Today's Draw: Lilies in the House of Garden in the position of Goal from Chronata's Minute Lenormand, the Deck of Lenormand Houses and the Deck of 1000 Spreads. How do you feel about becoming—and looking—older? Would you ever get a face lift? As you age is your goal to squeeze out every last drop of youth...or to reach out and embrace your elder status?
Today is the last day I'll be posting one of my long blog posts as a woman in her 40s. I turn 50 this weekend. And I'm still not sure how to feel about that. I know that, among my options are a) cry because my life is over and b) just treat it like another day. Aside from the rather full day I have planned, I was leaning toward option b.
But then came Lilies (Wisdom, Maturity and "Older Woman") in the House of Garden (Community, Party, Event) in the position of Goal (Goal...haha). So it's saying my goal should be to celebrate my elder status with others. Well, my actual plans are pretty low key, but there's a piece to this that's saying a) I've reached elder status and b) that means I'm now part of the community of my elder friends. And my plans do include a certain elder friend....
There's this whole Maiden/Mother/Crone thing that signifies the life stages of a woman. And, with menopause and 50 and all of that, you become a crone, an elder. Most of my friends are already there, hovering in their mid-50s to early 60s. One is in her early 70s. And while I'll still be the young whippersnapper with much to learn...haha. I'm kind of officially one of them now. These are the wisest, kindest, most supportive and reasonable people I know, so it's good company.
And bringing that back around to the cards, our society puts forth so much effort to make youth our goal. We slather ourselves in creams, get surgery, inject botchalism in our faces, pop vitamins, wear hip clothes, clomp around in ridiculous shoe trends...we feel compelled to chase this specter that's gets farther and farther away from us each passing day.
Sometimes I'll see an actress on TV that I know has many years on me and, even if she looks good, I think, "what are you running from? Who do you think you're fooling?" Some of these women don't even look like the woman they were before. While I'm sure they have a lot of pressure on them to look a certain way for their career, it certainly hasn't hurt Sally Field's career that she remains fairly natural.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I get wanting to feel good about yourself. But how good can you feel when your intention is to chase your youth and any hint of age is met with a call to the plastic surgeon? Is that really feeling good about yourself? Or does feeling good about yourself have more to do with embracing yourself as you are? How do you ever come to peace with yourself when you keep finding things to fix?
And I don't want this to be about surgery. Someone close to me had a face lift and it made them feel better when they looked in the mirror. I really didn't notice much of a difference, quite frankly, because I will probably always see her through certain eyes. What this is about is the push in our society to chase youth. That looking young, feeling young and being young is the goal.
But I look at friends of mine who are aging naturally...D with her long gray hair, V with the sassy cuts and scarves and R with her glowing skin, short cropped gray curls and youthful energy....and I see beauty and wisdom on their faces and in their eyes. How can that NOT be our goal? To traverse our 50s, 60s and 70s with a light heart and our earned wisdom?
Listen, my friend R is in her 70s and can run rings around all of us. If she has wrinkles, I haven't noticed them. I haven't noticed them on V or D, either. Eyes and hearts and spirits never wrinkle. When I talk to these women, they glow from something genuine within. That earned confidence and wisdom supercedes anything on their face. And because it's natural, you're not looking a them wondering what work they've had done...you can see through to their soul. How can that not be our goal?
So as I approach this turn of the calendar in my life, I know what I want to be when I grow up. I want to wear my wrinkles and age spots as a show of wisdom. I want to remind myself that when I look in a mirror, I see Tierney's wrinkles and when everyone else looks at me they just see Tierney. And I want gray hair like D's, but my follicles aren't cooperating quite yet. The goal is to celebrate my cronedom and know that once I'm there, I'm in very good company.
Today's Draw: Crow Woman (Justice) from the Mythical Goddess tarot in the position of What to Take From the Past from the Deck of 1000 Spreads. Are you thinking more and more about getting older? What have you noticed has spelled the difference between you now and you 20 years ago? And if you're in your later 50s, 60s or 70s, what difference have you noticed in your life since turning 50?
In a few weeks I'm going to turn 50. Everyone my age is doing it, if they haven't already. It's all the rage these days.
This isn't something that normally bothers me...aging. It's just a number. But when it's a big round number...like half a hundred...you get to thinking. In my spirit, I'm still girlish...forever 29. Visibly I don't know how old I look, but it's young enough that it shocks people when I tell them how old I am. But physically speaking I'm sure I feel 65. Or 70. It's fair to say I've been a bad steward of my body and and excellent steward of my spirit. The rest is just genetics.
So with 50 looming and an aged goddess staring at me in Crow Woman in a position like "What to Take From the Past", well...I'm back to thinking about 50 again. And Crow Woman has some wisdom for me...for us, the members of the high school Class of '81, many of whom bless me by reading this blog on a regular basis.
She comes to tell us we've evened out over the years. We're not so full of drama and histrionics. We can see situations more objectively. We're less attached to things. We're more adept at honoring our boundaries. We're also less likely to compromise our truth.
Somewhere out there there's a 30 year old reading this and thinking "pathetic old dogs, searching in the dark for reasons to be glad they're living in wrinkled, graying bodies"...haha. That's ok. I thought that when I was your age, too. I thought, "hey, I get to be 30 and all those things you say." But I can see now where I was wrong.
It's a sad irony of life that, just as our bodies and looks begin to deteriorate, we finally discover that "inner beauty" people have been talking about all along. I thought I knew it at 30, but now I can see what a child I was, still at 30. I thought I knew it at 40, but now I can see how full of fear I was at 40. I suppose when I'm 60 I'll laugh at how naive I was at 50. But more and more as 50 draws near, I'm beginning to appreciate the stability and confidence I have now. And I expect only to blossom and grow as my gray hairs become more prevalent.
As someone who has actively been on a path of personal growth and spiritual discovery for more than half my life, I can look back astounded at all the progress I've made. The things that used to clutter my head no longer do. The things that used to define me as a person no longer do. Some of the people and situations that I embraced then would not stand a chance in my life today...and I'm sure there are some things I rejected back then that I might have more of a propensity for today.
From a spiritual standpoint, this whole aging thing is beginning to make sense in ways it never has before. It's like we spend a good 30-some years developing fears, neuroses and insecurities, only to first, reach a point of stasis, then begin to overcome and slough the scars of our youth in our later years. It's hard to appreciate something you've always possessed. But if it's something you've earned, it becomes a precious gift. In the first half of life I earned my neuroses, only to earn my way out of them in the last half. All of it, a gift.
So, as I pack my baggage for a new decade, I bring all of it with me, really. Because before any scale reaches balance, it tips first to one side, then another. If we are to be balanced out, we need the weight of both ends of our life opposing each other. There's something deep in my core that tells me I'm right on schedule to be 50 and experience some of the best years of my life...maybe not in looks or physical wellbeing, but inside. Where, it turns out, it really does count.
