveness and oneness—leads us toward the light. 

Personally I don't buy that it has to happen this year or whatever. And there are those who think the Oneness people are a cult...haha. But honestly, what could it hurt to see the person standing next to you through balanced and impartial eyes? What damage does it do to see others with no other agenda than love in our hearts? How can it do anything but further us on our spiritual paths? Call it Oneness or Christ Consciousness or just being a good person. Call it what you will, but so many of us ask why we can't all do that and be that way, then we sit down in front of the TV and look at Lindsy Lohan and shake our heads in disapproval. That's not walking the talk, people. We've all done it and do it, but it's time to heal that part of us, whether our neighbor or the rest of society joins in or not. Ghandi says "be the change you want to see in the world". It ain't gonna happen any other way, folks. Are you up to the task?