2/8/12—Ending an Unhappy Situation

Today's Draw: Three of Birds from the Blue Dog Rose Tarot by Nakisha. Have you ever had someone despise you for no good reason? Have you ever been bullied away from something you otherwise love? Have you ever given up hope for a happy ending in favor of reaching the end of an unhappy situation?

In the Blue Dog Rose Tarot, birds are the suit of cups. A normal Three of Cups might show three women dancing in friendship and happiness. In this deck, it's a cockatiel with seeds. A happy little bird with a yummy dinner. The card represents a happy conclusion of something. But another note Nakisha put in there is "the mending of an unhappy situation", which is different from a happy ending.

So there's this person I see socially from time to time that literally won't acknowledge I exist. We're in a special-interest group that she leads. I know I've never done anything to rate this treatment—no cross words or anything like that. She doesn't like my personality for one reason or another and her way of getting rid of me is to not acknowledge me. It was one of those "hate at first sight" things. She's never been nice to me. If I say hello to her, she will look away. If I ask her a question, she will look straight at me, blink and turn away. No kidding. I've never encountered anything quite like it. This is a grown woman. 

Anyway, outside of her, I've been quite popular in this group....haha. As far as I know, she's the only one who feels this way about me. I enjoy the people and she's easy enough to avoid. But after a while, it's abusive and eats at you. Over the past year or so, she's assembled a little clique of "mean girls" that are nice if they encounter me, but who nonetheless avoid me like the plague...haha.

I'm pretty good at taking responsibility for the things I do in my life, but I really can't figure out where her hate comes from. I think she'd hoped I'd have left long before now and I haven't. Not that she's ever asked me to leave, suggested I should or discussed any concerns with me. Thing is, there's only one other group like this is in the region and it's not convenient to my home. So it's my only viable option for enjoying something I love to do. In the beginning, my friends there said I should just ignore it and not take it personally. So that's what I've tried to do. And I'm sure that just pisses her off even more. But outside of that, I've never been anything but nice to her and have even tried to reach out the olive branch a couple of times. 

Maybe she was hoping I'd blow up at her or something so I could be kicked out of the group. But I think if you're someone that treats others kindly, that shouldn't be conditional on how they treat you. So I've always been kind and gracious to her. No matter how rude she's been to me. After time, I did take her cue and stopped saying hello to her. It kept both of us from that awkward moment when she would just stare at me, blink and turn away.

Anyway this has been going on a couple of years now. I've managed to put this unpleasantness aside because I have a lot of fun there and have met a lot of people. I never even have to be in the same room with her when I'm there. But a couple of months ago I just stopped going, thinking I just needed some space. And now I've decided to just let go of it altogether. I think sometimes we don't see how stuff like this wears on our psyche over time. I'm ready to walk away.

This isn't a chipper little bird story, as suggested in the card. But it is the mending of an unhappy situation. Sometimes the only way to fix an unhappy situation is to cut your losses and move on. To let go. Even if it means leaving something you enjoy in its wake. 

In the end, it's what's best for both of us, which is always a good resolution. I never have and never will do anything to get back at her. I don't believe in that. Her karma is her business. I'm going to protect mine. Whatever pain is inside her that makes her be this way is far greater than anything she's inflicted on me. My unhappy situation is ended easily by walking away. The ending of her unhappy situation is, unfortunately, significantly more complex.

“Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive

is too small for you.”
― David Whyte, House of Belonging 

2/7/12—Breaking Down Gender Stereotypes

Today's Draw: The Empress from the Tarot of Fire. What are your masculine and feminine qualities? What makes a masculine quality masculine and a feminine quality feminine? What really draws the line between male and female?

The Empress is the embodiment of the feminine in the tarot. She is usually depicted pregnant or with children—the mother, the nurturer, soft, loving, abundant. Her power comes from her emotional breadth, her thoughtfulness, her ability to nurture and her physical ability to create and carry life. 

But that's not how today's Empress is depicted. Today's Empress is a muscular, menacing, badass mofo with toxic green smoke flowing from her perfectly manicured fingertips. She seems to have some sort of facial piercing, her eyes are set on "Destruct" and my guess is that this isn't the best time to ask her to make you a sandwich.

This deck has non-traditional images.

We have these gender roles we play and have always played. Because women are, on average, smaller and physically weaker than men, we play a softer role. And when our masculine, more forceful sides come roaring out there can only be one explanation—we're "on the rag". We're socialized to downplay any physical strength or threat and up-play our emotional strengths and subservience. But I'm thinking that any woman, during "her time" or not, knows she's capable of what this Empress embodies. And our true strength is in being kind enough to refrain ourselves from unleashing it on the world.

Each card is based on a fire myth.

I feel like I'm someone who could be considered well balanced between what we call "masculine" and "feminine". I'm all Enjoli and shite. But I wonder why, when there are so many of what we call "butch" women and "effeminate" men out there...when there is so much crossover between traditional gender roles...such a spectrum...why we still attribute certain qualities to men and certain ones to women? If I said that I was feminine because I'm nurturing, is that fair to all the men out there? And if a man said he was masculine because he was a "leader" would that be fair to me? 

Really, who owns gentleness, strength, aggression, sensitivity, vulnerability or bravery? When "they" say you should balance your masculine and feminine sides, don't they really mean you should just be balanced? Is an effeminate man any less of a man...a butch woman any less of a woman? In a world where even chromosomes can no longer tell a person who they are, why are we clinging to all these labels? And if we continue to buy into these roles where feminine qualities are softer, weaker and more subservient, can the two sexes ever really be equal? When do we just become....people?

Pips are fully illustrated.

If we believe in equality, then a black person is simply a person. A homosexual couple is just a couple. And a woman is simply a human being. Sure, for most of us, there will always be the chromosomal and biological differences. For most of us. But when we start drawing a line between male and female based on gender roles and characteristics, we diminish the power of one over the other, we cause confusion for those who don't adhere to recipe and we muffle the full expression of the person each of us came here to be.

I'm not a big woman's libber, because I've always believed that someone who moves through this world like an equal—not with arrogance or a chip on their shoulder, but truly believing they're an equal—will be treated like one. If I'm considered less worthy or if I earn less based on the fact I have breasts, I'm not aware of it. I don't look for evidence of inequity, I assume equality. But I think it's time for us to take the next big step and  become conscious of how we sort and label others. Most of us attach masculine and feminine qualities to people and label them as such. It's just something to consider, because there can only be a "stronger" or "weaker" sex if we allow there to be.

2/6/12—Unbagging Our Baggage

Today's Draw: The World from Beth Seilonen's Awaken deck. Were you ever told to leave things from the past in the past? Have you packed all your baggage away and said good riddance to it once and for all? Or are you proud of surviving the stupid and the horrible and don't care who knows about it?

Beth Seilonen is probably the most prolific deck artist out there. She creates mostly small-quantity, limited edition, majors only decks. This Awaken deck is only 1 of 13. It is a companion to her Awareness deck, that I also have. If you visit her etsy shop, you can snag a copy of her Fishy Tarot, which is a full 78-card deck. I have that one and love it. She has also recently published a mass-market 78-card deck called Tarot Leaves.

The World card is about a successful completion of a cycle. But something Beth said in her interpretation of this card makes me think about how each of us is the sum total of everything we've ever done. So you are not your most recent failure or success. You're not your career. Or your state of parenthood. Or that jail term you served back in the '80s. Nor are you merely the "saved" person you've become. You're all of it, good and bad, shameful and triumphant.

Sometimes we tend to look at ourselves—or present ourselves—through a particular lens. Some of us still carry the characterizations that were placed on us as children when we've completely changed that part of ourselves. Some may re-write history, preferring not to own the mistakes we've made in the past. Some dwell on a mistake they made 20 years ago as if it's all they are. 

We talk about our "baggage" like it's something unmentionable when, in fact, it's our personal history and every bit a part of who we are today as anything else that's happened in our lives. It shouldn't define us. Nor should it be shoved aside.

Most, if not all of us, have experienced some sort of trauma in our lives. At the time of our trauma, it became who we were at that time. Then people got tired of us being that way and we were sent off to deal with any lingering issues by ourselves. Over time, that became part of our baggage and we were told not to bring it up if we wanted to keep a lover, for example. So we bury these little bundles of shame further and further back in our psyche in an effort to forget it ever happened, because that's what makes the people around us feel more comfortable. And when we think about that stuff today, we feel bad, like we should be over it already.

But here's the thing, as long as we view these events as something "bad" or to be kept in silence, we allow them to hold power over us...to hold us hostage. When we deny something in our shadow, we deny the lessons, the experience, the influence and the gift it offered to our lives. As long as we hold it at arm's length—whether our excuse is that we should be over it or we don't want to give it power—we allow it to hold us down. We're fighting against it instead of accepting it. Healing and integration happen in cycles and layers just like everything else. So it's normal it would come up for review now and again. It's normal that things we see or do would trigger its memories within us. 

And if we never share our baggage with a lover or a friend, for example, then we're really holding intimacy at bay. We're saying, "love me for what I choose to show you", rather than "love me for who really I am". We never get the kind of understanding and acceptance we're really looking for in life. 

So consider what you may be denying in your life. What fears are you running away from? 

What gifts have you refused to accept? If you're always looking at your life through a lens of your shortcomings, how can you expect to find self love? And if you're always looking at your life through a lens of your triumphs, then you'll always be chased by the demons of your shortcomings. Only when we integrate all that we are, without shame or denial, can we truly shed the things that hold us back and move forward in the confidence of our true selves.

Week of February 6, 2012—Spotting Your Reflection

Still waters reflect the truth of our heavenly and earthly selves.

This morning, after a long absence, I returned to my favorite park spot to greet the sun. What I found both surprised and comforted me...

Everything was exactly as I left it three years ago when I gave up my sunrise trips in favor of sleep and blogging. The lone pine that bravely sticks its head above the canopy of deciduous trees—daring to be an individual, daring to claim the nourishment it needs—was still there. The constant din of traffic was there, still challenging the profound underlying silence of the park. And the same glassy water was right where I left it, reflecting the beauty of the sky above.

I confess I don't know enough about rivers to know why they always seem so still at the liminal times of the day. Maybe it has to do with the moon or tides. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it has to do with passing boats. But it seems like the river's surface is calmer at dawn and dusk than it is in the middle of the day. It could just be this particular location. A few miles away at Great Falls, the river is never calm.

We're kind of like the river in our spiritual journeys, aren't we? Sometimes we're calm and still, reflecting back both the beauty that beams down from above and that which gathers around us in our lives. And sometimes we're jumbled and chaotic, reflecting back a more distorted view of our reality. We move in and out of the pocket of love, flowing with the tides and the forecast. 

Looks like a pigeon, but it's a dove.

The other day, a couple of miles upriver, someone came across two doves that had been decapitated in some sort of ritual. The article said that doves and pigeons are pretty much the same bird. "Dove" and "pigeon" are used interchangeably and not even experts agree whether there's a difference or not. But you know the difference, don't you? Doves are those pretty white birds that mate for life. And pigeons are those nasty gray ones that poop on everything. Right?

Turns out pigeons and doves reflect something back on us, too. 

Looks like a dove, but it's a pigeon.

Everywhere we look in life there's a mirror. Our friends and family reflect back our strengths and insecurities. Our words and actions reflect back our beliefs and attitudes. Even the things we don't do or say...the people we don't hang out with...reflect back on us. We may be able to successfully hide our truth from others, but no matter where we look or what we do, our truth is always looking back at us. That's both good news and bad. The bad news is that, wherever you see something you don't like, you're responsible for it being in your life. The good news is that you also have the power to change it. Even if you can't immediately change your circumstance, you can change the way you view or approach it. 

So this week, see how many mirrors you can spot in your life. What does your home say about you? Your choice of a mate? Your pets? Your job? Your response to the email you just got? The quality of your friendships? The condition of your shoes? If you see something you're not pleased with, why is it still in your life?

Moreover, check the state of your internal waters. Are they calm enough to accurately reflect back some higher aspect within you? Or are they choppy, rough and discombobulated? If they're the former, don't take that connection for granted. And if it's the latter, consider what stills you and move toward that. Ultimately, the difference between living a pigeon life and a dove life is all in the way you see it.

1/3/12-1/5/12—Checking Your Attitude at the Door

Irreverent and Slightly Jaded

Weekend Reading: Irreverent and Slightly Jaded from Illuminate! Life Transformation Cards. Here is a woman, rushing in late to the party and wearing her emotions on her sleeve. She carries herself with self-importance of a guest of honor, but she is just another invited guest. This is the person who pushes past you in the grocery line, is never ready when she says she'll be, sucks energy like a vampire and throws a fit when something doesn't go her way. We all know ugly she can be. We have all been her at one time or another. And this card comes to us this weekend to remind us that other people are just as hurried, stressed and in need as you. So behave yourself. It's not all about you. And if going out in public means you'll be inflicting your bad vibes upon others, consider staying home and doing something nice for yourself instead. We all get pulled to the end of our ropes now and again. But that doesn't mean it's OK to be a diva, behave like a victim, take it out on others or otherwise act with disregard to others. So check your attitude at the door this weekend, missy.

2/2/12—Weighting the Scale in Your Soul

Today's Draw: The Chariot from the Mythic Tarot. How many conscious choices do you make in a day? How many unconscious ones do you suppose you make? What do you think you could gain by becoming more conscious of the choices you make each day?

There are many ways to read The Chariot. One meaning is about balancing forces, such as dark and light. Another way to read The Chariot is about reigning in opposing forces so everything moves forward smoothly. Some read it to mean momentum toward goals or taking control of a situation. But whenever I see this Chariot in particular, I always think about being pulled in two directions. 

In countless little ways every day, we're given the choice between moving toward our higher selves or indulging our more base desires. It's that split second choice you make when the elevator door is closing and you see someone running toward it. Whether or not you let a car merge in front of you in traffic. Whether you smile at a passer-by or divert your eyes from them. 

Every single one of those things weights one side of the invisible scale in your soul or another. It's not always a choice between your dark side and your light side. But I do think there's always an option that will lift you higher, whether it's obvious or not. 

The things we do are not the only choices we make. The things we think or say...what we choose to see...how we respond emotionally...all those things are choices too. Most of us go through the day on automatic and maybe we won't even notice one of hundreds of choices we're making between the time we wake and the time we sleep. We just kind of go along the way we always have, not even recognizing that every choice we make is also an opportunity to feed our divine spirit. The more conscious we are of the choices we make, the more power we're able to have over our spiritual, personal, romantic, sexual, financial, familial and career trajectories.

Another thing I see in this Chariot card is like being at a fork in the road with one horse moving down one path and the other horse taking the other fork. Around the world there are human, environmental and financial shakeups pretty much everywhere you turn. When things start falling apart, it's usually a good sign that it's time to change. Some will stay at the crossroads in the rubble for as long as possible. Some will retreat back into old habits and continue to suffer shakeups. And some will move forward with a lesson learned. 

I can't explain this but to say I feel it within me each time I've written these blogs lately...the time is now. We can't sit on the fence any longer. Either we keep making the same choices or we start making more choices that lift us up and move us forward. It all starts with recognizing that you have a choice in the first place. You made probably at least a hundred—if not a thousand tiny little choices—today. How many of them were conscious? How many of them were purposely made to move you forward? 

Once you start making conscious choices, then make a habit of choosing the higher one. You won't always be 100%. That's OK. But you can decide, for example, that every time you make eye contact with someone, you will smile from now on. And if you have an off day, that's fine. But as long as you're going to move on automatic, why not move forward with the automatic choice that serves your higher self?

OK, that said, I'm going to leave you with the Cherokee story of the two wolves: 

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

2/1/12—Burning Through the Veil

Today's Draw: Awareness from the Osho Zen Tarot. What do you believe are the limitations of our species and our earth? Can you see where you're attached to certain beliefs and ways of being? Are you ready to open your mind to more possibilities?

This card isn't far off what we've been talking about all week. It talks about the burning away of the veil of illusion that keeps you from seeing the yet unseen. In this card, as the veil burns away, it takes with it the anxiety and trauma of man's existence, revealing the face of a young buddha. As man becomes more aware and enlightened, the more pure and and at peace he becomes. 

In the Hindu language, this veil of illusion is called "maya". It comes from a Sanskrit word that means "create". It is interesting to note that this word also signifies a member of the Mayan culture or the language that they speak. Interesting, because their whole culture is shrouded in a veil that we have yet to burn through...a veil that MAY (or may not) be partially lifted by the end of this year.

In Buddhism, awareness is heightened by detachment. As humans, we are attached to feelings, outcomes, memories, hopes and other people. Because of this attachment, we can't see clearly. Everything is painted by our perspective and by the "stake" we have in it. 

The Osho teaching that goes along with this card reads:

Mind can never be intelligent - only no-mind is intelligent. Only no-mind is original and radical. Only no-mind is revolutionary - revolution in action.

This mind gives you a sort of stupor. Burdened by the memories of the past, burdened by the projections of the future, you go on living - at the minimum. You don't live at the maximum. Your flame remains very dim.

Once you start dropping thoughts, the dust that you have collected in the past, the flame arises - clean, clear, alive, young. Your whole life becomes a flame, and a flame without any smoke. That is what awareness is.

If you're someone who gets their best ideas in the car, in the shower, upon waking or right before drifting off, then you understand the intelligence of "no mind". When driving, we often drift into a form of meditation. The repetitive, ritual action of showering can also bring us to that state. I know that I often get ideas the second I step away from the keyboard. But when we're fixated on something from the past or worrying about what we'll say in our meeting, there's really no room for original thought. 

This card embodies the peace of meditation for me. 

So "no mind", which can certainly arise from meditation, and detachment can help us burn through the veil. And while you're having no-mind and detachment, that also means you're not judging the ideas that arise from the void. You shed what you know and open to the entire spectrum of possibility. Otherwise you're still holding up a veil of preconceived notions. 

I don't want to get into a discussion of meditation, primarily because we've discussed it before and I know there are people out there who insist they can't do it. But certainly meditation is a clear path to "no mind". And you need to detach from the idea that you can't do it in order to get there. 

Another way to consider "no mind" is to become the witness, as if you're floating high above yourself and witnessing your surroundings. The meditation I suggested the other day is a good practice for developing the witness as well as for dealing with a restless mind. 

Burning through the veil is important because, as I mentioned the other day, I believe there is stuff going on out there that we don't see. And I'm not just talking about paranormal or psychic stuff either. The electromagnetic spectrum existed from the earth's beginnings, yet we didn't harness its powers—or even realize it existed—until relatively recently. Until it was harnessed, none of the technologies we rely upon today could exist. 

The chances that we've discovered everything there is to discover "out there" are pretty darned slim. And those chances will remain slim as long as we remain attached the notion of "I have to see it to believe it" or "prove it to me". Personally, I believe we have an urgent need to open our minds at this time. We're capable of so much more as individuals, as a species and as a planet. It's not about believing in the impossible. It's about suspending belief and making room for all possibilities. So consider stopping yourself at the point of doubt, "never' and "no" and part the veil just a enough to allow magic to flow in.