3/29/13—Zigging Toward Evolution

Today's Draw: Playing Off the Page in the What to Know Now That's Been Blocked or Covered in the Past position from Illuminate! Life Journey Cards and the Deck of 1000 Spreads. Do you have the courage to zig when others zag? Do you zig because you don't want to be a zagger? Or do you zig because every fiber of your being tells you that zigging is the right way to go?

Playing Off the Page is about stepping out of the boundaries and following your inner music. It's like thinking out of the box. But, spiritually speaking, it goes much deeper than that. 

In order for change to happen—in order for the ideals hippies sang about and Buddhists meditate on to ever happen—people have to stretch beyond what they've learned and done thus far. For the second or third time this week, I'm saying that we have to start doing the hard things...the things we resist because we hold on so tightly to the fear-based thinking of our past. 

In the 1940s, Nazis gathered up everyone who was Jewish or gay and mass exterminated them. Because they didn't like them. They felt they had legitimate reasons. Jews and gays weakened the human race. And slowly they convinced others that exterminating this kind of people would cleanse the population and the world and its people would be stronger than ever before. 

You'd think Americans would have learned something from the ideals we fought for when we battled the Nazis, but the fear of Communism in the 1950s brought about McCarthyism. We needed to rid American society, not just of all Communists, but of anyone who even associated with Communists. And like the witch hunts of the 1600s, word of mouth and casual proof was enough to slander a person, leading to loss of career and, in the case of the witch trials, even loss of life. Such was the fear of even coming into contact with someone who had come into contact with someone who had been identified as a scourge. 

We look back at all those things and say "those days are past. We're wiser now." But what we need to know today that's been blocked or covered from the past is that it's the people who dare play off the page—the ones who are trying to to break their little corner of the world out of the fear-based justifications that perpetuate Nazi or McCarthiest mentality—are the ones that often end up being silenced. Today. And if you're part of the silencing, you're part of the problem. 

Anytime you make any single person "other" than you...they're a monster, they're evil, they're archaic—you're part of the problem. Think about the way you felt about the "other side" in last year's presidential election, for example. I certainly thought the other side was irrational and THEY certainly made me angry and even fearful, because what if THEIR side won? This also happens frequently along the religious and sexuality divides. If you can't love and embrace them and look into their eyes and listen to them...if you avoid them, mock them, blackball, reject or otherwise derail them...you're part of the problem. 

With McCarthyism, it went even further. If you were caught talking to a suspected Communist, you were lumped in with them. You were blacklisted. There was zero tolerance if you opened your heart and mind to someone who was an outcast. If you talked to them, you were dangerous. You, too, were supporting the Communist path. And others needed to know to avoid you. In short, if you dared play off the page, your music was taken away. 

We all struggle with doing the hard things. One of the hard things I'm trying to do is venture into the world of lovingkindness, a Buddhist principle where you love and open your heart to the "least of us" in the same way you open it to someone you love. This is why I will give money to "beggars" and never once concern myself with what they might use it for. It's not my job to question their need, but to serve it when moved. I'm also kind to people others have written off. It's not my place to judge why they might need kindness, compassion and love, but to offer it when I can. 

But wait, what if they're going to shoot heroin with the money you give? What if the person society has written off is unkind? Well, those are fear-based concerns. They're concerns that make those people "other". Only treating them as I would treat myself makes them one with me. Only releasing the fear that their unkindness may hurt me...only trusting in myself, having confidence in myself and trusting in the universe helps me rise above. 

I say "when I can" because there will always be circumstances when I will act from fear or protection. And I won't walk up to someone threatening to shoot me if I come closer...that would be stupid. But I can push myself to do the difficult thing, even it means I stand alone. I can release my need to control what they do with the money or my fear of words they might say, little by little. And instead of cutting myself off from the chance to practice this principle by ever-tightening my circle the way McCarthy did...by making others dangerous by association...I can try to see the sameness in even the source of the "other-ness". I can try to do that hard thing, even if I fail. Because this is the only chance I think our society has to move beyond the music we've written since the beginning of time. And it's the way I choose to challenge myself spiritually on my path. 

It hurts no one but the fearful. It threatens no one but the fearful. But in that way, walking this path can often feel lonely—there are a lot of the fearful out there. It can also feel profoundly free and moving. Because feeding the purest, most unconditionally loving places in our heart—as difficult and tenuous as it may sometimes be—pays back in peace and divine love in those moments when you can drop the fear of being misunderstood by the fearful, and you move confidently forward in your aloneness knowing you're doing what's right for both your own—and the planet's—evolution. 

1/22/13—Taking Sincerity to Heart

Today's Draw: A Thin Wrapping of Wishes from Illuminate! Life Journey Cards by Linda Clayon. Do you make a conscious effort to be impeccable of word and action? Do you have a practice that keeps you on track? How are you at spotting the insincerity of others and do you suppose others are just as good at spotting it in you?

The book for this deck says this card is about dreams and wishes. But it also included a line I found interesting. It said "Where is the heart?"

It wasn't that long ago that we had a post about how to ask your heart if a certain choice or decision is right for you. We were to "breathe" into that area and see what made the heart feel expansive or what made it contract. And we were to follow expansion. 

But where is the heart when it comes to the things we say and do in our lives? I think a key phase of our emotional and personal evolution is being honest with ourselves in this way...to really understand the intentions beneath our words and actions.

There was a time in my life that I might, say, be manipulative without being aware that's what I was doing. There were times I would play the victim with profound righteousness. Times I might belittle or believe I was superior. Times I might be opportune. And I would do these things unconsciously. I probably still do some of that stuff. Even though I've worked on this a lot, I still sometimes catch myself falling into those traps and I have to wonder what less-than-genuine words or deeds I'm not catching.

There are times you know what you're doing, even as you're doing it. And there are times you realize that and change course or fess up. And then there are times you're unaware or in denial. You can check your heart or gut for these things, too.

To do this, you can pick a time where you KNOW your intentions were pure. Breathe that moment in and see how it feels in your heart. Does it expand it? For me, everything in my whole midsection relaxes. And then ask yourself about a situation where there's issue. Is your heart in the right place? For me, if it's not, I'll get a funny feeling in my gut.

We have within us our own built-in lie detectors to suss out the lies we tell ourselves. And there are times for all of us where our heart might not be in the right place, even though we want to think it is. So I think it's a good practice to check in on this regularly so we can truly be the people we like to present ourselves as being. We have these sophisticated brains and personalities we take out into the world everyday and I think we do ourselves and others a disservice if we don't operate them responsibly.

8/15/12—Daring to Dream

Today's Draw: A Thin Wrapping of Wishes from Illuminate! Life Journey Cards by Linda Clayton. Do you have a dream to look forward to? Have you built a modicum of magic into that dream? Or are you someone who only deals in realistic, well-measured pursuits?

As we approach the midpoint of Self Care Week at The Daily Draw, there's no better deck to use than my favorite yin-energy oracle, Illuminate! And today's draw doesn't disappoint. 

In terms of self care, I think "A Thin Wrapping of Wishes" is calling us to have something magical to believe in and/or look forward to. 

Remember when you were going to be a princess? Or the President of the United States? Remember when you used to practice your Oscar speech or sing into your hairbrush like you were a rock star? Remember how that used to make you feel? Shiny. Beautiful. Special. 

Well, what wishes and dreams do you have like that today? Are you so beaten down by the frog that Prince Charming turned out to be that you keep your dreams tediously realistic and attainable these days? Like seeing your kids graduate high school or moving into a new house?

Those are totally worthy dreams and they're absolutely enough. I'm not suggesting less. But those are things that are going to happen, bar some disaster. Where is the magic? The anticipation? The daydreaming? The succulent garden you get lost in when you think of it? Think back to when you were going to be a PRINCESS! That was wishing!

I'm not suggesting you invest heavily in fairytales. That's why it's a THIN wrapping of wishes. We are, after all, adults. But what is out there at the edge of possibility, yet still in the framework of your jaded mind?

For example, writing the kind of book I want to write and getting it published is a dream for me. But the MAGIC and the far edge of possibility includes my dreams of meeting Oprah, rubbing elbows with celebrities and being much beloved. Those things may never happen, but the sparkle of their fairy dust keeps me motivated and excited about the more realistic part of my dream. Those things keep me feeling shiny, beautiful and special while I work on the sweaty, bloody, hard work part of achieving my dream. 

So what I'm suggesting for today's self-care advice is this....have a dream to aspire to, like writing a book or visiting Europe or hitting all our country's National Parks. But sprinkle it in fairy dust for that extra sparkle—or have a totally separate fairy dust dream that makes you feel special and shiny.  BUT remember which is the dream and which is just window dressing. 

You see, we once dreamed of a white knight coming in, sweeping us off our feet and living happily ever after. And we became jaded against magical thinking when our knight ended up being a farting, fallible plebeian. But that was our own mistake. The REAL dream was getting married. But we attached ourselves to an image of perfection and magic that was really just supposed to be a thin wrapping. Instead of donning a feathery veil to add to the fun while we're waiting to meet the right man, we tattooed the fairy dust into our skin, thereby tainting any result less than Prince Charming.  

So self care is dreaming. And self care can be made more magical with fairy sparkles to help you feel shiny and special. But true self care is remembering the purpose of the fairy dust in the first place, so that when we reach our dreams, we won't dash them because Johnny Depp wasn't there when we arrived. 

The point is to keep ourselves hoping and dreaming and motivated. Having something to look forward to is part of life's sweet elixir, as is the belief that magic can still happen. These are the things that keep us vital, young and alive. We never get too old to lose ourselves in a beautiful dream. In fact, when we stop having those beautiful dreams, we risk losing ourselves in getting too old.  

7/24/12—Choosing Your Life Before You're Born

Today's Draw: The Life We Long Ago Chose from Illuminate! Life Journey Cards by Linda Clayton, Part 2. Do you believe it's possible you chose exactly the life you're living long before you were even born? Why might you have chosen this life, with both its struggles and its gifts? What did your soul come here to learn?

What I'm going to talk about today is something not everyone is going to believe in. But it's something that's interesting to consider nonetheless. It requires believing we all have souls that may have been alive as humans before.

People who believe in souls generally believe that the soul comes to earth in human form to learn lessons for its own growth and/or healing. If that sounds like a reasonable belief to you, then it's not far off to consider that your soul (or some other force) might have a hand in choosing the lessons it would learn while in your body in this lifetime. I mean, they don't just come down here to learn a lesson-free life, right? That would boring. And, besides, have you ever met anyone who had nothing to learn in their lifetime? Of course not. So it's logical to assume that souls might come down here with some sort of agenda or lesson plan to complete.

Looking at the image above, imagine you're the soul on the right and you're just about to travel down into some lady's pregnant belly and be born on the earth plane. What happened in the moments before you made your journey? What agreements did you make? What lesson did you say you were willing to learn? What tradeoffs were you willing to make to learn those lessons? And what lessons did you NOT come down to learn? What was that "life you long ago chose?"

For example, I don't think I came here to learn any lessons about poverty. I'm by no means well off, but I've got a life I'm very comfortable with. I've been like that every day of my life and there's no reason for me to believe that won't continue. My situation may not be enough for a lot of people—I'm not someone who's into extravagant things, so I don't require as much as someone who is. I can easily live without the things I can't afford. I don't overspend. And when things are a little tight, money or opportunity always shows up for me. So struggling over monetary or material concerns doesn't seem to be on my list this time around.

But what might be on my list is learning different avenues to love beyond the romantic form. Romantic relationships haven't worked out well for me in the past, meaning the cost felt greater than the value received. The longest relationship I've had was just shy of two years. After that, you can count the string of others in months apiece.

I just don't think I'm made for it, frankly. I like men. I enjoy sex. But some key ingredient in having a good, solid relationship with a man eludes me. It's probably because I'm a loner at heart. And I don't want to be tied down to anything that might limit my options. I'm sure most people don't see love in that way, but I do. And even though the highs of life are higher when I'm coupled than when I'm not (and, I might add, the lows are lower), overall I'm happier without a man in my life. I'm more balanced. I'm more "me".

That said, I feel more love in my life the way it is now than I've ever received from being coupled. I pour my own love into my dogs and my work and my dreams and hobbies and friends. And all of that gives right back to me in palpable ways. I believe that, because I'm not dependent on—or distracted by—the dynamics of romantic love, I've become more attuned to some of these other forms. In short, I'm not missing anything in the love department, and looking around me, I thoroughly believe I experience more love on a daily basis than the average person does. It's just not romantic love.

And let me clear here...I fully acknowledge that other peoples' experiences of romantic love are different than mine. For some people the dynamics are effortless. For others, being alone leaves them feeling like something's missing. I get that and I'm not making comment on others' choices. I'm just speaking of my experience and what I have and haven't come here to learn. Self-reliance, finding new avenues to love, feeling okay with being different in that regard—all of these are things I'm here to learn.

Which brings me around to say it hasn't always been easy. It's hard when every decision rests firmly on your shoulders. And trust me, my choices are frequently misunderstood. People think I'm asexual or a lesbian or afraid or have never experienced love. For most people, being the way I am is outside their frame of reference. Either they think something's wrong with me or they're convinced I'm unhappy.

So another lesson I've come to learn is allowing others to feel and think whatever they want about me in this regard...to move beyond the ego need of fitting in to others' ideas of how I should be. Truth is, when I meet a man who can add more than he subtracts in my life, I'll be happy to meet him. But in the meantime, I've built a nice nest o'luv for myself through other means. So nice in fact, I'm not motivated to go looking for him. And because like attracts like, he's probably not looking for me either. And we're good with that. ;)

Anyway, those are just a few of the lessons and tradeoffs I figure my soul might have made before coming to earth. Thinking this way works for me, because I figure if we made an agreement about something before coming here, then we might be more agreeable to the things we just can't seem to try to figure out.

Entertaining this line of thought is great for introspection, but it's also interesting to consider when you look back over the life of someone you've loved who has now passed on. From that final perspective, it's interesting to see how their entire life might have led to that final moment. We all have a story like that...a trajectory upon which our life moves. Sure it may all be random. And there may be no such thing as soul or an agreement or a past or future life. But whether you believe in that or not, musing over the "life you long ago chose" in this manner can teach you a lot about the life you're choosing now.

7/23/12—Choosing Different

Today's Draw: The Life We Long Ago Chose from Illuminate! Life Journey Cards by Linda Clayton, Part 1. Is there a choice you made a while back that you thought you could honor, but now you've changed your mind? Do you think couples can or should promise forever, or is that part of marriage unrealistic? When it comes down to a choice, would you rather choose to honor a previous commitment or would you rather choose your future happiness?

You might have noticed that I use this deck every few weeks. I'll tell you why. I'm a very verbal person and the phrases on the cards are very evocative for me. This card in particular made me think of a couple of "big things", so I'm doing this card in two parts. I'm not sure if I have a theme this week or not. We'll try for "Looking Back" week—things from our past, including past lives—and see what comes up.

So the card depicts a group of people and the person on the far right seems to be falling away from the pack. This can happen with people and also with things and dreams and other stuff that once worked for us. For example, very few of the people I was friends with in my 30s are still in my life. I changed or they changed. Whatever happened, the life I long ago chose is no longer the life I choose.

A bigger example of this is seen in my career as a performer. I know you're all thinking, "huh? A performer?" But if you knew me from, say, 12-22, that's how you'd know me. I was in all my school plays and musicals. I was in all the talent shows. And I studied voice and theater throughout college.

Acting and singing were huge passions of mine. In fact, I wanted desperately to go to a performing arts school at one point and my parents wouldn't let me. By the time they came around to my way of thinking, however, I had seen the wisdom of their choice and decided to stay in the school I was in.

While I was always a writer, back then I was writing for performance. In fact, I won a national award for a play I wrote in college. Up until just before my 22^nd birthday, the whole advertising thing, while something I really enjoyed and earned my degree in, was merely a good fall back in case my acting career didn't pay off.

It sounds so foreign to me just writing those words right now. By the time I did graduate from college, I was full-on advertising and have had that passion ever since. But back up to really my last semester of college, I was still entertaining thoughts of the footlights. The desire for that had been slowly slipping over time, but it was still there.

So what happened? I've asked myself that a number of times. And while I can cite certain things that disillusioned me, the real reason is that the life I long ago chose was no longer the life I was choosing. It's as simple as that. Something that I thought was going to be my life, ended up being something I would set down and never revisit again. I never acted again after I left college. And I only sang in public once more after that...at my brother's wedding.

Whether the life you long ago chose is with a man you now cannot stand, or whether it's your career, friends, or even sexuality that no longer fits, it's OK. We are both amazingly adaptable and changeable creatures. There are some things that will never change. I'll always be dramatic and expressive, I just won't give voice to those qualities in the same way.

There's this thing in society that says once you've chosen a direction you need to stick with it. You've chosen this man, so you have to stay with him for better or for worse. You've chosen this career, so you have to work in it until you retire. But all of that is BS. We change. We grow. We change our minds. And to deny ourselves the room to change and grow and explore our constantly evolving selves, is like leaving a seedling in its little seedling pot. Either you give it the room it needs to grow, or it will just wither away and die.

Is there something in your life that you once enthusiastically chose that you just can't tolerate any longer?

7/9/12—Decluttering Our Baggage

Today's Draw: The Edge of Awareness and Unencumbered by Memories from Illuminate Life Journey cards by Linda Clayton. What kind of baggage do you bring into your relationships? Have you ever unfairly judged a current partner based on your experiences with a former partner? How often when you're with your friends or partner are you fully present?

Today is Day Two of "How to Feel More Love in Your Life" week. Today I mindlessly shuffled and chose a card...without the question in mind. So I chose a second card, just to be sure. And both cards—The Edge of Awareness and Unencumbered by Memories—seem to lead me to the same place.

You hear people batting around the word "baggage" a lot when it comes to relationships. The general feeling seems to be that baggage is bad and you shouldn't bring it into any relationship, whether a romantic one or a friendship. Well, here's the thing. We all have baggage. And that baggage makes us who we are today. So it's impossible not to bring it with you. But there is a kind of baggage that stands between us and feeling more love in our lives.

What I think both these cards are getting to is this—former relationships are memories, and memories can sometimes be painful. But the gift of the actions that created those memories are lessons. These lessons can renew and heal our sense of discernment when it comes to choosing new partners. They can help us sort out our boundaries for the next relationship. And they can also clue us into red flags that we might not have seen in the past.

The key is to bring the *lesson* into the next relationship, but not the emotional memory.

I make this distinction, because I think it's important. Lessons empower us and allow us to treat the next person objectively, like an individual. Emotional memories, especially strong ones, whether positive or negative, cause us to make comparisons and assumptions, react inappropriately, take our head out of the now, place expectations on our partner, and not see them for who they are. 

Using the word "memory" might be confusing here. What I mean by that is really the attachment to what went on in the past...memory with palpable pain, joy, whatever behind it, as opposed to "ahhh, what a nice memory, but that was then and this is now" or "ack, what an awful memory, but I learned a great lesson from it."

It's not that you can't hold the memories of, say, a beloved deceased husband, or that you'll ever forget abuse that may have happened as a child. But those memories are for you, not for your relationship. Because those memories aren't ones you shared with the other person, they have nowhere else to land but between the two of you. You're bringing someone else into your relationship. Which is not to say you can't share your memories or deep-seated pain with your partner or friend. They just can't live between the two of you. You need to heal the emotions attached to those memories or they will place a barrier between you and love. Even if they're good memories. The kind I'm talking about carry unhealed emotion. Lessons carry knowledge. Lessons are the baggage to bring into a relationship. Not the emotionally charged memories behind the lessons. 

Also to the point of this week's theme is what it says in the book about The Edge of Awareness. It describes the picture as "a shapeless clashing of colors and emotions...floating, just outside and on the edge." Then it says "are they creeping in, or is she pushing them away?"

This question reminds me of the process of osmosis. In osmosis, a cell membrane will allow inflow and outflow of molecules with the surrounding solution until the concentration or pressure on both sides is equal. This is called dynamic equilibrium.

In the context of our relationships, it's a place where memories, defense mechanisms, boundaries, fears, etc.—all the stuff that gets in the way of a true exchange of love—are in balance. We're neither losing ourselves while our new lover creeps in, as is the case where we're overly needy in a relationship. Nor are we pushing them away, as is the case when we're overly fearful in a relationship. The love and emotion flows freely and in balance.

But in order for that to happen, we need to find a way to enter into our relationships whole and healed. As much as possible. If we look to the new person to heal us, what we exchange between the cell membranes of the relationship creates an unhealthy victim/savior dynamic. We're not fully present for the other person because we're still lost in the memories of someone else and some other time. And if we can't be present, we can't be in that place where we feel love and loved. That only happens in the present. And it only happens in a meaningful way when the person we're with is the person in front of us and not some twisted hybrid of them and every asshole that ever broke our heart.

So to boil it all down, we will feel more love in our current relationships when we can release the emotional attachments to relationships that came before. This works for both friends and lovers. The amount of love we receive in a relationship is directly proportional to our own ability to heal and be present. As long as you're putting your head in the past...or painting others with your past experiences...you're not being in the present with the person giving you love right now. And that's where the love you're seeking resides...right here, right now.

5/8/12—Releasing Understanding

Today's Draw: "Where Understanding Hums" from Illuminate! Life Journey Cards by Linda Clayton. Are you feeling stuck on, or held back by, something simply because you can't understand why it happened? Or because you don't have all the answers you need to come to peace? What do you think having all the answers will give you that can't get right now without them?

This card depicts a woman with her hands outstretched. In one hand is a bird. The keywords in the deck's book include insight, understanding, serendipity and acceptance. The book also asks an interesting question...is she welcoming the bird in or letting him go?

We always want to know why things happen—especially those of us who believe everything happens for a reason. Why did our marriage break up? Why did he cheat on me? Why did so-and-so do xyz? Why can't I seem to ever have such-and-such? Why now? Why not? Why me?

For some of those questions there will be answers and understanding will come in a timely manner. For some questions, understanding will be delayed. For others still, understanding will never come. And in some cases in all of that, understanding will never be enough. Sometimes the best you can hope for is peace. Or truce. 

We often think understanding will be what heals us. When we get the answers we want, then we can move forward. But sometimes letting go of the need for understanding is the most healing thing you can do. I've spoken before about how my father was murdered 24 years ago. There are things about that I'll never understand. And not just because the act was unconscionable, but because there are just questions that will never be answered and that's the way it is.

Letting go of needing to know...of even wanting to know...doesn't mean I'm not honoring my father's memory. It actually means I'm embracing his memory. Without the need for answers or revenge standing between me and his memory, I'm able to honor it more. What is holding on to the bird for 24 years going to get me anyway? 

I have faith that there are reasons for everything. I accept I will not always know the reasons. And I believe that if I'm meant to know the reasons, they will find me whether I'm looking or not. That three-sentence mantra or prayer is often the best we can do in life, especially when it comes to our most difficult experiences.

The lady in the drawing knows that understanding often hums sometimes at a distance. She can neither expect to fully grasp anything, nor hold on to answers that will never come. Wisdom lies in finding peace and acceptance, regardless of what understanding may or may not come.

1/3/12-1/5/12—Checking Your Attitude at the Door

Irreverent and Slightly Jaded

Weekend Reading: Irreverent and Slightly Jaded from Illuminate! Life Transformation Cards. Here is a woman, rushing in late to the party and wearing her emotions on her sleeve. She carries herself with self-importance of a guest of honor, but she is just another invited guest. This is the person who pushes past you in the grocery line, is never ready when she says she'll be, sucks energy like a vampire and throws a fit when something doesn't go her way. We all know ugly she can be. We have all been her at one time or another. And this card comes to us this weekend to remind us that other people are just as hurried, stressed and in need as you. So behave yourself. It's not all about you. And if going out in public means you'll be inflicting your bad vibes upon others, consider staying home and doing something nice for yourself instead. We all get pulled to the end of our ropes now and again. But that doesn't mean it's OK to be a diva, behave like a victim, take it out on others or otherwise act with disregard to others. So check your attitude at the door this weekend, missy.