1/5/13-1/6/13—Reading Your Lips

Weekend Reading: Ace of Staves from the Nigel Jackson Tarot. You may recall this is the second time we've had this exact card this week. It's urging us to get to the root of our thoughts and to get to the point in conversations. Dilly dally and deny some other time. This weekend you really need to take the direct route to the heart of the matter or in making your voice heard. That doesn't mean to be rude or cutting. But instead of relying on others to read your mind or read between the lines, let them read your lips. 

1/4/13—Taking Inventory

Today's Draw: Judgement from the Nigel Jackson Tarot. Have you ever really taken a good, honest inventory of your life....your good side as well as the things you may not even admit to yourself? If the two sides were judged against each other, would you be well into the light or just kinda into the light? If you really looked, what would you change and what would you do more of?

The Judgement card is traditionally about resurrection and rebirth and all that jazz. To me, the way his wings are drawn, the Archangel Michael seems to be floating in the midst of a bright orange (the color of the sexual chakra), NSFW, flaming vagina, which would support that rebirth thing. The dead have risen and they'll be purified by the fire and allowed into God's kingdom. 

I don't read the Judgement card that way. I have my own cool way of interpreting it that I wrote about on 11/29/12. But tonight as I was looking at this one in particular, I thought to myself, "what if we were judged on the sum total of what we did in life?" It makes you think. I'm pretty sure we'd all end up on the positive side of the equation, but still....

What if your secret shames and behaviors were held up against your public ones? What if your most honest thoughts about others were held up against the genuine words of praise you offered? What if your dark side were held up against your light? Your angry moments measured against your happiest? Your times of engagement held up against your times of avoidance?

If you really took the time to look at things you'd rather not focus on or see, what might you change? If you looked at all the good you do, where might you find time to do more? There isn't a human among us who doesn't have both sides operating within us every day. And there's nothing wrong with it. But if you thought about it, you'd probably see areas you'd admit could use a change. 

Looking at my own life, most of it is lived in a more or less neutral state. I'm just living and doing the stuff we all need to do to get by. I imagine the same is true for all of us...a big chunk of neutral surrounded by bands of dark and light. And while I figure the good I do and the smiles I spread more than make up for my darker corners, I do see places where I could be kinder of thought and more evolved of action. These things, like much of the good we do, as a matter of fact, are things we brush to the side as we focus on that day-to-day stuff. But these things, good and bad, are critical to what sets us apart in life. 

I'm going to be turning 50 this year. It's not something that weighs on me from a "getting older" standpoint, but it *is* something that weighs on me from a "getting serious about life" standpoint. It seems like kind of a fulcrum to me. Say we live 80 years on average. The first 20 or so are spent preparing to live our life. So 50 is a midpoint in the remaining 60 years....the second half of your adult life. And I'm pretty sure it's the best part, because of your maturity level and self knowledge. So maybe that's why I feel a need to assess, clear and rebirth at this time. I have some pretty big designs on the next 30 years, but I can't achieve all I want without clearing out certain areas of my life. 

What is or has been your experience with an assessment like this? For me, I'm not sure if it's the age thing or just because I'm naturally coming to a turning point. What has inspired this kind of inventory in your life?

1/2/13—Attracting Bad Energy

Today's Draw: Nine of Swords from the Nigel Jackson Tarot. Are you a beacon for a certain type of person or energy in your life? Have you ever really examined why? Would you rather be a victim of these situations, or would you rather be the cause?

Today's card art is one of the reasons I like Nigel Jackson. It's non-traditional, tarot-wise, and just has these great colors and concepts. The meaning of "martyrdom" and "ominous signs" is also non-traditional, seeing as how Swords are the fire suit in this deck. For the non-tarotists, those meanings are closer to the Nine of Swords as an air sign than they are to the Nine of Wands, which is the traditional fire sign in tarot. *nudging the non-tarotists who fell asleep during that last sentence*

We all know people who come upon the same problems with others over and over again in their lives. They know all the perpetrator's problems and pathology. And yet they're completely unaware of the role and responsibility they have in the dynamic. The only explanation is that the other person is an asshole or jealous or mentally ill. And, for some reason, people like that keep finding them. Like the guy in the picture, there's some sort of cloud or demon or bad luck hanging over their head. 

Truth is, all of us have these repeating issues in our lives, whether it's with another person or with life in general. And sometimes it's hard to pinpoint the reasons why. But the reasons are never anything or anyone outside of us. If you're a beacon for all the assholes, idiots and crazies in this world, it's because of something you're doing—or not doing—to attract the behavior. And, like most psychologically and spiritually unhealthy things, it usually driven by some sort of fear. 

An example from my own life is a pattern of attracting people who take advantage...who don't return the energy given in the friendship. Which is not to say all people are like that. I have plenty of people in my life that aren't like that. But that I tend to draw "users" close, then regret it. Some of it is due to a need on my part to be liked and seen as "good". I give so I'll be liked. And the people most attracted to that are people who like to take and not give in return. That's only a part of why I've attracted those people in the past. There's more, because I'm clearly a deeply disturbed person...haha. But you can see how the puzzle pieces fit together. 

Thing is, it's not an issue you can fix as long as you're focusing all your attention on how bad or inconsiderate or crazy they are. You can only fix it if you see where you attract it and focus your attention on fixing it. Otherwise, you'll just attract another. Or create a scenario in your mind where someone is doing the same thing to you. If you go looking for it by seeing it in everyone or thinking people have a secret agenda, you'll find it. 

None of us wants to believe we're the reason things are the way they are in our lives. Personally, I'd rather find out these patterns are all my fault than to find out I have no control over what happens in my life. The scary things are the things we can't change in life, not the ones we can. 

1/1/13—Letting Go Of What No Longer Serves

Today's Draw: Queen of Swords from the Nigel Jackson Tarot. Do you have items that once belonged to a loved one who has passed over? Do you use them and appreciate them, or do they sit in a closet? What things are you holding on to that no longer honor or serve?

This tarot deck has made a home on my bedside table lately and I just love looking at it. So since I brought it downstairs for yesterday's reading, I may as well do an entire week with it. Just so tarot peeps know, Swords are the suit of fire in this deck. And Staves, like we had yesterday, are the suit of air. It's usually the other way around. 

The book that comes with the deck identifies the Queen of Swords as a widow engaged in a spiritual struggle over material odds. It's an interesting interpretation. If a spouse dies, you're left with all their stuff. You probably come into some insurance money. The money can't replace their absence in your life and you feel guilty letting go of anything that's theirs. That would certainly put you in a struggle over material things. 

I know I still keep things of my mother's because I feel too guilty to get rid of them. But I also believe that she no longer gives a crap about any of that stuff. She's been gone 28 years. That's a spiritual struggle, too. 

The same also holds true for those parts of us we've left behind...things that once meant something to use, but no longer do. I know I struggle over stuff like that. It was once something I loved. Like I have a pair of boots I'll probably never wear again. Who knows? But buying those boots was special for me. I had saved up and I loved those boots. They're kind of back in style, but they're more whimsical than I am these days. They're for a 30 year old woman, not a 50 year old. 

And yes, I know I can give all this stuff to charity and someone less fortunate than me can enjoy them. It's not about that. It's about emotional attachment to things. And there will always be things we have an emotional attachment to...unless we're a Buddhist nun or something. That's why they shave their heads...to release their attachment to ego concerns—things that hold value in the outer world. Buddhism is all about the inner world. 

So there's a struggle inside me. Part of me believes that, unless it's something I use and enjoy, I'm disrespecting it anyway. Part of me believes that holding on to things from the past that no longer serve is detrimental to my growth. And part of me just doesn't want to let go. It's a struggle over material things. And I believe deep down that holding on to this stuff is distracting me and slowing me down. And yet I feel frozen in the face of it.

Definitely something I need to look at. Every year I seem to make some indent in all of that, but not at the same speed at which I acquire new stuff. I'm cluttery. Probably no more than many people, but the size of my home and lack of storage space emphasizes it more. Ultimately, though, I'd like to be rid of it all. 

What are you holding on to that no longer honors and serves?

12/31/12—Manifesting Happiness

Today's Draw: Ace of Staves from the Nigel Jackson. What do you want the New Year to bring you? What does that mean in terms of what you have to do to get it? What are you willing to give up in order to experience more happiness?

Since this is the last post of 2012, I asked for a card to indicate what we should consider as we move forward into 2013. Although the Ace of Staves might normally mean new thoughts and ideas or communication, this one screams to me, "higher thought". Lifting ourselves up higher. 

Many will wish for more peace, joy and happiness as we enter the New Year. And those are fabulous things to hope for. But I think the real secret to getting those things is to first understand where they come from. They come from detaching ourselves from our egos...that part of us that seeks fulfillment and approval from things outside of ourselves. Happiness and peace come from letting go of the petty things that run through our minds and manifest in our actions. And they come from living in the moment, instead of obsessing over something that happened five minutes or five years ago. 

In other words, peace, joy and happiness do not just descend upon us as a divine gift from God, they're gifts we give ourselves through honest assessment and conscious choice. They come from being willing to let go of behaviors that ultimately leave us feeling empty, ashamed, angry, frustrated, etc. 

An example for me would be disengaging from drama. I've put a lot of effort into that in recent years. That sometimes means setting aside the need for being right in order to fulfill the need for peace. It sometimes means resisting the habit to take everything personally in order to create a new habit that leads to happiness. Sometimes it means looking away when you see some sort of juicy train wreck of a meltdown happening online. And it sometimes means clearing out friendships and affiliations that still support your old drama-loving ways. In short, it takes hard choices and work. 

That is the reality of finding things like happiness and peace. They don't come from the outside and swaddle you in their warm arms, making everything right. They come slowly, in phases, over the years as you lift your thoughts, words and deeds ever higher. 

Lately I've found that my lack of motivation and discipline have been fueling unhappiness. So that's what I've put out into the universe this year...a desire to build my motivation and discipline day by day so I can make more positive changes in my life. Discipline sounds like such an unappealing thing, but I find that it makes me feel grounded and good about myself. Doing this blog daily is a discipline, for example. Making your bed each morning is a discipline. Personally, I know that the happier times of my life were times where I had discipline, motivation and vision. A lack of vision has never been my problem, but the other two have. 

So, while trying to manifest more self-discipline may not sound as exciting as manifesting happiness, they're really the same, as far as I'm concerned. The person who asks for more happiness will be faced with countless opportunities this year to move away from ego and move toward their higher self. So it's six of one, half dozen of the other. But I think a key part of greeting those opportunities successfully is having the self knowledge and self honesty to even know what they look like. 

Had I focused on happiness, instead releasing drama, the past couple of years, I might have misinterpreted why all the juicy drama opportunities presented themselves to me. And I might have indulged more often, deciding that a bit of drama here and there makes me happy. And I'll admit, it's fun. I'm sure heroin is fun, too...haha. But ultimately, neither of them fuel long-term happiness.

So that's just something to consider as you think about how you want 2012 to be different from 2013. We all want to be happier, of course. But what is it that really blocks you feeling that way? Sometimes it's a behavior or habit that's hard to see. In actuality, it's probably a number of things. So it may serve you to look inside and really be straight with yourself about how you get in your own way. That way when the opportunities come along to choose happiness or the same-old, same-old, you'll know what those opportunities look like. 

8/9/12—Finding Your Source of Power

Today's Draw: The Devil from the Nigel Jackson Tarot. Do you believe in the Devil? What external sources of power do you identify with? And how does that separate you from others and your God?

One of the nice things about using different decks every day is that I get to explore some of the decks I've basically looked at and never used. So I discover new and amazing cards. I love this Devil card. The colors are so intense and beautiful!

So it's Day Four of Oneness Week, the week that's all about seeing the similarities in others, rather than the differences...the week of seeing ourselves reflected in the sparkle of 8 billion sets of eyes. 

In Biblical terms, the Devil is an angel whose pride and arrogance got him turned out of the kingdom of heaven. When we're arrogant enough to see ourselves as superior to anyone or anything, we turn ourselves away from God, too. Because God is in all those things we're "too good" to align with. We betray our God because we place ourselves above the things he has brought into this world. 

I've really not mentioned this except in passing, but oneness includes all things, not just people. When we disrespect natural resources, we're disrespecting the soul of God. I believe they are here for all living beings to use, but in a sustainable way. And when we disrespect the creatures of this earth, we disrespect our fellow animals. Our arrogance alone is what tells us that humans are somehow different from all the creatures on this planet. Science certainly doesn't support that belief. Scientifically speaking, we're just another species. Somehow we manage to forget that. 

At the root of the Devil card is a thirst for power and status that is externally identified, aka ego. By that, I mean considering money, rank or title—things outside of yourself—as a measure of your power. Devil/ego energy strips the individual of their self-identified power and chains them to measures of power they have no control over. Once chained to external means of power, our individual and god-given power wanes and we become the devil's puppets. 

In fact, the first step in the Devil's "grooming" is separating you from the infinite power of God/Source/Universe. Each time you identify with external sources, such as money, drugs, sex and other "pleasures of the flesh", you move further from God. Unlike traditional religious teachings, however, I believe you're free to enjoy all of these things. You're also able to seek the rush of endorphins they offer by means that exist within yourself, such as meditation, self love and moments of transcendence. It's when you turn yourself over to these things that the devil works his way in. It's when you value those things over yourself and god that you become chained to the devil. 

FYI, I'm not a believer in the actual Devil, I'm talking about the card here and the principle behind it. In the tarot, the Devil is more Pan-like than Satan-like anyway. Following the idea of oneness, nothing is separate from us, so our devil is within, just as our god is. And that's another aspect of this card. Also, I'm speaking to you philosophically here from the standpoint of beliefs that make sense to me. It's ok if you believe differently. The whole point of this blog is to put out thoughts that evoke spiritual- and self-examination, not to bring you around to my way of thinking.

Anyway, bringing the discussion back around again, seeing others as separate is a way of a) seeing yourself separate from God and b) seeking external identification of power (in the sense that being "better than" them is your source of power.) Authentic power comes from the self-identified confidence of knowing you're good and powerful and wonderful without anyone needing to be bad and weak and terrible in the process. Authentic power comes not from comparing yourself to others, but from knowing you are the light of god in human form. Same as everyone else. And their light is of no threat to yours. 

7/30/12—Leaping Into the Unknown

Today's Draw: The Fool from the Nigel Jackson tarot. When was the last time you did something a little reckless? In general, how safe are the risks you take? Would you welcome more zing in your life?

Everybody wants more zing in their lives, right? The trouble is, zing isn't something that comes looking for you. You have to look for it. Sure, a drop or two of zing might hit you at random from time to time. And if that's OK with you then, by all means, wait for zing to find you.

But there's growing underground movement of Zing Seekers for whom the occasional splash of zing just isn't enough. They take personal responsibility for their zingitude and actively seek deep pools of zing to roll around in. And I'm one of those seekers. So I declare this week's theme to be "Qualities to Cultivate to Get More Zing Out of Life." Or "Zing Week" as we homeys call it.

So the first card in Zing Week is the Fool. This dude is basically drunk on the stuff. See his droopy-eyed look? And the electric glow around his head? And the donkey-eared hat? It would be easy to mistake him for a simpleton...a literal fool who's about to step off the side of a cliff because he's walking around focused on some silly daydream instead of watching where he's going.

But he doesn't care what you think. Nor does he lack focus. Sure, he's innocent and a little naïve. In fact, his foolish, innocent nature is his greatest strength. It's the strength that makes him makes him smarter and more courageous than most of the rest of us on most days. Because he has total trust and faith that, when he walks off the side of the cliff, he will fall in the very spot he's meant to fall in to create change in his life. 

The certain death he's just two steps away from is the death of the old Fool that wasn't making him happy anymore. At the same time, he's also two steps away from freedom from that existence and the joy and infinite possibility that come with it. And he knows it. That's the difference between him and us. He knows there's zing in throwing caution to the wind. And so he takes those steps without hesitation, when you or I may hesitate for years at the precipice between now and the rest of our lives.

Literally, in the tarot, the Fool is on a journey and on the other side of this leap is an education...spiritual lessons and growth. So another thing he knows that we may not is that there is no way to lose, no way to fail, no way to do it wrong. That's why he has no fear. Everything is lessons. Everything is part of the journey he signed on for.

So, say you've decided to quit your job as an attorney and start all over again as a baker. That's a big leap. And the road may not go smoothly. But with each bump, you learn a lesson that makes the road ahead a little smoother. Maybe the road will veer a little. Maybe you'll start to bake less and manage bakers more. Maybe you'll write a cookbook. Or host a TV show about baking. Maybe you'll end up with a cake conglomerate that plays a part in a whole cake revolution. Who knows?

Where you end up may not be where you imagined when you first took the leap. But maybe it's exactly where you're supposed to be. People who live in the DC area may recognize this "fool's story" as that of Warren Brown, owner of Cake Love. If you get a chance, read his story here and here. The dude just loved to bake. So he lept.

The world is also full of stories of dudes that never lept. Those stories usually end like this...."And he died a grumpy old man." :D The world is also full of stories of people who lept and didn't end up as successful as Warren Brown. But even if their intention never manifested, they usually don't regret having tried.

Having made a big leap myself before (when I quit my job to freelance) I can say that my life has never had more zing than it did back then. I wasn't scared at all. In fact, I've never felt more powerful and alive. But a leap doesn't have to be that huge. Maybe you trade in an old hobby for a new one. Or convert your car to run on French fry oil. Or cut off your hair and dye it purple.

Whatever it is, a leap draws a line in the sand between yesterday and today. Where yesterday was a known quantity, today is not. Where yesterday was safe, today is not. And where yesterday was just another day, today is not. Today has zing.

So the first suggestion for bringing more zing into your life is to shake things up a bit. Make a leap. Face a fear. Follow a dream. And jump right into the arms of the thing that scares you most...the unknown.